My husband says he no longer loves me like a wife...

[TamieTrue]

I don't know what to do. I have been with my husband for the better part of 13 years now. I am 46 he is 47. We have 6 beautiful children, a blended family 3 boys from his first marriage one now 20 and twins 23. a daughter from my first marriage 23 and 2 boys together one 11 and the youngest just turned 6. My husband and I have had our ups and downs some really really rough stuff but we survived but as we survived his love for me has changed I felt it tried to discuss it but he just blew me off stating he was focusing on his career for our family...then one day he tells me he no longer loves me like a wife he loves me as a sister and best-friend. He stated he would honor his vows but I needed to accept it and realize I wouldn't get that kind of love from him because he wont live a lie. I was crushed to say the least...I know he loved and adored me once. I stuck by him through things I to this day don't know if I should have or not. Sometimes I felt he resented me for being so loving and loyal and good to him out of guilt. But I truly felt God intended me to be there and I made a vow and commitment to him and my family and I was to honor that even when it was hard...giving up and walking away was not an option. I love him with all my heart to this day it has never faded , mind you I dont always like him lol but I do always love and cherish him. Its been almost 3 years now since he made his grand announcement I stayed thinking it was some kind of phase or something he was going through and in time we could rekindle what we once had...but he refuses to even try and I cant make him love me or treat me like a wife. He refuses counseling and becomes irate at the possibility of discussing it with our pastor or anyone from our church...he doesn't want anyone to know. I have been at a loss for a long time trying to hold on to hope the loneliness eating away at me. Until i finally snapped he had been blowing a lot of money we hadn't been intimate in months he has been so distant emotionally then my birthday came...3rd year in a row he blew it off then valentines day his excuse was he was broke but he was just indifferent he has blown over 2000 every month for the last 4 months then he finally said I don't buy my sister gifts either what do you expect of me...that was it...it hurt so much i said I cant keep doing this it hurts too much. He doesn't understand why he has to loose his best-friend just because he doesn't love me like a wife...he is truly upset like I have done something to him.
I don't know what to do I honestly feel like he wants me to leave sometimes and just cut him loose of all the responsibility so he can say he did the best he could, but he didn't. I think part of him is afraid for me to leave and part of him aches for it.
We both decided we needed a break from each other so he planned a business trip to Florida. I couldn't wait for him to leave...but he was gone less then 24 hours and I missed him already. Messed up I know. Its been almost a week now and he is supposed to be gone 2 more. I have told him i need him to make a decision one way or the other what he wants to do...I don't feel like walking away from our marriage is what God wants from us, but if that's what he wants I want him to do and let me move on if not he has to work to help fix it. He just gets angry when i bring it up...so it get no where.

Every time I have decided to leave him in the past something has happened either with the kids or just God closing a door...its like he is telling me not yet little girl. Something deep inside me tells me this is where I am supposed to be. I am not dependent type probably too independent to tell the truth, I worry some about finances but its nothing i cant handle.
I am not worried about being lonely, there is nothing more lonely then sitting right next to the one you love and feeling all alone. I don't know what it is...I just don't feel i am supposed to leave. I also don't want him staying in a relationship he doesn't want I want him to be happy. I just am at a complete loss and the waiting is killing me...what do I do? any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You

 

[faroukfarouk]

Very difficult for you. But you're not responsible for his actions. 1 Corinthians 7 is a relevant chapter in all this.

For you personally, John 14.1-27 is a good passage, to remind you of the love of the Savior.

 

[faroukfarouk]

PS:do you think he could be going through some kind of early onset male menopause issue?

Blessings.

 

[TamieTrue]

I don't know he has been depressed, sleeping a lot but honestly I thought it had to do with this stuck feeling he has over our relationship. So I don't know...I cant help him if he wont let me. Praying and Praying for guidance.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I don't know he has been depressed, sleeping a lot but honestly I thought it had to do with this stuck feeling he has over our relationship. So I don't know...I cant help him if he wont let me. Praying and Praying for guidance.

Keep praying and no need to do anything sudden and drastic. You said he continues to be fond of you. I'm wondering: men often find it hard to express their feelings, or if they do, what we end up saying can be garbled and inadequate. My wife and I are just a bit older than you; do you think that what he said to you was some kind of garbled and inadequate way of saying that he realizes that his body gradually feels different as he gets older?

For some people, this kind of development is taken in one's stride; for others, it's confusing and can make one feel vulnerable and inadequate and what one says can also be very inadequate as well.

(Just a few thoughts..)

Blessings.

 

[presidente]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage.

