Im struggeling with depression and anxiety for a long time. Sometimes I have good days and sometimes very bad. I feel an immense sadness and cry the whole day long. These days I also get suicidal thoughts. I feel im not even worth living. I even have to admit I feel a little abandoned by God and I feel guilty feeling this way... I do not want to lose my faith. I still pray every day and read my bible. Only my prayers are shorter, because I feel abandoned by God. Why won't he just let me enjoy my life and heal me from my depression?
Im scared to ask God for things like patience or confidence cause someone told me if you ask God for patience you will get situations that will test/develope your patience.
Im scared to ask for those things cause I feel I can not handle anything more.
(Note: Capitalization and bold words are not shouting at you, just used for emphasis, ok? :0))
First let me say this -
YOU ARE WORTH LIVING! (ok, I may be shouting in this case. :0))
Don't let that lie, because it is a
LIE, 'rule your life'. Don't let your FEELINGS dictate TRUTH to you. Because I did this for years! I was depressed since a teenager, and didn't come out of it for 30 years! I lived with 'low self-esteem' and 'worthless feelings', that I 'had nothing to offer' to anyone. It was awful, and an awful way to live. I wish it on no-one.
BUT, it is a
LIE. There is NEVER TRUTH in this thinking. The enemy would DECEIVE you into thinking this. God DOES NOT think this about you in any way, shape or form. 2Cor 10:5 became real to me. It says in part
'
and we take Captive EVERY THOUGHT and make it OBEDIENT to CHRIST'. What this means is, we don't have to accept all of our thoughts and feelings as TRUTH. Just because we are Christians, doesn't now mean that everything we think or do is from God. We still live in the flesh. Our feelings and emotions are very fickle, dependent on the day, or what someone says, or how we think about something, or if we are ill, etc., and can change tomorrow! So we cannot lay a foundation of TRUTH upon our feelings and thoughts if they are contrary to the Word of God. (This is different from 'feeling sick from the flu' or emotionally grieving the loss of someone, etc.)
So what do we do? WE are to be
TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF OUR MINDS. Romans 12:2 (esv)[SUP]2 [/SUP]Do not be conformed to this world,[SUP][a][/SUP] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
We read and STUDY the scriptures, to see what TRUTH really is. THIS is how our minds are renewed, through reading, studying and applying the scriptures to our thinking and our living, with the help of the Holy Spirit. And God helps us to build our faith in Him in the process.
This becomes our foundation. This becomes how we measure everything we think, feel, say and do.
In our earthly worldly lives, we think we are justified in feeling many things and responding certain ways. We also can think we are 'owed' a certain lifestyle, or material things, because of where we live, or what others have. But if we are Christ's, if we belong to Him, then we have forsaken all that, it is no longer our main goal or purpose; instead we find NEW LIFE in the Word. And our hope is not set on what is around us, but on HIM, and Eternity, our salvation made complete. This will put many things in perspective. It sure did for me.
You are not abandoned by God. If you are living in sin, then you separate yourself from God's approval on your life through your sin. You cannot continue to live in sin, and expect God to condone it. (not saying you are, but we must examine ourselves to see if this is true in any way.)
May I ask, are you reading your Bible every day? Because it is your life line, and mine. In it is LIFE. It reminds me every day what He says, and then I can 'take captive every thought, and make it OBEDIENT to Christ, according to the Word of TRUTH. What HE says in the word is TRUTH, not some thought or feeling that day.
Do not feel unnecessary guilt. Do not STAY in that mode - that will make you more depressed. Instead, do what you can - read your Bible, ask God to help you see the Truth in it, and start walking in the small things. First, by stating to yourself, that you are not worthless, that Christ DIED for
you, that He DOES LOVE YOU.
I would also tell you that depression can be a very deep RUT. It's like a broken record, playing the same songs over and over and over, until it's swallowed up everything in your life into some dark pit. That's what happened to me.
It can take a lot of effort, especially at first, to break the mental habit of playing that record, because it does become a habit. It takes a lot of practice to not think like that, but keep practicing. Don't accept those negative thoughts. They became my way of life, and nearly did me in.
They are LIES.
God does want you to enjoy things, within the boundaries of the Word, of course. But I learned that first, I had to submit all my thinking, my words, my actions, to Him. To His Word. Because in it there is more than happiness, there is TRUE JOY. A fellowship with Christ and relationship with the Father that is better than anything life here on earth can offer. For we are the BODY of CHRIST, and HE is our HEAD. We are all important in the Body of Christ, yet no one more than another.
YOU are part of the BODY of CHRIST! What a wonderful gift!
I too can really relate to your fear about asking for patience, etc., for fear of being tested beyond what we can handle. Let me just say, that God is not a bully, nor a tyrant. Nor some 'nasty father' waiting to smack you upside the head if you don't do things perfectly. Yes, God is not mocked, we reap what we sow. He is Sovereign. But He also sent His ONLY SON to DIE for us, when we absolutely did not deserve it!! So that we could be RECONCILED with Him, and FORGIVEN our sins! His SON SUFFERED for us, on our behalf! THAT is LOVE, my friend. A God who loves us SO MUCH desires only our good. And sometimes, that 'good' is accomplished through suffering in this life. And we can talk about that more if you like.
I understand completely your desire to be healed of depression. But also He desires to show you some things in His Word, things that would bring healing to your thought life. Truths that would lay a FIRM Foundation, that would make you STEADFAST in your doctrine and thinking - and able to fight the good fight, as Paul told Timothy. This was KEY for me. And I can testify that it is holding me in good stead.
Because if you are healed of your depression, but not transformed in your thinking, you will be open to falling into the pit of depression again. That's why it's so important that you change your thinking through the Word of God, and lay a firm foundation of TRUTH, and become STEADFAST in it.
Are my days perfect? No. But they are a lot more stable than ever in my life. I still struggle with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and my commitment to the Word is challenged at times, but I understand now. No longer do I live in a 'yo-yo' of my feelings and emotions. And God, through His Holy Spirit, helps me to understand His Word, the Scriptures. They are there for us for a reason! To reveal His great GIFT, Christ, and how we should live our lives here on earth, our temporary home. And a protection for our thinking. And so much more! God told me once while reading the scriptures - THIS is for YOU - to HELP you, because I LOVE you. Me. Us. :0)
Have HOPE, my friend. You are NOT Alone. I FELT alone for a very long time, but it was just a feeling, not TRUTH. Because we know that, as Christians, we are never truly alone. God is with me, because I am with Him, through Christ, as I walk in it. I thought I was giving up so much, but it was all an illusion, and I gained more than I can say.
Sorry this is so long, I tend to be wordy. :0) I hope some of this helps you. There is ALWAYS HOPE to be found in the Word.
