Newlywed Contemplating Divorce

[A-ray]

I have been married just under a year. We are both young, 24 years old. We dated about 8 months and were engaged for another 8.

Here's the thing, mentally it's quite perplexing to me emotionally. I love me wife. I have examined myself many times to truly believe I married her with the best intentions. The reason I say this is we attend a very traditional (conservative) church i.e. I was a virgin when I married. So i have often thought if I rushed into things because I was well, horny, and as the bible says better to marry than to burn...

I do not believe I married for this reason but i'm not going to say it wasn't in mind, I'm human. There's a lot that's occurred/ occurring so I'll try to hit the major points on why I am contemplating leaving at this point.

My wife's been out of work most of the year, it's been taxing financially and it wouldn't be as big of an issue except she is bad with money and buys fast food a lot when financially the only thing we should be eating right now is ramen noodles as an example

Sex. We have had sex three times in the last 8 months roughly. Altogether there is no passion and there is no intimacy

Trust. There's very little to none of this. As a Christian I was brought up to believe the man is the priest of the household. That's not to say that I believe women are lesser to men but that a certain respect should be given and trust should be given to him - there is none of that.

We argue all the time and it never leads to anything positive - I contacted my church a few months ago to let them know there were issues, that I wanted counsel but my wife wouldn't go. To her credit it was simply she didn't feel comfortable talking out marital issues to people we knew. I have since started seeing an individual therapist and we may still go for secular marriage therapy

Honestly - I'm loosing hope, I have very little faith that any form of happiness will be restored to this marriage and I really just want out but I feel so horrible for feeling that way. It's a catch 22 - I'm unhappy in this state but I feel like any action I could take would lead to some other form of unhappiness, regret or the like.

I have not and will not cheat on my wife but physically and more importantly emotionally I'm starved - I have these day dreams where I'm literally going on dates with other women and we're smiling and talking and getting to know each and I'm happy at the thought of getting to know and connecting with someone else because I have no connection with my own wife.

I love her but I no longer want to be with her, is that possible or am I lying to myself somehow?

That's the gist of it.

Thoughts, feelings, advice, experience both biblical and even secular would be great.

 

[dmh2500x]

bummer!
I wish I could help

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Whens the last time you took your wife out on a date?

Your contemplating divorce after only 8 months because things are hard. That's life. Get used to it. Did you expect marraige to be one big picnic?
Your the man of the house, so be the man. Pray, ask God for guidence, Read books on marriage, talk to other men who have been married for awhile, get advice and wisdom from them. Continue seeing your therapist. Do whatever you need to do to keep your marriage going.
Let your wife know your in this for the long haul and that your not going to bail when things get hard. I'm sure she can feel your commitment lagging.

Your right, you are young and you may or may not have married for the right reasons, but there is not a reason that you named that cannot be worked through. Most importantly pray for your wife and pray together if she is comfortable with that.

 

[dmh2500x]

bummer!
I wish I could help

 

[Ugly]

Sounds to me you need to sit down and ask your wife whats more important, her reasons for not going to get counseling at your church, or the potential end of your marriage? Doe she want her first marriage to end after a year for reasons that fall on her pride? Sounds to me like you're only telling her half of whats going on inside, and not letting her know how major the issue really is.

 

[A-ray]

It's been a while since we've done on a date although we did go away for a weekend two weeks ago.

You're right in that she probably feels my commitment lagging. I haven't always been coy in sharing my feelings with her although I am remiss at times.

In regards to "manning up" I'm not sure how. It's an easier said then done scenario, when my wife gets upset, she gets loud and in your face, my idea of manning up in that moment is to do my best in controlling my emotion so that it doesn't escalate into something physical. I feel like because of this i've created my own monster because honestly i'm afraid of her, not that she would cause me any real harm but that she is so disrespectful in the most instigative fashion.

So I guess the follow up question would be do you have any advice on "manning up" rather how do I take control of a woman who clearly doesn't want to give up the control.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

If she is in your face and disrespecting you....walk away.

