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I am not only new to this forum but to any forum so I am a little uncomfortable putting my feelings on display, I am also extremely uncomfortable dishonoring my husband in any way, even if none of you know him, however, I need help understanding what is happening and how to allow myself to be healed. I know that God's desire is to heal me but that does not mean that I know how to get past this crushing and at times crippling pain I feel most of the time.
My husband, "jim" and I met (God brought us together) in 2006 and married in 2007. this is a second marriage for both of us as both of our 1st marriages failed (after he came to know Christ and before I did) due to infidelity on our respective spouses part. There are children (older) involved on both sides and we have blended our families well. We had always been very supportive of each others needs and wants and we always put the other ahead of ourselves.
approximately 1 1/2 to 2 years ago a couple at our church, not friends but we knew each other in passing, came to us asking for advice on a marital/financial issue they were having. "Sue"(a licensed minister) approached jim (also a lisenced minister) and "bob" approached me. I advised bob as best I could but told him that it would probably be best if he spoke to my husband and that sue should probably come talk to me, or we could all meet as couples. We all decided to meet as couples and Jim and I would try to help them as best we could through the leading of the Holy Spirit. We soon became close friends as families. Sharing family time together, holidays, dinners at each others houses, times in fellowship, etc. Jim and I are leaders in a ministry at our church and attend several bible studies. Sue and Bob soon joined in the ministry and began attending the bible studies we were attending as well. Like I said we became very close, sue quickly became my "best Friend" I confided in her about many things, but I began to sense that there was something not quite right about our relationship. I began to notice that Sue was passively demanding of our time and seemed to resent times that Jim and I wanted to spend without them. I spoke to jim about this and he said he saw the same.
Soon I began to notice that, although we were friends as couples Sue began seeking more from Jim than I felt comfortable with. She felt that God had somehow brought Jim to her as some sort of special friend to fill a void she had been feeling for some time. I also noticed that Jim was spending more and more time in communication with sue outside of our relationship as couples. Seeking God's wisdom I prayed and felt that God was showing me where this relationship between them was headed. I spoke to Jim about this as well and asked that we meet with sue and bob to discuss my feelings on the matter and see if we could come to some sort of solution for my discomfort. We met and jim, sue, and bob all agreed that my discomfort must be coming from a root of jealousy in my life and they were doing nothing wrong. They stated that they would cut back on their communication and I should pray to be freed from this jealousy issue. I was not convinced that this was the issue at all but agreed to see what happened.
Approximately a month later it became apparent that sue and jim were moving forward in their relationship and bob was now encouraging it. I again sought God's wisdom and spoke to Jim again about my uncomfortableness with the intimacy he and sue had developed. He became defensive and an argument ensued. afterwards we decided to meet with our pastor and get counsel from him. Our pastor advised jim that what he and sue were involved in was an emotional affair and it must end immediately. jim and I should meet with bob and sue and jim must end this relationship asap. he was not to go to her alone to explain but we must go together. this meeting never took place and I found out later that jim had spoken to her privately and explained things. soon a bombardment of pleas from sue to jim began begging him to keep their relationship going. she also began begging me to allow them to be in contact. Jim gave in and began responding to sue but now it became a secret with deleted text messages and secret meetings at our church. bob was aware but it was kept secret from me.
as I am certain you have all guessed by now sue and jim became physically intimate. jim confessed all to me within days of it occurring, repented and we immediately sought an elder who heads up our ministry that we all trusted, had a meeting, encouraged sue to expose all to bob as well which she did. the ministry leader advised us to cut contact for a time so we could all heal from this. we agreed. he also advised sue that any relationship between her and jim was over. period. no further contact at any time for any reason. period. sue did not listen. however, sue and bob stopped coming to all bible studies that we four attended as couples together, all church functions that we may be at as couples except for the ministry we are all involved in with us as leaders. boundaries have been set up many times and sue has disregarded all of them. jim, to the best of my knowledge has not had any contact with sue but she has continued to keep trying to reopen a relationship with me and him. that has now stopped but only because we have blocked her and her family on our phones, social media, email accounts and keep or distance at church and stay distant as best we can during ministry. Sue forced a meeting between her and I and I finally spoke Truth to her with as much Love as I could while making absolutely certain she understood that things as they were are over. period.
My problem: I do not know how to move forward in this ministry, in my marriage, in friendships with other women at my church, etc. I have forgiven the adultery but seem to be stuck in this place where the pain is. I am grieving the lost trust with my husband and the "friendship" with sue. I still love sue as my sister and my friend but do not desire a continued relationship with her and her family. I love my husband more than life, but I know my pain is hurting him and I do not know how to keep it from him. I am afraid that if I do not allow Jesus to heal my broken heart my marriage will fail. I know that I did not commit this sin, I also know that my husband has repented and is free from it in Jesus name. I cant stand seeing the guilt and shame come back on him as he lives through this pain with me. any Godly advise is welcomed.
