Husband demanding divorce, not sure what to do

[brokenwife]

And I do agree he is not a Christian at heart, he has even told me during this process he doesn't pray or wish to go to church because he feels to guilty. I also know the chances of him ever being the husband or man God wants him to be are slim to none so I am trying not to hold out much hope for that either.

 

[danschance]

Hi all- I would really appreciate some sound, faith filled advice on what to do in my current situation.
I will try to make this as short as possible.
My husband and I have been together since we were in high school. When I went away to college we went our separate ways and he wound up getting a girlfriend pregnant- from there they got engaged and moved in together. They broke up before she had the baby, he decided to join the Army, and about a year later we ran off and got married. It was a crazy time in our lives, but one of the happiest. He managed to see his son every week and is an amazing father. We even moved back home to be near to him and finish school. Everything was going great. I was saved during this time and we got very involved in church- members of a small group, various ministries, and a marriage mentoring program. My husband had grown up Christian but never really seemed interested until this time. We even had a "real" wedding this past June to celebrate what God had done in our marriage and to share our love and our vows in front of our families and my husband's son. I always knew my husband had struggled with guilt of his decision to not be with his son's mother and marry me instead and yes I knew he probably should have stayed with her- but after we were married I knew it was God's will we were to stay married so I thought thats what we were both fighting for. About 3 months ago- my husband came to me and told me he just couldn't do it- he couldn't accept he would never have a "family" unit with his son, he didn't want to have children with me because then his kids would have different moms and he hated that idea, he hated being away from his son and he just couldn't honor our marriage any longer. I was crushed. The next day while I was gone, he packed up and left. Since then, he has been living with his son and his son's mom, trying to make that relationship work (adultery). While I understand his feelings of guilt- biblically I am his wife- after God, his loyalty is to me then to his son. I loved my step son as if he were my own- I supported their relationship in every way I could. That was never an issue. My husband just does not care to trust God's wisdom and judgement.
He is now pressuring me to sign papers for a divorce- by me signing these papers the divorce will be final within weeks and he can continue on with his other relationship without feeling guilty and with little money spent. If i don't sign (which I told him from day one I would not sign anything)- the process will take at least a year and be thousands of dollars. He is practically begging me to avoid that. So I am torn- I love this man, I never wanted to be without him or my step son. I do not think divorce should be an easy process and honestly I just don't believe in it so I do not want to participate at all. But I don't know that I want to create such a huge mess by forcing it to go into litigation, just to have the same end result. At the same time, time could be used in my favor and my husband will be forced to face what he is doing instead of rushing in and out of decisions like he has always done. My heart is broken and I would so much appreciate some insight. This is my worst nightmare, all I ever wanted was a loving, God fearing family and to find myself in this situation is truly terrifying.

It sounds like are doing the right thing by not signing those papers. It makes no sense to me to get a divorce so you can marry another.

There are some things you can do and are doing:
1)By not signing the papers you are giving him more time to think about what he is doing and that might help get him back.

2) There is a prayer you can pray that is based on the story of Hosea and his cheating wife. This prayer has several names, like Hedge prayer, wayward spouse prayer and the Hosea prayer. Here is a good site that explains what to do but he does list a form prayer:How to Build a Hedge Around an Unfaithful Partner Search the web for more on this by googling "Hosea Pray or hedge prayer.

Here the prayer and it is all over the web:

Father I ask in sorrow, knowing that You do not intrude upon free will, but that You can give Divine Influence like you did with Hosea's wife, that You send a hedge of thorns and wall around (spouse's name) so that he cannot find the paths that lead him away from me and our marriage/family; and though he shall pursue his [i.e. lifestyle, sinful ways, etc.] , he will not [i.e. practice improper lifestyles, engage in sin, etc.] ; though he shall seek [i.e. improper lifestyles, sin, etc.] , he shall not find [i.e. his desired lifestyle, the sin that draws him, etc.] ; that no matter what path or what [i.e. lifestyle, sin, etc.] he seeks he shall not find satisfaction or happiness until he returns to me, his [wife & family.] where he may then be taught by Your Holy Spirit the true meaning of [ marriage & family,] , and to be a good and loving [ husband & father] , and to know the ways of righteousness and true [marriage & family,] .

Father, I am powerless against these spiritual forces and recognize my utter dependence on You and Your power. Look with mercy upon me and upon [spouse's name] .

Do not look upon our sins, O Lord; rather, look at the sufferings of your Beloved Son and see the Victim who's bitter passion and death has reconciled us to You. By the victory of the cross, protect us from all evil and rebuke any evil spirits who are attacking or influencing us in any way. Send them back to Hell and place a wall of protection around this [ marriage & family] . Send your Holy Angels to watch over us and protect us.

