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Thread: Should I leave my church?

  1. #1
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    Default Should I leave my church?

    First off, let me just say how thankful I am to have found a place where I can fellowship and speak freely with other believers who I hope will have my best interest and help me see things from the right perspective ...i know I don't have all the answers and when I married I moved far away from my family and friends so sometimes I feel like I have noone to talk to. So here is the situation:
    My husband and I are at a church where the pastor is my husband's "best friend." He is pretty young to be a pastor but I truly believe he is a man of God and will be a great pastor and grow over time to where God wants him to be. So, the only thing is.... years ago, he and I had a falling out where I felt like he was taking advantage of my husband.. my husband is the Minister of Music at the church...so we ended up moving to another state due to financial troubles...after a year away, we moved back and came back to the church... ever since we have returned, I feel like things are not the same..i apologized and he said he forgave me but he avoids me at church and i see him talking to everyone but he will literally walk past me to get to other members...i feel like he set boundaries for him wife and their son who is my son's best friend...she doesnt really talk to me and I feel very much so excluded...i even sometimes see her tell her son to come to her when he is playing with my son...This is very hurtful but I tried to understand where they are coming from, being that we had a situation ..but if all is really forgiven then it should be cool right..i even forgave him for what i feel like he did towards us...
    He and my husband have been friends for about 15 years.. my husband is the one who asked him to move to our current city from where he grew up..he moved here and got married and he is now very wealthy and the pastor of the church...we however, live a normal life with normal finances and still sometimes have financial issues...my husband has since been reinstated as the Minister of Music...and it takes up a great deal of his time... he has to be at the church by certain times, use his personal time to find songs, teach the band, rehears the singers...its time consuming and he does it as unto the Lord with no pay because the pastor refused to pay him... this is not a problem to us, but I just find it odd that he hired a guitar player, drummer, singers, and pays them all but doesn't pay my husband who is the keyboard player and was the praise leader for years or even myself who sings... i just feel like, if you are not paying anyone, then dont pay anyone...however, i sing as unto the Lord and that is the bottom line.. but to top things off...since he has known my husband for so long and known him before he was saved...he uses his life as an example every sunday on what NOT to do.... now i know my husband is not perfect but it is very shameful to have all of his flaws on display by someone else... my husband shares his life lessons on his on time, but the pastor always uses him and we can do nothing but sit there while everyone looks at us and laughs..for example he will say..."none of my friends are doing as well as I am financially..." or he will say "This brother (my husband) was into some weird stuff and I couldnt be around him too long..raise your hand if you think you could stand to be around him all day."....how embarrassing...he should be building his friend up if he things he could do better financially, etc...instead, I feel more discouraged when I leave than before I came in...I have been considering going to another church...its hard to respect my husband when I hear so much negative about him from his "best friend" each week..and he is considered a minister of the church, but no one respects him at all there and he has let me know that it bothers him to be the butt of the joke all the time at church...what should i do?

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    I know I'm young and what I think isn't always right but I feel you should take your husband to a room and sit down and tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him you have been thinking about finding another church. Then as husband and wife PRAY about it and ask God what to do.
    I'll be praying for you.
    Lucy68, kayem77 and Misty77 like this.

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    Senior Member Angela53510's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    This is no best friend. I can't believe you have endured this so long. I am a chaplain, and I was taught to never even reveal anything about your family, let alone someone else without their permission. This is also common sense!

    Your husband has been made a whipping boy. You and your son are being hurt. I would not ever return to a church like this! A close friend of mine had something similar happen to her husband. They tried for 2 years to work things out, but the pastor just kept holding this grudge, based on something he imagined! They left the church, and eventually about half the church left over what we had witnessed. I do not regret leaving, sometimes God wants us to move on.

    Please pray about it, and ask God whether this is the church you should stay in. This pastor is unethical and you really need to consider leaving.
    kayem77, Blackson, Ariel82 and 3 others like this.
    "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9 NASB

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    The Pastor ridicules, and the congregation laughs. Wow, that's a toughie! I don't feel in a position to advise, just wanted to let you know that I took it to heart, and just feel for ya. Only God can show you what you need to do, and you probably know that, just wanted some decent human compassion as we all do. There are bullies everywhere, I guess it makes us stronger to be abused by them, but I hope you find a place, whether it be there or somewhere else, that the distractions of petty behavior gives way to brotherly love. cuz that is sweeeeetttttt!

