bothered by fiance's past

[Jasonxvx777]

Let me start this out by saying I'm with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.

I want to keep this anonymous so I won't go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn't like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn't see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.

Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I

I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past.

 

[kenthomas27]

So, what is it exactly that you are trying to ask? Just from reading your OP, it sounds like you have some issues with your girlfriend's past and maybe you're seeking some insight as to how you deal with that? If that's the case, I think you would need to define why you think this girl's past actions are bothering you. You obviously see her as an amazing, sweet, God fearing woman, but then also understand what you perceive as an obvious contradiction with her actions.

There's a little more to this, though. There seems to be a kind of underlying "bad air" to your post. What I mean by that is on a couple of occasions you said "whenever I asked about the past or it came up..." and it implied to me that this topic came up rather frequently. And it didn't just come up; it was brought up - by you perhaps? (I'm not seeking answers from you, but rather questions you could answer yourself). Then you said "how could someone do these things" when she shares a common religious faith with you. The "bad air" is you not approving or accepting her lifestyle and worse - it's actions you are imagining happening with her old boyfriend playing over and over again in your head as "present tense" when in fact it's a past tense action. This leaves you in the very unhealthy position of having to deal with her actions as "now" rather than "then" making you both on different planes of recovery.

She may be well ahead of you in her recovery. She may already have reckoned with her behavior, sought forgiveness from God and herself and began to move on with "acceptance" while you are still in the stage of shock and anger. You think that by her exposing every aspect of her actions might in someway help you reckon your own insecurities or anger when in fact, it will have the opposite effect of giving in to your anger and insecurities.

My advice to you would be to put your faith in the God of Israel to work for you. You know what He has given us. You know what He has sacrificed in order to do so. Would you do less for this woman? What is your love made of? Please take the opportunity to talk to her - not about her past actions, but what you are feeling and how you can heal and how you can forgive and how you and her can move on and make a life together. If you choose not to grow, the next girlfriend will have even more issues. If you choose to grow in your faith and in your relationship, you may discover you have uncovered a real gem in this woman. I hope you choose the latter. God speed!

 

[tourist]

The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past.

What is there about a youth leader and Sunday school teacher that led you to believe that they are not subjected to the same feelings, emotions and temptations as everyone else? Do you want to live in her past or enjoy the future with her? It seems to me that this not clear in your mind.

 

[Yowie]

My only suggestion is to be open and honest with her in love.

Maybe she wasn't as "strong in her faith" as she thought back then and then again maybe her faith in Christ was the only thing that helped her get through it.

It seems to me that the problem is yours that she's been with another guy for however long and maybe somewhere inside you're perceiving her as unclean because of it.

 

[notuptome]

If things progress and you marry her you also marry the baggage she brings along. What you think and what she thinks will always remain something of a mystery between the two of you.

I would be concerned about someone who continued to minister in a church while living in sin. Sex outside of marriage is sin.

James says that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

You have a significant number of things to reconcile with the Lord on this matter. Prayer and good counseling with patience and longsuffering is essential to have a positive outcome.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Ugly]

You accept her, as is, past and all, of you don't. There is no half hearted love. She made mistakes, God has forgiven her, she's moving on. Why can't you? If she's such a wonderful woman why would you risk your relationship because of things she did in the past?
Quite honestly you are pretty unsympathetic or empathetic. If you've never experienced the struggles of sin then you will never be able to understand what it's like to be in her position and you will never give her the grace God has.
Not to mention she was abused and essentially raped over and over and your think maybe she enjoyed it? That's just harsh and cold and, sorry, but about as ignorant a statement i've heard in a long time. Your attitude towards her makes me feel bad for her. She's been through enough already without someone that 'loves' her holding her past against her and twisting her abuse into something she enjoyed. That's kind of sick on your part. The real question here is is it wise for her to be with you.

