E
VERY brief history for those who may remember:
Around Thanksgiving 2013, I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for at least a year. We have 3 boys, 2 teenagers, and 1 much younger. It crushed me when I found out, and it continues to ripe my days apart. It is without a doubt THE most painful thing I have ever endured, and is something that I pray no one else has to go through.
Please go into the forums to find the history of me and what's been going on if you would like. I've tried to chronicle it in as much detail as I could, from the initial discovery, to counseling, to trying to allow the mending process to begin.
This journey has taken its toll on me in ways I could not imagine at the start. People told me that it would be hard, that Satan would continue to throw obstacles in our way, that there were going to be times when I felt the need to lock myself in a room and beat the walls with my fists until they bleed. ALL of that and so much more has come to pass.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I am finding that I am getting tired of the fight. The daily struggle that I have on the inside, where I told her VERY quickly that I forgave her for what she had done, and that I took ownership of the things that I had done to make her feel the need to go outside of our marriage. She has said that she is sorry many times, but she has never asked me to forgive her. I feel that she has assumed that I would have done so, and when I did, it seemed to have taken that "need" from her.
I have for the past year and a half, accepted, even encouraged her to go out with her girlfriends to clubs and dancing for drinks and fun "girls night" kind of things. For the past 7 - 8 years, I had been battling my own physical issues that had me worried, and yes, I kept those to myself. She is the single income winner for the family, and WRONGLY, I chose to not burden her with those issues I was going through, feeling that with money being tight as it is, she didn't NEED any additional stress from me and my health issues. I have since admitted my hiding those issues to her, and apologized to her for not asking her to share my fears and concerns, but the damage was already done. My health issues have been dealt with because of some people that I reached out to... they took care of the financial responsibility of that issue, as well as paid some of our VERY overdue bills she had struggled with, AND paid for the counseling that we attended. I should have asked sooner, I didn't, and I have to live with that. No matter what I say or do, that resentment from her is there. I have now taken on another job working a few nights a week in addition to the work schedule that I already have. The new schedule is going to kick me in the teeth because there will be a few days a week where I am up 24 hours straight. But I have my health, and she asked me to do something about the income, so I am honoring that request.
Her going out and dancing with her friends, drinking and having a good time, did nothing but make my issues worse. The stomach ulcers worsened to a point where I simply didn't want to do anything but go to my work, then come home and be left alone. As I slid away from her, she slid away from me. Her friends became the thing she needed, this other man became a substitute for me. I felt each and every time that she was out with her girlfriends, that I was not wanted and not needed. I wanted to be part of the fun, but my health issues kept me from being able to act. I hid those issues, so to her it must have seemed as though I just wasn't interested in going out. I became the watcher of our children for her to go have fun once or twice a month. It was miserable for me, and I began to resent her for making me feel that way. I have since asked her to consider how I feel about the girls night out events, how I do want her to have a good time, just NOT at any place with a dance floor or a club environment. I want to be out with her, her looking as she does, having fun and being in a place that makes her happy with music and people. If she is NOT wanting to do that with me, then why not? Am I preventing some activity that she says does not go on? She hasn't said as such, but I "think" she is upset that the fun of having guys come up and flirt with her, buying drinks and asking her to dance, would be hampered if I were there. But I have finally reached my limits... the boundaries in this area for me are simple. Girls night out can be dinner, movies, drinks at the restaurant, shopping, even taking in a play or such... but NO club environment... NO dancing with ANY other guy than me... NO making me feel that I am not what and who she needs.
She has always refused to give me details of the relationship, until the counselor we were seeing all but demanded it. She explained a very small part, and has all but seemed to brush it off... almost as if the pain of me demanding that the relationship be ended was being held against me. She would go to running events (races, jogging and the like), and I would ask to come and watch, waiting for at the finish line, but she always told me that it was "her thing". Recently I decided to do some investigation into those events, to see if the other man was actually there. I found that 2 of the recent events he started with her, and finished with her. I brought it up, and she brushed it off saying that "he wasn't at ALL of them." I admit, it made me sick to my stomach when she said that. Here she was again, given the opportunity to openly admit what had happened with him, yet she brushed it off. As she headed out of the state this past Thursday for a birthday trip she had planned with her girlfriends a few moths back, I dug deeper into the research. I know that I shouldn't have, especially after I have told her that I forgive her... but I was hurt and mad YET again.
