Troubles communicating in marriage

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Barb4640

Guest
#1
#1
I need help with communicating with my husband and he doesn't feel a need for counseling. It has become a blame game instead of truly trying to understand each other which has caused me to shut down. Because I don't want anymore blame, hurt and pain I usually just stuff it in and in a few weeks the pain is tolerable. If I try to state my feelings it usually rebounds back to being my fault, and the sad part is he pushes so hard I start to believe the lie myself. Now I either remain silent or join in the blame game. It has caused anger, frustration, and jealousy and is also affecting our children. Please help...
 
KBond

KBond

Senior Member
#2
Jun 5, 2013
662
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#2
Barb, I pray Christ would intervene to give your husband and you and healthy marriage that glorifies His great Name.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#3
#3
Your best tool for solving this problem will be prayer. If you can't communicate with your husband, then communicate with God- I know, it's a cliche answer, "just pray", but people underestimate the power of prayer. I turned to the Lord when I had this problem in my own marriage, and it did so much more than I had expected it to- and not just because God did, in His timing, help me out. Sitting down and praying for your husband and for your marriage makes both more precious to you, for starters. Also, it's hard to remain angry at a person you are lifting up to God.

Other things I did in my own situation, when it felt like my husband was blaming me for everything:

-I had to stop taking my husband's anger/frustration/blame games so personally. The more I reacted to and apologized for things that we both, deep down, knew were NOT my fault, the easier it made it for him to use me as a scapegoat. If you act like a doormat, you're going to be used like one. It's a hard lesson to learn. It required a lot of prayer for me to get to a place where I could let accusations and anger just bounce off me without reacting.

-I had to learn to recognize what things in the marriage WERE actually my fault, and I had to fix them if possible. If we were struggling with, say, money- and I'd been irresponsible with paying bills or other spending- I had to humbly admit to my husband that I needed his help, I needed him to show me how to fix it, and then I had to do as he asked.

-I had to really, really listen. It's easy to not hear what a person is actually saying if they're yelling or deflecting. But if you can figure out what's ACTUALLY bothering him, then you have a starting point.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard and it hurts so bad. Maybe you've been praying about this already- good. If not, start. I don't know if I've said a single helpful thing, but I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers.
 
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lockedrob

Guest
#4
#4
That's great advice from misscris that's what I had to do when my marriage was in the same place as yours is now. It takes courage to start on the difficult road but The Lord will be with you if you ask him. Will be praying for you
 
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Jordache

Guest
#5
#5
Read "Boundaries in Marriage" Cloud and Townsend
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#6
Apr 18, 2013
9,339
2,427
113
#6
Is your husband a saved Christian?

If no...
then he's just acting like a lost person, and he needs to accept Christ and be saved.

If yes...
then he needs counseling, even if it's something as basic as just attending church, or listening to a preacher on TV.
If he's a saved man, then any time in the Word will begin to soften his heart, and slowly bring him around.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#7
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#7
Barb4640 said:
If I try to state my feelings it usually rebounds back to being my fault, and the sad part is he pushes so hard I start to believe the lie myself. Now I either remain silent or join in the blame game. It has caused anger, frustration, and jealousy and is also affecting our children. Please help...
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You are in a toxic relationship with a person who is breaking his covenant to love, honor, and cherish you. Seek counseling for yourself, and tell him to come as well if he cares about staying married to you. I don't know a lot about your situation, but it sounds like it could be an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. Divorce might not be the answer, but there is nothing wrong with a separation if you need time to focus on the Lord and heal.

Don't be afraid to respectfully, factually, and boldly confront your husband with how he is mistreating you. And of course, admit any fault you may have in the matter. The two of you need to figure out a plan going forward because the present path isn't working. Your kids need to see that this behavior is wrong. You wouldn't want your daughter to be treated like that, and you wouldn't want your son to behave like that. Abuse or other bad behavior cycles continue until someone stands up against them.
 
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Mammachickadee

Guest
#8
#8
You have to focus on your relationship with the Lord and shut everything else out. It's hard, and the loving heart of a wife find it difficult to do what might seem like living a lie... but when a husband is in the wrong and refuses help you have to go back to square one: that you are the bride of Christ. Your heart will hurt and at times you will think, ''This is so not fair. How does he get to be so bigheaded and thoughtless''... but in the end the faith of the wife can win the husband. Every time you are tempted to fight back stop and recognize that he's probably not listening with the heart to learn. Just cling to the Lord, pray, and gracefully bow out as soon as possible. Flee the temptation to blow him out of the water with what you might think is the perfect comeback. Don't give in to the willful flesh. A soft answer turns away wrath, and Jesus is a fountain full of them.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#9
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#9
There's a book called "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus"; interesting book! ....many times these differences come out in how we communicate to each other :(. He may see your comments as criticisms when you're just wanting to resolve some issues. My husband and I have had the same problem!