 

[tourist]

You accept her, as is, past and all, of you don't. There is no half hearted love. She made mistakes, God has forgiven her, she's moving on. Why can't you? If she's such a wonderful woman why would you risk your relationship because of things she did in the past?
Quite honestly you are pretty unsympathetic or empathetic. If you've never experienced the struggles of sin then you will never be able to understand what it's like to be in her position and you will never give her the grace God has.
Not to mention she was abused and essentially raped over and over and your think maybe she enjoyed it? That's just harsh and cold and, sorry, but about as ignorant a statement i've heard in a long time. Your attitude towards her makes me feel bad for her. She's been through enough already without someone that 'loves' her holding her past against her and twisting her abuse into something she enjoyed. That's kind of sick on your part. The real question here is is it wise for her to be with you.

Yes, that is indeed the question. I agree with everything you have stated.

 

[tourist]

So, what is it exactly that you are trying to ask? Just from reading your OP, it sounds like you have some issues with your girlfriend's past and maybe you're seeking some insight as to how you deal with that? If that's the case, I think you would need to define why you think this girl's past actions are bothering you. You obviously see her as an amazing, sweet, God fearing woman, but then also understand what you perceive as an obvious contradiction with her actions.

There's a little more to this, though. There seems to be a kind of underlying "bad air" to your post. What I mean by that is on a couple of occasions you said "whenever I asked about the past or it came up..." and it implied to me that this topic came up rather frequently. And it didn't just come up; it was brought up - by you perhaps? (I'm not seeking answers from you, but rather questions you could answer yourself). Then you said "how could someone do these things" when she shares a common religious faith with you. The "bad air" is you not approving or accepting her lifestyle and worse - it's actions you are imagining happening with her old boyfriend playing over and over again in your head as "present tense" when in fact it's a past tense action. This leaves you in the very unhealthy position of having to deal with her actions as "now" rather than "then" making you both on different planes of recovery.

She may be well ahead of you in her recovery. She may already have reckoned with her behavior, sought forgiveness from God and herself and began to move on with "acceptance" while you are still in the stage of shock and anger. You think that by her exposing every aspect of her actions might in someway help you reckon your own insecurities or anger when in fact, it will have the opposite effect of giving in to your anger and insecurities.

My advice to you would be to put your faith in the God of Israel to work for you. You know what He has given us. You know what He has sacrificed in order to do so. Would you do less for this woman? What is your love made of? Please take the opportunity to talk to her - not about her past actions, but what you are feeling and how you can heal and how you can forgive and how you and her can move on and make a life together. If you choose not to grow, the next girlfriend will have even more issues. If you choose to grow in your faith and in your relationship, you may discover you have uncovered a real gem in this woman. I hope you choose the latter. God speed!

Excellent post.

 

[Jasonxvx777]

No she wasn't as strong in her faith back then, she has never claimed to be. She has confessed that she let fear control her and that she was broken by this. It scares me that a person can be broken for years and not actually change it but I guess thats how abusive relationships work, they are very hard to get out of. I do really love this woman and I want to give her a great life. My concern is that she won't ever be strong and will let other things like this happen to her in the future. It's been a challenge trying to help her recover and find who she is but now that I see who she is I'm so in love and I don't see how this woman could ever let a bad guy be this way to her. What I need to see is that she is better now, she is awesome and she does deserve to be treated so much better than what she had before. It truly makes me sad that guys can treat girls this way, especially her, she is such a sweet gentle girl.

 

[rachelsedge]

No she wasn't as strong in her faith back then, she has never claimed to be. She has confessed that she let fear control her and that she was broken by this. It scares me that a person can be broken for years and not actually change it but I guess thats how abusive relationships work, they are very hard to get out of. I do really love this woman and I want to give her a great life. My concern is that she won't ever be strong and will let other things like this happen to her in the future. It's been a challenge trying to help her recover and find who she is but now that I see who she is I'm so in love and I don't see how this woman could ever let a bad guy be this way to her. What I need to see is that she is better now, she is awesome and she does deserve to be treated so much better than what she had before. It truly makes me sad that guys can treat girls this way, especially her, she is such a sweet gentle girl.

