marriage advice

somebody · May 30, 2014

After 16 long years of marriage I am to the point where I want out. We married very young 16 and 19 and we've grown*apart. It happened so quickly but in all honesty neither of us wanted to get married. We thought it would be the right thing since we had a baby. Since then we've had a few more children and I've tried to put up with his lifestyle but I am too old and to busy to wait for him to grow up. Its like because he provides however he can, thats all he needs to do. In those 16 years he hasn't changed, still drinks every weekend instead of having family quality time. I've tried getting involved in the church but he's catholic and I've prefer Christian church better. He tells me that its not the right belief. So to avoid arguments I just stay home. Im not perfect myself, I have a bad temper and I've given up trying to make things work. But he wants to wait until the kids are grown before we separate, the youngest is 3. I would rather be alone than to feel alone with him. Ive prayed about our situation for years and nothing has changed. I think i should just accept that maybe Jesus wants me to live this way, but it just hurts even more to think he would. Just writing my feelings here, I know there may be a lot of fill ins I could have left out. Thank you for your time, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

santuzza · May 30, 2014

Go to Christian marriage counseling. If your husband will not go, go alone. We can't possibly advise you here on this forum as you need one-on-one time with a strong Christian to help you sort it all out. There are simply too many details needed to help you out here.

damombomb · May 30, 2014

Do you love him? My Aunt and Uncle have been married for over 40 years and she was 16. My Uncle is now a preacher.
They love each other now as when they first met.

somebody · May 30, 2014

No, I haven't felt love for him in a long time...if ever. I liked him when i was 16 and i doubt it ever grew to love. Marriage was like an obligation to our baby for the both of us. And just last year he told me that we don't even have a husband/wife relationship.

Patnubay · May 30, 2014

somebody said:

Girl, your problem is what I call the perfect marriage problem. You need to go to a professional. I do not see how anyone here could help you settle it. Do you know why? Here is why. Your problem is about the marriage, a union blessed by GOD... very serious. This is also about the 3 year old kid losing a home...very serious. You and your husband are decent normal couple having a normal problem where no abuse or crime is present. Go to a counselor, PLEASE, before it's too late.

Ariel82 · May 31, 2014

perhaps a different perspective?

maybe marriage isn't about if it makes YOU happy but if it makes God happy? what is positive about your marriage? do you love you kids? do you have food, a place to live, physical safety, etc?

sometimes we are so busy looking at what we don't have, we forget to thank God for the things we do have.

Your husband may not see what he is doing as wrong. I would pray and ask God to help open his eyes and give you the words to touch your husband's heart to give you both the love and support you both need to have a strong and lasting marriage.

don't let bitterness take root.

I hope your kids give you big hugs and kisses, you sound like you might need some.

Note:I agree marriage counseling would be nice, but i have found it hard to find people i trust and who have time and willing to listen for free that give godly advice. I will pray God will place someone in your life who can be that shoulder to lean on and pray with.

secularhermit · May 31, 2014

I´m sorry!

I´m another somebody and the difference is that I´m not married and surely will not marry a person so selfcentered, one who pushyly ask to be married and plays as Dick tracy trying to guess what my ideas or intentions are.
I know women often neeeds reaffirmations, tokens of love and many things some of those things I don´t need but, I would never ask a person to remove their past as we could do it wiping the windshield of a car, just to play the games Dalilah played to seized and hurt Samson (and a ransom).

There is an empty blank inside relationship, I know how black or shiny realtionships could be but I don´t trust any more than I trusted me. We she claims trust i also said that I don´t trust a demanding person when I don´t know their intentions and also confessed I don´t trust God, completely, because I don´t know Him and I don´t see Him, so i can openly talk about those things I know I have a word to say to converse.

That emptiness is seen when a conversation is largely posponed or delayed and, concerning marriage or a love bond, open conversation are needed to clearify doubts and infirmities.

Sex is not a glue for a marriage. Children are not, except for economic and legal reasons but, considering the mess outside the marriage, the lies some of us bored and liked to bear, it will be sound a chat with your spouse. You seem to be the hurt person, the loner and left alone without a fair consensus but, is there a better place outside a home and real love bonds?

There is an emotional divorce taking place in your lives... Paint cannot refurbish a house to make it a home but, is it too late to rebuild what could be made new?