If that were me i would tell her very calmly. Until you can lower your voice and speak to me in a way thats respectful we are not going to talk about this.
That's just me though. When a woman is acting crazy like that all irrational thinking on her part is gone and the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation...especially if she is all in your face.

When i said your the man of the house, so be the man. I think you took me the wrong way. I meant in the biblical sense.

 

[A-ray]

It's true I haven't told her all my feelings.

It's difficult because there will be times that I confide in her on an emotional/spiritual level. I shared with her one time that the problems in our marriage were effecting my desire to lead worship at our church, something I do regularly along with my other ministries. I try to share things like that with her but then when I try to talk about what I think the problems in our marriage are with her and the finger even slightly gets pointed to her - her defense walls come up and conversations turn to arguments/fights rapidly and then I feel like I loose even more respect as the "priest" having told her things like my faith and spiritually have diminished in the midst of this current trial...

It's another catch-22 unfortunately….

 

[Angela53510]

I have news for you. Your wife is also a priest. All believers are!

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood [SUP]6 [/SUP]and made us a kingdom, priests to his God and Father, to him be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." Rev. 5b-6

In fact, when you say you need to control her, that sends up a warning flag. Only God is in control. Have you never read the Bible for how a husband is to behave towards his bride, his wife?

It is the same as Christ towards the church. Does God try and control us? Or does he love us, care for us, protect us, help us, comfort us, in every way shape and form. It sounds to me like you are immature and just want to be the center of attention and your wife is tired of this.

It is not about domineering or control. And your wife is to be submissive, which means to VOLUNTARILY come under you. If you give her no reason to trust and come under you, that is on you, not her. That is what leadership in the family is about. There is no place in the Bible that says a wife is to "obey" her husband, or that the husband is to control the wife. Please get right with God by reading the Word of God and finding out what it says, instead of this erroneous ideas you have about being the priest, instead of the bridegroom.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, [SUP]26 [/SUP]that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, [SUP]27 [/SUP]so that he might present the church to himself in splendor,without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[SUP][a][/SUP] [SUP]28 [/SUP]In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [SUP]29 [/SUP]For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, [SUP]30 [/SUP]because we are members of his body. [SUP]31 [/SUP]“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” [SUP]32 [/SUP]This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. [SUP]33 [/SUP]However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Eph. 5:25-33

You need to earn her respect by starting the process and loving your wife. Then you will find your marriage is one filled with joy, and love. Oh yes, and mutual submission.

"submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Eph. 5:21

 

[A-ray]

Angela53510 - I am very sorry, I shouldn't have used the words control in the connotation it implies.

What I meant in that statement was more in regards to leadership. How can you LEAD someone who seemingly wont be led?

I wont deny that the same couldn't be said for me, and I am young but I don't feel I am immature. I do understand that my wife can also be the priest (in fact the head pastor at my church is a female). I understand that my wife has a calling and a ministry and that spiritually there is no male or female in Christ.

I think I may have come off sounding like a misogynist to you. I don't believe I am.

I don't think of my wife in any less fashion than myself but the question in this is, If In a given circumstance I feel one course of action is best and she another, what's the tie breaker or is there one that exists.

I realize that may be a petty way to examine things but unfortunately that's where I am at.

In the church there is a Pastor and a board, deacons and elders to consult but in a marriage there are just two people. If we can never see eye to eye then how do we handle ourselves?

 

[A-ray]

I would also like to extend a thank you to all those who've replied so far. It helps to talk things out and get out of your head. I haven't been able to talk to many of my friends about this and it just helps. I appreciate your thoughts, advice and hopefully your prayers.

I am struggling and my faith isn't what it should be but there is still a piece of me that believes that God somehow will turn this situation around and our life will become a testimony.

Until that happens though, I'm trying my best to stay out my head in a negative fashion - problem is, I don't always succeed so thank you for listening and allowing me to vent.

 

[sunnygurl]

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but thankfully God is a God of restoration.