You're saying she wasn't strong in her faith back then, but then you ask how she could let something like that happen to her, even now. You are still mixing up the past with the present. You're asking how her present-self could do the things her past-self did.

She "let" those things happen because she was broken. Have you ever been broken? Can you relate at all to her? I can, not in the same way, but in the same sense of brokenness, which is why I guess I'm getting a bit riled up just thinking about someone throwing the dirt of my life in my face over and over when I'm trying to move on.

You fear she will never be strong? If she stays with you while you keep this attitude, she won't be. You are her future husband and you are making her cry and hate herself because of past actions that you are holding against her. If you do not believe her to be able to grow strong and solid, then you will not lead her in the path to become those things.

Is her past hard to handle? Yes. A lot of people's are, especially when it comes to sexual pasts and future marriages. I doubt anyone looks forward to telling the person they are with about their former self; I know I don't. But I know that I would want that person to lovingly accept it and walk with me through it as part of who I was, not who I am. It played a part in who I am, sure, but it is not my identity anymore. I'm not saying it's easy, or that you should just brush it off. It clearly bothers you, and it clearly bothers her that it bothers you, but it's not something to dwell on and push to the degree that you are.

My encouragement to you, is to love her like Christ. Is that hard to do sometimes? Definitely. Is it what we are called to do? Definitely.

 

[Angela53510]

I have a friend who is a pastor and a MK. He fell in love with a woman who already had a child out of wedlock. He talked to his father, a great prayer warrior, and missionary, and he said, "You have to make a decision to accept her with her child, and never mention the past again, and never hold it against her, or don't marry her."

He married her and they have had 2 more children together. He raised her child as his own, and she is a wonderful woman. They have a great marriage, and he is leading people to Christ every day in a small prairie town.

So can you stop holding this against her? If you keep dwelling on it, then it is time to leave the relationship. I would not marry her, if YOU cannot change your attitude.

This whole thing is on you. You need to forgive her totally, and move forward. If you cannot do this, then it is time to separate, before you get married for life, and hold this against her all the time.

Praying you can get ahold of God, and really forgive and forget, if this is the right woman for you.

 

[Jasonxvx777]

See and that's the thing, she is the woman for me, she has the qualities I desire in a woman, she is absolutely beautiful too! A big problem is me and I feel so bad about that, I would like to ask that you all pray for me and I thank you all for the advice and honesty. Please understand that if I didn't care and didn't want to treat her better, I wouldn't be here asking for advice.

 

[Angela53510]

I will pray for you Jason. Remember, if she is the right woman, the enemy is going to attack your thoughts and try and make her seem like second best. And I was worried I was too hard on you. You are a good person to be seeking advice and listening to it.

I pray that God will really minister to your fears and thoughts, and show you if marrying this woman is the way to go. God bless!

 

[rachelsedge]

See and that's the thing, she is the woman for me, she has the qualities I desire in a woman, she is absolutely beautiful too! A big problem is me and I feel so bad about that, I would like to ask that you all pray for me and I thank you all for the advice and honesty. Please understand that if I didn't care and didn't want to treat her better, I wouldn't be here asking for advice.

I am sorry for the attitude and riled-upness that I posted previously. I should have been more gentle. It's clear that you care about her and Angela is right, the enemy will attack wherever possible. Don't give him that opportunity.

If feelings of anger or bitterness arise because of her past, immediately bring her heart (pasts are not easy to carry) and yours to the throne of Christ. Some days maybe you'll have to come to Him a million times, and maybe at first it won't be your first reaction, but it will help.

 

[secularhermit]

Allow me to say I see no point on telling that "anonymously".

Those time I´v e been engaged I tried to know nothing from their past (it was OUT of my relationship with her). sadly, several insisted to be "understood" the way they are (or could be).

