E
Please forgive the overly "adult" topic... but I truly need some perspective from the female audience.
As many of you have read, I recently found out that my wife had an extended affair with a man she met through her work. The affair lasted at least a year, although she says that the "intimate" relationship didn't really take place until the last few months of that affair... which is something I found out to not be entirely true with the emails that I came across. Still, during the affair, I know that she was reading quite a few "adult" novels on her Kindle... hiding it and deleting her reading history. Books like Fifty Shades of Grey and others that were MUCH more adult-like, ones that SHE would have called pornographic if I were the one to have read them, but for her, they were just reading material for her to fall asleep to.
We had sex during her affair, sometimes quite frequently, but generally nothing out of the normal. When I found out about the affair things fell apart rather quickly around the house, which is what is to be expected... but there were a few days immediately following the affair being brought to light where I thought I was going to be attacked sexually, she was like an animal a few times. Now, please... DO NOT think for a moment that I minded that... it was FANTASTIC... but it suddenly stopped. A month goes by and she had not hinted or asked about sex, which I could understand, there is a tremendous amount of tension around the house. I have to be the one who feels "dirty" for asking that there be SOME interaction for an evening... which she does... but only for me. Another 3 weeks go by and she hasn't asked or hinted, but "offers" to take care of me last night, again, not for her, just for me. I asked her if there is something that I am doing wrong, if there is something wrong with me, or is this something else... to which she replied that, "It is me... All me." Saying that there is is something going on with HER.
This past weekend we had a FANTASTIC time out. We went to a great dinner at a murder mystery theater, then spent a wonderful evening out, followed by a truly amazing day on the following day after an evening in a really expensive hotel. Problem is, a few days before that weekend our counselor was talking to me via phone, and asked if I had ever fully confronted my wife on the emails that I came across, if I had ever sat down with her to discuss them and tell her how those emails made me feel. I told her that I never had, that I felt if I ever did, things would most likely completely fall apart between us because I have always felt that my wife had all but blown off this affair as some little thing that just happened. As a matter of fact, my wife even said these exact words to me one day... that this was just "one LITTLE thing". Well, after getting back from our trip, with being up since 4am unable to sleep while running that question through my head, she asked what was troubling me. I told her that I didn't want to ruin the weekend, but she insisted. So... I sat her down on the couch and pulled out one particular email that truly hurt me to the core, one that I had been holding onto since I found it. I sat there and read it to her, word for word, while she started crying and getting furious screaming at me that she DID NOT need to hear this, but I told her that "I" needed to say it, and SHE needed to hear those words... the words that SHE wrote to a man that was NOT her husband, expressing HER feelings of attraction and connection to a man that was not me.
The "discussion" lead to a HUGE argument where I told her that I was NO LONGER going to shoulder the blame for the choices that she made. I had been trying to put that blame on myself because I felt that is what someone who cares for another should do... try and help to lighten your spouses load and burdens. I told her that I was not the one who put this man into her life, that I was not the one who arranged the "chance encounters" at night clubs and social activities, I did not dial the phone for her so she could talk WHILE our children were in listening distance, nor did I email him for her so they could discuss planning rendezvous, that I was NOT the one who asked him to drive her to a parking deck to "make out", I am not the one who convinced her to go back to his office one night to have sex with him as another woman watched... this was ALL HER decision, NOT mine. It was a truly horrible moment for me... yelling at my wife... refusing to take her responsibilities for her actions... truly THE worst moment so far in all of this.
I asked her about a month ago to confide in one of her friends about what had happened, and she chose one of her closest friends that had cheated on her husband... I agreed saying that of all of her friends, that young lady would certainly understand the way this tears a marriage apart. The night of this "discussion", I asked her if she had done so, if she had explained to that friend about the affair. She said that her friend did NOT "judge" her as I have done, and that her friend knew enough of what happened and understood how she felt. Then I asked her if her friend had been made aware that this other man had actually been discussing having a 3 way WITH my wife AND that friend... and that my wife's friend actually knows this man. She said that it wasn't important, that her friend didn't need to know that information. I told her that I wanted her to explain ALL of it to her friend, that her friend was indirectly effected by this affair due to my wife hiding things from her, all the while giving me the impression that her friend was "ok" with what had happened. I them told her that I wanted to know that the discussion took place, and what was said in response.
Things now, only a few days after this discussion, have been somewhat smooth. But as I said... she said that the lack of "intimacy" between us is all because of her. And after typing ALL of the emotional things I have put my wife through of late, I feel like a TOTAL heel for trying to ask when she would like to have sex with me... YEP... TOTAL heel.
Maybe this is what I needed... to simply put my confusion to paper so that I can SEE it for what it is. Here I am developing a complex that I am an unattractive man who is completely undesirable to my wife, yet I have been unable to see that I have been trying to force my wife to accept the consequences of her decisions, and confused as to why she doesn't what to jump my bones after her not having sex for nearly two and a half months.
Women can apparently turn that desire off like a light switch... and I seem to have mine hard wired in the on position. There are times when I HATE being a guy.
Here I am telling her that HER emotional and physical needs weren't being met, so she decided to go out of our marriage to have them fulfilled... and my HUGE worry is that I may not be strong enough to not have similar thoughts.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
Please feel free ladies to explain to me how I am being self-centered and self-absorbed. I have asked our counselor to help me understand the things that I do not seem capable of comprehending. With our counselor being a lady, my hope is that she will be able to show me a perspective that I am missing... because I spend a good 98% of my day TOTALLY confused and feeling "dirty" for the thoughts that I have. She is my wife, I am her husband... I (like MOST guys) have a huge sex drive. If there is something that I am being punished for in our marriage, as a guy, withholding sex as a punishment... makes me feel less of a husband who is loved, and more like someone who is tolerated.
Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag
As many of you have read, I recently found out that my wife had an extended affair with a man she met through her work. The affair lasted at least a year, although she says that the "intimate" relationship didn't really take place until the last few months of that affair... which is something I found out to not be entirely true with the emails that I came across. Still, during the affair, I know that she was reading quite a few "adult" novels on her Kindle... hiding it and deleting her reading history. Books like Fifty Shades of Grey and others that were MUCH more adult-like, ones that SHE would have called pornographic if I were the one to have read them, but for her, they were just reading material for her to fall asleep to.
We had sex during her affair, sometimes quite frequently, but generally nothing out of the normal. When I found out about the affair things fell apart rather quickly around the house, which is what is to be expected... but there were a few days immediately following the affair being brought to light where I thought I was going to be attacked sexually, she was like an animal a few times. Now, please... DO NOT think for a moment that I minded that... it was FANTASTIC... but it suddenly stopped. A month goes by and she had not hinted or asked about sex, which I could understand, there is a tremendous amount of tension around the house. I have to be the one who feels "dirty" for asking that there be SOME interaction for an evening... which she does... but only for me. Another 3 weeks go by and she hasn't asked or hinted, but "offers" to take care of me last night, again, not for her, just for me. I asked her if there is something that I am doing wrong, if there is something wrong with me, or is this something else... to which she replied that, "It is me... All me." Saying that there is is something going on with HER.
This past weekend we had a FANTASTIC time out. We went to a great dinner at a murder mystery theater, then spent a wonderful evening out, followed by a truly amazing day on the following day after an evening in a really expensive hotel. Problem is, a few days before that weekend our counselor was talking to me via phone, and asked if I had ever fully confronted my wife on the emails that I came across, if I had ever sat down with her to discuss them and tell her how those emails made me feel. I told her that I never had, that I felt if I ever did, things would most likely completely fall apart between us because I have always felt that my wife had all but blown off this affair as some little thing that just happened. As a matter of fact, my wife even said these exact words to me one day... that this was just "one LITTLE thing". Well, after getting back from our trip, with being up since 4am unable to sleep while running that question through my head, she asked what was troubling me. I told her that I didn't want to ruin the weekend, but she insisted. So... I sat her down on the couch and pulled out one particular email that truly hurt me to the core, one that I had been holding onto since I found it. I sat there and read it to her, word for word, while she started crying and getting furious screaming at me that she DID NOT need to hear this, but I told her that "I" needed to say it, and SHE needed to hear those words... the words that SHE wrote to a man that was NOT her husband, expressing HER feelings of attraction and connection to a man that was not me.
The "discussion" lead to a HUGE argument where I told her that I was NO LONGER going to shoulder the blame for the choices that she made. I had been trying to put that blame on myself because I felt that is what someone who cares for another should do... try and help to lighten your spouses load and burdens. I told her that I was not the one who put this man into her life, that I was not the one who arranged the "chance encounters" at night clubs and social activities, I did not dial the phone for her so she could talk WHILE our children were in listening distance, nor did I email him for her so they could discuss planning rendezvous, that I was NOT the one who asked him to drive her to a parking deck to "make out", I am not the one who convinced her to go back to his office one night to have sex with him as another woman watched... this was ALL HER decision, NOT mine. It was a truly horrible moment for me... yelling at my wife... refusing to take her responsibilities for her actions... truly THE worst moment so far in all of this.
I asked her about a month ago to confide in one of her friends about what had happened, and she chose one of her closest friends that had cheated on her husband... I agreed saying that of all of her friends, that young lady would certainly understand the way this tears a marriage apart. The night of this "discussion", I asked her if she had done so, if she had explained to that friend about the affair. She said that her friend did NOT "judge" her as I have done, and that her friend knew enough of what happened and understood how she felt. Then I asked her if her friend had been made aware that this other man had actually been discussing having a 3 way WITH my wife AND that friend... and that my wife's friend actually knows this man. She said that it wasn't important, that her friend didn't need to know that information. I told her that I wanted her to explain ALL of it to her friend, that her friend was indirectly effected by this affair due to my wife hiding things from her, all the while giving me the impression that her friend was "ok" with what had happened. I them told her that I wanted to know that the discussion took place, and what was said in response.
Things now, only a few days after this discussion, have been somewhat smooth. But as I said... she said that the lack of "intimacy" between us is all because of her. And after typing ALL of the emotional things I have put my wife through of late, I feel like a TOTAL heel for trying to ask when she would like to have sex with me... YEP... TOTAL heel.
Maybe this is what I needed... to simply put my confusion to paper so that I can SEE it for what it is. Here I am developing a complex that I am an unattractive man who is completely undesirable to my wife, yet I have been unable to see that I have been trying to force my wife to accept the consequences of her decisions, and confused as to why she doesn't what to jump my bones after her not having sex for nearly two and a half months.
Women can apparently turn that desire off like a light switch... and I seem to have mine hard wired in the on position. There are times when I HATE being a guy.
Here I am telling her that HER emotional and physical needs weren't being met, so she decided to go out of our marriage to have them fulfilled... and my HUGE worry is that I may not be strong enough to not have similar thoughts.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
Please feel free ladies to explain to me how I am being self-centered and self-absorbed. I have asked our counselor to help me understand the things that I do not seem capable of comprehending. With our counselor being a lady, my hope is that she will be able to show me a perspective that I am missing... because I spend a good 98% of my day TOTALLY confused and feeling "dirty" for the thoughts that I have. She is my wife, I am her husband... I (like MOST guys) have a huge sex drive. If there is something that I am being punished for in our marriage, as a guy, withholding sex as a punishment... makes me feel less of a husband who is loved, and more like someone who is tolerated.
Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag