WARNING... ADULT TOPIC: Marraige, Affairs and Sex... and the lack thereof.

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
E

emptymailbag

Guest
#1
Please forgive the overly "adult" topic... but I truly need some perspective from the female audience.

As many of you have read, I recently found out that my wife had an extended affair with a man she met through her work. The affair lasted at least a year, although she says that the "intimate" relationship didn't really take place until the last few months of that affair... which is something I found out to not be entirely true with the emails that I came across. Still, during the affair, I know that she was reading quite a few "adult" novels on her Kindle... hiding it and deleting her reading history. Books like Fifty Shades of Grey and others that were MUCH more adult-like, ones that SHE would have called pornographic if I were the one to have read them, but for her, they were just reading material for her to fall asleep to.

We had sex during her affair, sometimes quite frequently, but generally nothing out of the normal. When I found out about the affair things fell apart rather quickly around the house, which is what is to be expected... but there were a few days immediately following the affair being brought to light where I thought I was going to be attacked sexually, she was like an animal a few times. Now, please... DO NOT think for a moment that I minded that... it was FANTASTIC... but it suddenly stopped. A month goes by and she had not hinted or asked about sex, which I could understand, there is a tremendous amount of tension around the house. I have to be the one who feels "dirty" for asking that there be SOME interaction for an evening... which she does... but only for me. Another 3 weeks go by and she hasn't asked or hinted, but "offers" to take care of me last night, again, not for her, just for me. I asked her if there is something that I am doing wrong, if there is something wrong with me, or is this something else... to which she replied that, "It is me... All me." Saying that there is is something going on with HER.

This past weekend we had a FANTASTIC time out. We went to a great dinner at a murder mystery theater, then spent a wonderful evening out, followed by a truly amazing day on the following day after an evening in a really expensive hotel. Problem is, a few days before that weekend our counselor was talking to me via phone, and asked if I had ever fully confronted my wife on the emails that I came across, if I had ever sat down with her to discuss them and tell her how those emails made me feel. I told her that I never had, that I felt if I ever did, things would most likely completely fall apart between us because I have always felt that my wife had all but blown off this affair as some little thing that just happened. As a matter of fact, my wife even said these exact words to me one day... that this was just "one LITTLE thing". Well, after getting back from our trip, with being up since 4am unable to sleep while running that question through my head, she asked what was troubling me. I told her that I didn't want to ruin the weekend, but she insisted. So... I sat her down on the couch and pulled out one particular email that truly hurt me to the core, one that I had been holding onto since I found it. I sat there and read it to her, word for word, while she started crying and getting furious screaming at me that she DID NOT need to hear this, but I told her that "I" needed to say it, and SHE needed to hear those words... the words that SHE wrote to a man that was NOT her husband, expressing HER feelings of attraction and connection to a man that was not me.

The "discussion" lead to a HUGE argument where I told her that I was NO LONGER going to shoulder the blame for the choices that she made. I had been trying to put that blame on myself because I felt that is what someone who cares for another should do... try and help to lighten your spouses load and burdens. I told her that I was not the one who put this man into her life, that I was not the one who arranged the "chance encounters" at night clubs and social activities, I did not dial the phone for her so she could talk WHILE our children were in listening distance, nor did I email him for her so they could discuss planning rendezvous, that I was NOT the one who asked him to drive her to a parking deck to "make out", I am not the one who convinced her to go back to his office one night to have sex with him as another woman watched... this was ALL HER decision, NOT mine. It was a truly horrible moment for me... yelling at my wife... refusing to take her responsibilities for her actions... truly THE worst moment so far in all of this.

