troubled teen of a Christian family

This is Sara's mom, Sue. Yesterday we were encouraged when we left for church. Sara stated that she wanted to join the youth group and following church she said she had enjoyed being there this time and had seen some friends she doesn't see at school. We went for lunch and following that Sara said she needed to talk to me. Apparently, she had decided to tell me she had tried pot a few times because a mother (who is a friend of mine) told Sara she would tell me if Sara didn't. It was a hard thing to hear because her father and I never had any idea. She stated she hadn't used much and it only made her feel silly. She also said the last time she had done it was at the home of the girl she had left with last Friday after school and didn't let us know where she was for several hours. This has been very disconcerting because now we do not know who to let her be with or where she can go. We are going to one of our son's traveling soccer team games this weekend and it will require our being gone overnight. We had arranged for Sara to stay at another friend's house but have been told this is a girl who can get pot, too. Sara knows she can't stay there but would like to go to a second friend's whose parents we do trust. Do we let her do that? Of course, my mother and father would let her stay with them. They (gma67) are aware of all this. Making Sara go to the soccer games would only make her a sullen presence there. She says she won't do this again but my trust has been shaken. Thanks for your thoughts.

BELIEVE in her. Don't assume the worst. Assume the best! Children become what they are told they are and what others believe about them. If they're told they're untrustworthy and treated as though they are then they will become untrustworthy. If they're told they're bad they'll become bad. They end up believing it. But you have to believe in her with all your heart and soul or your actions will unwittingly reveal your true feelings. Pray for faith.

Youve already gotten a ton of great advice so I dont have a whole lot to add. Just remember to do everything in love. Thats what the Lord would do and don't underestimate the power of prayer. Even when she strays down the wrong path, always love her and always pray never ceasing. Even if she takes the wrong path in life it could be awhile before she comes around and all you can do is be patient and pray. It sounds like your a great and caring family, Ill be praying for you.

I have a 17 year old daughter, and we have been through a lot of different things with her during her teenage years. I really hate to be the one to say this, but have you ever considered that something may have happened to you daughter that she is not willing to tell you about? I do not know how her attitude was before, but if there has been a drastic change you may want to consider it. My daughter pulled away from us and became very rebellious after she was raped. She did not tell us and we did not know for almost 2 years. Her attitude became absolutly horrible, she would lie and do things just to upset us, or so it seemed. She did try drugs but we found out and she feared to ever do that again. Do NOT allow her to stay out of church. You can not make a person come to Jesus, but if she is there she is still able to hear the word. It is not going to make her more rebellious. It is normal for teens to act out against their parents, but as parents you can not allow a child to break the rules and have no consequences. It sounds like you are doing a great job of trying to help her and to be there for her, and at this point that is all you can do. Pray, pray, pray!!!!! Pray that God will reveal to you a way to help her. He WILL. I know it is very hard and it will probably get harder, but do not give up. You have God on your side and though the road may be hard, you and she will make it through this. I will be praying for you.

Thank you so much for your prayers. It has been helping to have you share with us your thoughts and advice on how to guide Sara through her teenage years. When she is openly defiant, rude or inconsiderate, we "count to ten" as we pray and exercise control of our response or temptation to raise our voices to reprimand her and speak softly instead. Believe me, it is not easy, but we are handling it better. When I say "we," her parents and I are the family adults who are with her especially Monday through Friday. I may only pick her up from school or practice twice a week with her mother doing it most times. The weekend usually finds Sara with an acceptable behavior. She will not clean her room, however, and asks her mom to take her to the mall because she is out of clothes (which her mother does not do). She puts her underwear in the laundry room but the other things are on the floor everywhere. Sue used to insist she clean her room and it was a battle. Now the door stays closed and Sara complains she has to wear clothes she has already worn. Sue has told her if Sara takes them to the laundry room they will get washed, but Sara stays stalwart about not cleaning the room. We have been told not to do battle with her in regards to the room but how do the rest of you feel about that? It may sound like a trivial thing but it has gone on for quite some time. Is that considered minor compared to the other choices she has made? In the past we have tried the angle of "helping" her clean the room (she does very little) and within a matter of days it is back in shambles.
We have all our faith in the Lord and your encouragement really helps.

