I used to have a problem with porn and masturbation. It is now resurfacing as I am getting extremely frustrated with my wife saying no every time I make an advance. It isn't like its everyday I'm pressuring her. One a week or even fortnight I'd be happy with, but after a month of No's, it's been too much. I'm sick of the rejection.
When talking with her about it, she apologizes - says sorry but that's it. Says she could live without it. Explains she's not the touchy feely kind and that "I chose fruit therefore I should live with fruit"
Thing is I've seen her show affection to the kids and even dog, I say something and I get blamed for being insecure.
I know porn isn't right and don't want to do it, and I can't blame my wife because it's stil a choice.
But I wonder how many wives out there, deny their husbands and they get tempted and hooked on porn.
The bible says not to deny each other.
I wouldn't say this to my wife as I don't want her to give it to me out of guilt or bible bash her.
I wonder if there's any guys out there in my position?
Wives next time you deny your husband think about it, your husband may be tempted! Do you want that?
Also why is there no men's group?
You can't blame your wife for looking at porn. Now, she may be at fault for leaving you open to temptation, but you choose to give in to the temptation or not. Btw, why do you have to look at porn if you masturbate? I guess I can see how you could yield to either out of a desire to comfort yourself somehow or something like that. I know a guy whose wife cut him off for two years, and he had a porn problem, but I'm not sure if her cutting him off came first or if that were her poor response to his porn problem. He's been struggling with the issue, wanting to be free of it. I think your situation probably happens to a lot of guys.
On your end, you need to stop with the porn. It's not about your relationship with your wife. It's about your relationship with the Lord.
I know you don't want to 'Bible bash' her. But if you have a good enough relationship with her to have a heart to heart on the subject and she'll listen, I don't think it's wrong for you to show her from I Corinthians 7 that she's defrauding you and that she's leaving you open to temptation. You can also tell her that she's not meeting your sexual needs and your not okay with that. Something along those lines. You can leave it as a relationship problem that is unresolved. Don't downplay it. You can also tell her that you have been masturbating and you want to stop and pour all that sexual energy into her and your relationship with her, so there need to be some changes. If she at least verbally says she is wrong, that she wants to improve or whatever, then tell her you want her to schedule sex with you. If you are negotiating, ask for more than you need. If you are okay with once a week, tell her you want three times a week to give her room to win the negotiation by negotiating down to twice a week. You could ask her to have sex with you on certain days during the week, and ask her to initiate two other times that aren't on the schedule for the month. I know scheduling can feel unromantic. I think it your shoes you should be willing to accept 'duty sex' to get her kick started into a normal sex life.
Some other tips are don't ask for sex, and definitely never beg for it. Instead of asking, you can tell her what you are going to do to her later, maybe right after a passionate kiss or embrace. If you can do it in a fun, flirty way, it might get her mind going in the right direction. If you ask her if you can have sex, her mind may be programmed to think of all the reasons why she shouldn't or wouldn't. Another thing is, if she says she doesn't want to have sex tonight, she's telling you how she feels at the moment. Six hours later, she may feel differently. You can also work on 'seduction skills'-- which is basically acting like a newly wed does naturally. Give her long ten or fifteen second kisses. Right when you come home, give her a kiss like that while dipping her like you are dancing the tango. If you know how, you could even dance the tango with her. Use a lot of physical contact with her. You can start with rubbing shoulders early in the after noon, and work up to squeezes and maybe a bit of groping. Of course when no kids or anyone else are around. If she's cool with that, that's good. If you go a little further than she'd like and she gets upset or indignant, of course back off and go back a step, to hugs or shoulders or whatever. If she acts upset, diffuse it with a little humorous flirting, like "you know you like that" or something like that and see if you can get a smile or a laugh out of her. Treat her like your lover. If you do things like this, experiment and see what makes her aroused or interested or ending up having sex with you. A woman might like to be pursued a little. She may like a Tarzan approach. Tarzan carries Jane across his shoulder. He's strong a muscular. You could try coming home from work, picking your wife up like a bride, and carrying her off to the bedroom. If she is attracted to strength and passion, that may work. Some women like Tarzan. Some women like the rock drummer or the bad boy on the motor cycle. Some like the smooth talker. If you were more sexually active early in your marriage think about how you acted back then. Maybe there is something you could do that she would find more appealing.
I think generally women find begging for sex unattractive. It doesn't look masculine. I don't know if you beg. If asking for sex isn't working, you might want to state as a fact what is going to happen and then work toward it. Instead of asking, let her know what you expect to do together later, and show up with a tube of KY or whatever your 'gear' is dressed for action at 10 PM when you go to bed. Letting your wife know you expect sex later can work in your favor, if it doesn't turn into some kind of argument. If she wants to argue that she doesn't want to, you could just say 'we'll see' rather than accepting you two won't have sex by arguing with her about it. But if you tell her, "Please don't get too tired tonight, because I plan to make love to you tonight, Honey." she may kind of work that into her plan for the day. Or you could say, "I want us to make love before 11 PM because I have to get up early." She may be more inclined to agree or go along with that than if you asked her if you could have sex with her. The time thing may be helpful if she promises sex and then does things until she is tired and goes to sleep without fulfilling her promise.
There may be some other things you can do to help improve the relationship to make her more inclined to have sex with you. If you bicker or argue, or just kind of have neutral interactions, really try to have more positive verbal interactions. Think about things she is good at or has done well and make a conscious effort to tell her how much you appreciate things. My wife cooks well, so I praise her cooking, among many other things. Notice at the end of Proverbs 31, how people rise up and call her blessed. It's a good thing to affirm the good things about your wife. If you came home and your wife greeted you with a big kiss on the lips and 100 kisses all over your cheek and forehead and said she was so happy to see you, and hugged you as tightly as she could, you'd probably like that. I like it if my wife does stuff like that. It's good to feel wanted and welcomed. If you like that, your wife might also like something like that from you. When she comes home or you come home, you have a little chance to create a positive experience for your wife by how to greet each other. That's one small part of the relationship, but it can really help. Also, make sure you don't raise your voice at your wife, that you treat her with respect. Appreciate work she does, especially if she does something out of the ordinary, or something unusual. If she has sex with you, tell her how much you appreciate her acting toward you as a wife should.