Father, all of these things I ask in the most holy name of Jesus Christ, Your Son. Thank you, Father, for hearing my prayer. I love You, I worship You, I thank You and I trust in You. Amen.

Hang in there, I know it is hard. Fight for him to come back. Don't let satan destroy another marriage.

 

[brokenwife]

Thank you for that encouragement and prayer danschance- greatly appreciated.

 

[waterlily]

The Lord is merciful and kind to those who truly seek him. He has promised if you seek Him you will find Him. You have no control over what your husband does, but you have control over what you do. Now is the time to take the Lords hand and know that in the darkness His light will shine the brightest and in this weakness His strength is made perfect. I have no idea what the answer to your trail is but I do know with all my heart who holds the answer. Jesus, is the only thing you need to focus on right now, he has ordained every moment of every day for you and he has promised to comfort you and love you through it all. Take time to seek wisdom from those you trust in Jesus. Remember the Lords yoke is easy and his burden is light. God wants you to know that even though your earthly husband has abandoned you.. your heavenly Saviour and Lover of your soul will never ever be unfaithful to you.

In His Love

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Your husband broke the marriage covenant when he committed adultery. Jesus offered a general prohibition of divorce in a graphic, hyperbolic saying that portrayed all divorce as invalid and remarriage as adulterous (Mk 10:11; Lk 16:18); however, given the context of Jesus’ Jewish teaching style: Matthew and Paul are undoubtedly correct to allow exceptions for the innocent party whose marriage is broken against his or her will (for infidelity and abandonment, respectively—Mt 5:32; 19:9; 1 Cor 7:15; see Stein; Keener 1991) as has occurred in your case.

Jesus saw the ideal for marriage as two people, a man and a woman, being yoked together in a union so permanent and inviolable that only God has the right to dissolve it. Hence he deplored divorce and forbade remarriage. And yet one should be careful not to treat these words of Jesus as unyielding, iron-clad, legal prescriptions that permit no exceptions ever.

For already within the Gospel record this high standard was modified when the ideal was applied to real-life situations where all the characteristic human frailties, even of Christians, came to light (Mt 19:9; cf. Mt 5:32).

In the context of rising sexual asceticism and strict legal applications of Jesus’ teachings in the increasingly Gentile second-century church, Jesus’ Jewish teachings were pressed to produce a harsher ethic than Jesus intended, one that restricted the victim as well as the perpetrator of a unilateral dissolution rather than simply upheld the sanctity of marriage.

Paul never needs to address the dissolution of second or third marriages in his congregations in a divorce-ridden society which indicates that the earliest Christians regarded repentance as a sufficient response to past errors, without regarding the divorcing partner as still literally married to the first spouse.

Your husband has committed and is living in adultery with another woman having abandoned you and is divorcing you. You're free to grant the divorce and remarry. Make a better choice next time.

Thanks again for everyone's input and prayers. I am not interested in forcing him to stay in this marriage- that's impossible. The divorce will happen either way. I am just trying to figure out what the best way is for me to honor my covenant to him and The Lord in this crappy situation not because I feel like it's Gods will but because I know that God hates divorce and does not will for marriages to end in adultery and divorce.

 

[Jruiz]

Did he have an affair with this other woman? They had to been talking about this prior to him leaving you ...? Yes he had a kid with her but your his wife... And why is she so quick to let him move back in?? To leave his wife and to move back in with his ex because he had a kid with her sounds silly...don't sign the papers .. Out god first! And ask him what to do.. Start praying and meditating on scriptures.. He will answer you..

 

[11Eleven-Bravo]

In my limited experience and wisdom I am going to try to offer some sound advice.

Sometimes there kinds of situations aren't quite so black & white, our personal relationship with God is something that no one else can better understand than God himself. The connection we have with the Lord is something unique to each and every child of God... therefor with that being said it is impossible to understand fully how God may be working in someone else, although signs can be given and evidence of the Lord's work is all around us.

With that being said I feel as if though some of the comments above me are not taking these factors into consideration. Some of you are so quick and harsh to judge in this situation, it's as if though there is a belief amongst you that having an understanding of scripture empowers you to be the judge of the condition of this mans soul. But nowhere is it written that we are the ones to determine who is truly a Christian and who is not, that is a decision for God to make, and in his own time he shall.

