Boyfriend addicted to porn...should I end it with him?

[LuvPonies]

Okay so long story short, I've dated my boyfriend for almost 5 years. At two year mark, we got engaged, and two years later, almost walked down the isle...but we called it off just a week and half before the wedding. Of course that's a long story in itself, but basically for the bachelor's party, I found out his groomsmen took him to a strip club. He says he only went in for a little while and kept his head down the whole time, and then left, but we had a huge argument about it because I didn't think he was that kind of guy and he's always told me he wasn't stuck in any sexual sin. We also had communication issues...issues that ended up blowing up in our faces because he'd apparently been telling me he was okay with stuff but then going to his family and telling them what an awful controlling person I was, etc and they all thought I was this terrible person, when I had no idea he had even but upset about certain things! (Not saying I'm not at fault at ALL but I really had no idea how I had come across to him...he never told me) So anyways, it got so bad that his dad sat him down and told him not to marry me because they all didn't approve of me. (they hardly even knew me, just what he told them, and at family dinners I'm a little shy so I didn't help matters) So anyways, I had forgiven the strip club thing but I was suspicious of sexual sin, even though he told me he wasn't into that stuff. Well, he shares my Netflix account (two different houses...we are NOT in any form sexually active) and I noticed in the watched area of movies that R rated and nasty movies were showing up, that I knew I had not watched and I was certain my mom and brother (who also share my account) had not watched, either. Around me he pretends to be disgusted with sexual stuff in movies...we literally only watch certain PG-13 and usually kids movies together. So I was more suspicious. Finally, today I checked his computer history, and there was porn in the regularly visited websites list! I was still surprised, even after everything we'd been through, but I guess I'm just stuck in the "love is blind" hood I'm thinking this is the nail in the coffin of our relationship, not really because of the porn issue itself (I know a lot of guys deal with it) but because of the lies about it! What should I do?? I'm no angel, either, guys. I suffer from temptation to masturbate myself. But this is an issue I've told my boyfriend about, and I make choices to protect myself from temptation. (for instance, staying away from R rated and even some PG-13 rated movies, keeping myself busy so I'm never bored, keeping my bedroom door open to the family, etc) It's obviously an awkward issue and we've only spoken about it maybe twice, three times? But we have talked about it, and it blows my mind that though I opened up to him, he lied to me each time and said he wasn't into "that stuff". I struggle with this, because like I said, I don't want to point fingers at his sin when I have my own struggles, but at the same time, the lying and the addiction to me are marriage deal breakers. But if I DO break it off, am I really any better hoping for a guy later on that might NOT be involved with this issue? I mean is any guy NOT?? I don't want to be overly judgmental in this, but I also don't want to get married to a man I can't trust. Help....*sigh* Oh also, usually I would confide this in my mom or best friend, but I don't want them to get a tainted view of him (more than they already do) so that's why I'm here, where I don't directly know anyone. (Thank you for being here Christian Chat!!) Also, he was the one who told me about the strip club after it happened, so he did come clean, and his groomsmen stole his wallet and keys and tricked him into going to the strip club (though that doesn't excuse why he went in)

 

[Ugly]

I didn't read the whole thing. The 'wall of text' makes it hard to read.

But from what i gather here, the concept is that you shared some struggles with him, and he lied about his own struggles.

I might've given him a one time pass if you hadn't confessed to him yourself already. But the fact that you opened up and he hid his struggles kind of takes him down a notch. It can be difficult to share such things, especially to someone you are deeply involved in, but once you show an openness and faith in him to accept, if he can't expect the same from you either that's a real problem or him. Or you haven't shown yourself to be that way towards him. Judging by this it sounds like it's more on him.

As to whether to dump him, i can't say. It's not always that cut and dry. Perhaps you need to hold off any engagement plans, but not end things. It will largely depend on how he proceeds next though. If he's willing to do anything and everything to get past this, including blocks on his phone and computer and even site or key loggers that he will allow you access to and you have the password.
Also if he's prone to strip clubs putting a tracker on his phone so you can see where he is. But this is all pretty invasive and most people would have trouble accepting these terms.
But personally i'm guessing if he makes excuses like 'my friend took my keys' and hiding even when you confess, i'd be surprised if he is all that serious about quitting.

Once you know if he's willing to do everything, hold the engagement. If he's not willing to do a lot to prove himself, then move on. Keep in mind addictions are life long. He will always battle. But what should matter is his attitude and wanting to quit for himself, not for you.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

I can't tell from your post whether or not you are married. Are you married to him?

