Is my marriage over ?

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presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
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#21
No, I don't think your marriage should be over, but it sounds like you two could use some help in your marriage.

Matthew 19:9 says,
[SUP]9 [/SUP]And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

I've never been violent with my wife, and I'm against violence in marriage, of course. But I don't believe you should leave your husband over this, or over him having yelled at you.

One of my relatives went to a safehouse because her husband was going through a time of mental instability, not violence, just some scary instability. As a teen, I browsed through some of the literature. One of the brochures said that once a man was violent, he would always be violent. I remember hearing that idea on a talk show, and the idea that all men were 'potential abusers.' From what I've read, none of these ideas are grounded in fact. This is the type of philosophy promoted in some domestic violence charities, often run by Feminists, and radical Feminism influences their definition and understanding of abuse and marriage. Radical Feminism has a much lower view of marriage than traditional Christian thought.

I don't believe a man who hit his wife once has to be stuck in some sort of of mode of abuse for the rest of his life, certainly not if he repents and the Holy Spirit is at work in his life, no more than I believe that a man or woman has to be stuck forever in a life of adultery, fornication, idolatry, homosexual activity, or other sins. I Corinthians 6 says "And such WERE some of you. But now ye are washed...." Also, If any man be in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things are passed away. Behold all things are become new.

Maybe you and your husband could go see a pastor or ask him to recommend a Christian who could counsel you on your marriage. Hopefully, they can give him some advice on how to interact with you in a more peaceful way.

Also, sometimes when relationships start to be characterized by yelling and not getting along, both parties get stuck in a pattern of poor communication, saying things that push the other's buttons, and things like that. As a wife, your duty is to treat your husband with respect/reverence, and to submit to him, as the Bible teaches. IMO, couples who argue frequently do so because either the husband isn't loving his wife as Christ loved the chuch and honoring her as the weaker vessel, or else because the wife is not subject to her husband and not reverencing him properly, or a combination of both. It sounds like he has some things he needs to change, but you could also consider if there are any areas where you could also improve, as a matter of introspection.

Do you have a pastor you can go to for help?
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
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#22
I think God,can change your husband, but only if your husband wants to change. And sadly, very few abusers change, because they like being in complete control, and will use violence when yelling and threatening does not work.

I will keep praying for your husband, but in order to protect yourself, carry your cell phone at all times,and have the police and a women's on shelter on speed dial at all times. If you don't have a cell phone, then get a cheap, pay as you go, phone.

I knew a woman that was being abused and left her husband with her child. She eventually divorced him, he remarried two more times, and both times got divorced for abuse.

Plus, look up Battered wife syndrome and see if it applies. It might be more urgent to get out if you suffer from this. Also, learn about the cycle of abuse and see I'd it applies. Here is a good link.

Domestic Violence Cycle of Abuse | Wheel of Abuse | Destructive Effects of The Cycle of Abuse

I believe it is God's perfect will for husbands and wives to stay together. But separation without remarriage should be a Christian option for both men and women in an abusive marriage.

And don't blame yourself for his abuse. While there may be some strategies you can implement to improve your communication, through counselling, ultimately, a man with a violent controlling temper is about him, not you!

Praying you can get help, and be safe and secure!

Really, stopping violence against women has been one of the good things modern feminists have helped raise awareness about this issue. A true Christian man should be obeying the Bible, where it says:

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, " Eph. 5:25
 
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dandilion

Guest
#23
I believe it is God's perfect will for husbands and wives to stay together. But separation without remarriage should be a Christian option for both men and women in an abusive marriage.

And don't blame yourself for his abuse. While there may be some strategies you can implement to improve your communication, through counselling, ultimately, a man with a violent controlling temper is about him, not you!