I came across something like 12 events over the past year where she went running, and out of those 12, he was at 11 of them. Of those 12, I think that our oldest son was at 2 or 3 of them... WITH the other man present at the time. Yesterday I asked my oldest son about his races and running, asking if he enjoyed it, and trying to make small conversation on a few topics. I asked if he jogged next to mom during those events, to which he replied, "No, she and Mr J (withholding name out of respect), would run together." I was floored. He said that he thought Mr J was an OK guy, and that he was told that Mr J was a "friend". He also said that there was a play that my oldest son and mom went to see a while back in October 2013, where he remembers Mr J being IN the play. Not only was Mr J in the play, but Mr J's wife AND son were in it as well. He also said that my wife took my mother and mother-in-law to see the same play, THE NEXT NIGHT. I did some research into the play, turns out it was at Mr J's church. I was absolutely stunned AGAIN!!!
I would get to a "somewhat comfortable" place in this whole thing with my wife, and then a few weeks later, I would get upset that she was brushing this entire thing off. I would speak my heart about how this has hurt me, and she would BLOW UP, accusing me of putting more bricks on the wall between us. I would get to that zone of feeling numb again, and a few weeks later my heart would start to break, and she would get so upset that I was bringing it up again. We finally had a level conversation the other day before she left on her birthday trip, and even then she made me feel as though she has blown this whole thing off... which is where this newest "discovery" started.
I feel like I am less of a man, a shell of what I was. I have been fighting for us to be repaired with everything that I have, but I am tired... just so very tired.
She has laid down her boundaries of what she wants and needs, but I honestly DO NOT feel that she is going to respect those boundaries that I need. I simply want, I truly DESERVE... transparency from her. I just wish that she would come up to me and "ask" for forgiveness, and by doing so, show me that she is truly hurting for what she has put me through. I pray that she can see my NEED for her to completely expose what went on between the two of them, rather than have me want to dig and find out on my own. I absolutely HATE myself for not being willing to just move on, to put it ALL behind me... I want to do that, I just can't.
I am failing... and I am getting exhausted from the emotional roller-coaster I am on. I know she is upset that I keep bringing up these things, but she has never fully brought them to light. I just want to be treated as though I am someone she respects, expose this thing, and then trust me to make a decision based upon the facts. There was nothing that I did to deserve this kind of treatment, for her to go outside of our marriage and do what she did and hiding it as she has.
I deserve... peace.
-emptymailbag
Around Thanksgiving 2013, I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for at least a year. We have 3 boys, 2 teenagers, and 1 much younger. It crushed me when I found out, and it continues to ripe my days apart. It is without a doubt THE most painful thing I have ever endured, and is something that I pray no one else has to go through.
Please go into the forums to find the history of me and what's been going on if you would like. I've tried to chronicle it in as much detail as I could, from the initial discovery, to counseling, to trying to allow the mending process to begin.
This journey has taken its toll on me in ways I could not imagine at the start. People told me that it would be hard, that Satan would continue to throw obstacles in our way, that there were going to be times when I felt the need to lock myself in a room and beat the walls with my fists until they bleed. ALL of that and so much more has come to pass.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I am finding that I am getting tired of the fight. The daily struggle that I have on the inside, where I told her VERY quickly that I forgave her for what she had done, and that I took ownership of the things that I had done to make her feel the need to go outside of our marriage. She has said that she is sorry many times, but she has never asked me to forgive her. I feel that she has assumed that I would have done so, and when I did, it seemed to have taken that "need" from her.
I have for the past year and a half, accepted, even encouraged her to go out with her girlfriends to clubs and dancing for drinks and fun "girls night" kind of things. For the past 7 - 8 years, I had been battling my own physical issues that had me worried, and yes, I kept those to myself. She is the single income winner for the family, and WRONGLY, I chose to not burden her with those issues I was going through, feeling that with money being tight as it is, she didn't NEED any additional stress from me and my health issues. I have since admitted my hiding those issues to her, and apologized to her for not asking her to share my fears and concerns, but the damage was already done. My health issues have been dealt with because of some people that I reached out to... they took care of the financial responsibility of that issue, as well as paid some of our VERY overdue bills she had struggled with, AND paid for the counseling that we attended. I should have asked sooner, I didn't, and I have to live with that. No matter what I say or do, that resentment from her is there. I have now taken on another job working a few nights a week in addition to the work schedule that I already have. The new schedule is going to kick me in the teeth because there will be a few days a week where I am up 24 hours straight. But I have my health, and she asked me to do something about the income, so I am honoring that request.
