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Thread: Recently Separated from my wife :(

  1. #1
    luisjr
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    Default Recently Separated from my wife :(

    I wasn't going to post here because I'm not one for typing much but I just need some encouragement. My wife and I have been together for 6 years this weekend. We only recently got married in March of this year. Our lives have not been full of the Lord although we are both believers. Since we have been together, we have not had many friends and mostly kept to ourselves. We lost our own identities and were in a rut. She told me 2 weeks ago that she wanted a separation because I have not been attending to her needs. We lost respect and trust in each others word and reached a point where we just argued about everything. She was trying to tell me what she needed but I perceived it as complaining about things since I didn't feel the same way about them as she did. I can admit that this is mostly my fault because I was selfish and didn't show her the love she deserved to be shown. I love my wife dearly and desperately want her back. She moved in with her parents last week and said she needed time to find herself. She says she is hopeful that we can work things out and still tells me she loves me but I have broken her heart and I'm scared that I've lost her forever :'( I want to have hope but she already seems to be having fun and I'm worried she'll get caught up in that and I'll just fall to the wayside.

  2. #2
    luisjr
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    A little more info: We have lived together since only months after we met. We have traveled a lot together and talked about marriage a lot. Since we have lived together she has moved back in with parents several times only to call a few weeks later and say she made a mistake. I love her so of course I took her back. She has always blamed our problems on me not putting enough effort into our relationship but she always fails to see the sacrifices I've made too. She is bipolar but not on medications. The last time she left was over 2 years ago, she spent the weekend with an ex boyfriend that was back from the military and slept with him several times. She immediately confessed what she did and cried for forgiveness. It was a tough road but we recovered. I have zero reason to think there is someone else involved at this point, in fact, I'm sure there isn't. She's 24 and has been with me since we met in college. I was hesitant at marriage because I always had a feeling this would happen but we were so great for 2 years that I felt in my heart that I was ready for the commitment, I just can't believe that this is happening again.

  3. #3
    needsomehelp3
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    I am so sorry youre going through this. I feel as though I am in a somewhat similiar situation. My husband says I complain all the time but I feel like i dont feel the love from him. Im no expert but my advice is keep SHOWING her how much she means to you and how much you love her. prove it over and over. once you start she'll start to do the same. pray for her and lift her up. try to see things from her point of view not just yours. hope this helps and things get better!
    phil36 likes this.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Mammachickadee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    :-) Are you also wondering if maybe living together kinda made the marriage a bit more about meeting each others needs rather than living like a Christian? You sound just like my husband did when I broached him with the exact same complaints. At the time we were both very self centered. I wanted more sex and for him to spend more time with me and the baby. He just wanted to bury himself in his gaming and only gave sex to get me off his back. The rest of the circumstances were a little different because of his history of being abusive, but bottom line: it took objectivity in life and prayer for our marriage to get back on track. Out of a genuine heart tell your wife that you too would like to make a marriage of it, but that you recognize you have things that you need to fix and are willing to change. Renew your mind in the Lord and sacrifice your all for what you know He would have you to do and be... a godly man and loving Christian husband. Fix yourself first with the Lord's help and God will bless you by bringing your wife back to you. God would not have her to stray any more than He would have you remain selfish. :-) It sounds like you have a hurting but stubborn (in a good way) wife who, instead of divorcing you out of selfishness chose a less severe method of jolting you out of your corner. Pray out of thanks to God as well for her perseverance.
    phil36 likes this.
    “It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.”
    C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
    http://www.monergism.com/thethreshol...o_gnostic.html

  5. #5
    luisjr
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    Thank you for your replies. In fact, our choice to marry came from a desire to live like Christians instead of living together outside of marriage. We were making good choices and returning to church. We met a great group of genuine, loving people and were happy. Somewhere along the way we got severely off track and laziness and contentment pushed it's way into our life.

    It's hard to remember, during times like this, that God is in control of our situation and has the power to change our hearts and minds. I've made a personal decision to seek God's will. I know he has a plan but I have not been listening nor seeking to learn what he would have me do in life for a very long time. I don't know if my wife will turn to the Lord during this time but I know she is a believer and has trust in God. I know she is not giving up straight away although I also know that she is uncertain if things can be fixed.