Thank you Angela , that put it all in perspective for me . I feel good about separating for awhile so he can learn how to handle his anger and we can go to marriage counseling . I have to wait until around June 15th to ask him to leave for financial reasons . I think he will be ok with it .
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
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#24
Thank you Angela , that put it all in perspective for me . I feel good about separating for awhile so he can learn how to handle his anger and we can go to marriage counseling . I have to wait until around June 15th to ask him to leave for financial reasons . I think he will be ok with it .
i Corinthians 7
[SUP]10 [/SUP]And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
[SUP]11 [/SUP]But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

'Put away' could be translated 'send away' (or 'divorce') in verse 11. In those days, men owned the home and if the wife left, she left, or if he wanted to get rid of her, he sent her away.

I can understand people advising temporary separation if you are at risk of violence. That's a situation where you remain unmarried or be reconciled to your husband. But if the problem is you just aren't getting along, separating to work on the marriage is a dangerous strategies. Lots of marriages have ended that way.

And we do have this commandment of the Lord on the issue to help you with your decisions.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
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#25
I was just looking at the abuse wheel link. I notice the use of 'he', painting the abuser as male. The wheel there could also describe a marriage of an angry, petty woman who cyclically gets angry, whose married to a 'nice guy' type husband who tries to placate her. She gets angry over some small imagined offense, picking at him until he gets angry. He tries to calm her down, foolishly placating her when he didn't really do anything wrong. She's distant. He pours on the romance. Then things are fine for a while. Then she gets PMS and gets angry over nothing again.

In this case, the husband is guilty of placating his wife and not holding his ground that she's being unreasonable, and maybe being allowed to be manipulated by her emotionally. She could conceivably be a bit emotionally abusive, even, (e.g. threaten divorce, treat him coldly, insult, etc) when she gets angry, and he could still treat her this way.

Then, she gets upset about something, goes to the website, and convinces herself that she's stuck in the abuse wheel, blames her husband, and leaves him, convicing herself that she's an abused woman. When, in reality, she's a bit abusive or they just have some disfunctional areas of their relationship.

Some people want to see all relationship problems through the lens of 'man abuses woman'. One of my concerns with the topic of abuse is that there are pastors saying if there is abuse, get out. But the definition of abuse is being expanded to include stuff like the webpage Angela just posted.

I've seen other pages on emotional abuse that listed specific behaviors like
- Name calling and insulting
- Threatening divorce

And numerous other things. If a husband or wife is calling the other insulting names, that's a serious problem in the relationship. I'd call calling our spouse 'stupid' 'idiot' or cuss words that mean more or less the same thing abusive. I'd agree with that. Threatening divorce is a horrible manipulation technique and a terrible thing to do.

But calling your spouse an abuser because you get in arguments and get angry with each other from time to time and he tries to warm you back up with a candle lit dinner... that's typical of a lot of marriages. Even decent people who've been married a long time might occasionally argue. And it's fairly normal to try to warm the other partner up. If the husband is being nice to is wife after a fight, that's a good thing. If arguments happen again some time in the future, a year, months, or weeks later, and the man gives his wife flowers or a nice dinner after that, it's not fair to label him an abuser on some kind of wheel.

The website, IMO, is a bit dangerous, especially since it doesn't list serious abusive behaviors, encouraging wives to label their husbands as abusers because they argue sometimes and then make up.
 
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S2Blessed4Stress

Guest
#26
Hello dandilion, i read your post and it was as if I wrote it myself. I am going through this exact same thing right now and I too am torn. Just like you, I too love my husband and I truly don't believe he is a bad person but he did cause me injuries throughout the years. I'm at a point now where I don't want to be around him and he's at the point where an "I'm sorry" is all I am going to get. No stress, no sleepless nights, no compassion or even difference in tone when talking to me, just a empty attitude as if he doesn't care that he hurt me and/or the belief that he was justified. It hurts so much that I'm considering walking away from a 5 year marriage. I feel like if I do that, it would be as if I'm doubting God as a healer. Although that may not be the case, it feels that way. I've been raised in the church to believe that God can do anything but fail and I've thats what I've been holding on to praying that God heal our marriage so we can stay together and grow together never to go backwards again. I never imagined I'd ever feel this way about him. It hurts so much.
 