Here is something to think about. For thousands of years in various cultures, people didn't think you had to be 'in love' to be married. The Bible does tell husbands to love their wives, but we read that and think about romance and being in love. The same Bible says to love your neighbor. You don't think about romance when you hear that verse. For thousands of years in some cultures, marriages were arranged, and if some man said he wasn't in love with his wife, probably no would think they were planning a divorce.

But we have a culture that was influenced by courtly love in the middle ages which translated into certain ideals about marriage like we see in Romeo and Juliet. Nowadays, people think their commitment in marriage is only supposed to last as long as their feelings. Then some marry based on infatuation and divorce when it dies down.

It is good to have passion in marriage. Proverbs 5 talks about a man being ever intoxicated with his wife's love. My wife has gone through times when she said she didn't have those feelings for me anymore. She wasn't threatening divorce over it, just telling me her feelings. Sometimes she has felt that way during PMS or something like that. Today, she keeps wanting me to give her long kisses, like a she's a teenager, though, so that temporary emotional thing she went through was just temporary.

Ideally, you'll both pray together regularly, and include the 'feelings' issue in your marriage. You can also show him I Corinthians 7 and say if he feels like you are just friends, you should have a friend with benefits relationship until he snaps out of it and his feelings get back in line. A regular sexual relationship may help him hormonally to bond with you, too. If he's not interested and he used to be, maybe he could have his testosterone checked out. If he is interested, they say that when men get a certain age that they are more tempted to have an affair (or at least they made a movie based on the premise for what it's worth.) If he is prone to that, just make sure that affair is with you.

Something else to consider is whether he's getting all his emotional needs met in marriage. One need men have is to be respected and appreciated. Even if he isn't meeting all your needs now, you can try to meet his to break the cycle of not meeting each other's needs. You can great him with excitement and affection when he comes home, listen to him, sincerely compliment him, cook his favorite food. Act like you just got married and you're trying to make him happy and show him what a good wife you can be. If you went through that stage, just re-do it. It's fun being on the receiving end of that. Hopefully, he'll reciprocate after a while.

A lot of men don't like going to counseling. Women talk about all kinds of stuff to each other. They tell each other all about their sex lives. Boys in high school brag or joke in the locker room. But I don't go around telling male friends I know from church or the office the details of my sex wife. I don't want them thinking about my wife having sex, even if it's with me. It's private. For women, going to talk to a counselor seems like a solution. They like to talk about their marriage. more talking seems like the solution. But is there any good evidence that marriage counseling decreases the chances of divorce? Especially secular counseling where saving the marriage may not even be the objective. Add to that the fact that clinical psychologists tend to have higher suicide rates than many other professions. I also knew a middle aged wife who left his God-fearing wife for a woman about the same age with almost the exact same name and the same number of kids as they had. I wouldn't be against going to a pastor I could trust whose philosophy of marriage resonated with me, but unless I had a close relationship with him, I'd probably only want to go to formal counseling if the problem were pretty serious.

I talked to a psychology professor once and he said that the counseling thing was only popular in individualistic countries. I guess the rest of the world actually talks about this stuff with their family members and get advice. It's good to have Christians you are close to talking into your life about these things. Maybe if your husband had that, and were being discipled by men who also focused on marriage, it could help him, too.

They say divorce rates between evangelical church people and the world aren't all that different. But I've read that far less than 1% of Christian marriages where the husband and wife pray together end in divorce.

 

[John_agape]

Hi Tamie. It is really difficult to deal with relationship problems if one partner refuses to discuss their feelings. I don't believe your husband is open when he says he doesn't love you anymore. He sounds avoidant.

Has your husband shown any signs of being controlling earlier in your marriage? Controlling people are usually charming in the beginning, and later, even years later they start to change their behavior. Sometimes this happens suddenly, other times there is a gradual increase in the controlling behavior.

To me he seems to behave in an emotionally abusive controlling way.

 

[John_agape]

In our modern Western culture there is a confusion as to what "love" is.

It seems usual to confuse infatuation with love. Infatuation is an immature form of love. When we "fall out of love" it is in reality that we fall out of infatuation. It is then that the deeper love takes over.

If this is a part of his problem, then he needs to deal with his attitude. I think this problem of mixing infatuation with love is an attitude issue, not about feelings.

 

[Lucy68]

Sorry you're hurting! Sounds like he wants the benefits of the relationship without taking any responsibility himself for it. He's acting like it's all about him. He has a God-given responsibility to treat you like a wife...not just as an acquaintance with come benefits.

You're right...there's no way you're ever going to be content in this type of relationship. It isn't the way God views marriage at all. Your husband is going to continue to expect you to do everything for him but will not reciprocate in any form, if you allow it. Sure, spouses are expected to sacrifice for each other BUT we are also expected to confront problems when they exist, not just ignore them. Because if we ignore them, they will fester, and life for everyone in the household will be made miserable.