Her going out and dancing with her friends, drinking and having a good time, did nothing but make my issues worse. The stomach ulcers worsened to a point where I simply didn't want to do anything but go to my work, then come home and be left alone. As I slid away from her, she slid away from me. Her friends became the thing she needed, this other man became a substitute for me. I felt each and every time that she was out with her girlfriends, that I was not wanted and not needed. I wanted to be part of the fun, but my health issues kept me from being able to act. I hid those issues, so to her it must have seemed as though I just wasn't interested in going out. I became the watcher of our children for her to go have fun once or twice a month. It was miserable for me, and I began to resent her for making me feel that way. I have since asked her to consider how I feel about the girls night out events, how I do want her to have a good time, just NOT at any place with a dance floor or a club environment. I want to be out with her, her looking as she does, having fun and being in a place that makes her happy with music and people. If she is NOT wanting to do that with me, then why not? Am I preventing some activity that she says does not go on? She hasn't said as such, but I "think" she is upset that the fun of having guys come up and flirt with her, buying drinks and asking her to dance, would be hampered if I were there. But I have finally reached my limits... the boundaries in this area for me are simple. Girls night out can be dinner, movies, drinks at the restaurant, shopping, even taking in a play or such... but NO club environment... NO dancing with ANY other guy than me... NO making me feel that I am not what and who she needs.
She has always refused to give me details of the relationship, until the counselor we were seeing all but demanded it. She explained a very small part, and has all but seemed to brush it off... almost as if the pain of me demanding that the relationship be ended was being held against me. She would go to running events (races, jogging and the like), and I would ask to come and watch, waiting for at the finish line, but she always told me that it was "her thing". Recently I decided to do some investigation into those events, to see if the other man was actually there. I found that 2 of the recent events he started with her, and finished with her. I brought it up, and she brushed it off saying that "he wasn't at ALL of them." I admit, it made me sick to my stomach when she said that. Here she was again, given the opportunity to openly admit what had happened with him, yet she brushed it off. As she headed out of the state this past Thursday for a birthday trip she had planned with her girlfriends a few moths back, I dug deeper into the research. I know that I shouldn't have, especially after I have told her that I forgive her... but I was hurt and mad YET again.
I came across something like 12 events over the past year where she went running, and out of those 12, he was at 11 of them. Of those 12, I think that our oldest son was at 2 or 3 of them... WITH the other man present at the time. Yesterday I asked my oldest son about his races and running, asking if he enjoyed it, and trying to make small conversation on a few topics. I asked if he jogged next to mom during those events, to which he replied, "No, she and Mr J (withholding name out of respect), would run together." I was floored. He said that he thought Mr J was an OK guy, and that he was told that Mr J was a "friend". He also said that there was a play that my oldest son and mom went to see a while back in October 2013, where he remembers Mr J being IN the play. Not only was Mr J in the play, but Mr J's wife AND son were in it as well. He also said that my wife took my mother and mother-in-law to see the same play, THE NEXT NIGHT. I did some research into the play, turns out it was at Mr J's church. I was absolutely stunned AGAIN!!!
I would get to a "somewhat comfortable" place in this whole thing with my wife, and then a few weeks later, I would get upset that she was brushing this entire thing off. I would speak my heart about how this has hurt me, and she would BLOW UP, accusing me of putting more bricks on the wall between us. I would get to that zone of feeling numb again, and a few weeks later my heart would start to break, and she would get so upset that I was bringing it up again. We finally had a level conversation the other day before she left on her birthday trip, and even then she made me feel as though she has blown this whole thing off... which is where this newest "discovery" started.
I feel like I am less of a man, a shell of what I was. I have been fighting for us to be repaired with everything that I have, but I am tired... just so very tired.
She has laid down her boundaries of what she wants and needs, but I honestly DO NOT feel that she is going to respect those boundaries that I need. I simply want, I truly DESERVE... transparency from her. I just wish that she would come up to me and "ask" for forgiveness, and by doing so, show me that she is truly hurting for what she has put me through. I pray that she can see my NEED for her to completely expose what went on between the two of them, rather than have me want to dig and find out on my own. I absolutely HATE myself for not being willing to just move on, to put it ALL behind me... I want to do that, I just can't.
I am failing... and I am getting exhausted from the emotional roller-coaster I am on. I know she is upset that I keep bringing up these things, but she has never fully brought them to light. I just want to be treated as though I am someone she respects, expose this thing, and then trust me to make a decision based upon the facts. There was nothing that I did to deserve this kind of treatment, for her to go outside of our marriage and do what she did and hiding it as she has.
I deserve... peace.
-emptymailbag
