Relationship choices

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Beeb0

Guest
#1
I've been with my girlfriend going on 7 months; Granted we've had our problems, we've always worked them out. Her dream is to join the Army & to become a surgeon (I support her 100%) & i've always been there for her to give her encouragement & to help her in anyway I can. She'll be leaving in around 7 months & I may never see her again & if I do, it may only be once or twice a year. I made a huge decision in my life to join her in the Army, not only to be with her but to better myself by doing something positive in life & bettering myself all around. The Army has a marriage program where a married couple will be able to live together on base & be around eachother often.

We've discussed this many times over the last few weeks & got all of our feelings out in the open; However, she's uncertain about whether to go through with marriage or not. I have my doubts aswell but I also know this may be our only chance to be together & not lose eachother. It's so hard for me hanging on to her knowing that I may just end up losing her in 7 months, it's really taking it's toll on me. She's stated that she's unsure about marriage & that she wants to enjoy life before settling down (I can understand this) & i'd be really selfish to try & get her to do something that she's not 100% into.

She tells me everyday how much she loves & cares about me, I tell her the same...it's just hard going through each day with those feelings knowing that in 7 months, it could very well be the end. Please pray for us that we may both find our way in this hectic situation & any advice will be very much appreciated. God bless.
 
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Maddog

Guest
#2
Have a break from her, and give her the impression that you don't mind either way what she wants to do.

That will force her to think about whether or not she wants to be with you with no pressure.

I agree with your intuition that marriage should not be rushed into, but on the other hand, neither is it fair to string along in a relationship someone whom you know you won't marry. Even though she tells you how much she loves you, in my opinion the real test of love is when they commit to spending the rest of their life with you.
 
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FixYourWeave

Guest
#3
back it up a minute... so you joined the army to be with her?? And you dont even know if the two of you are gonna get married....If shes having doubts and your having doubts there is your answer.. dont get married
 

Sharp

Senior Member
May 5, 2009
2,565
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#4
This exact situation happened in season 12 of ER.

You know what happened? They got married, then the husband went to Iraq, and died.

I'm not trying to scare you. I think you should ask her whether she loves you enough not to join the army. In terms of her commitment to the relationship, it doesn't seem like she's fully committed, because her main priority seems to be joining the army, whereas you DO seem to be fully committed, because you're willing to change your life to be wherever she is.

If I were you, I would hit her with an ultimatim. Either tell me this relationship is leading towards a marriage within the next 18 months and we'll both join the army, or don't tell me that, you join the army, and never see me again.
 

grace

Senior Member
Sep 8, 2006
1,064
11
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#5
This exact situation happened in season 12 of ER.

You know what happened? They got married, then the husband went to Iraq, and died.

I'm not trying to scare you. I think you should ask her whether she loves you enough not to join the army. In terms of her commitment to the relationship, it doesn't seem like she's fully committed, because her main priority seems to be joining the army, whereas you DO seem to be fully committed, because you're willing to change your life to be wherever she is.

If I were you, I would hit her with an ultimatim. Either tell me this relationship is leading towards a marriage within the next 18 months and we'll both join the army, or don't tell me that, you join the army, and never see me again.


I agree with Sharp on this one.

You need to feel peace before you move foward with the Army or the relationship.
 
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FixYourWeave

Guest
#6
This exact situation happened in season 12 of ER.

You know what happened? They got married, then the husband went to Iraq, and died.

I'm not trying to scare you. I think you should ask her whether she loves you enough not to join the army. In terms of her commitment to the relationship, it doesn't seem like she's fully committed, because her main priority seems to be joining the army, whereas you DO seem to be fully committed, because you're willing to change your life to be wherever she is.

If I were you, I would hit her with an ultimatim. Either tell me this relationship is leading towards a marriage within the next 18 months and we'll both join the army, or don't tell me that, you join the army, and never see me again.

But you must ask youself, if you loved someone why would you ask them to give up their dream.....

your advice sucks. I mean that in the best way possible. wait... no, no i dont. :D
 

Sharp

Senior Member
May 5, 2009
2,565
19
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#7
But you must ask youself, if you loved someone why would you ask them to give up their dream.....

your advice sucks. I mean that in the best way possible. wait... no, no i dont. :D
Give up their dream? She doesn't seem to want to marry him regardless of whether she pursues her dream or not.

If you loved someone, why wouldn't you marry them? Wanting to "enjoy life before settling down" is a lame excuse. If her dream is to join the army and enjoy life and NOT get married, and his dream is to get married, and he's willing to make her dream his dream in order to make it happen, and she STILL doesn't want to get married, then there's a problem. They are at very different stages in their lives and they want different things, and will have to make some tough decisions in the coming months with that in mind.
 

grace

Senior Member
Sep 8, 2006
1,064
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#8
I understood what Sharp meant.