Am sorry about what's happening to ur granddaughter Keep praying for her. Also make sure that u always remind her that you love her no matter what sometimes all a teen needs to know is that she is loved and accepted, not because she gets high grades or she is good in sports, but she is loved for who she is even though she makes some wrong decisions at times.

Dear friend in Christ,
I too am a single mom that am going through the terible teen years with two kids both of whom are in Chistian Schools. I somehow thought that was my ticket to perfect kids? Go Figure? One is 14 and the other 17. I have had the police involved and the youth pastor who has really beed a BIG HELP to us. Its sooooooooooooooooo hard. I to tried taking away laptops, cell phones cancelled, but it seems the more I punish them the more they punish me back. This is a hard place to be and I so feel for you. There are a couple of books that have really helped me and because you live in the States you have one up on me cause there is a line to contact for this place that can support you through this... The book is called "When my teen is struggling", and the ministry is in the US and the other book thats helping me personally as I go through this is "Battle of the mind" by Joyce Meyer thats for your own sanity and understanding and the answer to the qustion we often ask ourselves, WHY ME? . I highly recommend these two books to you. Look things aren't going to change overnight... but God is with us and if he is for us who then can be against us? No one! and Satan knows that! Read these books they are a start... then talk to your Youth Pastor and call the number in the 1st book I recommended they will call you back to help in anyway they can... They are trained in difficult teens headed for disaster. I will be praying for us both. Good Luck and God Bless you all in these difficult days we live in.

Ok people of God,
I would like to know why it is that Christians go to church, as humans that fall short of the Glory of God, we fall short and mess up, but then we turn off new Christians because as supposedly Mature Christians we can't forgive one anotherthe way we should. Thus the new babes in Christ feel let down and leave the church! Do we realize the impact we can have? The responsibility entrusted to us to act better and with more accountability? If I left everytime a Mature Christian let me down and turned away from me I would have left a long time ago, but unlike many I realize I go to church for God and NOT for the humans that try and represent him in sometimes the weakest of ways. What do you think the real issue is here and how can we fix this problem, fewer people are choosing to believe in God, but more are choosing to have a higher faith in Hope? I'm confused for thr confused!!!

Originally Posted by IChThUS

I must disagree (at the moment) with Merryheart's response. I am sure she would be an excelent support to Sara, but as Lifetime says may look upon it as betrayal.

The mistake of identifying her has been made. - I know her name, I know the names of her mum and dad, I know where she lives, I know how old she is. I know who she is! There is the possibility that one (or more) of her personal friends or even she herself is already a member here and they (she) is reading this already. I put myself into her shoes, (being a teenage girl from another continetnt is not easy, but) I would be very embarrased that everyone (the www. is everyone) knows my private affairs.

I now step back into my own. I am a miserable old cur, but teenagers today (certainly in the UK) have far too much (as a right!?) Ipods (what is an Ipod?) Mobile phones (what is the need of those anyway?) and other musthaves. They have them provided for them, I would suggest they have to save up and buy them out of their pocket money and also the maintenance of them thereafter. ( I remember when I wanted the modern stuff such as a fountain pen and the subsequent ink, it is what I had to do - as a result I appreciated them). But haveing been given them, I see no particular advantage in them being withdrawn.

I am sure that giving trust, in spite of the current advrsity, would be the best solution. She is rebelious (I was a bit. wern't you?) but so long as she is not crossing the line committing offences she is OK. We can mould the clay from which she is made to a certain extent, but she must decorate herself into the finished model. You have given her the patern in the person of Christ, let her CHOOSE to follow it.

Wow...I found your response most refreshing and I think it even gives me as a single mom with a teen alot to think about... she is clay... I still can mould her and allow God to hold my hands as I do... Thanks

Originally Posted by maximumrideaddict

I think that, as long as Sara can be trusted, she should be aloud to be with her friends after school for a while. As for her electronics, give her a proposition. If her grades improve- and stay improved- she can have them back. If she doesn't complain about going to Church. Things like that.
I can sort of understand where she is coming from, since I am also a teen. In my opinion, things would just get worse if she were denied too much or wasn't shown she was trusted. She would probably resent her parents more, and also Christ, ultimately.
I personally haven't gone through- nor do I plan to go through- the whole "rebellious" stage. My siblings and some friends are going through it right now, though, so I know some of Sara is feeling. One of the most important things to do it to trust her. Let her know that you believe she will make wise decisions. Let her find out that she's on the right path on her own. Unless she starts doing drugs and things like that, give her her freedoms. And make sure any punishments are fair and constant.
I hope this helps somewhat!