Just an idea I wonder if you and your wife would be willing to attend marriage counselling with another church or Christian organisation where you will not have to deal with people you know, knowing your personal business.

Marriage I believe is all about loving our mate and putting them first not focusing on our own needs but focusing on the needs of our mate, this works beautifully when it is mutual.

Stay the course is my advice marriage is a wonderful thing however it needs constant work, understanding, patience, and God at the centre. After you both have weathered this storm in your relationship you will have a strong foundation in your marriage to continue to build upon. Also every person is flawed in someway except Jesus so no-one except Jesus can meet all our needs. God may be refining you both so perhaps change your thinking - renew your mind and guard your heart so God can work within this current situation.

Sometimes when we communicate with each other things are misinterpreted and misunderstood. A great book to read which may help you both to understand the communication process better is HUMAN BE-ING How to have a creative relationship instead of a power struggle. Author William V. Pietsch

My prayers are with you and your wife to not only survive this trial but also to thrive together while going through it. Blessings to you both

 

[A-ray]

Thank you sunnrgurl! I appreciated your words!

Actually the therapist I am seeing now suggested what you did, that we maybe seek counseling at an external church but my wife didn't like that idea so the plan is that we will see an regular therapist who is a christian vs. a christian therapist or pastoral counselor.

I will look into the book you suggested! Thank you!

 

[Angela53510]

Angela53510 - I am very sorry, I shouldn't have used the words control in the connotation it implies.

What I meant in that statement was more in regards to leadership. How can you LEAD someone who seemingly wont be led?

I wont deny that the same couldn't be said for me, and I am young but I don't feel I am immature. I do understand that my wife can also be the priest (in fact the head pastor at my church is a female). I understand that my wife has a calling and a ministry and that spiritually there is no male or female in Christ.

I think I may have come off sounding like a misogynist to you. I don't believe I am.

I don't think of my wife in any less fashion than myself but the question in this is, If In a given circumstance I feel one course of action is best and she another, what's the tie breaker or is there one that exists.

I realize that may be a petty way to examine things but unfortunately that's where I am at.

In the church there is a Pastor and a board, deacons and elders to consult but in a marriage there are just two people. If we can never see eye to eye then how do we handle ourselves?

I apologize for coming on too heavy. I think you understand these things intellectually, but are they reflected in your behaviour and heart? You wife also seems to have a lot of growing in the Lord to do. The thing is, sometimes she might be right. Maybe examine your heart to see if she is right on a certain issue. Pray about it again.

If you are sure God is leading you, then stick to your guns. But not by controlling her, but just by doing it. If she sees you were right in the end, without fighting, then you will be a loving example to her.

Also, even in church, the elder board is not perfect. I can think of several major examples (ones which I was not involved with) where our pastors and elders made a decision, it was approved by the church, and then they delayed and it fell apart, saying God was not in it. God WAS in it, but they dragged their feet in implementing it, and God withdrew his approval, to the detriment of our church and community. I pray our elder board learns it's lessons, as they are not a shining example of obeying God either.

I will pray for you. Which I neglected to put in my last post. But I actually have been praying for you. So I guess that is better than saying it and not doing it.

Marriage can be very hard. You may have even made a mistake in this marriage. But that does not mean the mistake cannot be fixed. God is in the people changing business. And that includes saving marriages.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I'm so sorry to hear of your marriage problems... and it sounds like there are definitely major problems. It's obvious that your marriage cannot continue the way it is, and my advice would be to simply tell her that. Help her to see you as a person, with feelings and needs and pain and grief over what is lost in your marriage. There are ways that this can come across without her feeling defensive, hopefully, and throwing her shields up. Not telling her WHAT you need that she isn't doing, so much as just going to her and getting on your knees and saying, "I am hurting... I don't know what to do. What can I do to make this marriage better?" Perhaps this approach will help her to open up in a way she hasn't before, and see things from your perspective.