It helps to remember that our perspectives are usually different; sometimes it really is like we're from different planets :). God wired men and women different for a reason but it does make life difficult at times.

Here's some things that helped me: I listened to how I was phrasing things. When I was about to say something negative I would begin it with "I may be misunderstanding this so please tell me if I'm seeing it wrong....". I also made it a point to say positive things like " I really appreciate your going to work everyday and taking care of your family...you're a wonderful provider".

When we make it a point to express gratitude, it makes our negative issues easier to deal with.

There's also something called 'fighting fair'... meaning our disagreements need to be 'fair'. For example, don't start a sentence with "you always....". And don't drag old issues into every discussion. Deal with one issue at a time. And be ready to say 'sorry', or 'I misunderstood you'...etc.

Focus on the Family has resources for communicating in marriage. If your husband doesn't want to go to counseling (mine definitely would not, ever, consent to counseling), there are other ways to grow closer and improve communication.

Don't give up! And of course, go to the Lord for wisdom and guidance :).
 
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AngelDelight

Guest
#10
#10
Barb4640 said:
I need help with communicating with my husband and he doesn't feel a need for counseling. It has become a blame game instead of truly trying to understand each other which has caused me to shut down. Because I don't want anymore blame, hurt and pain I usually just stuff it in and in a few weeks the pain is tolerable. If I try to state my feelings it usually rebounds back to being my fault, and the sad part is he pushes so hard I start to believe the lie myself. Now I either remain silent or join in the blame game. It has caused anger, frustration, and jealousy and is also affecting our children. Please help...
Click to expand...
This post was a few moths ago, so I am just wondering how things are in your marriage now? Some good advice was provided, I especially like the post from MissCris. I am in the same situation you have described, so I am curious to know if you took the advice and if it helped your situation.
 
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presidente

Senior Member
#11
May 29, 2013
9,084
1,749
113
#11
MissCris said:
Your best tool for solving this problem will be prayer. If you can't communicate with your husband, then communicate with God- I know, it's a cliche answer, "just pray", but people underestimate the power of prayer. I turned to the Lord when I had this problem in my own marriage, and it did so much more than I had expected it to- and not just because God did, in His timing, help me out. Sitting down and praying for your husband and for your marriage makes both more precious to you, for starters. Also, it's hard to remain angry at a person you are lifting up to God.
Click to expand...
I can attest to the power of God to answer prayer about marriage. My wife was pregnant once, and even discussions that were neutral could hurt her feelings or make her upset. There were some things about the way she was thinking about me and acting toward me that weren't right, but conversations about it ended up nowhere, and she had hurt feelings. It seemed like every day there was an argument, and I didn't know what to do to prevent it besides avoid her. One night, I was home alone as she went to talk with a friend, and I prayed this long list of things I asked the Lord to speak to her about. A couple of nights later, she came back telling me all these things the Lord had spoken to her that had to do with me, and repeated off what God had told her my prayer request list, all but maybe two things. A few weeks later, she told me how God had spoken to her about those things. Some of these things were rather detailed.

There was a radical change in our marriage after that.

I really prayed in faith that time, and I kind of argued my case from scripture why my prayer was according God's will. I told Him if I pray anything according to His will, I can have it, so I believed I have it. And I got it. He sure is faithful.
 
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inloveandhopless

Guest
#12
#12
I am sorry you feel this way. I know the feeling well and struggle with this same problem daily with my husband. I have posted often concerning the same thing. I have found that only turning to god has helped me to deal with the hurt and loneliness this causes. I pray for my husband daily and our relationship. While it has changed I have faith it will when its gods will. It helps to talk to people and pray with others. I've made a friend or two on here that help me greatly. I also repeat to myself a response from one of my prayer requests that helps when we are arguing and I'm not feeling heard. Maybe it will help you:

When he rolls in like a tornado you stand still like a boulder
When he yells you speak calmly
When he says things in anger you remind yourself that gods love is the only love that matters
Your joy should not be dependant on his mood.

I also do stay quiet and take the blame a lot. I guess I pick my battles and I have come to realise not fighting about sprang mean I am at fault instead I am trying to just turn it to the lord and let him handle it. I will pray for you and your husband. and know if you need to talk you can message me anytime I know what your going through and can listen and understand and would love to help
 
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