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I was crazy in love with my husband for so many reasons. One of the biggest was because, growing up as an adopted Korean in a small town, people had made fun of me all my life. My husband was half-Asian and told me, "Baby, we don't let people tell us where we fit in, we make our own place." I clung to him because for the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged. (The puzzle piece that never fit had finally found the puzzle it belonged to... so I felt.)
But we had many differences. He was from an extremely abusive home that left its scars both physically and emotionally. The first time I saw him without a shirt, the tears just rolled even though I tried to stay in control, because he had long marks down his back. He always tried to hide the marks from me after that, because he felt he would somehow be protecting me from pain.
He had, understandably, reservations about God (part of why his mother severely abused her children is because she said they were all sinners that needed to be punished)--I thought that being around my family (which is the exact opposite of his) would help heal him. He would always go to the Lutheran church with me, but as I grew in different areas of my faith and started attending a Pentecostal church (completely different format), we grew further and further apart.
He also came into the marriage with a $10,000+ credit card debt he never told me about (I only found out because I found some paperwork in his car.) And even when we got the debt down, he simply opened more cards without telling me and spent all the more. I was angry, bitter, and never shy about holding that back--we lived in separate rooms of the house for probably at least 1/3 of our two-year marriage. I had my own issues as well, including severe depression and extreme emotions I couldn't seem to contain. I would to the other side of the house and try to talk to him about something and he would snap, "It's time for you to go back to YOUR room now," then slam and lock the door.
People told me I must be doing something wrong to cause it and to just talk to him about it and tell him I was sorry. But you can't make someone talk to you, which no one understood.
Eventually, he fell in love with a girl we worked with and left. I went to work one day like normal... and came home to a half-empty house. He'd moved out without telling me. I received divorce papers not long after that. It's been ten years, and to this day, he's never said a word again to me. I've heard he remarried, is living in his dream location, has his dream job (his own school), and that they just had a baby (he wouldn't even talk about having babies when he was with me). I realize it's been a long time, and he's moved on. But it still stings.
People tell me me I had it so easy because we didn't have kids. I surely sympathize with every single parent out there. But no one understood that I felt my life was over, and unlike the single parents I knew, in my mind, I had no reason to keep going because everyone I knew was independent with their own lives--I didn't feel like I was part of anything anymore or that I was needed.
Thankfully... God is still helping me through the process and has been graciously patient with me this entire time... and the best part is, I'm closer to my family than ever... and have made some awesome friends along the way.
But we had many differences. He was from an extremely abusive home that left its scars both physically and emotionally. The first time I saw him without a shirt, the tears just rolled even though I tried to stay in control, because he had long marks down his back. He always tried to hide the marks from me after that, because he felt he would somehow be protecting me from pain.
He had, understandably, reservations about God (part of why his mother severely abused her children is because she said they were all sinners that needed to be punished)--I thought that being around my family (which is the exact opposite of his) would help heal him. He would always go to the Lutheran church with me, but as I grew in different areas of my faith and started attending a Pentecostal church (completely different format), we grew further and further apart.
He also came into the marriage with a $10,000+ credit card debt he never told me about (I only found out because I found some paperwork in his car.) And even when we got the debt down, he simply opened more cards without telling me and spent all the more. I was angry, bitter, and never shy about holding that back--we lived in separate rooms of the house for probably at least 1/3 of our two-year marriage. I had my own issues as well, including severe depression and extreme emotions I couldn't seem to contain. I would to the other side of the house and try to talk to him about something and he would snap, "It's time for you to go back to YOUR room now," then slam and lock the door.
People told me I must be doing something wrong to cause it and to just talk to him about it and tell him I was sorry. But you can't make someone talk to you, which no one understood.
Eventually, he fell in love with a girl we worked with and left. I went to work one day like normal... and came home to a half-empty house. He'd moved out without telling me. I received divorce papers not long after that. It's been ten years, and to this day, he's never said a word again to me. I've heard he remarried, is living in his dream location, has his dream job (his own school), and that they just had a baby (he wouldn't even talk about having babies when he was with me). I realize it's been a long time, and he's moved on. But it still stings.
People tell me me I had it so easy because we didn't have kids. I surely sympathize with every single parent out there. But no one understood that I felt my life was over, and unlike the single parents I knew, in my mind, I had no reason to keep going because everyone I knew was independent with their own lives--I didn't feel like I was part of anything anymore or that I was needed.