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    Quote Originally Posted by only4Hymn View Post
    First off, let me just say how thankful I am to have found a place where I can fellowship and speak freely with other believers who I hope will have my best interest and help me see things from the right perspective ...i know I don't have all the answers and when I married I moved far away from my family and friends so sometimes I feel like I have noone to talk to. So here is the situation:
    My husband and I are at a church where the pastor is my husband's "best friend." He is pretty young to be a pastor but I truly believe he is a man of God and will be a great pastor and grow over time to where God wants him to be. So, the only thing is.... years ago, he and I had a falling out where I felt like he was taking advantage of my husband.. my husband is the Minister of Music at the church...so we ended up moving to another state due to financial troubles...after a year away, we moved back and came back to the church... ever since we have returned, I feel like things are not the same..i apologized and he said he forgave me but he avoids me at church and i see him talking to everyone but he will literally walk past me to get to other members...i feel like he set boundaries for him wife and their son who is my son's best friend...she doesnt really talk to me and I feel very much so excluded...i even sometimes see her tell her son to come to her when he is playing with my son...This is very hurtful but I tried to understand where they are coming from, being that we had a situation ..but if all is really forgiven then it should be cool right..i even forgave him for what i feel like he did towards us...
    He and my husband have been friends for about 15 years.. my husband is the one who asked him to move to our current city from where he grew up..he moved here and got married and he is now very wealthy and the pastor of the church...we however, live a normal life with normal finances and still sometimes have financial issues...my husband has since been reinstated as the Minister of Music...and it takes up a great deal of his time... he has to be at the church by certain times, use his personal time to find songs, teach the band, rehears the singers...its time consuming and he does it as unto the Lord with no pay because the pastor refused to pay him... this is not a problem to us, but I just find it odd that he hired a guitar player, drummer, singers, and pays them all but doesn't pay my husband who is the keyboard player and was the praise leader for years or even myself who sings... i just feel like, if you are not paying anyone, then dont pay anyone...however, i sing as unto the Lord and that is the bottom line.. but to top things off...since he has known my husband for so long and known him before he was saved...he uses his life as an example every sunday on what NOT to do.... now i know my husband is not perfect but it is very shameful to have all of his flaws on display by someone else... my husband shares his life lessons on his on time, but the pastor always uses him and we can do nothing but sit there while everyone looks at us and laughs..for example he will say..."none of my friends are doing as well as I am financially..." or he will say "This brother (my husband) was into some weird stuff and I couldnt be around him too long..raise your hand if you think you could stand to be around him all day."....how embarrassing...he should be building his friend up if he things he could do better financially, etc...instead, I feel more discouraged when I leave than before I came in...I have been considering going to another church...its hard to respect my husband when I hear so much negative about him from his "best friend" each week..and he is considered a minister of the church, but no one respects him at all there and he has let me know that it bothers him to be the butt of the joke all the time at church...what should i do?
    You said it Sister, things are not the same, time to move on!
    You should have never went back, but maybe God wanted to make that perfectly clear to you!
    many blessings
    Blackson likes this.

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    I agree with Angela. The pastor is way out of line.

    Personally, I would just leave, and I can't even see that there's anything to pray about.

    The pastor, through his conduct, is disqualifying himself from being a pastor.


    Here are a couple of passages showing the character requirements for being a pastor.

    1Timothy 3:2
    A bishop then
    must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
    3:3 Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;
    3:4 One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;
    3:5 (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)
    3:6 Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.
    3:7 Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil

    Titus 1:7
    For a bishop
    must be blameless, as the steward of God; not selfwilled, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre;
    1:8 But a lover of hospitality, a lover of good men, sober, just, holy, temperate;
    1:9 Holding fast the faithful word as he hath been taught, that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort and to convince the gainsayers.


    The phrase "must be" shows these are requirements; they are necessities.
    They aren't optional.

    If the things you're saying about your pastor are true, then he's missing a great many of these character requirements... way too many to ignore.