Ariel82 · May 31, 2014

secular hermit, i see the words on the page but i'm confused about your message.

are you suggesting that she try and build a meaningful relationship/marriage with her husband even if they didn't have one in the past, its never to late to try and build one now?

if so I agree, she should try and make it work.

sex and children are not glue to hold a marriage together.

God is the ultimate glue and He teaches both to become one in heart and soul (not just body/sex).

marriage is more than just a social contract or a physical bond. Its a spiritual joining of two lives and hearts for the glory of God.

Kerim · May 31, 2014

Hi somebody,

As you see, I live on the other face of the planet so I may see things from different angles.

Don't you both really love your children?
If one of you doesn't, I am afraid that he or you (perhaps both) already committed a cruel crime against God's gifts.
In other words, I thank God that I came into life because of love, and not because of ANY law.
It is obvious to me that God let abortion be possible for human beings so that any of the coming babies won't join the world as if he/she is born from a wild animal in a jungle. It is always a crime against a born baby if there is not even ONE LOVING PERSON in the world who is waiting for him/her and ready to sell all he has in order to take care of the new comer as long as he lives.

If you really love your children, you would have no time to be bored and feel lonely and as long you look after them you see/feel yourself as young as they are.

About your husband, do you think any other woman can change him? I personally don't think there is one (perhaps artificially and for a very short time only... you know

). I mean please don't feel weak or guilty for not being able to change anything in him. Do you think anyone in the world can change anything real in you?
Here comes into play the Spirit of true Love.

When two free independent persons accept each other as they are (to no limit), they gradually find out how to grow their mutual life in continuous peace and joy despite all daily troubles.

A final note, since your husband love your children it is a clear sign he does love you too (even more than before) but at the same time he likely used fearing your well-defined personality and I bet he is confused now about how to let you know... he really hates losing you.

somebody · May 31, 2014

Thanks everybody. Reading all of these posts makes me think that maybe I'm the one who needs prayer. I've given up trying to keep this a marriage. But I truly am tired of being the one who actually put in the effort, now we just exist.

Ariel82 · May 31, 2014

i think we always all need prayer. we should never be ashamed to pray and ask others to pray with and for us. it helps us build our relationship with God and our brothers and sisters in Christ.

lauram · May 31, 2014

somebody said:

Have you asked him for really specific things like, 'could we go out alone to dinner this friday'? Maybe just saying youre not satisfied and that you feel lonely doesn't give him the guidance he needs to know how to make you happy. Maybe if you could think of real specific requests and start dropping them in there to get your needs met you could remake the relationship, refall in love and all that? I can think of some stuff you could try, emails here and there expressing your love or appreciation for something hes done for you, a text here and there, ... I don't know all you have tried yet though! I feel like your lack of feelings has a real chance of turning around if you could connect with him on that level...

Billyd · May 31, 2014

somebody said:

Something about your spiritual relationship bothers me. You said "that you prefer a Christian Church, but he is Catholic. He tells you that it's not the right belief". I'm a Fundamentalist Christian, and I believe strongly in regular (weekly) family worship with other families. I also believe in daily family worship. (We practice both) If your husband tells you not to go to church, and he will allow you to go, please take your children to church. I know many devout Christian families that are there because one parent chose to become a practicing Christian. I have a friend of nearly fifty years that only entered a church for funerals and weddings. His wife attended and his children grew up there. Five years ago he called me and asked me to pick him up and take him to church. He went in and sat down beside his wife. That day he gave his life to Christ because of the example of his wife's patience and love. If he will not allow you to attend church, you still must ensure that your children have a Christian home. That will be the most difficult challenge of your life. CC has many people who will pray for your family. Just ask.

May God richly bless you and your family.

Lord God, I pray for this young family in this time of troubles. Take each member into your warm and loving care, and guide their restoration. I pray it the precious and loving name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Amen.

tourist · May 31, 2014

somebody said:

I feel so sad for you. Maybe, instead of ending each day being angry and hurt you both could try and read to each other an uplifting scripture. You seem to be in a very hard situation dear and I feel that your husband may be as sad and lonely as you are. I believe that God is more than capable of placing a deep love in your marriage for each other. You also need a good friend to talk to who is unbiased. I have said a prayer for you. All I can offer from first hand experience is that the love that either of you may feel for each other must come from God. His love is a deep, enduring abiding love and it would be an absolute shame if your marriage never will have this. That would be even sadder still.