Thankfully... God is still helping me through the process and has been graciously patient with me this entire time... and the best part is, I'm closer to my family than ever... and have made some awesome friends along the way.
G
As much as everyone tries to justify their divorce, this is what The Word says and no matter what our opinions are there is no way around it as Jesus spelled it out clearly..period!
Mat 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
Mat 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
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F
a. Yes, I am divorced
b. I am divorced because my husband left me and my children after I found out about numerous affairs, I would no longer put up with his abuse. He filed the divorce. We were both Christians, involved in the ministry in fact.
c. I have not remarried, although my ex has and is on his way to a 2nd divorce, and then I will predict that a 3rd marriage or live in girlfriend will happen after that.
b. I am divorced because my husband left me and my children after I found out about numerous affairs, I would no longer put up with his abuse. He filed the divorce. We were both Christians, involved in the ministry in fact.
c. I have not remarried, although my ex has and is on his way to a 2nd divorce, and then I will predict that a 3rd marriage or live in girlfriend will happen after that.
F
I have to admit...this hurts slightly. What about those of us who have NO choice?? I believe divorce is wrong, there is no doubt about it. But what about us who couldn't do anything about it...whose spouses left us, filed the divorce and signed the papers......and even when we refused the divorce, had it court-ordered and were forced to signed. I truely believe that God does grant some compassion in certain situations.
At my church this past Sunday, they showed a video of several people who told their story about trying to come to God (and join their local church, or were already part of their local church) and why they were rejected, ostracized, condemned, etc.
In two of the stories, the people were divorced, and all the Christians told them everything they must have done wrong, the horrible sins they must have committed, etc., while giving them literature and so forth about how evil divorce was, as well as the people who are part of it, whether by choice or abandoned.
At the end of the video, my pastor said, "Maybe it's time we stop telling people what they should or shouldn't do, or what they could or couldn't have done, and just show them who we really are and how we do it."
It's always been interesting to me... that Jesus didn't tell the Samaritan woman (and Jews hated Samaritans) all the things she'd done wrong or quote 20 Scriptures about the evils of her ways and excuses she'd made for them (and she was divorced 5 times, as well as having a current live-in boyfriend, apparently)--He just simply gave her an invitation to get to know Him and what He was about.
I always wonder how successful the people who tell others what they do wrong are at inviting other people to come to know God. I invite people around me to church on a regular basis, and I always hear the same thing: "Christians are hypocrites. I believe in God but not the church--Christians talk about love and forgiveness and compassion, but they never show it."
Sometimes, even as a Christian, I have to agree. If I hadn't been brought into a Christian family from the beginning, I'd probably want nothing to do with the faith myself after watching some people completely tear others apart "in the name of the Lord."
From what I can tell, the people who are posting here are well aware of their own mistakes and those that were made against them. My sympathies to everyone and we can know that God forgives us all.
Sorry this is off-topic, but I felt the need to say something.
G
I sympathize with you..really, but I don't understand why you would feel hurt as the reasons you gave for your divorce are according to scripture, so according to scripture you were totally in line with what Christ said.
As for those others that were out of their control, I don't see any reason why they should be held accountable.
As for those others that were out of their control, I don't see any reason why they should be held accountable.
G
Look, I certainly do not and never have professed to be without sin and you are right to a degree, but we have to understand that there is no compromise with the word of God and I am sure you will agree, the people you speak of in the video I am not sure if they were saved or not but if a person is an unbeliever and has been divorced or whatever, then of course they are forgiven if they acknowledge their sins and accept Christ, to my mind if a saved person divorces they are not held accountable if they are ignorant of what the scripture teachers about it, come to the knowledge thereof and ask forgiveness but if a Christian who is fully aware what Christ teaches about divorce then goes ahead anyway against what is written will that person not be held accountable?? To many people seek the council of men instead of seeking what the Holy Word of God instructs.
My mother (bless her soul) of 7 kids endured a long marriage of alcoholism, abuse and violence that we the children had to witness on countless times to the end, TILL DEATH DO US PART, I do not know if it was purely because of what scripture says or not but she stuck it out and all of us have gone on to live without being violent to our spouses. She has her reward in Heaven that I am sure of.
Again I stand by the fact that scripture is truth and is not to be compromised. Jesus made the rules, not me, not someone else. and not the pastors! If anyone has a problem or does not like it...take it up with the Lord.