If I was in this situation, I would make it plain that we either live as husband and wife and work on that commitment together...or he should go elsewhere. Do you have the financial resources to go it alone for awhile? This doesn't necessarily mean divorce but it is laying it out plainly...and then let him have the choice whether to return as a husband, or not return at all.

This is hard I know. You need to mentally and emotionally know that you can exist and grow in the Lord without a man around. Your 'main man' will be Christ. As you pray and meditate on God's Word, the Holy Spirit will give you heart-healing plus direction and reveal to you His ultimate will for you life. Your husband may come to his senses, or he may not. But you will still be a good place...mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I say physically because all of this strife and stress and not knowing what's going on with him is taking a huge toll on your body also. And probably on the children also.

Praying for you....comfort, strength, guidance from the Holy Spirit...may He guide you in this difficult situation.

 

[TamieTrue]

Yes he is very strong willed and self centered to a large degree. I have always known this, although he was incredibly charming in the beginning for a very long time. The charm ended about the same time he became more distant.

I almost feel like he resents me and is punishing me for loving him. He resents having a responsibility to me so if I have a need he goes out of the way to not fill it. I guess he is pushing me away. I know he struggles with perpetual dissatisfaction nothing has ever been enough for him.
Used to I waited on him hand and foot, cooked all his favorite meals spoiled him rotten no less...and it was reciprocated not to the extreme but in so many ways. One of his favorite things was to lay in bed late at night and let me hand feed him his midnight snack...he would just glow and bask in it. I know it sounds ridiculous but I enjoyed making him so happy...I still do I thrive in it. But one day suddenly he didn't like anything i cooked anymore and didn't want his snack didn't want or need me to do anything for him and when I did there were constant complaints it was never good enough. After so long of that I just gave up trying it crushed me to every time fail in his eyes. I became and am incredibly insecure now. 13 years later and 2 more kids I am only 10 lbs heavier but it feels like 200. When I try to verbalize to him what I need he tells me I shouldnt have all my eggs in one basket I should be getting this stuff from my girl friends...Its things a wife can and should only get from her husband...I don't understand it.

Maybe he is afraid he is failing me as a man or is going to and is pushing me away to protect me. I don't know. I know he is going through something internal I don't think physical, although he is physically affected by it. But he wont open up and share it with me anymore. I wonder if sometimes he thought my love was strong enough to save him from his self. But when it still wasn't enough he became angry with me, blaming me for his unhappiness. Looking for the next fix to his brokenness. The life that will make him happy.

He led and incredibly irresponsible self destructive first 30 years of his life. Where he bounced back in forth between God and addiction Jekyll & Hyde. I met him straight out of Bible College. I have never seen the light of God shine in anyone as it did in him.
That light dissipated at the same time he began to change....I miss it more then anything I can describe. When I spoke to my mother in law about it she said the light wasn't coming from him it was God calling him through me. I couldn't believe she didn't see it in him. Total strangers would walk up to him in the most unconventional places and tell him God Working through you ... you are touched, to this day it bring me to tears thinking about it. But even though we still pray, go to church talk about God and scripture the lights not there its like he in going through the motions. He knows all the words but they don't sing to him anymore. It kills me I don't know if I miss him my best friend more or seeing God's Glory in his eyes.

I don't know anymore sometimes I think I am holding him back from whatever it is that will make him happy. We have six beautiful children that we adore and adore us he went from an in and out dad who saw his kids once a month to them all living with us...it was something he had wanted so long and we made it happen. When he is happy we have a very leave it to beaver life, our children thrive in it, I thrive in it. But his discontent eats away at it.

I don't know I wont leave him, I don't think it's what God wants of me and I think it sends the wrong message to the children. But if he wants to go I want him to decide and let me go on. Instead of this horrible holding pattern that is destroying me. I love him so much. And I know he has a deep need for the life we have together with the kids I fear he will leave then just step in and out of my life for eternity getting his fix of our life then off to the next thing and then back again. I am afraid of him leaving I am afraid of him staying. I pray on it daily and the messages I get from God are stay put for now...be patient...but I am weak as God intends it and the pain is more then I can stand some days. I wish I could see what it is I am waiting for but I have faith in Gods plan...I just pray I am not living in a delusion I should have walked away from long long ago...Pray God give me strength to do your will and bidding and comfort me when I am weak.

Thank you all for your advice and prayers...I need all I can get.

 

[MrMike85]

confuses me too how much a man should love his wife, considering we should love God above all else.

 

[faroukfarouk]

PS: I also think that so often going to Bible college, while people might learn something of the Bible, which is good, they also can sometimes either by other people be 'put on a pedestal' or else put themselves there.