My mother and my fathers marriage ended in a very bitter way, but in the midst of all the hurt and the pain, the sky opened and I had a moment of clarity; the best thing that could have happened in my mother and fathers situation was for their marriage to end, after considering the point it had reached. It was beyond repair, for reasons I will not state. So in your situation brokenwife, I would keep a few things in mind. Is it worth maintaining the marriage if one person is in, but the other is not? And what of the constant suspicion that no doubt would be in your mind, and in his. What of all the doubts? Let's not forget he had his son out of wedlock, a very serious offense also in the eyes of God. In his own way I think it may be possible that he is trying to fix that damage. Whether or not he is going about it the right way, is not for me to say.

But this much I do know, and that is, God WILL have what HE wants in the end regardless of what happens here and now. The Lord's will SHALL be done, and there is nothing that anyone can do about that. So I would say this could very well be part of something that is far beyond the limits of our understanding; in our capacity we have no way of seeing any GOOD that can come of something so horrible like this. Divorce is a horrible thing, I'm not advocating it by any means.

All I'm saying is, do not doubt the Lord's majesty, because in the end it is all in has hands.

And for those of you without any personal involvement in the matter, would be wise to keep your voice down. The Lord certainly wouldn't smile upon us for saying another man is not a Christian, especially considering that this man is not here to represent himself.

Maybe some of you will see this as me playing devils advocate, but if anything that was just my .02$. In any case brokenwife, I hope for the best outcome possible and I will pray for you. My message in the shortest terms possible is this: God works in his own time and in his own way, and we must trust in his infinite wisdom and bear true faith at all times.

 

[Elizabeth78]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Ask your husband to give you 1 month, then after that time, tell him you will sign the papers. In this time don't contact him. You need to pray and seek out your church. I'm praying for you. God bless you.

 

[Victoria72]

Many people that responded to your concern have their own opinions on what you should do. The real question is what is your heart telling you. The Holy Spirit, if we are born again, lives in each and everyone of us so we should listen to that voice first. I was previously married and divorced my husband for a plethora of reasons. He cheated on me repeatedly and gave me 3 STD's, one of them was incurable. I gave him my virginity as a wife and he gives me STD's. I still remained married to him for 2 more years but ultimately decided to divorce him. What the people that responded to you won't tell you is that if you do divorce him and decide to remarry, you won't get well received support from many churches because you divorced and decided to remarry. It hurts because the 2 greatest commandments are to love God and love each other but some churches themselves will take it upon themselves to call you an adulterous if you decide to remarry in the future "because Jesus said it". Consider all of this information because it will haunt you in the future. Also consider that Jesus is God and even though He may have said that if you divorce, you are committing adultery, His love for you is bigger than the love that anyone in this chat or on the earth can show you. Did I remarry? Yes. People don't know what it is like to walk in my shoes and I learned that even though this is a Christian chat, people are very judgmental, especially Christians. I asked to have my profile deleted from the site administrator but am still waiting for that to be done. Maybe God wanted me to share this with you before my profile is deleted. Whatever you do, listen to your heart first because you are a temple for the Holy Spirit that dwells inside of you and Holy Spirit won't misguide you. You really have to listen to that voice though and not confuse it with your own conscious. God bless you. You will be in my prayers and I sincerely mean that.

 

[Agricola]

Thanks again for everyone's input and prayers. I am not interested in forcing him to stay in this marriage- that's impossible. The divorce will happen either way. I am just trying to figure out what the best way is for me to honor my covenant to him and The Lord in this crappy situation not because I feel like it's Gods will but because I know that God hates divorce and does not will for marriages to end in adultery and divorce.

Just do it with dignity and respect, that is how God wants you to act. You do not have to honour your so called husband with anything, its broken, its over. Just do it, you owe him nothing now.

 

[Jeshuvan]

Hi,My name is Jeshuvan.I read your story.this battle is not against your husband,its against satan.Also what seems so difficult to fix 4 us,is very easy 4 God.B.ut it has 2 be done his way,with his will,by his Word=the Bible.Start praying and binding this attack,any situation that comes our way,there is a solution and its in Gods Word.Look not at the situation,but look 2 God,dont give up,there is always hope in God,just have faith.I hope 2 meet u in the rooms 2 share more,im better at speaking than typing.GBU

 

[Misty77]

