Am I asking too much?

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May 3, 2013
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#21
are there children involved? the custody battle could get really ugly if you "kicked him to the curb" so to speak.
You are not saying anything (neither something) beyond of what you already said, but that gave me few thoughts I want to mention:

If I was a woman, I would feel too miserable if i have to stay with a person who cheats on me and "I stay" just for the money my kids (or I) could be receiving.

In fact, the very idea reminded me an article a friend of mine wrote about something she called "La prostitución como alternativa" and some her collegues re-published online (giving too little credit to her ideas, by the way).

When I read that article I told her the morale of those ideas ranked the Bible... Hope she convert to Jesus´, completely...
 
B

BeeD

Guest
#22
I don't understand how you left him for "emotional abuse" but are able to reconcile with him after he comitted adultery 3 times.....but to each his own. You need to seriously weigh your options. How much do you still love your husband and want him back? What are you willing to let go of and deal with, in order to keep your marriage together ? To me if you are willing to let go of him actually sleeping with three different women to be with him, then I think living in the house he did it in is trivial by comparison. Make him throw out the old bed , covers and all, and buy a new one if you are determined to forgive him and to stay with him. In time the disgust for being in the house will fade if you let it.
 
S

SleepyNurse

Guest
#23
I'm really sorry this happened to you but I don't think your request is unreasonable. If he really repented then he would be willing to do whatever it took to win back your trust. If he's not, then perhaps, it's time to move on.
 
S

staralchemy

Guest
#24
Coming from a similar situation...my best advice is to leave him and move on. He has to truly repent of what he's done...and from the sounds of it he is looking for an excuse to keep on living in his sin. Just leave... God has better things in store for you. You are valuable and should be with someone who treats you as such.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
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#25
Sorry that I did not see this sooner. If he is Borderline, you know that is "all about me!" He is going to use excuses for everything, including not moving to please you. Because he will only want to please himself.

I hate to be a downer, but I don't know how you have lasted this long. You have strong Biblical grounds to leave on the grounds of his adultery. Please reconsider getting back together with this man.

Just for your info, in case you don't already know, this is what you are dealing with.

The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive.
This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.
A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central

I just don't think a person with Borderline has the capacity to want to change, and God won't change someone who doesn't want to be changed.
 
Jun 18, 2014
755
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#26
Sorry that I did not see this sooner. If he is Borderline, you know that is "all about me!" He is going to use excuses for everything, including not moving to please you. Because he will only want to please himself.

I hate to be a downer, but I don't know how you have lasted this long. You have strong Biblical grounds to leave on the grounds of his adultery. Please reconsider getting back together with this man.

Just for your info, in case you don't already know, this is what you are dealing with.

The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive.
This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.
A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central

I just don't think a person with Borderline has the capacity to want to change, and God won't change someone who doesn't want to be changed.
BPD is a contested diagnosis with ambiguous, relative identification methods. Relationships, depending on circumstance, can often cause otherwise normal people to exhibit symptoms of BPD. Diagnosing your partner is also unethical and unwise, even if the OP were a psychologist.

From the information given, there is absolutely no way that a person could rationally diagnose the OP's partner. Even from what's given, BPD seems a reach.
 
J

jael

Guest
#27
Hope, the man lies, deceives, has covered it up, has been abusive, unloaded a guilty conscious to you--which is not the same as repentance, by the way, and is in of need financial help from YOU??? And are there children involved? And what kind of messages are you both sending to them??? And he is NOT being "supportive" to you in your handling of your reactions to more admittance of yet more adultery:---as if he is being so nice while you stew in wonder at his utter unfaithfulness and lies!,' over your upset???? And you think he's being so kind by being "patient?" And can YOU live life on your own? I will pray, but with sorrows as it seems you want this relationship to continue along with all the dramas and deceits, else wise how could such questions be swirling around you? Ah... This is pattern behavior, which is not a "slip,' and it is way more than adultery, what does the Bible say? And its NOT in this case "just forgive." With sorrows for you. Jael
 
O

Osiyo

Guest
#28
Dear Sister in Christ Jesus, first off lets see what God says about this:

Question: "What does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage?"

Answer:
First of all, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). God realizes, though, that since marriages involve two sinful human beings, divorces are going to occur. In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire (Matthew 19:8).

The controversy over whether divorce and remarriage is allowed according to the Bible revolves primarily around Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. The phrase “except for marital unfaithfulness” is the only thing in Scripture that possibly gives God’s permission for divorce and remarriage. Many interpreters understand this “exception clause” as referring to “marital unfaithfulness” during the “betrothal” period. In Jewish custom, a man and a woman were considered married even while they were still engaged or “betrothed.” According to this view, immorality during this “betrothal” period would then be the only valid reason for a divorce.

However, the Greek word translated “marital unfaithfulness” is a word which can mean any form of sexual immorality. It can mean fornication, prostitution, adultery, etc. Jesus is possibly saying that divorce is permissible if sexual immorality is committed. Sexual relations are an integral part of the marital bond: “the two will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Ephesians 5:31). Therefore, any breaking of that bond by sexual relations outside of marriage might be a permissible reason for divorce. If so, Jesus also has remarriage in mind in this passage. The phrase “and marries another” (Matthew 19:9) indicates that divorce and remarriage are allowed in an instance of the exception clause, whatever it is interpreted to be. It is important to note that only the innocent party is allowed to remarry. Although it is not stated in the text, the allowance for remarriage after a divorce is God’s mercy for the one who was sinned against, not for the one who committed the sexual immorality. There may be instances where the “guilty party” is allowed to remarry, but it is not taught in this text.

Now hope4us, you are standing on holy ground, so please remove your spiritual shoes. I am not preaching a divorce, but that is what most likely would be the "best" answer, and our God in His mercy has stated that as in your case you are free to divorce. But it would also be a "blessing to you if forgiveness is shown". Whatever you do go with His grace, His peace and His blessings in a mighty way, will be praying for you. And please keep in might, this is not what I or anybody else says, this is what God says. Be blessed and why not?
 
H

hope4us

Guest
#29
I didn't diagnose him. His counselor did and he admits it.
 
H

hope4us

Guest
#30
BPD is a contested diagnosis with ambiguous, relative identification methods. Relationships, depending on circumstance, can often cause otherwise normal people to exhibit symptoms of BPD. Diagnosing your partner is also unethical and unwise, even if the OP were a psychologist.

From the information given, there is absolutely no way that a person could rationally diagnose the OP's partner. Even from what's given, BPD seems a reach.
I didn't diagnose him. His counselor did and he admits it.