Her defensiveness is probably due to her own guilt over her actions and attitude. She probably realizes deep down that she has problems and issues, but pride is keeping her from actively fixing it. If you let your pride down and come to her in humility, she may be encouraged to let her pride go and seek answers with you.

Questions: Did you go through any sort of pre-marital counseling while engaged? Does she give a reason for the lack of intimacy? Being intimate only three times over the course of your marriage is a definite sign that something is seriously wrong...

I'm praying for you and your wife, that God would strengthen that which he has joined, and give you hope.

 

[DorothyG]

Whenever I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation I pray for God's will. ONLY God's will.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I truly feel for you

You'll definitely be in my prayers.

 

[eddie1801]

First of all I want to welcome you to CC. I see by your join date, that you are new here. This is a good place to receive advice from. Secondly, I want to say sorry for hearing about your situation. I've been married a little bit over a year now, therefore I believe I can give you some advice. One of the people above asked a good question..Did you two receive pre-marital counseling before you got married? If not, I do have a major suggestion to fixing your problem. As a somewhat newly wed myself, it is important that you and YOUR WIFE PRAY TOGETHER. This is very important for us newly weds since the enemy wants to destroy marriages. Do you guys pray together? If not I really suggest this as a first step. It is definitely a serious problem if you guys only had sex 3 times in eight months. Communication is important in every relationship, and you must communicate with your wife in this issue. Sex is a learning experience since you were a virgin when you guys got married. You have to communicate with her about what she likes and what she dislikes sexually. Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage. You and her have needs, but since you are new at this you may not know how to effectively communicate them. I suggest counseling, but not divorce. This may be just a rough season for you two. Definitely, DO NOT tell your wife you are fantasizing about other women. I do not think this will be wise. I believe in giving sound advice, however you need to tell her you would like to pray with her, and have sex more often. If you have any other questions feel free to PM me. Hope everything works out.

 

[presidente]

I have been married just under a year. We are both young, 24 years old. We dated about 8 months and were engaged for another 8.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Lack of respect and lack of sex are two things that can make you feel extremely deprived in marriage. Sexually, did you have a very active period right when you got married, or was it a rarity right from the start?

You are anonymous, I guess, so I'll ask, was your wife a virgin at marriage? Was she abused in any way? That can cause some huge sexual issues.

As far as respect goes, there are different things you can do. One thing is to work on your spiritual life with her. This can help the sex, too. Pray together and read the Bible together. Confess your sins to one another, especially if you have sinned against her and vice versa. Make living a life that is right before God a constant theme when you talk with her. While divorce rates between unbelievers and evangelicals in the US are about the same, I've read that if Christian couples pray together regularly, that the chances of divorce are far less than 1%.

You need to address the respect and sex issues head on. Tell her that you feel ripped off. You chose to marry rather than to be celibate for life because you wanted to have sex. That's not why you chose her (probably) to be the one to marry, but it's probably the reason you chose to marry. You wanted the married lifestyle, that included sex, right? If it weren't for the desire for sex, I'd probably have stayed single and celibate myself. It's either the sex, or the desire to connect that closely with a person or the desire to have children that makes us choose marriage (or social or family pressure. There are other reasons.)

The Bible calls her not having sex with you 'defrauding' you. She's cheating you out of something, and you feel cheated. Let her know that. I wouldn't divorce her over it if I were you, but you could share with her that you've thought of divorcing her over her depriving you of a normal sex life and treating you with disrespect, so she'll take it seriously. If I were you, I'd assure her of my love and commitment at this point. Being a wife (or husband) requires some effort. You have to invest in the relationship.

