Letting go

[BlueJay]

Hello, so I am the oldest child of my family. I'm at that point where I am soon finishing highschool and going off to college. My mom has always had a problem of letting go. She wants to make me live with her forever, she doesn't want me to live my life without her making every single choice for me, and what I mean is, she doesn't even want me going to college, she wants me to stay home and always be with her, I rarely ever get to hang out with friends and she doesn't even want me to get married in the future. She even admits that she never wants to let me go. It is ruining my life, I feel like I'm stuck in a prison. And I try obeying her and everything but as soon as I'm an adult I have to live my own life, I need to go to college to get an education, and God willing I would someday like to have my own family. She just won't ever let me go, please I need advice on how to get her to see that she will have to let me go eventually, Thankyou and God bless!

 

[Ugly]

You won't ever convince her. She's being selfish and she knows it. She simply is accepting her selfishness. The only way to deal is just act. Don't wait for permission, approval or understanding. Simply being moving forward and living your life. You can do this while maintaining contact with her, spending reasonable time with her, being loving as her daughter, but still having a balance between your life and hers. And the more time you spend catering to her the worse you make it for yourself and for her both.
She needs to be pushed into letting go and forced into finding other ways to live her own life, yet still knowing and understanding that it's not all or nothing. She can have you in her life without you being all their is. It's not mentally or emotionally healthy for either of you to continue this way. This may require some 'tough love' on your part. She'll try lots of guilt, manipulation, but you have to learn to be strong in the face of it or this pattern will never end. It won't be easy for either of you. But what's best and what's easiest are not always the same thing.

 

[Dan58]

Your mother is being selfish, by expecting you to stay a child in order to keep you home. I'd just explain to her that you've got to grow-up, get educated, and become an adult just like she did. She's probably afraid of loosing you, so just assure her that she'll always be a part of your life, but its time for you to go out and make your own way.

 

[RedTent]

I wish I had had a daughter like you! I taught kids to tie their shoe laces and after that they wouldn't let me do it for them. I told them what subjects to take in high school, and they decided for themselves. We talked their reasoning over together, but I was then told it was their decision. I've kept telling and telling them they should let me run their lives, I could do it so much better than they do it, and they just laugh at me, give me a hug, and say it is OK, Mom. Then go their own way.

Strange thing is, they do a very good job of it without doing it all as I tell them to.

 

[Billyd]

From a dad like your mom. My daughter was my baby, and I was as protective over her as your mom is over you. She made her plans, went to a college of her choice, not mine, etc. When she moved out, I thought I was going to die. Funny thing though, we are still as close as ever. I grew up just as she did. Mom will be okay. Check on her by phone or net, visit her often, and most of all send her an "I love you" card periodically. God bless you and your mom.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Hello, so I am the oldest child of my family. I'm at that point where I am soon finishing highschool and going off to college. My mom has always had a problem of letting go. She wants to make me live with her forever, she doesn't want me to live my life without her making every single choice for me, and what I mean is, she doesn't even want me going to college, she wants me to stay home and always be with her, I rarely ever get to hang out with friends and she doesn't even want me to get married in the future. She even admits that she never wants to let me go. It is ruining my life, I feel like I'm stuck in a prison. And I try obeying her and everything but as soon as I'm an adult I have to live my own life, I need to go to college to get an education, and God willing I would someday like to have my own family. She just won't ever let me go, please I need advice on how to get her to see that she will have to let me go eventually, Thankyou and God bless!

bluejay, your mother sounds incredibly selfish, and even more controlling. She is trying to monitor every aspect of your life and that is'nt right. You are 20 years old!! You're considered an adult now, not a child who has to follow mommy's rules for the rest of your life. If you go to college, most likely you will be living in a dorm anyway, not at home with mother. She will simply have to accept that reality, like it or not. She needs to wake up and realize that you are starting to have your own life now. Tell her your an adult now and while you respect her opinions, that you are able to make your own decisions now without her. You dont have to run every decision you make past her for her approval, either. Cut the apron strings and move on with your own life!!

