Hopeless

[Waiting_hoping]

I have no friends to talk to about my life, and I am on the verge of breaking down.

Background:
My fiancé and I have been together since I was 15 years old, I am now 21. He was my first and only. We have 2 and 3 year old adorable little boys. We have always been so strong in our relationship, we were that "perfect" couple that everyone always wondered how we did it. Respect was out number one trait we were so proud about.

I'm not happy anymore. And I am so sick of just going through the motions. I do not love this man anymore. A few years ago he cheated on me and that's where this all began. Obviously my trust was lost. We separated for about 2 weeks, his decision. He was absolutely miserable without me (and mind you, I think that's only because he had to go back to living with his parents, and I would only allow the kids to see him for a few hours, but made sure they had a stable home with me.) he came back saying all of the right things, and I let him in of course. I want more than anything for my boys to have a family, not a broken one. I want them to grow up with their mom and dad, and to have stability in their lives, something I did not. So I will always forgive him, and I will literally never walk away.

He is an amazing father, he really is. he raises the kids exactly how i want them to be raised, for the most part.

i am the "bread winner" I went to college, I work 9-5, and I am the one supporting us.

He works about 20hours a week from 4am-9am and makes minimum wage.

I have tried discussing with him calmly that it would be so great if he could look for a higher paying job with more hours, but he doesn't.

My trust for him is gone. I am always wondering, always questioning in my head everything. My respect for him is also gone. Completely. He says I have changed, and he is right... I have. I have matured to take care of this family. My priorities have completely changed. When I met him, I was dating him during a time in my life when I was angry at God and running away. I sinned, and as a result have this family I am "stuck" with now. I would NEVER change anything because of my children, they are the sweetest most well behaved loving things that has ever happened to me. But now that I want to find God again, how am I supposed to go to church while I am living in sin? How an I supposed to go back to being that girl who loved God and put him before everything in her life, while being engaged to a man who doesn't believe in God.

I am not in love with my fiancé.
I want a man who supports me, who loves God first, who respects me, and who will be a Christ following example to my children. I don't want them to think that staying home all day and playing video games and smoking and drinking is what a man does.

He won't change.
And he has made that very clear.

I don't want to leave because I refuse to let my children be raised with a broken family just because I am not happy.

But I want a house, I want a MAN, not a boy, I want a man who treats me like I deserve, and respects me, who is faithful, who has goals. And he is none of those things. When your 15 you don't think about these things. And now here I am living with the repercussions of my actions.

I guess I don't know why I'm writing this. Because I don't plan on going anywhere. Maybe just venting. I have nobody in my life to talk to about him. I pretend everything is fine, when in reality I just want to run away and take my boys with me.

So now here I am stuck in this pretend life where I have to smile and wave, with somebody I don't love.

I sound so pathetic.
I would roll my eyes at somebody else who wrote this.

 

[ScarsThatBind]

I am not one to be giving advise on this subject but I wanted to say that I am sorry you were hurt by him and I hope that God can help you figure out where to go, weather to stay with this man or not. I will surely be praying for you in this situation and your boys. Best of luck to you

 

[Waiting_hoping]

I am at the point in my life where I want to be looking at houses to buy, I want a back yard for my boys. But he has no desire or motivation to do anything. He is 24 years old and doesn't even have a drivers license. He rides a bike to work. He makes $140 a week! And here I am trying to better our lives, with this huge weight around my ankle pulling me back down. I don't mean to sound materialistic, because I am not. I don't shop or spend money on myself ever. I just want a better life for my children.

It's just sad that I find myself constantly thinking about how much better my life would be without him. But I won't leave.

I find myself mentally picturing myself with other men who are stable and have goals. And that is absolutely not okay. I am faithful, and I pride myself on that. But in my mind I am not.

Ugh!!! I don't know why I'm even writing this.

 

[Waiting_hoping]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate knowing somebody took the time to just listen.

I appreciate your prayers.
I don't know what to say, because I don't feel like God would tell me to leave if he were my husband. And because I made the decision to sleep with him, and build this life with him, I consider him my husband in every way.