 

[tourist]

Okay so long story short, I've dated my boyfriend for almost 5 years. At two year mark, we got engaged, and two years later, almost walked down the isle...but we called it off just a week and half before the wedding. Of course that's a long story in itself, but basically for the bachelor's party, I found out his groomsmen took him to a strip club. He says he only went in for a little while and kept his head down the whole time, and then left, but we had a huge argument about it because I didn't think he was that kind of guy and he's always told me he wasn't stuck in any sexual sin.

I went to a friend's bachelor party once years ago on Orange Blossom Trail in Orlando. Anyone who is familiar with Orlando knows about the clubs on this strip. It is very much a red light district. I won't mention the club by name because I do not wish to be banned. Believe me, there was not a single guy in that place with his head down.

Look, stop asking what you should do because you already know what you must do. Lose the little creep and ask God to send a real man your way. This guy you wrote about is sick in the head. End your involvement with him immediately or he will certainly drag you down with him. Just do what I said, please. Talk to Mom, she will confirm what I have just wrote about. All guys are not like that. Trust the choice that God will make for you and that is not based on your emotions but rather your true desires.

 

[LuvPonies]

Sorry about the wall of text...I'll try to break things up this time LOL


We did not get married, but we did give the relationship another try. We are not engaged at the moment, and we've been dating like this for 7 months

Thank you for the comments ugly and tourist. I am still waiting for my boyfriend to call me. I texted him that I found the porn on his computer (he was at work) and I'm pretty sure he's off now, but no response. I'm sure he's panicking about it...he knows how I feel about this stuff. I feel bad for him but I can't let that get in the way of my decision. *sigh*

 

[PennEd]

Okay so long story short, I've dated my boyfriend for almost 5 years. At two year mark, we got engaged, and two years later, almost walked down the isle...but we called it off just a week and half before the wedding. Of course that's a long story in itself, but basically for the bachelor's party, I found out his groomsmen took him to a strip club. He says he only went in for a little while and kept his head down the whole time, and then left, but we had a huge argument about it because I didn't think he was that kind of guy and he's always told me he wasn't stuck in any sexual sin. We also had communication issues...issues that ended up blowing up in our faces because he'd apparently been telling me he was okay with stuff but then going to his family and telling them what an awful controlling person I was, etc and they all thought I was this terrible person, when I had no idea he had even but upset about certain things! (Not saying I'm not at fault at ALL but I really had no idea how I had come across to him...he never told me) So anyways, it got so bad that his dad sat him down and told him not to marry me because they all didn't approve of me. (they hardly even knew me, just what he told them, and at family dinners I'm a little shy so I didn't help matters) So anyways, I had forgiven the strip club thing but I was suspicious of sexual sin, even though he told me he wasn't into that stuff. Well, he shares my Netflix account (two different houses...we are NOT in any form sexually active) and I noticed in the watched area of movies that R rated and nasty movies were showing up, that I knew I had not watched and I was certain my mom and brother (who also share my account) had not watched, either. Around me he pretends to be disgusted with sexual stuff in movies...we literally only watch certain PG-13 and usually kids movies together. So I was more suspicious. Finally, today I checked his computer history, and there was porn in the regularly visited websites list! I was still surprised, even after everything we'd been through, but I guess I'm just stuck in the "love is blind" hood I'm thinking this is the nail in the coffin of our relationship, not really because of the porn issue itself (I know a lot of guys deal with it) but because of the lies about it! What should I do?? I'm no angel, either, guys. I suffer from temptation to masturbate myself. But this is an issue I've told my boyfriend about, and I make choices to protect myself from temptation. (for instance, staying away from R rated and even some PG-13 rated movies, keeping myself busy so I'm never bored, keeping my bedroom door open to the family, etc) It's obviously an awkward issue and we've only spoken about it maybe twice, three times? But we have talked about it, and it blows my mind that though I opened up to him, he lied to me each time and said he wasn't into "that stuff". I struggle with this, because like I said, I don't want to point fingers at his sin when I have my own struggles, but at the same time, the lying and the addiction to me are marriage deal breakers. But if I DO break it off, am I really any better hoping for a guy later on that might NOT be involved with this issue? I mean is any guy NOT?? I don't want to be overly judgmental in this, but I also don't want to get married to a man I can't trust. Help....*sigh* Oh also, usually I would confide this in my mom or best friend, but I don't want them to get a tainted view of him (more than they already do) so that's why I'm here, where I don't directly know anyone. (Thank you for being here Christian Chat!!) Also, he was the one who told me about the strip club after it happened, so he did come clean, and his groomsmen stole his wallet and keys and tricked him into going to the strip club (though that doesn't excuse why he went in)