Many people that responded to your concern have their own opinions on what you should do. The real question is what is your heart telling you. The Holy Spirit, if we are born again, lives in each and everyone of us so we should listen to that voice first. I was previously married and divorced my husband for a plethora of reasons. He cheated on me repeatedly and gave me 3 STD's, one of them was incurable. I gave him my virginity as a wife and he gives me STD's. I still remained married to him for 2 more years but ultimately decided to divorce him. What the people that responded to you won't tell you is that if you do divorce him and decide to remarry, you won't get well received support from many churches because you divorced and decided to remarry. It hurts because the 2 greatest commandments are to love God and love each other but some churches themselves will take it upon themselves to call you an adulterous if you decide to remarry in the future "because Jesus said it". Consider all of this information because it will haunt you in the future. Also consider that Jesus is God and even though He may have said that if you divorce, you are committing adultery, His love for you is bigger than the love that anyone in this chat or on the earth can show you. Did I remarry? Yes. People don't know what it is like to walk in my shoes and I learned that even though this is a Christian chat, people are very judgmental, especially Christians. I asked to have my profile deleted from the site administrator but am still waiting for that to be done. Maybe God wanted me to share this with you before my profile is deleted. Whatever you do, listen to your heart first because you are a temple for the Holy Spirit that dwells inside of you and Holy Spirit won't misguide you. You really have to listen to that voice though and not confuse it with your own conscious. God bless you. You will be in my prayers and I sincerely mean that.

That is exactly why I no longer attend a Baptist church, or any others that accept traditional understanding of scripture over constantly searching the scripture to see what is truth. As a divorcee myself, there are those who are quick to judge; but they are quickly cut out of my life. The community I am in now values me as a daughter of God more than the ring that used to be on my finger. I'm sorry that you, too, have been chosen for what I think is the least understood and most condemned path by those who call themselves believers.

 

[homwardbound]

Hi all- I would really appreciate some sound, faith filled advice on what to do in my current situation.
I will try to make this as short as possible.
My husband and I have been together since we were in high school. When I went away to college we went our separate ways and he wound up getting a girlfriend pregnant- from there they got engaged and moved in together. They broke up before she had the baby, he decided to join the Army, and about a year later we ran off and got married. It was a crazy time in our lives, but one of the happiest. He managed to see his son every week and is an amazing father. We even moved back home to be near to him and finish school. Everything was going great. I was saved during this time and we got very involved in church- members of a small group, various ministries, and a marriage mentoring program. My husband had grown up Christian but never really seemed interested until this time. We even had a "real" wedding this past June to celebrate what God had done in our marriage and to share our love and our vows in front of our families and my husband's son. I always knew my husband had struggled with guilt of his decision to not be with his son's mother and marry me instead and yes I knew he probably should have stayed with her- but after we were married I knew it was God's will we were to stay married so I thought thats what we were both fighting for. About 3 months ago- my husband came to me and told me he just couldn't do it- he couldn't accept he would never have a "family" unit with his son, he didn't want to have children with me because then his kids would have different moms and he hated that idea, he hated being away from his son and he just couldn't honor our marriage any longer. I was crushed. The next day while I was gone, he packed up and left. Since then, he has been living with his son and his son's mom, trying to make that relationship work (adultery). While I understand his feelings of guilt- biblically I am his wife- after God, his loyalty is to me then to his son. I loved my step son as if he were my own- I supported their relationship in every way I could. That was never an issue. My husband just does not care to trust God's wisdom and judgement.
He is now pressuring me to sign papers for a divorce- by me signing these papers the divorce will be final within weeks and he can continue on with his other relationship without feeling guilty and with little money spent. If i don't sign (which I told him from day one I would not sign anything)- the process will take at least a year and be thousands of dollars. He is practically begging me to avoid that. So I am torn- I love this man, I never wanted to be without him or my step son. I do not think divorce should be an easy process and honestly I just don't believe in it so I do not want to participate at all. But I don't know that I want to create such a huge mess by forcing it to go into litigation, just to have the same end result. At the same time, time could be used in my favor and my husband will be forced to face what he is doing instead of rushing in and out of decisions like he has always done. My heart is broken and I would so much appreciate some insight. This is my worst nightmare, all I ever wanted was a loving, God fearing family and to find myself in this situation is truly terrifying.

Sorry fro you to be going through this situation.
please understand this if one truly loves someone, what is the best they can do for them?
Is it let them go and show them you love them and are not selfish?
Is this not what God did fro us all via through his Son and is waiting for us to change our minds to trust God above all?
So is this not the same for everyone else to let them go and make up their own mind
If you do love him, you will let him go, if not ask yourself are you being selfish as to what you want, as you think what you want is best, when many times it is not
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son for those that believe God will not perish, and this was not done by force to anyone
So let him go and just trust God in it as to trust no matter what way it turns out, Praying you can do this to let go and let God, being content no mater what way it turns out.
I tell you a truth "it is what it is" whether you like it or not. And until you accept this "it is what it is" you won't begin to heal, but stay trapped in the emotional trauma that you are in right now
Praying this helps you to see through the emotional trauma you are placed in