He was just recognizing that there was not a balance of sacrafice or discussion of the future etc, and there needs to be.
 
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Beeb0

Guest
#9
back it up a minute... so you joined the army to be with her?? And you dont even know if the two of you are gonna get married....If shes having doubts and your having doubts there is your answer.. dont get married

I haven't joined the Army yet & my basis for doing so is because of her encouragement. I've realized (with her help) that it'll give me a great opportunity to do something good with my life.
 
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Beeb0

Guest
#10
Thanks for the advice everyone, it's just hard for me right now. She's unsure of what she wants & meanwhile, i'm here trying to accept that.
 

cookie39

Senior Member
Oct 5, 2009
616
12
18
#11
I say that if she is unsure, and she respected you enough to tell you that and why. It should help you, because in this world today some people don't take marriage for what it truly is. and they do it because it sound like it will be fun or they want to be alone, and some marry someone who they know is not good for them ( not refering to you) but will do it just because they asked or preasured them into. it takes more then love to keep a marriage strong and lasting. so if someone is not sure about it; allow them to have that and to change it on their own. Do o raher she sa es now not being sure and marry you and a year or so say, now I know; I don't want to be married, I do pray that if it is God's will for you to be her husband, it will happen and in Christ Jesus it will last. so let not your heart be troubled,
 
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Graybeard

Guest
#12
...... she wants to enjoy life before settling down......

She tells me everyday how much she loves & cares about me,.....
There is the problem, she says she loves you but not enough to enjoy life with you...think about it, what does she mean by "wants to enjoy life before settling down", if two people are TRULY in love with each other then their partner IS their life!...sheesh!..marriage does not mean life comes to an end, it is the beginning of the enjoyment of life.
 
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Sharp

Senior Member
May 5, 2009
2,565
19
38
#13
There is the problem, she says she loves you but not enough to enjoy life with you...think about it, what does she mean by "wants to enjoy life before settling down", if two people are TRULY in love with each other then their partner IS their life!...sheesh!..marriage does not mean life comes to an end, it is the beginning of the enjoyment of life.
That's a good point - and why I don't like that excuse. She's basically saying that she will get the most enjoyment out of life by not being married to you Beeb0, whereas I don't think you have the same view.
 
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ChristopherMichael

Guest
#14
There is the problem, she says she loves you but not enough to enjoy life with you...think about it, what does she mean by "wants to enjoy life before settling down", if two people are TRULY in love with each other then their partner IS their life!...sheesh!..marriage does not mean life comes to an end, it is the beginning of the enjoyment of life.
Amen brother!
 
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Matthew

Guest
#15
Considering the adjustment in lifestyle you would each face joining the army getting married as well might just add extra pressure to your situation.

I think if she isn't wanting to marry you then chances are if she did she would be compromising and that isn't good for either person, and when she say's she want's to enjoy life before getting married, well that makes it seem like she views marriage as the end to the good times in life, which is the exact opposite view to what you should have when considering marriage, and it's something too many people now seem to feel, they think marriage is some sort of prison where no-one has any fun.
 
Oct 23, 2009
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#16
Honestly (like we have discussed this before) God will tell you directly if this relationship is really meant to head for marriage or not.
If there are red flags popping up that is probably something you should start to pay attention to. Because if you choose to ignore certain signals and things that you might believe a marriage will just heal.. that will be one of the biggest mistakes anyone could make in their lives. Marriage is forever.. If there are things about her that you cannot handle now, you wont be able to handle them when you get married.. marriage doesnt solve anything.. Please be careful.

Also, I wanted to join the U.S Navy at one point for a career and also for a guy .. (Thank the Lord I didnt). Even if you join the military, it is possible that you might not be together all the time, espeically when you get deployed which is like what.. months at at time without seeing each other..
 
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dee133

Guest
#17
I think you have some good advice here. You probably should take her "not so subtle hint" and decide what is best for your life. Don't make a life-changing decision based on what she thinks you should do. Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder...and sometimes it gives you the space to make the right decision. Consult God!
 
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Dread_Zeppelin

Guest
#18
Wow- dont get married. That is a poor reason to tie the knot. You want your mate to be a person who is your best friend, someone you can't live life without no matter what- not some girl that might get away. God could have someone 100x more awesome for you. In the case that He doesn't, if God wants you to get married to her why would you think that being away from her would cause you two to split up? Lots of relationships and marriages survive Iraq (some dont) but the one's that God endorses I'm sure do. Plus joining the military for a girl...dude. Live life for your OWN dreams, not someone elses. But otherwise, pray.