"But God, I wanted a boy/girl." ("Gender Disappointment.")

[seoulsearch]

Hello everyone:

I was reading an article last month about families who are using the latest methods (both at-home as well as the most expensive and sophisticated) to try to ensure the gender of their biological child.

One of the women they interviewed already had a son but desperately wanted a daughter, eventually going through a very complex, not to mention outrageously expensive "sorting process" that was supposed to be about 80% effective or higher in "swaying" the genetic possibility of a girl. Instead, she had twin boys... and became very bitter and depressed. (Psychologists are calling the phenomena "gender disappointment", hence the title of the thread.)

Eventually, she chose to adopt a daughter (which her husband did not agree with, so they wound up divorcing), and had one biologically as well with a second husband.

But, it was not the sugarplum fairytale she had hoped for. This woman had said (before she had her daughters) that she dreamed of having a little girl "to take to ballet class... paint her nails with pastel glitter... that would surely make me feel complete."

It reminded me of the feeling I get about being single and wanting to find the right partner... I know it's quite a bit different but it struck me in that so many times, we seem to think another person... even a child... is the answer to our completion.

In the end, however, both her daughters turned out to be tomboys and have absolutely no interest in tea parties, fashion shows, or ballet. The article ended with the woman saying that she still tries to persuade them because she "is used to getting what she wants... and does not give up easily." It made me think about how God can say no to even the most successful of people.

Have you, as a Christian, experienced an extreme longing for a child of a certain gender? What happened, and how did it turn out? And if you never got the child you longed for, how did you come to find peace through God, or are you still struggling?

Or, maybe you are on the other end--did your parents or family desperately want a child you just don't happen to be? How has God brought you to a point of healing from such expectations?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and God bless.

 

[loveschild]

I thanked God my children were healthy and had all their toes. I had a girl first and thought it would be nice to have a boy for my husbands sake. I just wanted healthy. I did get a boy. I didn't have some extreme want over them. Look at the movie stars their all having twins so they can be pregnant once. Now a days they pick whay color of eyes before the child is born. All seems to remind me of hitler and one race. All the torture they did on children and others trying to bring one race to pass. God had the perfect plan for babies and it should stay the way he wanted it.

 

[FixYourWeave]

God really really blessed me! I have a girl and a boy. I had a girl first. Honestly i was glad i had a girl, but if it would have been a boy i would have been glad to! I thank god that i can even have children. I've had several misscarriages, and the doctors said i wouldnt carry my daughter all the way to term, well shes almost four years old now. With my son, i had complications as well. When i was pregnant with him, he wouldnt move. They had to hook things up to my stomach and basically make him move, i praise god he has allowed me to even have kids at all. So i wouldnt care if i had two boys or just two girls, god allowed me to have one of both, and i will be eternally grateful.

 

[kiwi_OT]

That woman you talked about Kim sounds like a controlling, idiot... I feel sorry for her.

Lol Im not married and have no children so I cant talk about children but I had a similar experience with my cat lolololol.
When I was living with my parents and putting up with all sorts of rubbish I had an oriental tonkinese cat I named Alfie (he looked like a black Siamese). This cat kept me sane and had a knack of always seeking me out whenever I was upset and I remember crying every night silent and having my cat lick my tears off my face. In other words he was very special to me. Plus he was the cuddliest cat in the world. Anyway, when my mum got divorced, her ex demanded that he keep my cat whereas my mum would keep the dog.
I was devastated (so was the dog lol).
2years ago I was randonly looking online, and found that someone nearby was giving away black kittens for free. Because my dog was at home at lot and was a bit mopey we thought we'd give her another cat friend (seriously my dog and cat had a disturbingly physical kind of friendship).
So we got a kitten, named him Pedro. We had all these expectations for this cat. Cuddly, cute, great with the dog, great with children...
Hes full grown now, and hes living proof that all cats are different from each other.
My last cat was an indoor cat and wouldnt have a hope in the world at trying out roughing it - he was a wuss. Pedro on the other hand insists on staying outdoors 90% of the time. Hes super loud as well and enjoys waking me up with his yowling, he HATES being cuddled or picked up, though he loves back rubs though you hardly get the chance to give him one cos hes a major flirt and loves bouncing up to you then running away again and he often loves to bring me presents in the form of dead birds.
Used to annoy me at first and I still wish he was a bit more cuddly but I love him to bits now and accept the fact that hes a freakishly independent cat. I call him my wee hunter.

 

[dianna]

I have a question why do people think they can play GOD?