My mother (bless her soul) of 7 kids endured a long marriage of alcoholism, abuse and violence that we the children had to witness on countless times to the end, TILL DEATH DO US PART, I do not know if it was purely because of what scripture says or not but she stuck it out and all of us have gone on to live without being violent to our spouses. She has her reward in Heaven that I am sure of.
Again I stand by the fact that scripture is truth and is not to be compromised. Jesus made the rules, not me, not someone else. and not the pastors! If anyone has a problem or does not like it...take it up with the Lord.
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F
I guess I took it as you saying EVERYONE is in sin who has divorced. Sorry, I am used to getting judged for being a divorcee and sometimes I feel like I need to make a stand 
I loved my husband, and felt I was a good and faithful wife, besides my flaws, of course there were things that I could have done different in my marriage (like stop depending so much on my ex rather than God, for example), even though I have learned to forgive and give it all to God, you never forget. Divorce is a horrible thing and I'll never understand why anyone would unbibilically want to go through one....even enduring physcial and emotional abuse and the knowledge of his unfaithfulness, I didn't want a divorce. But it happened, and now I believe that God allows some things to happen for a reason to protect His children...and if mine would have never happened, I also know that my children and I would not be in the very blessed part of our life the we are in.
I loved my husband, and felt I was a good and faithful wife, besides my flaws, of course there were things that I could have done different in my marriage (like stop depending so much on my ex rather than God, for example), even though I have learned to forgive and give it all to God, you never forget. Divorce is a horrible thing and I'll never understand why anyone would unbibilically want to go through one....even enduring physcial and emotional abuse and the knowledge of his unfaithfulness, I didn't want a divorce. But it happened, and now I believe that God allows some things to happen for a reason to protect His children...and if mine would have never happened, I also know that my children and I would not be in the very blessed part of our life the we are in.
I guess I took it as you saying EVERYONE is in sin who has divorced. Sorry, I am used to getting judged for being a divorcee and sometimes I feel like I need to make a stand I loved my husband, and felt I was a good and faithful wife, besides my flaws, of course there were things that I could have done different in my marriage (like stop depending so much on my ex rather than God, for example), even though I have learned to forgive and give it all to God, you never forget. Divorce is a horrible thing and I'll never understand why anyone would unbibilically want to go through one....even enduring physcial and emotional abuse and the knowledge of his unfaithfulness, I didn't want a divorce. But it happened, and now I believe that God allows some things to happen for a reason to protect His children...and if mine would have never happened, I also know that my children and I would not be in the very blessed part of our life the we are in.
I loved my husband, and felt I was a good and faithful wife, besides my flaws, of course there were things that I could have done different in my marriage (like stop depending so much on my ex rather than God, for example), even though I have learned to forgive and give it all to God, you never forget. Divorce is a horrible thing and I'll never understand why anyone would unbibilically want to go through one....even enduring physcial and emotional abuse and the knowledge of his unfaithfulness, I didn't want a divorce. But it happened, and now I believe that God allows some things to happen for a reason to protect His children...and if mine would have never happened, I also know that my children and I would not be in the very blessed part of our life the we are in.
I completely understand about being judged as a divorcee.
Two of the most interesting stories in the Bible to me are when David and his men, who were starving, went into the church and ate the sacred bread off the altar--definitely against God's laws.
Second, Jesus healed people (repeatedly) on the Sabbath--wouldn't this be seen as breaking God's laws as well (because it was working on the Sabbath, as the Pharisees criticized)?
But yet Jesus told them they they would do the exact same thing if they lost an animal, so how much more valuable was a person who needed healing to God? And Jesus was without sin, so his healing someone on the Sabbath must not have been seen as a sin to God.
I have been taught (and I realize this could be seen as wrong to others) that there is the Letter of the Law and the Spirit of the Law--Paul wrote that the letter of the law kills, but the Spirit brings life.
Of course, God is very concerned about His Laws, and we are to try our best to keep them, but I was told, the laws were made to benefit people--people were not made to benefit the law. I could be wrong, but I personally see God as caring more about a person (and their children's) health and safety than a strict, "DON'T LEAVE BECAUSE IT'S THE LAW."
I could be wrong about this. We all have our own experiences. Yes, God's laws are important and it's because we can't keep them all that Jesus died in our place.