    Another aspect is that we are 400 miles apart right now, the distance makes me feel even worse about things I have learned a lot in the past week that I wish I had learned a long time ago. I have been selfish and damaged the heart of the person I love most in this world. I'm ashamed of my actions and I weep when I think of the hurt I have caused her. I just want to cry out to her that I'm sorry and I accept responsibility for what I've done.

    I really don't even know how to proceed from here. We scheduled times to talk but last night she said that she is very hurt and it's difficult to talk to me right now. I understand why, she trusted me with a sacred part of her and I betrayed her I told I respected her need for space and for her to call whenever she felt ready, not to feel pressured to call me on Monday night if she wasn't ready.

  6. #6
    luisjr
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    On an side note, I'm thankful for finding this forum. I have tried to express these things to my friends and family but they all want to take my side and say I shouldn't blame myself and that she should have stuck around no matter what since we're married. It's hard enough to admit what I've done but even harder when my friends and family don't understand at all. My mom just makes faces and says that I was doing a mans job and she should have been happy with that. I, on the other hand, realize that I was not loving her in the way that SHE needed love.
    phil36 likes this.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Mammachickadee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    If you have been honest with them and yourself you will find it easy to understand her reticence. Make changes in yourself first, and rely on the Lord to lead in your relationship from here on out. He will give you that pure love back. :-)
    “It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.”
    C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
    http://www.monergism.com/thethreshol...o_gnostic.html

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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    Luisjr, nice to meet you. I have yet to meet a woman that isn't bipolar. No offense ladies, your emotional recklessness is part of your charm. It is becoming abundantly evident that a woman's need to feel loved and appreciated can not be overstated. I've found its in the small stuff. Even just by taking an interest in their day, listening attentively. I've found its not the expensive jewelery that gets the tears its the little thing they mentioned once and you remembered. I don't know what you did but the history of leaving unsettled me. Now if it were me and I wanted my wife to know that she meant everything to me I would take some time off of work and find a place to stay near where she is and take her on a date. I'd tell her we are ONE and I'm not going back until she came with me. And I'd mean it. If you have to court her again to build her trust then do it. If she did come home don't fall into old habits. Persue her. Have we men learned nothing from all the chick flicks we've suffered through? The man chasing the woman is textbook. That's why they flee. May God guide your words and deeds.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Mammachickadee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    lol so is bipolar in men their being in touch with their ''feminine side''? jk
    We were made to desire security, and most of us require more demonstration than men do of love. We are made differently.
    “It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.”
    C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
    http://www.monergism.com/thethreshol...o_gnostic.html

  10. #10
    luisjr
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    What do you think about an apology letter? Is it too soon? She only left a week ago but things were very amicable when she left. Very open communication, we even held hands and kissed up until the morning I left for work and her parents came to get her, we slept in the same bed the last night together too (she invited me). We spoke with our pastor before she left and things were on the most positive note they could be. She still answers the phone calling me honey and babe and tells me she loves me. The anger subsided only days after she made her decision because I figured an understanding attitude would be the best way to let her go. She doesn't display anger towards me but rather deep deep hurt. I am ready to own my mistakes and do what I need to to show her I can correct them. I just don't if she'll believe that a week is enough time for me to truly see what I've done. Should I wait until I can show her that I'm changed? How can I show her I'm changing if she is so far away?

  11. #11
    Senior Member Mammachickadee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    meh... give her at least 5 days. She's probably working through stages of relationship grieving that one is wont to go through when they are away from the situation. A letter is an excellent thought. Try a letter every week for the next 50 years of your lives.
    “It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.”
    C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
    http://www.monergism.com/thethreshol...o_gnostic.html

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    Default Re: Recently Separated from my wife :(

    Writing letters is a great way to communicate...you can get it all out without interruption, plus rewrite where needed. No, it's not too soon. Tell her what you told us . My husband and I met in college and then he moved 800 miles away...he had already taken a job when we met. He wrote me a letter every 3 days for months. I still have those letters. He poured his heart out to me....those letters convinced me that he was the ONE .

    Really loving someone means not holding them in a tight grip. Sometimes space and time will help someone think more clearly. Really loving someone means letting them go, if that is what they want. But I don't think this is what she wants permanently....I think you will work things out .

    The main thing that will keep your marriage healthy is putting Christ in the middle of it. As you both grow together in the knowledge of our Lord, the more He will help you both to love each other and to have a good life together. Put Him first and everything else will fall into place . He teaches us what sacrificial love is all about.

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