    I've underlined a few words that I think are applicable... but you and your husband can look over these words yourself and make your own decisions. He probably fails on many more of these words than just the ones I underlined.
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    Senior Member maxwel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    Note:
    No pastor is capable of being perfect. But he should have a certain "level of maturity" in each of the specific character qualities from those passages.

    Any pastor should be very sensitive to, and aware of, these specific character qualifications.
    These specific passages should be taken very very seriously by any pastor.
    Angela53510 and mystdancer50 like this.

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    I don't think you should leave the church all by yourself while your husband goes there. You need to handle this together. Tell your husband how you feel. I think your husband should sit down and have a serious talk with the pastor about the jokes/shaming. There is a proverb that says something along the lines of someone who lies and says 'wasn't I joking' being like a blind man shooting flaming arrows. Something along those lines. Humor can be hurtful. Maybe he's got a grudge against you guys.

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    To go to church in oder to be made fun of, is not the right way and certainly not what a friend would do.
    And a pastor should talk about god, jesus and so on.
    There are a lot of biblical examples, no need to build on a friends story.

    I do not know, how much is circumstancesly (like perhaps you seeing your pastors wife calling her son, when he is playing with your son, but not that she might be doing that often, no matter who he playes with), but that some people are payed and other not for help is not good for the congregation, that your pastor uses your husband as an example so often, is not good.
    And with always the same sermon about failure and (hopefully also victories) of the past, how can you (and your husband) grow in your faith (getting new ideas).

    You might really think about changing church. So that the pastor of your current church can become a friend again, instead of doubling in a spiritual leader and friend. I have the feeling, he is not able at the moment to be both.

    But I do not know the persons involved and maybe a clearing word might help, about you being very weary of hearing (jokes) about your past (your husband past) all the time.

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I agree that the pastor has crossed the line when he uses your husband as examples of how not to be. Ugh! Could you and your husband talk to the pastor about these things?

    I am sorry I do not have any words of wisdom for you.

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    Thank you all sooooooooo much for caring...i typed this lastnight after I found this site and was hoping that anyone would take the time to just hear me out because I feel like I have no voice in this...i just recently talked to my husband about it over the weekend...While we were in the bed at the end of the night, with the lights off..I asked him "Do you care about the things the pastor says about you?" and he said..."actually yes.." and so i was like, "really? I never knew because it has been going on for so long.." and he said it started bothering him about a month ago and he doesnt like being the butt of the jokes...and i was like "i'm glad to hear that because I was starting to think you didnt have self respect and it was getting hard for me to even respect you."...a few weeks ago my husband had a dream that he had a tooth with a cavity in it and when he looked at it, it was a baby tooth..something along those lines...he said he believes it means that he doesnt like the way he is perceived by others and it seems sooooo true...he doesnt like the way he is looked down on in church and he is not perceived well and I am SURE it is because of these jokes and comments by the pastor... my husband is an awesome person and fun to be around but some people will never know this because they have a preconceived notion about him now... My pastor has been a friend to my husband and I agree with the comment that maybe he has a struggle on how to be both pastor and friend at the same time and being a couple of years younger than my husband..I am 34 like the pastor and my husband is 36. There is a board at the church but no bishop and because he is soooo wealthy, alot of the times I think he feels and people of the church feel that he must be doing something right.... but I know that there are plenty of people who have it all wrong but have a lot of money..just look on tv..right? Well, my husband has mentioned going to another church and music is his gift and his passion so he will want to be able to still play for the Lord and he has some offers to do so at great ministries...i will keep you all updated on what happens..but i really am thankful for all of your prayers and I feel so relieved to get this off my chest and hear some responses that are full of Godly wisdom...God bless you all
    Last edited by only4Hymn; December 31st, 2013 at 02:55 PM.

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    Praise God! I am so happy you have talked with your husband about this. Please keep us posted about what happens.

    And, that is why we are here. To lend a shoulder when it is needed, to give advice when asked for, to be a friend, and so many other things. **hugs**

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    Senior Member Angela53510's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    I just want to mention, that I was talking to my evangelism prof from Seminary today, on FB. She asked my permission to use the story of my father getting saved 5 months before his death, through what I had learned in the course, and my husband, who has an amazing ministry of sharing the gospel. I would never have known, but ethics says she did the right thing, to ask my permission.