When it comes to sex, try a bit of seduction on her. Don't say, "Do you want to have sex now?" and give up if she says no. Don't spring it on her. Work her up to it. When you come home, give her a 10 second kiss. Dip her like you are doing the tango. Rub her shoulders when you pass her in the kitchen. Rub her back the next time. Then grab her behind. Work up to groping her a little. Comment on what you are going to do to her later. Later kiss, her, and passionately pick her up and carry her over the threshold of the bedroom, or else drag her. If she's laughing or kissing back, all is cool. If she's genuinely angry, don't do it, of course. If she acts a little crabby when you come on to her, diffuse it with funny flirtation, "don't act like you don't like it." If she cracks a smile when you do that, that's tell you something. Some women play hard to get even after they are married and you have to either play mind games or get past the mind games to pique her interest. If she says she doesn't want to do it later, don't take it too seriously. She's telling you what she's thinking or feeling at the mind, sharing her rationalizations of why she wouldn't want to have sex. Playfully diffuse her objections. Come back and flirt with her more later. Stripping down to nothing and laying diagonally across the bed when she gets gets done brushing her teeth and putting on all the face creams before going to sleep is another tactic. She could of course still refuse you, but she may just go with the flow of things. Talk with her from time to time. One woman may like to be pursued in this way, and another may not. Keep it playful. Try to keep her having a good time. You need to do everything you do in love. Her not having a sex life is bad for her, you, and the marriage, so being a bit aggressive to woo her to bed may be called for.

About respect, that's a tough one. The world teaches against it. Many churches don't call woman on a lack of respect. Some of the stuff coming from pulpits encourages the sin. Consider what kind of diet she has spiritually. Maybe you could take her to a church where they teach Biblically on husband and wife roles. There are also some online resources like the Peaceful Wife blog and videos. There is also this Russian lady on CrytoGod on Youtube. She has her own channel, something like thesubmissivewife or something along those lines. She goes into great detail teaching women to submit to their husbands, to pray for them, etc. You could study the Expemplory husband and the Excellent Wife together every night and pray about it with each other. She needs to see the lack of respect as an issue.

You may be able to change how you interact with her, too. If she yells, just disengage, and refuse to talk to her unless she acts like a mature adult. If she treats you with direspect, point it out and make an issue of it. Rebuke her if she sins in this area.

My wife had a bit of an issue with respect. When I realized this was the issue, I prayed this laundry list of problems with our marriage to the Lord and asked Him to speak to her about it. Some time later, she asked my forgiveness for several things she said the Lord showed her about herself, and repeated my laundry list back to me. Pray for your wife, and offer her accountability.

 

[Misty77]

Angela53510 - I am very sorry, I shouldn't have used the words control in the connotation it implies.

What I meant in that statement was more in regards to leadership. How can you LEAD someone who seemingly wont be led?

I wont deny that the same couldn't be said for me, and I am young but I don't feel I am immature. I do understand that my wife can also be the priest (in fact the head pastor at my church is a female). I understand that my wife has a calling and a ministry and that spiritually there is no male or female in Christ.

I think I may have come off sounding like a misogynist to you. I don't believe I am.

I don't think of my wife in any less fashion than myself but the question in this is, If In a given circumstance I feel one course of action is best and she another, what's the tie breaker or is there one that exists.

I realize that may be a petty way to examine things but unfortunately that's where I am at.

In the church there is a Pastor and a board, deacons and elders to consult but in a marriage there are just two people. If we can never see eye to eye then how do we handle ourselves?

Your actions are the only ones you can control. And I would be REALLY careful about acting like your wife owes you sex. Yes, you two are married, but that part is still attached to her. A healthy marriage has healthy sex, which is NOT coercing her with Bible verses; that would be teetering toward spiritual and sexual abuse. She should never feel pressured, threatened, or manipulated into sex. What you want is a sexual expression of the love you and your wife have for each other, and that isn't likely to occur until you fix the emotional and relational aspects first.
Keep living your life for The Lord, treat your wife with love and respect, and pray for The Lord to guide her heart. Maybe she will change, maybe she won't. But you are only responsible for your contribution to the marriage.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

And I would be REALLY careful about acting like your wife owes you sex. Yes, you two are married, but that part is still attached to her. A healthy marriage has healthy sex, which is NOT coercing her with Bible verses; that would be teetering toward spiritual and sexual abuse.

I haven't seen anything to indicate that the OP feels he is owed sex, or that he he has coerced her with Bible verses? Am I missing something?