 

[ScarsThatBind]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate knowing somebody took the time to just listen.

I appreciate your prayers.
I don't know what to say, because I don't feel like God would tell me to leave if he were my husband. And because I made the decision to sleep with him, and build this life with him, I consider him my husband in every way.

You are right, but honestly if it were me, I would take a big step back and write down everything you feel that he does compared to what you do. Visually let him see it.

You are much stronger than me on the relationship front. I honestly would have prayed for him but told him if he didn't straighten out in x amount of time, and if he didn't have the passion to help. He would be gone.

 

[Waiting_hoping]

If I didn't have children with him, I would 100% be gone about 3 years ago. 100%! And it is to that point where he is confronting me accusing me of not loving him, and I lie and cold heartily say I do. But I do not.

He is not a person I would chose to be with at this grown point in my life.

I don't do ultimatums because in the end it just makes the person resent you even if they do what you want. Which in turn will cause more underlying issues in the relationship.

Everyone tells me to tell him he has to man up and take care of us. But the 3 times I have tried talking to him about it he just completely gets defensive (of course) and goes off on me.

I absolutely hate and avoid confrontation at all costs, so I just put my head down and hands up and walk away.

 

[Waiting_hoping]

I refuse to share my children. And I refuse to let them be raised by him without me; or him and another woman whom I do not know. Yes he is a good dad now, but that is due to the fact that he has no choice when living with us.

If I could take my children and run away while they are still too young to remember him I so would. But I am not that kind of person. I fantasize about him just leaving and wanting nothing to do with the kids so I could be free and find them a Christ following man to be that father figure while they are still to young to remember him.

But that would never happen because he truly loves them. And it's wrong of me to think like that, but I can't help it.

 

[ScarsThatBind]

If I didn't have children with him, I would 100% be gone about 3 years ago. 100%! And it is to that point where he is confronting me accusing me of not loving him, and I lie and cold heartily say I do. But I do not.

He is not a person I would chose to be with at this grown point in my life.

I don't do ultimatums because in the end it just makes the person resent you even if they do what you want. Which in turn will cause more underlying issues in the relationship.

Everyone tells me to tell him he has to man up and take care of us. But the 3 times I have tried talking to him about it he just completely gets defensive (of course) and goes off on me.

I absolutely hate and avoid confrontation at all costs, so I just put my head down and hands up and walk away.

It sounds like he does not have your children you your best interest at heart. It sounds like he would much rather skate by on life than do what he should be doing. It seems to me that he is not a courageous man, like he still has a lot of maturing and growing up to do. I won;t say that God doesn't want you to be with this guy but I will say that God calls men to be much much more than where he is at right now. I believe every woman deserves to be with a man who is her equal.

Also, it is not good for the children to be around this volatile situation, the arguing and as much of a good father he may be it doesn't sound like he would make a good husband at this point in your life. I would for sure hold off any vows until he gets his act together or you choose a different path.

Again, just my opinion.

 

[Waiting_hoping]

And I completely agree with you. For the record, there is no arguing in front of the children, EVER. Ever ever ever. As far as they know we are a happy mommy and daddy in love with each other and life. And when we do "argue" it's typically just discussing because i am not a confrontational person.

I know I deserve to be with somebody better, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

And you have it right, he just skates by with the absolute minimum he has to do and is fine with that.

It's so frustrating to live like this.
It's killing my soul,

 

[JustAnotherUser]

Also, it is not good for the children to be around this volatile situation, the arguing and as much of a good father he may be it doesn't sound like he would make a good husband at this point in your life. I would for sure hold off any vows until he gets his act together or you choose a different path.

Again, just my opinion.

You put it a lot better than what I would intend to put. While I'm not in any similar shoes in any way, but it does sound like the fiance wants to put minimum effort and thinks that it can be smooth sailing. That's not how it works. Giving "chances" and due dates will only make them motivated enough to complete that simple task until they think deep down that they can go back to their old habits and nothing will happen. The kids may not know this about him now but once they get older and see what type of role model they have then it will affect them in various of ways. That has to be thought about.