I agree... with much of what you have to say... and I think it's been my problem to with my 17 year old teen ...letting go and letting God. Trust, allowing them to step out of our shadows, will they make mistakes?, ofcourse! Didn't we? Don't we still? IF they are NOT doing drugs, sleeping around, drinking...,. all the really heavy stuff, maybe its time we 'trust' and 'compromise'! Its hard I am reading Joyce Meyer "Battlefield Of The Mind" right now and she talks about how we have the choice to take negative thoughts and make them positive.... most of the time we are the one making things worse than they have to be. Letting go is hard... harder than I EVER imagined it would be, but you have to at some point slowly! This is a tough world we live in and our kids have grown up in it, but God is tougher! So if we trust him truly, then Satan can go back to Hell where he belongs. Our kids will be fine because we have put them on the right path and God will NEVER leave them or Forsake them! We as parents must show them we TRUST GOD first! I think the rest will fall into place. God Bless.

[Chopsui101]

Sorry, if this sounds mean, but I don't like when parents try to stifle their kids, and I have no sympathy for them. Because my parents did it to me and it really pissed me off.

But if she isn't into drugs, sex, or alcohol what are you concerned about honestly. Harassing her constantly isn't a way to bring her back to Christianity. In fact some people aren't built to be Christians and need to go off and make some mistakes on their own.

My parents tried that when I was young and when I was 18 I left and have seen them 3 times in 4 years for a combined time of less than a 1 month. So I don't think that brow beat you kid with a Bible and telling them what a horrible person just because they don't believe in what you do is the right thing. Especially at that age, if the person doesn't drink or do drugs they probably think they are a good person, and they probably are.

Originally Posted by Chopsui101

Sorry, if this sounds mean, but I don't like when parents try to stifle their kids, and I have no sympathy for them. Because my parents did it to me and it really pissed me off.

But if she isn't into drugs, sex, or alcohol what are you concerned about honestly. Harassing her constantly isn't a way to bring her back to Christianity. In fact some people aren't built to be Christians and need to go off and make some mistakes on their own.

My parents tried that when I was young and when I was 18 I left and have seen them 3 times in 4 years for a combined time of less than a 1 month. So I don't think that brow beat you kid with a Bible and telling them what a horrible person just because they don't believe in what you do is the right thing. Especially at that age, if the person doesn't drink or do drugs they probably think they are a good person, and they probably are.

That's not the fault of the parents. It's the sinfulness of the kid. They reject Christ and reject the God given authority of the parents. There are no such things as good persons, only sinful people who need Christ.

stop shoving jesus down her throat and allow her to make her own decisions in regard to her faith.

sounds like she's using logic to be honest.

Honestly family counseling would probably be your best option, simply because although I'm sure you feel you've given enough details I am sure there is more and I don't think anyone on here could give appropriate advice without knowing everything. I would look in your local area for good family counseling.

Grma 67,
I have a sister who is your grandaugther's very age and acts just the same way.Here is what we did:
my parents took the phone,tv,internet,every thing that could be a distraction to her spiritual walk away.it worked for quite some time.but she found a way to get around the "Read your bible" rule.she got kicked out of schools because her atittude and behavior was growing worse within each day.My parents took her to our pastor for some counseling.that worked too.but then she started getting worse.So what I did was pray for my sister for a whole hour laying my hand on her bed as if she were there.I knew my sister was having a problem that no one can help her with.Only GOD can help her.So i wrote her a letter,even though she lives with us.I wrote her a letter,knowing she wouldnt tell me anything in person.She read the letter and i heard her cry here and there as she read it,thinking i wasn't able of hearing her.The next day when she was along in our room,i shut the door and asked if i could pray WITH her and for her.She said yes,she now KNEW and FELT that some one was there loving her other than GOD.to make the VERY long story short,she is doing much better now.We fasted and prayed for her.To me,it sounds as if your grandaughter may feel insecure.try asking her about it but not very directly.ask GOD to make her open up on what the root of the problem is when the time is right.many prayers to your family!=]GOD bless!