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dandilion

Guest
#27
Thanks S2Blessed - that's exactly what I am going through . I too feel that I should not give up on him as long as God doesn't give up on him . I am struggling with this daily .
 
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Sirk

Guest
#28
First of all, if it is unsafe for you then you should get away from him. Either way you should talk to your pastor or someone in your church that handles family type issues. If he is willing to get the bottom of what is causing his anger that would be a plus. Angry outbursts and anger in general comes from a powerlessness we felt as children. Additionally, it is common for a person to marry another person that is most like the parent they had the worst relationship with. Often we continue to work out issues we had as children by choosing people like the ones we need resolution with.....if that makes any sense.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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Tennessee
#29
Years ago my first wife was quite verbally abusive and occasionally violent. Maybe you could overlook the one punch in the arm if he is otherwise a kind and faithful husband. It sounds as if you are in serious distress about this. It does sound like he has serious anger issues. If possible, I recommend a separation for a period of time and somehow this guy may need help of some sort. I believe that life is getting him down and he is taking it out on you.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#30
Count the 5 year investment in this relationship as a lost cause and move on with your life. If not, it will get steadily worse and many unhappy years will pass by. You are right in praying for your marriage. What God has joined together let no one put asunder but I am wondering if God did indeed joined the two of you together.
 
Aug 25, 2013
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#31
I need advice from those who have been married . Some of my single friends are telling me to leave my husband because he hit me . He had a temper tantrum two weeks ago because he didn't want to go to the grocery store . He yelled at me and called me names and he hit me in the arm one time .
He has been getting steadily worse over the past seven years we have been together . Mostly verbal abuse at first . Lots of angry unprovoked outbursts. Perhaps I should have left the first time he yelled at me but I loved him so much I stayed .

I have prayed for God to heal him over the past couple of weeks. He did go get a prescription for his medication and began taking it again . It didn't help much when he was on it before but it did help a little . I have had friends pray with me for God to heal him .
I'm not sure if I should leave for good or just live in separate houses for awhile . I deserve a better partner than this ! Has anyone been in this situation before ? I would love to hear from anyone out there .
Would your husband be willing to go to counseling with you? Personally, I don't think prayer will help you. You are both in this together and you both need help. Also, things may be bothering him that you are not aware of. It sounds like the both of you need some outside help, so if you have an interest in keeping the marriage alive get some professional help; and you certainly don't want to place yourself in harm's way either, so if things look dangerous then get out. Oh, and don't just choose a councilor out of the phone book. I'd recommend getting some advice from your family doctor, if you are fortunate enough to have one. Good luck.
 
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dandilion

Guest
#32
Thanks everyone for your help . Update : I found a great marriage counselor who has agreed to take us on and I was referred by a friend so I know he is a good one .

I don't know if my husband can be helped but he doesn't want to give up on this marriage so I will go to counseling with him and he must go to anger management classes himself . He knows I won't tolerate any more name calling, insults or physical abuse.
 
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dandilion

Guest
#33
Thanks for your reply tourist . I wish I could say life is getting him down and he is just taking it out on me, but life is going great for him right now. He just started a new business , a house, a wife who loves him , and two dogs who love him too . He is kind and polite and charming and funny every time he is at work or when we are with people out doing something, THEN turns into a different person on the way home , yelling and cursing and name calling .
 
J

jjtj22

Guest
#34
Hey dandelion

So glad y'all are going to counseling and that you both want to work on your marriage! You are an inspiration to us all as you are attempting to forgive him for past hurts while emphatically saying the abuse is going to stop. I pray for a breakthrough with your marriage so that y'all end up with the marriage of your dreams!
 
Aug 21, 2014
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#35
“Dear Lord, please guide this special sister during the trouble in her marriage. And her ears shall hear a word behind her saying, this is the way, walk here, when she turns to her right and when she turns to her left (see Isa. 30:21).

“Please reassure her when she sees a thousand fall on her right side and ten thousand at her left; help her to know that if she follows You, it will not happen to her (see Ps. 91:7). Hide her under your protective wings.