I thank the Lord my wife showed me grace with sins I struggled with. Our marriage has never been stronger, happy, or better. I can tell you the struggle with sex, and masturbation, and porn are vastly different between the sexes. "A man heats up like a light bulb, a woman like an iron". I don't know anything about you or your fiance, or what decision you should make. I'll just reiterate I am eternally grateful for the grace I have been shown.

 

[LuvPonies]

Thank you, PennEd

 

[Nocturnus]

Grace is one thing; being taken advantage of is another. the guy should have been forthcoming to begin with, especially if he's a Christian. God tells us to confess our sins; this includes addictions of this sort. I didn't say that it's easy; I said it's the right thing to do according to God's word.
After confessing it was his responsibility to get help if necessary, a responsibility that should have been taken seriously. If that's not happening or shows no sign of happening whatsoever, then my suggestion is to hit the road, because quite frankly, I don't see how in the world he could possibly say he cares and show it like this. Even if we were to take the whole concept of sexual immorality and sin out of the equation it's a selfish indulgence if the other person in the relationship has expressed displeasure at the very thought.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

OK. My advice then, given his intractable moral problem with pornography which he most likely knows is wrong and doesn't even want but continues to struggle with, if you want the relationship to develop to a point of marriage (with the understanding that it's perfectly OK to break up with him if that's what you decide as you are NOT married to him) is to first educate yourself with respect to codependence.

This will give you a godly position from which to operate from regarding his problem (I'm not suggesting you are not a godly person here). Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. A few months in a codependent 'Celebrate Recovery' group will expose you to women in relationships with men who have issues with sexual immorality and teach you how to effectively deal with that.

And why wouldn't you expend the time and energy to gain that competency and comprehension if you're going to marry one of them?

It is from that position of strength, support, and understanding that you can begin to non-codependently insist that he join the men's group for men who struggle with sexual immorality in their lives as a prerequisite for continuing your relationship together without fighting, manipulating, or acting codependently toward him or his problem.

I'll just leave it there. That's my advice.

We did not get married, but we did give the relationship another try.

 

[LuvPonies]

Yes, like I said the part that really upsets me is how he led me to believe that he abhorred things of this nature...and yet he's steeped in it behind my back! He finally texted me back and he's unfortunately making light of it...calling me sweetie and saying he "feels horrible about that" (referring to the text I sent about finding porn on his computer) Then again, I'm not sure how I wanted him to respond...I have no idea how I would respond, if I were in his shoes

 

[LuvPonies]

hmm...AgeofKnowledge, you're right, I need to read up more on codependence...my mom has mentioned that to me before, while my boyfriend and I were having our family and communication issues. We'd started to get past those issues as a couple...

A lot of my boyfriend's issues did indeed come from his unsaved parents...most especially a controlling mother and sister, and a passive aggressive father. He was also, at least in my opinion from what he describes, spanked in anger and as a result got abused by his father and is afraid of him...and also his father taught him not to cry or show emotion. I have tried to understand these things about his past, and it helped me get past the issues we had so far. I do understand what life he has come from, and what healing needs to take place by God a a result.

However, my mom was in the same boat. She married a man steeped in alcoholism and pornography and she told me she also was told about codependence in counseling while they were trying to work things out. But understanding the why does not change the fact that he was addicted, and eventually his emotional and physical abuse as a result of his addictions ended the marriage. Mom said she felt pity for him and loved him, so she married him despite his addictions. It didn't work for her, and I don't want that same thing to ruin my marriage or my future kids' lives. I might love my boyfriend and want to marry him, but that doesn't mean I can take pity and keep dredging through this relationship when there are red flags flashing everywhere. I have a past, too, mainly because of my dad, but I was also sexually abused by a high schooler when I was only about 5 years old. (probably why I suffer from sexual sin myself) But I admit it, confess it,and ask for help with it. My boyfriend, however, is consistently lying about it.