Sounds like the devil has placed a trap in her path and you need to find out who it is and remove them (or get them saved).

Maybe she's just confused. Some teens are like that. All the teen needs is understanding. You shouldn't use any shameful punishments. Some parents are too keen on keeping their children from repeating the same mistake that they shame them as they carry out punishment. In most instances, this does more harm than good, especially on the relationship parents have with their children. It's better to cultivate your son's love and respect for you as parents and to not inflict more pain than is necessary while disciplining your troubled teen.

I would say abandon the concept of "teen". Treat her like an adult. Hold her accountable to her decisions just as she would be held accountable. Understand that you can't force a faith on someone but make darn sure she understands that as an adult her actions define her. The rebellious nature comes from people who should be acting as adults trying to cling to their youth.

[trust_in_the_name]

Originally Posted by gma67

We love our Sara deeply and try to understand her actions or at least give her a chance to tell us what she is thinking. She undermines or sabotages herself many times and from what we are hearing from your advice, we should let her do that and face the consequences. For example, she has always been an A, B student but now that she is in the middle of her freshman year, she decided her first period class was taught by a "stupid woman who has zeroed in on me to pick on and I am not going to do the homework." She didn't and received a D, barely passing. Her mother had two conferences with the teacher and the head of counseling at the school. At each meeting, Sara was obstinate, flippant in her remarks and resented the meeting calling it "dumb" because the class (Critical Thinking) was absolutely useless.

That's funny, in a way. Think about it this way. She said the critical thinking class is absolutely useless. This can mean one of three things.

1. Critical thinking itself is useless.
2. The class itself is useless, even though critical thinking itself is not.
3. Both critical thinking and the class are useless.

Is critical thinking itself actually useless? That's a stupid question, and if she's saying that critical thinking is useless, she's wrong and you simply need to correct her.

How do we know this? How do we know critical thinking is not useless? Well, let's use some critical thinking to find out. (That's a hint right there.)

First, what is critical thinking? Well, it's thinking, obviously, but not all kinds of thinking are critical thinking, and not all forms of thinking that are not critical thinking are useless. But, nonetheless, critical thinking is the most important form of thinking available to us, in practical terms. What, then, is critical thinking?

Thinking critically involves the mental application of logic and common sense. It is thinking in a rational, reasonable, effective, and practical way. It's a way of thinking that enables us to reach answers and conclusions that are accurate and attain results that are effective.

Is that useless? Of course not. Without the ability to think critically, we wouldn't be able to solve problems of any kind, we wouldn't be able to make progress, accomplish goals, get things done; we wouldn't get anywhere in life. Essentially, we'd be no different than animals, and, like animals, we'd live simple, boring lives. What do cows do? They stand around all day and eat grass. Why? They lack the ability to think critically. Is that she wants to do with her life? Stand around all day, so to speak, and do nothing? Surely not.

Now, here's the funny part. Since we've just shown that critical thinking is a vital, essential part of life, and we know that she says critical thinking is useless, we can deduce that she lacks the ability to think critically, and has defeated her own argument! How can she say that critical thinking is useless without thinking critically about the matter in order to reach that conclusion? It's self-defeating.

Of course, that doesn't address the issue of whether critical thinking is actually taught in the class. If that is the problem then it may be a valid complaint. And it certainly wouldn't surprise me. The fact is, most high school teachers are really terrible are their jobs, and their classes really are useless. Most students in the US come out of high school having learned absolutely nothing. I'm not just bad-mouthing high school teachers here. I say all these things from experience. Sure, there are good high school teachers here and there. I'm friends with one. But they are the exception, not the rule.

Also, she may feel that the level of instruction in the class is too rudimentary, and this may also be a completely valid complaint. Since critical thinking is basically just the application of common sense, she may feel she has common sense and already knows how to think critically, at least in terms of what is being taught in class. Some people are naturally intelligent enough to be able to think critically without having to be taught the basics of common sense. This would depend on the class itself. It's certainly possible to teach effective methods of critical thinking that go beyond the basics and provide real skills.