The later, resultant bump back to reality can cause a lot of heartache, where congregations and families who expect maturity discover that Christian character cannot achieve maturity overnight; but this is more likely to happen over a period of years in fellowship with a cross-section of fellow believers in a local church from all walks of life.

So sometimes it's not so much a Jeckyll and Hyde thing, as it may be the fact that the person never really matured at Bible college, but had so many expectations piled upon him or her.

(Speaking generally now.)

I also think divorce is not the panacea of all ills (whatever lawyers and psychologists might say from time to time).

 

[TamieTrue]

Your right Frank, he is very uppity about it and he talks about not being the missionary he thought he would be.
He broke down one night in tears talking about his greatest fears is this recurrent dream that he is walking into the jungle ( a missionary) and he looks back and realizes I am not going with him. I told him I loved him and I didn't know if that was the purpose God had for me or not...but if not I would always be there awaiting his return. As I look back maybe that wasn't the right answer. Maybe I should have assured him I would, but I was being honest.

My place is to follow his lead...but how can I trust his lead with all I see?

I just don't know anymore...maybe if I could find that Surrender and Faith it would save my marriage.

 

[TamieTrue]

Sorry not Frank But FaroukFarouk

 

[Lucy68]

What a tough situation. Do you think he feels like God let him down and is now bitter and resentful? Bitterness can be so destructive.

You have a lot of strength! He is very blessed to have you for his wife .

 

[damombomb]

Hi Tamie, you said he was blowing a lot of money. Is he possibly gambling it away and feeling condemnation?

 

[TamieTrue]

Lucy I do think sometimes he is angry at God, he came to God reached out for help and still the discontent returns.
Sometimes I think he is ashamed he is not the man he thought God intended him to be the great missionary and pastor That saves so many souls. He feels he failed God and as a man. By not full filling that dream.

He used to tell me ( when we talked) his "stuff" wasn't about me not to take it personal. I understood that but it still left me lonely. But not it's all my fault...I try to stay rational think it through...read between the lines of all the unspoken and take the harsh words with a grain of salt...Some days I do better then others. I have to find a way to be patient and understanding without being his door mat.

Praying...

 

[John_agape]

Hi Tamie. I would like to be the great missionary and pastor that saves so many souls. However God had another plan for my wife and me.

He closed the doors for me and my plans and opened doors for my wife. Now we have a ministry helping unmarried mothers who have been in abusive relationships. This is something that I cannot be too active in. I do not think I, as a man, should be involved in ministering to vulnerable young women.

So I am in the background supporting my wife. She needs comfort, encouragement, prayer and spiritual strength to do the work she is doing. We sometimes have disagreements, where I feel she is too soft, but she is at the front lines and I am the support, so she knows better than me how they are developing and growing. So even if I disagree with her, I support her.

I believe this is God's will for us, and if God thinks I should be the big boss then I believe we would not be dealing with vulnerable young women.

 

[TamieTrue]

I tried talking to My husband about that John. We have six children When I met Him I had one and was 32. God intended us this family and these children we are incredibly blessed. We may be the gate way to all the saved souls he longed for laying the ground work for much good in one of them. Out of the six children one of them has the light and longing like his father he is 11 now. I truly feel God placed me here for all these children and there is something they need to learn from the two of us as a team. I am a care giver by nature, a nurse by trade. I would love to be out helping anyone and everyone...but I feel I am doing that with each hand hold, when I take time to listen, a prayer and hug to those that feel so scared and alone. I feel God places me in situations where someone needs that encouragement and tenderness...it fulfills me and I feel Gods love in me when it happens. I am truly blessed.
My husband has a defined image in his mind as what it should be. We love John Piper and we read all the stories of the greats be it William Carey or George [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Müller. I think in my husbands mind if its not like that he is not doing his part. He worked for a time at a homeless mission in Nashville found a lot of reward in it but he lacked the temperament or patience for the bureaucracy of it all. I believe him to be insecure to a great degree hidden by his facade of arrogance and becomes wounded and personally wronged when things or people dont do what he wants...this doesn't go over well in most environments.

I don't know I can help guide him but he has to take the steps...I have to find away to not be so hurt by it all is the bottom line. Regardless of whether he stays or leaves me and the kids I have to survive...I have to continue whatever Gods purpose for me is. When I am hurt, depressed and wounded everything get worse for everyone...and my detachment from it going through the motions is only making it worse. I do love him dearly but I can't make him want me too. That's all in Gods hands.

I just don't know how to do it... praying



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[John_agape]

When we don't know what to do then we need to pray. I'm praying for you, for wisdom, peace and patience.