    Just because your pastor has a lot of money, doesn't mean he is doing anything right. He is fleecing his flock, and not caring for them. I pray you will be able to leave the church, and both of you continue your ministries in music.
    Lucy68 and Toska like this.
    "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9 NASB

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    This is very true that money can not be the deciding factor in this but it makes a very convincing statement. Actually one of the churches that wants my husband to come and be a part of their music ministry, asked him to play for New Year's service lastnight...my kids sat with me as he played and it felt good to be there with people who don't know me and a pastor speaking to us all as equals...we rang in the New Year and after the final prayer we were dismissed... as I am getting the kids coats on, they look surprised because before we can get to my husband, they see our pastor heading to the stage to talk to daddy....I am surprised as well and by the time we get our things and walk towards him, the pastor has left... I ask my husband how did he get here or know we were here but the previous day the Church Administrator who also happens to be a friend of the pastor had called my husband to ask him what he would be doing for New Year's and even though my husband told him he would be playing somewhere, when the Admin asked where, he gave general location of where the church is located..but somehow the Admin googled and found out and he showed up as well but left early and he told the pastor where to find him... it was like they were stalking him... my husband has known the Admin for years also but he was introduced to him by the pastor... it was crazy to see them there..I am sure they will try to intervene now..so it continues
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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    I'm very glad you and your husband have spoken about the issue and have considered going to another church. If you are to leave, try and leave as peacefully as you are able, leaving with a clear conscience. Don't let them try to intimidate you or what not - any sign of that kind of thing is a sure sign to pack up your bags and say good bye.
    nimbus3852 likes this.

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    Sista ..Why are you prolonging freedom from abuse..just leave you do not owe anyone an explanation..why do youvfear the opinion of man..you and your husband need to keep It movin.. god bless

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    GOD is a fun construct. You probably need to just go ahead and die. ME TOO

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    Leave that church. No pastor is ever called to be wealthy while others struggle. He is not your husbands best friend. And he is not a great preacher. He probably would like it if you left your husband. Don't lose respect for your husband. He needs you on his side. Praying for God to deal with this pompous brother who is by no means a faithful minister of God. Blessings to you and your husband. __ Larry.
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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    always sad to hear stories like this, but it should be a reminder that even pastors are people, and even the strongest Christians can fall into sin and not even realize it if their not carefull.

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    Default Re: Should I leave my church?

    Wow, I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this! I can't believe a pastor would do this to one of their congregation. I seriously wonder what kind of fruit he is producing.

    Some charismatic people can 'control' others. It might be time for you and your husband to break contact with this damaging person. You'll probably experience revenge tactics but over time your lives will become easier and you can serve the Lord without condemnation. Your reaction to this test is crucial....the Holy Spirit can work only where there is no resentment or retaliation on your part against this man; love, forgiveness, and prayers for him will bless him and yourselves.

    Probably, this man will try to blame you for when his ministry falls apart, which is very likely if he continues the way he is going. If you're prepared for it, it won't damage you. That preparation is to get your mind right by letting the Lord fight your spiritual battles for you. Have scriptures ready and repeat them often. Remember, Jesus battled Satan by using Scripture. It really works .

    I recently got out of a volunteer situation where the leader was over-controlling, manipulative, gossipy, and vindictive...all under the guise of being a strong Christian. This may line up with Jesus' words...

    Matthew 7:22-23

    English Standard Version (ESV)


    22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ 23 And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

    I do not want to judge who is saved and who isn't...that is completely God's territory. But I do not want to be associated with people who wear the Christian clothing but their fruit is not healthy nor Christ-like. I now stay clear of this person as much as possible. Her 'ministry' seems to be more ego-building than Kingdom-building. I miss my volunteer work but my mind is free from her control and negative influence. She seems to think that she can tell me what to do with my life and how to use my resources; and then criticizes me behind my back. This is not my idea of what a Christian looks like.

    Praying for you...wisdom and guidance and healing for your family; may the Holy Spirit guide your family into green pastures where you can worship Him freely .
    Toska likes this.

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