So, either of these things might be the case, or they might not. But ultimately this whole thing is missing the point. We can't change the fact that high schools are often just a huge waste of time. That's just the way it is. Ok, maybe the class is useless. So what? It's time to grow up! When she applies to college, they are not going to care about how "useless" a class may or may not be. They are going to care about GPA.

college interviewer: "I see you have a D in critical thinking."

student: "Yeah, but that class was totally useless, and the teacher was stupid and singled me out."

interviewer: "Ahhh, I see. Well, that's a very realistic attitude, and I sympathize with you completely. We'd love to have you here at our school."

Yeah right! So, her thinking is backwards here, although perhaps understandably so. High school isn't about learning useful things. It's about getting good grades so you can get into college so you can get the job you want so you won't have to work at McDonald's your whole life. (Nothing against people who work at McDonald's, but who really wants that career?)

Life is not perfect. Ideally high schools should be structured around learning, but that's not the reality. And it doesn't change the facts of life, which is that you need a good GPA for college. This outlook that resulted in a D is totally unacceptable. That D is going to sit there on her transcript like a sore thumb, and if she keeps it up, she's only going to get more and more of them, and then where will she be when it's time to graduate? (Hint: McDonald's.)

Time to grow up. Time to join the real world. Just because you don't like your teacher (or your boss, or your whatever) does not mean you can stick your head in the dirt and hope it all goes away. It won't. It will only get worse.

With only a little bit of effort, straight A's in high school is a piece of cake, and there's no excuse for bad grades. Preschool is over. Every grade goes down on the transcript for submission to colleges.

(The good news: freshman year is often excluded from GPA calculations.)

Originally Posted by gma67

We are understanding from you that it would be best to let her slip this way and not make a big deal about her choice. If so, then we just need to accept it.

No! For the reasons just mentioned. You can't go back in time. A grade is a grade, it's permanent.

[trust_in_the_name]

Originally Posted by gma67

She makes poor choices, believes she is never wrong and that she should be allowed to do as she pleases.

This is the fundamental mode of thought for a teenager. The best thiing you can do is to explain why her choices are poor. What are the consequences of poor choices?

Teenage perspective / thought process in italics. Reality in bold.

Alcohol is fun. It makes me feel good, and it makes me have fun with my friends. Alcohol also kills your body. It harms your liver and other organs, kills brain cells, contributes to cancer and heart disease, to name just a few of its many harmful effects on the body.I don't have to worry about that. I'm young. My body can take it. This is a common misconception but it is WRONG. Youth does NOT grant your body some kind of special protection. Every harmful effect of alcohol will have just as much of an effect now as it will at any time. In fact it's simply going to cause you to age more quickly. It's not just a matter of living a few extra years when you are old. Being in poor health results in lower quality of life in the here and now. Alcohol also impairs judgment, and when you drink and drive you can end up killing yourself and others.

Weed isn't a drug. It's a plant. God put it on this earth for us to enjoy. I want to have fun. Pot has harmful effects on the body, just like alcohol. It's extremely harmful to your lungs, which will affect your ability to participate in sports and other physical activities. It also causes lung cancer, contributes to cancer and heart disease in general, among other ill effects. It's especially harmful during the developmental years because it screws up hormonal development and can have permanent effects on your mental development.

Of course we could go on like this, talking about sex (STD's, teenage pregnancy), grades, or whatever. The point is, the consequences have to be understood. Often the teen way of thinking is "I can be good later." But, the consequences won't wait for later. Life is in progress. Reality is already here. Time to grow up.

Originally Posted by gma67

She does not at this point do drugs or alcohol, no boyfriend (sex) but things seem to be escalating in ways that we fear may lead her in that direction. Her grades have slipped at school but not enough to have kept her off the volleyball and basketball JV team.

As I pointed out earlier, the volleyball and basketball teams are the least of her worries when it comes to grades.

Originally Posted by gma67

We are a Christian family. We all (14 of us) attend church weekly. She says she does not want to go to youth any more and that she feels the bible is just a collection of stories that are well written. She enjoys making comments of that nature for the surprise element but perhaps believes it more than we are wanting to admit.

So what? It's obvious there are bigger problems here than her opinions on theology or the Bible. Faith is a personal matter, not something that should be forced on someone. The best way to point her to faith is to set a good example.