I asked her about a month ago to confide in one of her friends about what had happened, and she chose one of her closest friends that had cheated on her husband... I agreed saying that of all of her friends, that young lady would certainly understand the way this tears a marriage apart. The night of this "discussion", I asked her if she had done so, if she had explained to that friend about the affair. She said that her friend did NOT "judge" her as I have done, and that her friend knew enough of what happened and understood how she felt. Then I asked her if her friend had been made aware that this other man had actually been discussing having a 3 way WITH my wife AND that friend... and that my wife's friend actually knows this man. She said that it wasn't important, that her friend didn't need to know that information. I told her that I wanted her to explain ALL of it to her friend, that her friend was indirectly effected by this affair due to my wife hiding things from her, all the while giving me the impression that her friend was "ok" with what had happened. I them told her that I wanted to know that the discussion took place, and what was said in response.

Things now, only a few days after this discussion, have been somewhat smooth. But as I said... she said that the lack of "intimacy" between us is all because of her. And after typing ALL of the emotional things I have put my wife through of late, I feel like a TOTAL heel for trying to ask when she would like to have sex with me... YEP... TOTAL heel.

Maybe this is what I needed... to simply put my confusion to paper so that I can SEE it for what it is. Here I am developing a complex that I am an unattractive man who is completely undesirable to my wife, yet I have been unable to see that I have been trying to force my wife to accept the consequences of her decisions, and confused as to why she doesn't what to jump my bones after her not having sex for nearly two and a half months.

Women can apparently turn that desire off like a light switch... and I seem to have mine hard wired in the on position. There are times when I HATE being a guy.

Here I am telling her that HER emotional and physical needs weren't being met, so she decided to go out of our marriage to have them fulfilled... and my HUGE worry is that I may not be strong enough to not have similar thoughts.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!

Please feel free ladies to explain to me how I am being self-centered and self-absorbed. I have asked our counselor to help me understand the things that I do not seem capable of comprehending. With our counselor being a lady, my hope is that she will be able to show me a perspective that I am missing... because I spend a good 98% of my day TOTALLY confused and feeling "dirty" for the thoughts that I have. She is my wife, I am her husband... I (like MOST guys) have a huge sex drive. If there is something that I am being punished for in our marriage, as a guy, withholding sex as a punishment... makes me feel less of a husband who is loved, and more like someone who is tolerated.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag
 

Misty77

Senior Member
Aug 30, 2013
1,746
45
0
#2
First, I want to express how my heart breaks for the pain and betrayal you have endured.

Second, it is incredibly admirable that you would want to try to salvage what your wife has destroyed. I don't know you so I don't know anything other than what you have told us. I am going to write just addressing the situation as described.

No. You are not being selfish. SHE broke a sacred covenant. SHE deceived you. SHE pursued evil. SHE risked your health and your life by engaging in sexual activities and bringing home God-knows-what back to your bed and potentially into your bloodstream. (It happens WAY more than we are led to believe.) You get to snoop, ask questions, and have discussions as much as you need during this healing process. Don't be mean or scary, but you get to be firm and assertive. If she is not willing so submit to the consequences of her adultery (lack of privacy, answering questions, etc.) then she is not really repentant. In that case, I would divorce her and take her for everything she's got. Remember, the Bible says to stone adulterers. She should be grateful that she is even allowed to live, much less being offered the opportunity of reconciliation.

I gotta say, though, that sex is the joining of two bodies and souls together. You aren't one flesh right now. You aren't making love (I hate that term, but I love that concept.) I know that it is an important part of the healing process, but you just might not be there right now. You have some other things that need taking care of first.

I have a friend whose husband committed similar sins. It's been over 10 years, and there are still grave and serious consequences. She is glad that she stayed, but to say it has been hard would be a gross understatement. The Lord can heal and reconcile any situation, but both parties have to be fully engaged in making that happen. I pray that the Lord would guide you through this. God bless, dear brother.
 

mystdancer50

Senior Member
Feb 26, 2012
2,522
50
48
#3
Thank you for sharing this. No, you are not be self-centered. We live in a world where it is everyone else's fault and this is what your wife believes and what many people believe when it comes to affairs. It's the other spouse who is to blame...she emasculated him...he was cold to her...blah, blah, blah. The ones responsible for affairs are the ones who commit the act. People are going to let us down, hurt us and fail us, but affairs are selfish actions on both sides of the matter.