It does sound like a tough situation to be in and I hope you end up doing what's best for you and your kids. You know the guy manipulates and isn't setting his priorities straight and you need to think about how that will affect the kids. He doesn't have to improve for your sake but for them and if he turns that down then I say head out the door. Don't worry what the outside world will think.

 

[ScarsThatBind]

That's great of you to not have those talks in front of your kids!
I hope you find a solution to these things quickly and I will pray for him to find new understanding and peaceful ground with you as he hopefully works to better himself, for himself, your children and you. That once he accomplishes those goals that you will find new love for him and work on a happy marriage.

 

[ScarsThatBind]

You put it a lot better than what I would intend to put. While I'm not in any similar shoes in any way, but it does sound like the fiance wants to put minimum effort and thinks that it can be smooth sailing. That's not how it works. Giving "chances" and due dates will only make them motivated enough to complete that simple task until they think deep down that they can go back to their old habits and nothing will happen. The kids may not know this about him now but once they get older and see what type of role model they have then it will affect them in various of ways. That has to be thought about.

It does sound like a tough situation to be in and I hope you end up doing what's best for you and your kids. You know the guy manipulates and isn't setting his priorities straight and you need to think about how that will affect the kids. He doesn't have to improve for your sake but for them and if he turns that down then I say head out the door. Don't worry what the outside world will think.

This though!

ALLLLLL of this.

 

[Dan58]

We all live by our decisions. You sound confused, he's the same person he's always been, so its you who's changed. I think you put the cart before the horse and made some life altering decisions before you were very mature, but some things can't be undone. Now you want something else, someone better, but your locked into a relationship with the father of your children. It would have been wise to get married first and get to know each other prior to having kids, but I guess that's all water under the bridge now. Its not hopeless, its just that you no longer love your fiancee, and that's not his fault. jmo

 

[TexasNana]

Waiting_Hoping, Lifting you and your family up in prayer!

 

[Ariel82]

He may not know how to get a better job or have the heart to keep one. If he truly loves you and the kids, then I would not throw away that love.

Perhaps take him to church with you? encourage him to go back to school in order to qualify for a better paying job?

I find it interesting this double standard society has for men and women. If the man was the sole breadwinner, most people don't blink an eye.

The emotional insecurities and frustration ............

I don't really know what to say. I'll join my prayers for you and your family with others and hope God reveals His plan to you and heals your fiance so that he might be a man you can trust and respect again.

 

[blue_ladybug]

waiting, have you told him everything that you've told us here? That you're not happy, you dont love and trust him anymore, etc etc? If you arent happy, dont love him and dont trust him, then what sense would it make to marry him? You say that he has cheated on you..that in itself lowers his trustworthiness!! If you think marriage will make things better, think again!! It wont!! It has been my personal experience that once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. You and your kids deserve alot better than this guy. I'm sure he works hard to provide for you and the kids, but obviously that's not enough. I would definitely cancel the engagement altogether, be honest about your feelings with this man, and realize that even though you have kids together, you dont necessarily need to be a family in order for them to have both parents. He is NOT a good role model for them!!
Ultimately its up to you. If it were me, I would tell him how I feel and that its just not working. I would pray for him to change his ways and that God would turn him into a mature, faithful responsible man. The fact that he's made it clear that he wont change makes it obvious that he wont stop treating you like dirt either. Get out now!!

 

[tourist]

I have no friends to talk to about my life, and I am on the verge of breaking down.

Background:
My fiancé and I have been together since I was 15 years old, I am now 21. He was my first and only. We have 2 and 3 year old adorable little boys. We have always been so strong in our relationship, we were that "perfect" couple that everyone always wondered how we did it. Respect was out number one trait we were so proud about.