 

[EpicLaugh3]

bluejay, your mother sounds incredibly selfish, and even more controlling. She is trying to monitor every aspect of your life and that is'nt right. You are 20 years old!! You're considered an adult now, not a child who has to follow mommy's rules for the rest of your life. If you go to college, most likely you will be living in a dorm anyway, not at home with mother. She will simply have to accept that reality, like it or not. She needs to wake up and realize that you are starting to have your own life now. Tell her your an adult now and while you respect her opinions, that you are able to make your own decisions now without her. You dont have to run every decision you make past her for her approval, either. Cut the apron strings and move on with your own life!!

Actually I'm 17, that is my old account. I made a new one because someone had that username already which made me have her information on my profile. And I know but it's hard, if I try telling her it's my life she always makes me feel guilty .

 

[presidente]

Bluejay,
I don't know if you are male or female. If you are male, it seems even more unreasonable of your mother. But you haven't graduated high school. Maybe your mother will change her mind. Does your mom make a lot of money? Is there a dad in the picture to override this idea of hers? Or is there a grandfather or influential uncle who can talk her into giving you some space?

You can say calmly and respectfully that you are growing into an adult, and that you will need to be responsible and work. It wouldn't ethical for you to sit around and mooch of your mom. And parents usually die before children. How will you care for yourself if you have no job skills? And so you could talk about continuing your education or some kind of trade or trade school. You could get a degree, study to be a CNA or a real estate agent or appraiser, or apprentice as an electrician or plumber. You need to do something. You can also tell your mom you would like her to be a part of your career planning. When I was in 11th grade, there was some kind of career aptitude test. Maybe you could find something online. Take the test. Talk about your interests and talents with your mother, and ask how you should earn a living in the future.

If she likes having you as her baby, remind her that in the next several years, you could marry and she could have some real babies, grandchildren to play with. While we may not like getting older, that could be a new enjoyable experience for her. Try to make her excited about it. Maybe you could get another relative, grandparents, involved in a discussion about your future education and career to help persuade your mom to start thinking about it, too. Maybe you could get her excited about it, proud of you about it, and all that good stuff. If she doesn't get excited about it, you could ask her if she wants you to be a Walmart cashier or an architect (or whatever other field you are interested in.)

It could be the talk about wanting to keep you home forever is her trying to be endearing, but since you want to grow up and you have the whole world in front of you, the idea of momma keeping you at home is scary, and maybe she doesn't realize the affect of her words on you.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Actually I'm 17, that is my old account. I made a new one because someone had that username already which made me have her information on my profile. And I know but it's hard, if I try telling her it's my life she always makes me feel guilty .

epiclaugh, ahhh okay. Well, its hard for parents to let their "babies" leave the nest. However your mother needs to accept the fact that one day, you WILL be going out on your own. You will be going to college, hopefully, and as I stated in my original post, probably will be living in a college dormitory. Your mom needs to remember that you will always be her daughter, but that you also have your own life to live. Sounds like she's afraid to be all by herself.

 

[Esanta]

Hello, so I am the oldest child of my family. I'm at that point where I am soon finishing highschool and going off to college. My mom has always had a problem of letting go. She wants to make me live with her forever, she doesn't want me to live my life without her making every single choice for me, and what I mean is, she doesn't even want me going to college, she wants me to stay home and always be with her, I rarely ever get to hang out with friends and she doesn't even want me to get married in the future. She even admits that she never wants to let me go. It is ruining my life, I feel like I'm stuck in a prison. And I try obeying her and everything but as soon as I'm an adult I have to live my own life, I need to go to college to get an education, and God willing I would someday like to have my own family. She just won't ever let me go, please I need advice on how to get her to see that she will have to let me go eventually, Thankyou and God bless!