My husband, "jim" and I met (God brought us together) in 2006 and married in 2007. this is a second marriage for both of us as both of our 1st marriages failed (after he came to know Christ and before I did) due to infidelity on our respective spouses part. There are children (older) involved on both sides and we have blended our families well. We had always been very supportive of each others needs and wants and we always put the other ahead of ourselves.
approximately 1 1/2 to 2 years ago a couple at our church, not friends but we knew each other in passing, came to us asking for advice on a marital/financial issue they were having. "Sue"(a licensed minister) approached jim (also a lisenced minister) and "bob" approached me. I advised bob as best I could but told him that it would probably be best if he spoke to my husband and that sue should probably come talk to me, or we could all meet as couples. We all decided to meet as couples and Jim and I would try to help them as best we could through the leading of the Holy Spirit. We soon became close friends as families. Sharing family time together, holidays, dinners at each others houses, times in fellowship, etc. Jim and I are leaders in a ministry at our church and attend several bible studies. Sue and Bob soon joined in the ministry and began attending the bible studies we were attending as well. Like I said we became very close, sue quickly became my "best Friend" I confided in her about many things, but I began to sense that there was something not quite right about our relationship. I began to notice that Sue was passively demanding of our time and seemed to resent times that Jim and I wanted to spend without them. I spoke to jim about this and he said he saw the same.
Soon I began to notice that, although we were friends as couples Sue began seeking more from Jim than I felt comfortable with. She felt that God had somehow brought Jim to her as some sort of special friend to fill a void she had been feeling for some time. I also noticed that Jim was spending more and more time in communication with sue outside of our relationship as couples. Seeking God's wisdom I prayed and felt that God was showing me where this relationship between them was headed. I spoke to Jim about this as well and asked that we meet with sue and bob to discuss my feelings on the matter and see if we could come to some sort of solution for my discomfort. We met and jim, sue, and bob all agreed that my discomfort must be coming from a root of jealousy in my life and they were doing nothing wrong. They stated that they would cut back on their communication and I should pray to be freed from this jealousy issue. I was not convinced that this was the issue at all but agreed to see what happened.
Approximately a month later it became apparent that sue and jim were moving forward in their relationship and bob was now encouraging it. I again sought God's wisdom and spoke to Jim again about my uncomfortableness with the intimacy he and sue had developed. He became defensive and an argument ensued. afterwards we decided to meet with our pastor and get counsel from him. Our pastor advised jim that what he and sue were involved in was an emotional affair and it must end immediately. jim and I should meet with bob and sue and jim must end this relationship asap. he was not to go to her alone to explain but we must go together. this meeting never took place and I found out later that jim had spoken to her privately and explained things. soon a bombardment of pleas from sue to jim began begging him to keep their relationship going. she also began begging me to allow them to be in contact. Jim gave in and began responding to sue but now it became a secret with deleted text messages and secret meetings at our church. bob was aware but it was kept secret from me.
as I am certain you have all guessed by now sue and jim became physically intimate. jim confessed all to me within days of it occurring, repented and we immediately sought an elder who heads up our ministry that we all trusted, had a meeting, encouraged sue to expose all to bob as well which she did. the ministry leader advised us to cut contact for a time so we could all heal from this. we agreed. he also advised sue that any relationship between her and jim was over. period. no further contact at any time for any reason. period. sue did not listen. however, sue and bob stopped coming to all bible studies that we four attended as couples together, all church functions that we may be at as couples except for the ministry we are all involved in with us as leaders. boundaries have been set up many times and sue has disregarded all of them. jim, to the best of my knowledge has not had any contact with sue but she has continued to keep trying to reopen a relationship with me and him. that has now stopped but only because we have blocked her and her family on our phones, social media, email accounts and keep or distance at church and stay distant as best we can during ministry. Sue forced a meeting between her and I and I finally spoke Truth to her with as much Love as I could while making absolutely certain she understood that things as they were are over. period.
My problem: I do not know how to move forward in this ministry, in my marriage, in friendships with other women at my church, etc. I have forgiven the adultery but seem to be stuck in this place where the pain is. I am grieving the lost trust with my husband and the "friendship" with sue. I still love sue as my sister and my friend but do not desire a continued relationship with her and her family. I love my husband more than life, but I know my pain is hurting him and I do not know how to keep it from him. I am afraid that if I do not allow Jesus to heal my broken heart my marriage will fail. I know that I did not commit this sin, I also know that my husband has repented and is free from it in Jesus name. I cant stand seeing the guilt and shame come back on him as he lives through this pain with me. any Godly advise is welcomed.