I'm not happy anymore. And I am so sick of just going through the motions. I do not love this man anymore. A few years ago he cheated on me and that's where this all began. Obviously my trust was lost. We separated for about 2 weeks, his decision. He was absolutely miserable without me (and mind you, I think that's only because he had to go back to living with his parents, and I would only allow the kids to see him for a few hours, but made sure they had a stable home with me.) he came back saying all of the right things, and I let him in of course. I want more than anything for my boys to have a family, not a broken one. I want them to grow up with their mom and dad, and to have stability in their lives, something I did not. So I will always forgive him, and I will literally never walk away.

He is an amazing father, he really is. he raises the kids exactly how i want them to be raised, for the most part.

i am the "bread winner" I went to college, I work 9-5, and I am the one supporting us.

He works about 20hours a week from 4am-9am and makes minimum wage.

I have tried discussing with him calmly that it would be so great if he could look for a higher paying job with more hours, but he doesn't.

My trust for him is gone. I am always wondering, always questioning in my head everything. My respect for him is also gone. Completely. He says I have changed, and he is right... I have. I have matured to take care of this family. My priorities have completely changed. When I met him, I was dating him during a time in my life when I was angry at God and running away. I sinned, and as a result have this family I am "stuck" with now. I would NEVER change anything because of my children, they are the sweetest most well behaved loving things that has ever happened to me. But now that I want to find God again, how am I supposed to go to church while I am living in sin? How an I supposed to go back to being that girl who loved God and put him before everything in her life, while being engaged to a man who doesn't believe in God.

I am not in love with my fiancé.
I want a man who supports me, who loves God first, who respects me, and who will be a Christ following example to my children. I don't want them to think that staying home all day and playing video games and smoking and drinking is what a man does.

He won't change.
And he has made that very clear.

I don't want to leave because I refuse to let my children be raised with a broken family just because I am not happy.

But I want a house, I want a MAN, not a boy, I want a man who treats me like I deserve, and respects me, who is faithful, who has goals. And he is none of those things. When your 15 you don't think about these things. And now here I am living with the repercussions of my actions.

I guess I don't know why I'm writing this. Because I don't plan on going anywhere. Maybe just venting. I have nobody in my life to talk to about him. I pretend everything is fine, when in reality I just want to run away and take my boys with me.

So now here I am stuck in this pretend life where I have to smile and wave, with somebody I don't love.

I sound so pathetic.
I would roll my eyes at somebody else who wrote this.

As you both just lived together without the commitment of marriage I would not call that a "perfect couple". Infidelity is a show stopper in a relationship and should never be tolerated. Pray for God to provide you with a loving and faithful husband. Each one of us deserves to be happy if we know and love the Lord. You met this guy when you were just a kid and did not know better. Ask the Lord to let you learn from your mistakes so that you do not repeat them in your next, and hopefully last relationship with a man. This guy needs to leave your home and you need to heal from this caustic relationship.

 

[dabodab]

Hello Waiting Hoping,

You are courageous and brave to post here and it tells me you want Christ centered counsel.

You said you want to go back to being that girl that loved God, and ask how you can go to church in your current situation.

What is stopping you? Forget your pride. Lots of peeps who become regular church goers weren't when they first showed up.

Also, you cannot expect to draw a God-loving man if you are not a God-loving woman. In all aspects of life.

So tell your fiancé you have the couch and he's welcome to join you on Sunday. And see what God will do!

 

[Angela53510]

Love is a decision, not a feeling. You have really mixed that up. You are look for a dream guy, the perfect man, and disappointed your fiancé is not that perfect man.

I wonder if you are a Christian? If you are not married to this man, why not? A Christian does not have 2 children with a man she is not married to.

You are complaining a lot, but what positive things have you done to save this marriage? Have you gone to counseling with a pastor by yourself? A lot can be done in any marriage.

God hates divorce. But of course, you are not married. I think you are as immature as your fiancé. I don't say that to be mean, but more the raving and the unrealistic expectations you have regarding this relationship.

You need to decide if you are going to marry him and become honest in the eyes of the Lord. If not, then separate. Let him see the children, work out a visitation schedule, and try and get some support.

You are in this position because you chose it. I think you need to stop cutting down this man, and take the log out of your own eye. God bless!