Discover what made her have such a negative view of independence. Where's your father? I imagine if he left then she may fear you will do the same - imagine how that feels. As well as that, if independence and family life left her with a bitter taste, she, in her own strange way, won't want you to go through that.

But she doesn't seem to realize that your life is not destined to be the same as hers, that you aren't destined to go away or be removed from her life like I assume your father is.

She also needs to understand that you cannot be her everything: friend, company, confidant, counsellor, son, metaphorical punching bag etc etc.

People aren't born with your mother's view though, this is what you need to understand to be able to reach her. People become conditioned to have certain opinions and fears that they weren't born with, so as much as anything, although she needs to realize these things and find other people, make friends, see a shrink, get a hobby, you seem to be the stronger, more reasonable person out of the two of you, so you need to help her do those things, support her and most importantly have empathy for her. Be patient, and kind.

She needs to understand that she can be happily independent, and she also needs to understand that she'll always be your mother and college isn't a different planet away.

Imagine how she feels, then imagine what's best for her, and help her to get there with compassion and understanding on your part.

If we think only of 'I', then we resent those around us. If you are able to put yourself in your mother's shoes and empathize with her, you won't resent her; you'll understand her. In real understanding there's no resentment. When you 'become' her (imagine how she feels) then you can have affinity with her and help her forward as if it were you having her issues.

 

[tourist]

"Let it go..."

 

[EpicLaugh3]

Discover what made her have such a negative view of independence. Where's your father? I imagine if he left then she may fear you will do the same - imagine how that feels. As well as that, if independence and family life left her with a bitter taste, she, in her own strange way, won't want you to go through that.

But she doesn't seem to realize that your life is not destined to be the same as hers, that you aren't destined to go away or be removed from her life like I assume your father is.

She also needs to understand that you cannot be her everything: friend, company, confidant, counsellor, son, metaphorical punching bag etc etc.

People aren't born with your mother's view though, this is what you need to understand to be able to reach her. People become conditioned to have certain opinions and fears that they weren't born with, so as much as anything, although she needs to realize these things and find other people, make friends, see a shrink, get a hobby, you seem to be the stronger, more reasonable person out of the two of you, so you need to help her do those things, support her and most importantly have empathy for her. Be patient, and kind.

She needs to understand that she can be happily independent, and she also needs to understand that she'll always be your mother and college isn't a different planet away.

Imagine how she feels, then imagine what's best for her, and help her to get there with compassion and understanding on your part.

If we think only of 'I', then we resent those around us. If you are able to put yourself in your mother's shoes and empathize with her, you won't resent her; you'll understand her. In real understanding there's no resentment. When you 'become' her (imagine how she feels) then you can have affinity with her and help her forward as if it were you having her issues.

My father is here, he doesn't have such a big problem with letting go, he's tried convincing her that she'll have to let me go eventually, so far it hasn't really worked.

 

[John_agape]

Hi and I'm praying for your wisdom in dealing with your mother. As Esanta said it is deeper than selfish, it seems more like insecurity. Selfishness is a superficial symptom for the deeper condition that causes the symptom. Deal with the cause and the symptoms will go away.

Dealing with selfishness is difficult and is often a no-win situation. Dealing with the cause of selfishness, and in your mother's case this seems to be insecurity, is a win-win situation. It won't be easy and it will take time for your mother to feel secure, but it can end with both of you developing a healthier bond with each other.

You need patience and empathy. Assure your mother that she will always be your mother, and look for what triggers your mother's anxiety. After all insecurity and anxiety often go together.

Don't expect your mother to accept your independence. You will have to take that step yourself. It is great that your father is there for you.

You also need to get passed any guilt feelings. Your mother will probably manipulate and try and make you feel bad, but don't take that personally. The problem is with your mother's insecurity and not you.

Trust is important here. You need to ignore her guilt triggering behavior and counter it with empathy and assurance. That in time can create the trust your mother needs to overcome her anxious insecurity.

Avoid arguing and pray for patience and wisdom in how to calm her fears.