But I do believe God understands that we make mistakes, and accepts us as we are. Sometimes I wonder if what's most important to God is not just the Law, but how we react to other people as we all try our best to follow what God says and has for us.
G
seoulsearch...be careful what people teach you, and what you may think in your own understanding, Jesus did not say things for the sake of letting His voice be heard.
as for the law..take a careful look at what Jesus Himself said:
Mat 5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
Mat 5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
Mat 5:19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
as for the law..take a careful look at what Jesus Himself said:
Mat 5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
Mat 5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
Mat 5:19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
He was unfaithful. But I forgave him and stayed. I don't think that's what he wanted. Eventually, our lease was running out and he tricked me into a situation where I had to find somewhere else to go, separately from him. So I've always seen this as him leaving me.
I asked for a discussion with him and to the best of his ability to give me a straight answer, he confirmed that it was truely over and there was no changing his mind. A year and a half later I decided he'd had enough limbo time and asked him whether he'd conidered a divorce. We agreed mutually to do so, but neither of us could afford it financially. Then I found out that I could have the court fees waived if we didn't file jointly, so technically I divorced him.
I intend to stay single, not because I believe I'm obligated to do so, but because I want my life focus to be about God in a new way, and not about looking for a man to complete me.
I didn't know how to answer any of those questions, none of them seemed to fit my situation.
I asked for a discussion with him and to the best of his ability to give me a straight answer, he confirmed that it was truely over and there was no changing his mind. A year and a half later I decided he'd had enough limbo time and asked him whether he'd conidered a divorce. We agreed mutually to do so, but neither of us could afford it financially. Then I found out that I could have the court fees waived if we didn't file jointly, so technically I divorced him.
I intend to stay single, not because I believe I'm obligated to do so, but because I want my life focus to be about God in a new way, and not about looking for a man to complete me.
I didn't know how to answer any of those questions, none of them seemed to fit my situation.
C
Ok........my story
(will try to make it brief..and stick to the facts....this is just my story, and I do not judge anyone else.)
I am divorced, unfortunatly.
Shortly after we got married he changed a LOT. I know it sounds crazy but he was not the same person I married.
I was very devoted to my marriage though, and had the full beliief that scripture called me to do ALL things as unto the Lord...including serve my husband and our marriage vows even though he was not doing the same in return.
I had always *suspected* he was unfaithful....but did not have proof untill 2007 (we had married in 2001) He informed me in the fall of 2006 that he was filing for divorce.
You have to have a *reason* (under the law) to get a divorce..and the reasons he was filing was cruel and inhumane treatment and irreconsilable differances.
The judge threw out the cruel and inhumane treatment (as he saw it just as a ploy to make me look bad and did not believe the allegation).
And...with the irreconcilable differances, I denied it. Basically meaning I was contesting the divorce.
I had NOOOO support on this @ all. and to be honest was quite shocked. Mike was very controlling and manipulative and had many other issues I believe because he was not running after God with his whole heart and submitting the marriage to Him. I was prayerfully staying in my marriage because of a number of reasons. (hopefully you have all followed me so far and will understand what I mean)
1) When you get married, you get married for better or for worse.....I had to ask myself...is this as *worse* as it can get..????? The answer was no.
2) I also had to ask myself.....have I done absoLUTEly everything I could in this marriage to make it work..?? Again, the answer was no.
3) I had children....I wanted them to know that I was totally 100% running after God with everything I was....including submitting what seemed like a hopeless situation to Him to work in for us. (that is faith)
4) At some point in my life I will die...and stand before the Lord and have to account for how I lived this life. I am not responsible for the choices that others make, but I sure am responsbile for how I react to them. The laws here will grant the divorce eventually...even if it is contested...BUT I did not want to stand before God and ho-hum around trying to *explain* away how I put Him (God) in a box back in 2008 just to get the divorce over with sooner. I wanted to be able to hold my head high....and say that I truly did everything I could.
I do not serve a God that is smaller than any of my problems....He can reconsile anything. Unfortunatly Mike did not choose to submit it to God as I had...and had his heart closed off to any work God may have been trying to do in him.
The divorce was granted in 2008. It took nearly 2 years to go through because I contested it. The judge accepted my reasons for denying irreconcilable differances...and the only reason the divorce could be granted was for living seperate and apart for 12 months or greater. So in a round about way...I sort of won....even the divorce went through.