MrHonest · May 31, 2014

God blesses us with choices and He permits us to have what we choose and as believers who seek Him daily in faith and in works (by working with yourself, children, or others to make The Word of God an example) He will direct us by whatever we ask. Remember you're only in control of so much in this relstionship with your husband and it sounds like you have opportjnities to take yourself and your kids to a Biblically sound church.

Your husband seems fond of his persknaly family values by protecting what his parents raised him to believe.

Your marriage sounds difficult but its not something impossible for God to repair. You want God involved and in order to have that you have to plant the seeds in your life by walking closer to God by His Word. Seriously churches are made for this typenof situation: to help the faithful family of Christ. Don't take our word for it: read your Bible and pray often tell God you NEED Him and show it.

I will pray for you. In Jesus' name God bless you.

tourist · May 31, 2014

Billyd said:

Something about your spiritual relationship bothers me. You said "that you prefer a Christian Church, but he is Catholic. He tells you that it's not the right belief". I'm a Fundamentalist Christian, and I believe strongly in regular (weekly) family worship with other families. I also believe in daily family worship. (We practice both) If your husband tells you not to go to church, and he will allow you to go, please take your children to church. I know many devout Christian families that are there because one parent chose to become a practicing Christian. I have a friend of nearly fifty years that only entered a church for funerals and weddings. His wife attended and his children grew up there. Five years ago he called me and asked me to pick him up and take him to church. He went in and sat down beside his wife. That day he gave his life to Christ because of the example of his wife's patience and love. If he will not allow you to attend church, you still must ensure that your children have a Christian home. That will be the most difficult challenge of your life. CC has many people who will pray for your family. Just ask.

May God richly bless you and your family.

Lord God, I pray for this young family in this time of troubles. Take each member into your warm and loving care, and guide their restoration. I pray it the precious and loving name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Amen.

You have offered to that woman sound biblical advice. I know that even Jesus said that no one is good on this earth as this type of goodness comes from God but it my estimation you are a good man.

faroukfarouk · May 31, 2014

It's always best to offer family advice from Scripture, yes.

somebody · May 31, 2014

Then I should start with asking for prayer for me. I feel it a daunting task to continue in a marriage that neither of us wants. But I need prayers for strength and wisdom and patience because I will never understand how or why we ever ended up together. Prayers for a change of heart because I don't want a love that a married couple share. Im more open to the idea of living out the rest of my life single and focusing on my children. Thank you all for the kind words and plenty to think about. Thank you for the prayers and your time.

Bonita123 · Aug 21, 2014

“Dear Lord, please guide this special sister during the trouble in her marriage. And her ears shall hear a word behind her saying, this is the way, walk here, when she turns to her right and when she turns to her left (see Isa. 30:21).

“Please reassure her when she sees a thousand fall on her right side and ten thousand at her left; help her to know that if she follows You, it will not happen to her (see Ps. 91:7). Hide her under your protective wings.

“Help her to find the narrow path that will lead her to life, the abundant life you have for her and for her family. Lord, I pray for a testimony that you can use for Your glory when this troubled or broken marriage is healed and restored! We will give You all the honor and the glory. Amen.”
HopeAtLast.com please go here I did and God restored my Marriage

Joidevivre · Aug 21, 2014

Your husband has already given you the reason he wants to stay married - the kids. You might join him in that purpose and together work out ways in which the both of you can give them the values they need, affirmation, and your presence in special ways. Believe me, it is so worth it to have a good reason like this.

Marriage is not about someone meeting your needs, it is about you developing the fruits of the Holy Spirit such as forgiveness, long-suffering, patience, and allowing your character to be formed into the image of Christ. When you drop your expectations of what the other person should do or be or give you, you are really freeing yourself. And the other person's spirit feels lighter and will be more responsive to you.
When you can really take the yoke of your expectations off of him, you will find so much more peace and discover how Christ will be your peace and meet your needs.

Above all, be true to yourself - go to church alone (I did for years) and take your children. I would even encourage your husband to sometimes take the children to his place of worship. It wouldn't hurt them to see the places where both of your faiths began.

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