 

[oldernotwiser]

the porn is certainly an issue, but the deception is more of a problem. the other real issue is him describing you as "controlling" suggests serious problems just over the horizon. i suggest counseling as a couple before you marry

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Some things are best prepared for in group with exposure to real world experience beforehand and not by just reading a book:

OK. My advice then, given his intractable moral problem with pornography which he most likely knows is wrong and doesn't even want but continues to struggle with, if you want the relationship to develop to a point of marriage (with the understanding that it's perfectly OK to break up with him if that's what you decide as you are NOT married to him) is to first educate yourself with respect to codependence.

This will give you a godly position from which to operate from regarding his problem (I'm not suggesting you are not a godly person here). Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. A few months in a codependent 'Celebrate Recovery' group will expose you to women in relationships with men who have issues with sexual immorality and teach you how to effectively deal with that.

And why wouldn't you expend the time and energy to gain that competency and comprehension if you're going to marry one of them?

It is from that position of strength, support, and understanding that you can begin to non-codependently insist that he join the men's group for men who struggle with sexual immorality in their lives as a prerequisite for continuing your relationship together without fighting, manipulating, or acting codependently toward him or his problem.

I'll just leave it there. That's my advice.

hmm...AgeofKnowledge, you're right, I need to read up more on codependence...my mom has mentioned that to me before, while my boyfriend and I were having our family and communication issues. We'd started to get past those issues as a couple...

A lot of my boyfriend's issues did indeed come from his unsaved parents...most especially a controlling mother and sister, and a passive aggressive father. He was also, at least in my opinion from what he describes, spanked in anger and as a result got abused by his father and is afraid of him...and also his father taught him not to cry or show emotion. I have tried to understand these things about his past, and it helped me get past the issues we had so far. I do understand what life he has come from, and what healing needs to take place by God a a result.

However, my mom was in the same boat. She married a man steeped in alcoholism and pornography and she told me she also was told about codependence in counseling while they were trying to work things out. But understanding the why does not change the fact that he was addicted, and eventually his emotional and physical abuse as a result of his addictions ended the marriage. Mom said she felt pity for him and loved him, so she married him despite his addictions. It didn't work for her, and I don't want that same thing to ruin my marriage or my future kids' lives. I might love my boyfriend and want to marry him, but that doesn't mean I can take pity and keep dredging through this relationship when there are red flags flashing everywhere. I have a past, too, mainly because of my dad, but I was also sexually abused by a high schooler when I was only about 5 years old. (probably why I suffer from sexual sin myself) But I admit it, confess it,and ask for help with it. My boyfriend, however, is consistently lying about it.

 

[LuvPonies]

We did have counseling before we were supposed to marry...we discussed a lot of things, but my boyfriend never mentioned even once any of the things that he was supposedly upset about. Neither did he mention the porn, obviously. Everything blew up after the counseling sessions were already over and the wedding was about to take place We went back to see that pastor after the wedding was called off and he was shocked at all the issues we had that had never been mentioned during the sessions!

 

[Nocturnus]

Honestly, I would have been too. I see counseling as a method by which everything gets out and you don't hold back a thing for the sake of assistance and to ease the weight off one's shoulders. IN the case of a relationship it would seem to me as the action by which two people willingly bring all their cards to the table and say, "This is what's wrong with me; this is where I have problems with you. Where do you have problems with me and what can I do to make life easier for you when it comes to said problems? What have I not been doing that you feel I should be?" And so on.
A relationship is never truly certain, never really a guaranteed success. I'm sure this is something anyone who has had a long lasting and what many would view as a successful relationship would agree with. It's the commitment of two people willing to accept each other for who and what they are and helping each other grow positively with encouragement and love and affection, which is kind of a hard thing if one person is pretending to be something they're really not or is hiding dark parts of their past, something that should not be going on if two people are engaged to be married.
If I can't trust you enough to tell you that something's wrong I honestly have no business telling you I wish to be married to you. if I can't get help to overcome my fear if necessary to trust you completely so that I can open up to you without being regularly anxious about weather or not you'll accept me as a person, how could I possibly see myself in a relationship with you full time, a relationship that requires open communication on both sides?

 

[LuvPonies]

Agreed...I brought up issues during counseling, but he never did. It's just so hard to adjust to...he's really a nice guy overall. Really kind and giving and helpful to everyone. It's so easy to forgive him because of it....give him chance after chance. But I just realized something...I bought him a lovebird (he loves birds) and he wanted to be the one to name it. We didn't know the gender at first because it's just a baby and wasn't weaned and hadn't been to the vet yet, etc. Anyways, he picked the name Jasmine for if it was a girl. I thought it was cute...until I just made the connection right now...one of the porn sites in the history list on his computer was called jazmine something! (I don't remember the full title but it was obviously a porn site) I wonder if he actually realized he was naming the bird after a porn site??! I am absolutely sickened. I sure hope it was a mistake. I can't imagine he would be that gross and vindictive as to do it on purpose...?! At least the bird turned out to be a boy anyhow. Thank God.