 

[tryingtofindhim]

In my opinion, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But once the child is born you should love them no matter what. But if you want to attempt to choose your child's gender so be it, because ultimately God is in control even if you think you are.

 

[grace]

When I was pregnant with my daughter I was totally convinced I was having a boy. lol

When I was pregnant with both my boys I was equally convinced (both times) that I was having girls......

All three times, so happy for the blessing!

I can understand the desire to want to experience parenting a boy AND a girl......but to sink into depression or even resent the child later on for not being the gender you anticipated is quite sad acctually.

 

[tryingtofindhim]

When I was pregnant with my daughter I was totally convinced I was having a boy. lol

When I was pregnant with both my boys I was equally convinced (both times) that I was having girls......

All three times, so happy for the blessing!

I can understand the desire to want to experience parenting a boy AND a girl......but to sink into depression or even resent the child later on for not being the gender you anticipated is quite sad acctually.

agreed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Pete_Martinez]

Isa 45:10 Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?' or to a woman, 'With what are you in labor?'"
Isa 45:11 Thus says the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him: "Ask me of things to come; will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands?

Exo 4:11 And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?

 

[MyBagsRPacked]

All I can say to this thread is that my mother told me...and to this day I don't know why she would even TELL me this....she had wanted me to be a boy.
Fair enough. I have an older sister so of course she wanted a boy. She then went on to tell me how the lady who shared her hospital room had given birth to a boy and she wanted to trade me!
Whatever the case, never let your child know... you'll never live it down lol
I'm blessed with 1 boy and 1 girl so I'm glad I never had to feel that way

 

[Suzie]

I had a boy first and then a girl. I wanted them in that order because I had a big brother and it was great. I can honestly say, it would not have mattered what I had. All I prayed for was that I had a healthy baby with everything they were supposed to have. My greatest fear was that I knew they would have questions, want to know who and what God was and I may not have the answers. Foolish fear, God has been with me every step and given me the answers. I love my children soooo very much it truly never mattered and I have thanked God everyday for loving me enough to bless me with both. Just ask, He will take the disappointment away and replace it with joy and contentment.

 

[hougtimo]

Perhaps this lady was looking for "completeness" where she couldn't find it?

I see so many people who think they know the answer tot heir problems, if only they could just have this / that. Perhaps it was a relationship with Christ she was craving. (of course, there could have been many other factors in her life that we don't know about - I'm merely playing devi... ahem, God's advocate.

 

[dmdave17]

I thanked God my children were healthy and had all their toes. ... I just wanted healthy. ... God had the perfect plan for babies and it should stay the way he wanted it.

What more is there to say? The Bible tells us that children are a blessing; not boy children, or girl children. Any gender bias is sort of like asking God if He made a mistake. Don't think so.

 

[Jullianna]

I have a son who is my treasure. Had a very difficult time bringing him into this world, but God is amazing and worked it all out. My husband's hereditary terminal illness led us to decide not to try to have more children.

In my heart, I would so love to have another child. God willing, I would like that child to be a girl so that I could experience things that I haven't experienced with my son, but there is no way I would want to take gender determination into my own hands. God knows what is best for me and for whatever children He chooses to bless my life with. Besides, a tomboy like me might not know much about raising a girlie girl. I'd be willing to give it a shot though.

If I do anything at all in this regard, it might be to ADOPT a girl at some point, NOT try to play God and engineer one.

 

[jimsun]

Our kids were both born on the same date exactly a year apart! (Surely an example of the epitome of "family planning"!).
We have one boy & one girl though all we were ever concerned about was that they both arrived in God's world healthy - But if that hadn't have been the case they would still be loved & cherished just as they are today.
The one unnerving patch we had was when we told our son he was to have a baby sister, he said that was ok, but he'd rather have a puppy!!
Yes, Seoulsearch, we do boys things like football & karate & we've watched our daughter's progress in ballet with pride as she's moved from her Junior Associateship with English National Ballet, Ballet Ireland, the RAD - even being adopted, at times, into the Company of Moscow City Ballet.

However, personally, one thing has puzzled me re: folks without/unable to have kids. They seem to suffer all manner of weird & frightening med procedures to conceive or adopt a child. And this child has to meet such exact specifications - just like the adults were buying a new car!
Have they any idea the numbers of abandoned street kids under the age of 3 there are worldwide?
With my NGO & just after Ceaucsescu was toppled in communist Romania, I visited an orphanage in Timisuara. That broke my heart.
J.