That being said, it sounds to me like your wife has a spirit of sexual addiction, and that is something that needs to be addressed, and quickly. As long as that spirit is permitted to remain and be fed by fantasy in novels, movies and interactions, it will lead her to other affairs because that is the nature of sin and bondage.

Lastly, someone she should NOT be talking to is someone who cheated on someone else. They will sympathize and downplay the act, just as her friend did. The minute you wrote who she suggested that she was going to confide in, my response was opposite to yours. I immediately thought, "She's going to help her feel better about her affair, help her justify it and help her pass blame." The exception to the rule of this is that there are a small handful that have learned the sinfulness of their act and do not desire to soothe their own conscious. These are few and far between, however, as most of us downplay our sinful pasts in order to feel better, rather than facing them boldly as a new creation and saying the truth: it was selfish and sinful and destructive and I have been forgiven and set free, but that doesn't minimalize the seriousness of the sinful acts I engaged in...their wages are still death.

In the future, she should only speak with counselors or Pastor's in regards to this for counseling or someone who was cheated ON, but beware there as well, for they may not offer the compassion that must come with confession. One should not seek understanding in regards to sin, but rather they should seek answers to be set free and forgiven.

Just my thoughts...I am so sorry you're going through this.
 
E

emptymailbag

Guest
#4
I feel the need to clarify something after reading my original post, this makes me come across as someone who is ALWAYS thinking about sex, which is NOT the case.

I am a man, and most men have a high sex drive compared to most women, but my main thought throughout the day is not about sex. I have no idea what the average number of times a day a woman thinks about sex versus that of a man, and I WILL admit that my thoughts run to that topic more than my wife... but that is because within the past few months since I found out of her affair, we have had sex one time together, then roughly a week later she "took care of me", then approx a month later she did again, and then again yesterday (which is almost 3 weeks from last time) she took care of me again.

Oh, and before I get some nasty emails about the choice of words... "took care of me"... those are the words she uses, not my phrasing.

3 weeks to a month between... umm... being taken care of... is a little bit of a frustrating thing. Maybe not for a lady, but for a man, I would think that I am not alone in this boat. Now... it has been roughly 2 and a half months since SHE and I were united in that activity, THAT strikes me as a problem. Yes, there is all of the emotional things going on from the affair, but NOT needing to have some of that pent up frustration released, I am at a loss.

Then again, I'm a guy, what do I know about women.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag
 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#5
Sounds to me like she doesn't have any respect. For herself, you, or God. Keep trying to talk with her about it. Listen to what your counselor advises. Don't worry about the sex thing, everyone is different. Some have more drive than others. Not saying that it's ok for her to do these things.
God bless
 
C

CC_Bride

Guest
#6
Quite frankly,

I would kick her out of the house. People who commit adultery need to be given the consequences of her behaviour. That "friend" that she spoke to about this matter was the worst possible person she could have spoken to. What she needed was an older godly woman to sit her down and tell her to cut it out, not a fellow cheater!
Second of all, a trial seperation will really push her to pick where she stands. Seperation does not necessarily mean divorce, but if you remain living and sleeping together, she is still getting benefits and not any consequences for what she has done. Kicking her out of the house is probably the most loving thing you can do for her.

Have a backbone, seek advice from men and women at church who are wise and godly. You are not in the wrong. It sounds as if it started with those horrible filthy books. You may take some responsibility for not being perfect in the marriage as is the norm but the affair is not your fault, it is hers. Tell her you want reconciliation one day but with very clear grounds that YOU make ie solid biblical counselling, no porn (thats includes those trashy books). At first she will give you the sobbing woman, because shes gotten caught and she obviously feels guilt I bet, then she will try manipulation and then she will use anger and may potentially threaten you with the children or other stuff when she realises you standing your ground on the issue.

The tricky thing about this, and I hate to bring this up, but if you two do end up divorcing, you need to get yourself a very good lawyer and get custody of those kids, because most states deem the the primary caregiver of the children prior to the separation will be given custody and most often that is the woman. In my opinion the children should never go to the adulterer regardless of whether its the husband or wife. So you will have to fight for them and the law will not be on your side on this unfortunately.

Last of all, I really recommend you listen to a Christian guy called Mark Gungor. He does a radio show online and gives very good brutally honest advice and quite often speaks about adultery, sex, marriage, a whole slew of issues. Look him up -
The Mark Gungor Show | All issues concerning life, love and marriage. I even think you should email to him your story and get his perspective. Hes very good trust me..

Prayers for you brother...
 
B

BeanieD

Guest
#7
Matthew 6:14 " For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."
I think the best thing is to pray constantly about this. Maybe look at how you guys approach the physical intimacy times.
Some of us NEED the "foreplay" part. This is not JUST Physical touching, but you could say "teasing", looks, hugs at unexpected times, anything that brings togetherness.
It is very hard to forgive unfaithfulnes, and if you guys are willing, talk about why she felt the need to seek elsewhere. No confrontational stuff though. Praying for the two of you. Blessings
 
C

CarlaKaye

Guest
#8
I just see a husband who loves his wife and is trying to hold the relationship and family together. You aren't doing anything wrong and are actually working hard to be forgiving. The fact that you have needs and look to your wife to fulfill those needs is normal. I pray that your relationship And marriage is made whole by The Lord. I am going through the same thing. My husband had a same sex affair and yet I'm still trying to hold our family together. I totally understand how hard you are struggling! God will deliver your family and mine. He is faithful!
 
B

brokenclay

Guest
#9
The Peace and Power of a Prioritized Life, Part 1
I've been thinking about what us guys go through and I've tried to make sense of the what happened and the why.
A good Christian sister posted this for my sake. God is all wise and knows how to get us guys out of the trenches of war and back into a meaningful life. I'm studying this now, because even though I'm married I am not where I'm suppose be.
God bless you brother to rise above this circumstance and be a free man again. Sincerely, in Christ,
Larry Sherman.
 
Aug 15, 2009
9,745
179
0
#10
It's one thing to have a one night stand & feel stupid........ It's another thing for a woman to partner with her husband & continue to partner with her lover at the same time! If she's just "taking care of you" once in a blue moon, it's because she no longer loves you. It's just a job she's fulfilling to keep that roof over her head. You don't think she's being "active" some place else? First she wants a threesome, then nothing? Get a clue, nobody shuts down like that. Guilt didn't stop her before, it sure ain't stopping her now. It's time to move on, & you know it. Pretending won't fix it. When a spouse commits adultery & is still not treating you like the love of her life, she's not sorry.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
1,748
113
#11
I've read that men who have affairs can sleep with the mistress, and then sleep with the wife and enjoy sex with both. The woman who has an affair may feel guilty sleeping with her husband. Or so I've read. The affair may have messed up your wife's concept of sexuality, loyalty, and all that stuff.

You can tell your wife that she did one of the most damaging things a woman can do to her husband by committing adultery with another man. What she did was so heinous that if she lived in Israel in Old Testament times, she could have been stoned to death for it. And you are willing to take her back, but you expect her to meet all of your sexual needs. You require all the normal aspects of her sexuality to be yours that should normally be her husbands. She should give herself to you in this way like any normal loving wife should.

You are not dirty or a pervert for wanting to have sex with your wife or for thinking about it. Sexual fantasies are wrong if they are covetous/lustful in nature. The commandment is not to covet your neighbor's wife. This is your own wife. If you are allowed to have sex with her, you are allowed to think about having sex with her.

It's not right for her to deprive you of this. If you stand your ground in not being manipulated or blamed for her sin, that may make her upset and unwilling to have sex in the short term. But in the long term, she may respect you more than if you wrongly tried to accept the blame. There is a verse where Jesus said 'if he repents, forgive him.' If you forgive as Jesus taught, that doesn't mean that you agree with someone who tries to convince you that their sin wasn't really sin.

Also, your focus should be to get her to repent of the sin before God and be in right relationship with God.