 

[jesus_freak116]

Sometimes you can only give so much Grace until its all out. FOrgiveness is good. My husband was never addicted to porn andi never caught him looking at other women. So that statement is a little untrue for ALL men. However, he is also a man of God and has been for a while. Anyways, enough of me...

I think a one time gift is ok. Everyone deserves a second chance, and someone to be able to confess to but it doesnt seem like either of you are comfy enough confessing with each other. And if you are having to question staying with him is the thing you should do is "right", is it not obvious that maybe you should let him go and find someone who is honest with himself and you and someone you are comfy enough confessing your wrongs as well as his to you? The Bible does say confusion is of Satan...

And from what I can tell from reading, you can do much better anyway. Are you questioning because of time period and history? Or from fear of not doing any better? There is always someone better.

With my husband, God planted a feeling that I knew was love. He showed me just what real love was, and what you are describing is not real love...

 

[TrainforGodliness]

I was introduced to pornography at a relatively young age (junior high), quickly became addicted, and struggled with it for many, many years including throughout my time as a Bible college student studying for ministry and during the first years of my marriage. I was nowhere near a constant user of pornography, but would be able to leave it in my own power for a month or two, only to weakly do it again and fall right back into heavy viewing for a week or two. Wash, rinse, repeat. For YEARS.

I knew it was wrong. I had great shame and guilt. I "wanted" to stop. Please notice my quotation marks. What I really wanted was for the shame and the guilt to stop so that I could continue to look at pornography with a clear conscience. I wanted to be right with my wife and with God without changing my behavior. Essentially, I didn't want to change, I wanted everyone around me to change. It took a massive spiritual wake up call for my sinful pattern to be broken for good.

If any person is relying on Jesus Christ for their salvation, then they are free from every kind of bondage and any sin that they continue to engage is a CHOICE. Listen to me- your boyfriend is choosing pornography over honoring God and over honoring you. He is making that choice repeatedly. The power of sin was broken on the cross, so if he is in Christ he is neither powerless nor in bondage.

My wife showed me exceptional grace and we now have a terrific relationship as a result. I can assure you, however, that had she known what she was in for she would NOT have married me. She MAY have agreed to wait until my spiritual wake up call arrived, but there is NO WAY she would have knowingly subjected herself to being passed over in favor of other women (pornography) time after time after time.

There is no battle for your boyfriend to fight. That war has already been won. Either he loves God and loves you and will start making that choice, or he will keep looking at porn and keep hoping that you and God decide to accept it and relieve him of any shame and guilt that he may feel.

Now is the time for YOUR choice. You can wait for him to be spiritually awakened (hoping for the best), or you can go and find another man who already knows the power of God and chooses to honor God and you every day and have no fear about what the future holds.

 

[Nocturnus]

Amen. That was a well written post that emphasized many of the things I wanted to say so much better than I ever could have, but man oh man, did I ever try.

 

[tonyp71190]

Well,maybe you can look at it like this; he's caught and he now has a mirror of his sins in front of him. Perhaps he will find the very things he sees looking back at him to be ugly and shameful, and that's no way to live. He knows he has lied, cheated and denied, to himself and to you; his weaknesses. The denial has caused a breakdown in the relationship and his reply should be to admit it has, confess his sins, and look to God for answers. The issues in his heart might take time to settle but God is the only one who can stop the bleeding; not you or anybody else. If he refuses to acknowledge his wrongdoings and if he refuses Gods healing, there won't be much hope left. His response must lead to repentance and sorrow, if it doesn't, pray for strength and the wisdom to stay away from him for some time. If he believes that YOU are his answer and if he begs you back, he is deceiving himself, and if YOU try to use your relationship to solve anything; it won't work (you would be deceived too). Don't be a fool and get caught thinking you can be his rescuer, you can't be. Jesus is. It's that simple. Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. psalm 5:22 Check this one out too "As for me, I said, “O Lord, be gracious to me; heal me, for I have sinned against you!” psalm 41:4 and don't forget we walk by faith and not by sight.