Now, I am sure some of you are thinking......how could you love a man who was unfaithful, and was controling and manipulative and hateful like that. To be honest...i really did'nt. A huge divide was there....but I remained faithful to him in all ways...and was still his wife....not based off anything conditionally.....but based off doing everything as unto the Lord. I believe the love I had for him when we married could/would have been restored 10-fold had the marriage been renewed in Christ. (that too is faith)
Ok....onto the biblical issues of divorce and remarriage.
I believe that God would bless me to remarry again. He was unfaithful. BUT...I believe the person I were to marry either has to not have been married before, widowed, or if divorced, they are divorced because their former spouse was unfaithful.
I was not very fulfilled in my marriage. To be honest, he was a lousy husband...and it was a very lonely time. But, I have zero regrets. I stood true to myself, and true to the Lord and true the the example that I wanted for my children.
I am stronger because of this. and I know that God will honor what we have gone through in His ways and in His timing.
Heartpumkinpie....I hope in a round about way I have answered your questions that you were asking.
Take care
(will try to make it brief..and stick to the facts....this is just my story, and I do not judge anyone else.)
I am divorced, unfortunatly.
Shortly after we got married he changed a LOT. I know it sounds crazy but he was not the same person I married.
I was very devoted to my marriage though, and had the full beliief that scripture called me to do ALL things as unto the Lord...including serve my husband and our marriage vows even though he was not doing the same in return.
I had always *suspected* he was unfaithful....but did not have proof untill 2007 (we had married in 2001) He informed me in the fall of 2006 that he was filing for divorce.
You have to have a *reason* (under the law) to get a divorce..and the reasons he was filing was cruel and inhumane treatment and irreconsilable differances.
The judge threw out the cruel and inhumane treatment (as he saw it just as a ploy to make me look bad and did not believe the allegation).
And...with the irreconcilable differances, I denied it. Basically meaning I was contesting the divorce.
I had NOOOO support on this @ all. and to be honest was quite shocked. Mike was very controlling and manipulative and had many other issues I believe because he was not running after God with his whole heart and submitting the marriage to Him. I was prayerfully staying in my marriage because of a number of reasons. (hopefully you have all followed me so far and will understand what I mean)
1) When you get married, you get married for better or for worse.....I had to ask myself...is this as *worse* as it can get..????? The answer was no.
2) I also had to ask myself.....have I done absoLUTEly everything I could in this marriage to make it work..?? Again, the answer was no.
3) I had children....I wanted them to know that I was totally 100% running after God with everything I was....including submitting what seemed like a hopeless situation to Him to work in for us. (that is faith)
4) At some point in my life I will die...and stand before the Lord and have to account for how I lived this life. I am not responsible for the choices that others make, but I sure am responsbile for how I react to them. The laws here will grant the divorce eventually...even if it is contested...BUT I did not want to stand before God and ho-hum around trying to *explain* away how I put Him (God) in a box back in 2008 just to get the divorce over with sooner. I wanted to be able to hold my head high....and say that I truly did everything I could.
I do not serve a God that is smaller than any of my problems....He can reconsile anything. Unfortunatly Mike did not choose to submit it to God as I had...and had his heart closed off to any work God may have been trying to do in him.
The divorce was granted in 2008. It took nearly 2 years to go through because I contested it. The judge accepted my reasons for denying irreconcilable differances...and the only reason the divorce could be granted was for living seperate and apart for 12 months or greater. So in a round about way...I sort of won....even the divorce went through.
Now, I am sure some of you are thinking......how could you love a man who was unfaithful, and was controling and manipulative and hateful like that. To be honest...i really did'nt. A huge divide was there....but I remained faithful to him in all ways...and was still his wife....not based off anything conditionally.....but based off doing everything as unto the Lord. I believe the love I had for him when we married could/would have been restored 10-fold had the marriage been renewed in Christ. (that too is faith)
Ok....onto the biblical issues of divorce and remarriage.
I believe that God would bless me to remarry again. He was unfaithful. BUT...I believe the person I were to marry either has to not have been married before, widowed, or if divorced, they are divorced because their former spouse was unfaithful.
I was not very fulfilled in my marriage. To be honest, he was a lousy husband...and it was a very lonely time. But, I have zero regrets. I stood true to myself, and true to the Lord and true the the example that I wanted for my children.
I am stronger because of this. and I know that God will honor what we have gone through in His ways and in His timing.
Heartpumkinpie....I hope in a round about way I have answered your questions that you were asking.
Take care