“Help her to find the narrow path that will lead her to life, the abundant life you have for her and for her family. Lord, I pray for a testimony that you
can use for Your glory when this troubled or broken marriage is healed and restored! We will give You all the honor and the glory. Amen.”

HopeAtLast.com
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
1,748
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#36
Hi dandelion,

I am so sorry for your pain! Sending you hugs! I don't know your full situation but I do know of an excellent marriage resource Peacefulwife's Blog | The joy of God's design for wives and marriage. This site is full of godly advice on being a wife and I have found alot of freedom and inspiration from April's blog.

Lord, I ask for peace and restoration in this sister's heart and for a healthy unified marriage. Help us both to keep our eyes on you Jesus at all times. Amen
I've had a look at that blog, and it is good. I'm a guy, but I still recommend it. Her husband also has a site, the Respected Husband. I haven't been here in a while, but there were some good things on it as well. He doesn't seem to be as active of a blogger as she is.
 
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born2behappy

Guest
#37
Dear all,
I have a similar issue. I've been married for 10 years already. My husband is a good person, but he has a problem with an alkohol. I had too...when there we no kids we used to drink and have fun and didn't see a problem at all...after the first one was born it became worse and worse...he started drinking more and more, just after work, one pint, then another and...I started joining him too...I even don't know how it happened, i started putting weight, become more and more unhappier but didn't know how to deal with it. I abandoned my community and sunday services because when i was closer to God it felt like going away from my husband. Then I knew the only solution to stop drinking was to have another child. I got pregnant the very first time and stopped drinking immediately. Then my second one was born and after a while I saw how temporal solution this was. I realized how bad the situation was when a total stranger started asking me strange questions and trying to cheer me up. And I knew I need to change something. Alcohol does not bring me and my husband closer, it makes me unhappy. So I left for christian campus to be closer to God and to face those hard situations. Being there I realized that this problem has been in our family for years. So when I got back I decided not to join my husband in drinking any more. He drinks 6 pints every day and sees no problem. I don't know how to deal with this. I grew up with my father drinking and don't want my girls to grow up in similar environment. I got married cause I could see myself with this men ageing together but I don't anymore. The only idea in my mind is to separate because I need to look after myself and my kids. My husband doesn't admit that there is a problem and I'm not 18 anymore...don't see why I should persuade him to change his lifestyle if he loves it. But I don't wanna be a part of it anymore. I didn't expect it to be so difficult.That's my sad story.
 

tnwriter

Junior Member
Oct 12, 2016
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#38
@Dandilion

Good day mam.

Does he have any disorders or other medical problems? Maybe the tone of your voice ticks him off? (nagging tone?)
Hello!
The OP's tone of voice has nothing to do with her husband beating up on her. It should not matter what she does, no one—man or woman deserves to be beaten up.
If we follow Jesus' example, He did not go around hitting and beating up on people. Clearly, the lady is in an abusive marriage, which she will have to ask God for guidance to lead her out of.
Blessings!
 

tnwriter

Junior Member
Oct 12, 2016
25
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0
#39
Thanks for your reply tourist . I wish I could say life is getting him down and he is just taking it out on me, but life is going great for him right now. He just started a new business , a house, a wife who loves him , and two dogs who love him too . He is kind and polite and charming and funny every time he is at work or when we are with people out doing something, THEN turns into a different person on the way home , yelling and cursing and name calling .
Hi Dandelion,
I'm sorry you are going through this, I pray that the Lord gives you strength and wisdom regarding what to do. I'm completely against men beating up, insulting their wives. it will soon lead to other abusive behavior. If he has not learned how to control his temper, that is his fault alone, not yours. He has to pray to God to help him with his anger issues and ask forgiveness for what he has done to you.
If the problem persists, even after counseling, it is best to separate. However, this is my take on it, you will have to make that decision.
I hope everything works out well for you,
Blessings and prayers,
Tania
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
1,748
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#40
This thread is 2 years old.
 
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