Change your thoughts over this and Emotional feelings change right along with the thoughts that are dominating
I never yet have found anyone that can change their feelings, and for me every time I tried to, my feelings just got worse. But when I learned to accept what is, healing began, thoughts changed and therefore feelings changed with thought(s)
Hope for you to see truth over error of emotions doing the controlling

 

[Jette]

Brokenwife,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. There are a lot of opinions and ideas thrown out here, but my advice is to seek God first and foremost before doing anything. Advice is good, but if it is not Godly then you run the risk of going against God's plan for your life. I am in a similar situation (only facing divorce, I have a child there is not another woman), but I am standing for my marriage and instead of believing what the world says about divorce and marriage, I believe God...I know what the bible says about it and things are changing for me. Our situations are not the same, but I would encourage to seek God for how you should proceed with everything. There are some resources that I would love to share with you if you're interested. Please let me know and I'll be praying for your situation. God bless.

 

[Victoria72]

That is exactly why I no longer attend a Baptist church, or any others that accept traditional understanding of scripture over constantly searching the scripture to see what is truth. As a divorcee myself, there are those who are quick to judge; but they are quickly cut out of my life. The community I am in now values me as a daughter of God more than the ring that used to be on my finger. I'm sorry that you, too, have been chosen for what I think is the least understood and most condemned path by those who call themselves believers.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, Misty77. I'm glad to know that you are almost 10 years younger than me and already learned a lesson I should have learned when I was divorced 12 years ago.

There is something at the bottom of your comment that reads: Tintin: "Jesus said Christians will be hated because they are his followers, not because they don't use their brains." I don't know if you put that there or if another member put that there but that quote is partially true. It should read: Matthew 10:22....."And you will be hated by all for My name's sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved". If it is not stated as written, it can be misconstrued. I'm assuming someone else wrote that because "not because they don't use their brains" part sounds sarcastic and it demonstrates what the Scribes did years ago.....added information that shouldn't have been inserted.

 

[Misty77]

Thank you for your words of encouragement, Misty77. I'm glad to know that you are almost 10 years younger than me and already learned a lesson I should have learned when I was divorced 12 years ago.

There is something at the bottom of your comment that reads: Tintin: "Jesus said Christians will be hated because they are his followers, not because they don't use their brains." I don't know if you put that there or if another member put that there but that quote is partially true. It should read: Matthew 10:22....."And you will be hated by all for My name's sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved". If it is not stated as written, it can be misconstrued. I'm assuming someone else wrote that because "not because they don't use their brains" part sounds sarcastic and it demonstrates what the Scribes did years ago.....added information that shouldn't have been inserted.

I'm sorry for the confusing statement. The second clause is not intended to be part of the paraphrase of Jesus' words. Perhaps I should amend it to read:
Tintin: "Jesus said 'Christians will be hated because they are his followers,' not because they don't use their brains."?

I found it to be a pity statement about when Christians say things that are wrong and crazy. They claim persecution when they really just need to think through their theology more accurately.

 

[Oak]

Get rid of him while you can. He is no good! If he saw himself married to you he would not lust after another no matter the case. IMO he may come back to you even after you have both signed and he will claim he has made a mistake blah blah blah. Get rid of him while you can. I know it may not be the best in the eyes of God but God isn't married to him, you are.

 

[brokenwife]

That is where my struggle lies because it is my goal as a Christian to pursue what is good and right in God's eyes as well as it is in my best interest to try and discern his will and follow it.

 

[Oak]

Why would you want to be with someone that does not want to be with you? He cast you aside as if you were nothing. You cannot change him. Marriage is a very serious commitment one that is always taken too lightly. We all have our ups and downs but having him leave you for another woman is unacceptable and God will understand. You do what your heart wants not what anyone or anything else wants.

 

[brokenwife]

Just an update and request of prayers:

After meeting with my husband and having him tell me that he is firm on his decision to be with his son's mother and divorce me- no matter what the Lord or the Word may say, I told him I would sign the divorce papers (making his life a lot easier). He is not effected at all by me emotionally and told me that he is happy with what he is doing and he will be doing it for the rest of his life. I am honestly crushed. I prayed for restoration and all I got was my husband telling me how much he loves someone else. I know this is what I have to do- to let him go and live the life he choses but I am having such trouble with it. I went from having such a full life of love and family to one of emptiness and loneliness. My whole life- my husband, my family, the love I was supposed to be given as a wife, is now being given to someone else and I just can't help but question and be angry with God's goodness. How could this ever be good? If God loves me so much why would he allow me to suffer so horribly when all I ever did was love and care for people as He calls us to do. I just ask for prayer during this time- I really would just like to stop life here and go straight to heaven because this pain is unbearable.
Thanks for listening.