As for me, if they are old enough, grown up, the best: Neither of both could change our past. I would be concerned on my present.

Statistically "nothing" is said (neither known).

I just imagine havong loved Mary Magdaline (the "sinner") and, whatever her past was, it would have being a BLESSING for being love the person I am. Who am I to say she was "wrong" or "impure".

Believe me that is poinless 8at least for me). No Marry Magdaline is impure when she did the best to love WHOMEVER she has chosen and, I have the hunch she LOVED so dearly our Lord Jesus (and He is pretty much HANDSOME than me).

Don´t look back!

Don´t behave like Lot´s wife. If that SERVES to help other´s bearing, then do it, but be healed, 1st.

I´m able to love any Mary Magdaline, but She Loves Jesus more than I could.

 

[secularhermit]

I will pray for you Jason. Remember, if she is the right woman, the enemy is going to attack your thoughts and try and make her seem like second best. And I was worried I was too hard on you. You are a good person to be seeking advice and listening to it.

I pray that God will really minister to your fears and thoughts, and show you if marrying this woman is the way to go. God bless!

Oh! here you are... This things are OUT of Stats, public eyes, church accounts or admited records...

That´s what I wanted to say (he told it from another´s life experience)

 

[secularhermit]

See and that's the thing, she is the woman for me, she has the qualities I desire in a woman, she is absolutely beautiful too! A big problem is me and I feel so bad about that, I would like to ask that you all pray for me and I thank you all for the advice and honesty. Please understand that if I didn't care and didn't want to treat her better, I wouldn't be here asking for advice.

BROTHER!

I´ve loved one like that...

Ask GOD confirmation and, if He tells you, marry her. If she is not, wait for the ONE He would send JUST FOR YOU.

 

[psychomom]

See and that's the thing, she is the woman for me, she has the qualities I desire in a woman, she is absolutely beautiful too! A big problem is me and I feel so bad about that, I would like to ask that you all pray for me and I thank you all for the advice and honesty. Please understand that if I didn't care and didn't want to treat her better, I wouldn't be here asking for advice.

aw, sweetie...i just have to ask if your past is perfect?
not necessarily sexually, but in every way?

yeah...who among us (save the Lord Jesus) can answer yes to that one, eh?

we are all broken people living in a broken world.
we have all done (and do and will do) things we wish we had not.
and my sister and i constantly reflect on how much easier it is to see other people's "stuff" than our own.

God's Word counsels us to be quick to forgive, slow to speak, and slow to anger.
i see you're not angry, Jason...and i see your love for your fianceé.

The great and glorious Gospel tells us that God in Christ has forgiven us! (really good news for ME!)
and because He has, we now can forgive others.

i pray you will be delivered from your worries over this issue.
marriage is difficult enough without going into it with extemporaneous baggage (though we all do...lol).
everything you need, in Christ you have.
which frees you to give anything in service to those around you.

all of us grow in grace and the knowledge of the Lord Jesus at different rates.
you're both going to be okay. ♥

~ellie

 

[brokenclay]

Brother! Don't marry her. She needs counselling. That guy before you has her hooked in a seductive way.
Marriage doesn't make Saints out of us. You will be on here crying about her ex; soon after you're married.
If you have doubts than why are you questioning God? Its that gut feeling that somethings not right.
Falling in love is infatuation; not real love. We tend to forgive the person now because they mean so much
to us. She hasn't even had time to grow up let alone grow in the Lord. You wanted advice. Here is mine.
NO!! Don't marry her. God's plan for you is too take care of His kingdom; reach the lost with the Gospel; and
let God show you the right woman who is mature in Christ. Don't be foolish brother. You will waste your life trying
to fix her problems and never be available for God's use. Satan is waiting to watch you suffer and he will laugh at
you in the midst of your tears. Christ is at hand. Serve Christ. Not this girl. Never mind her outward beauty.
You are falling for the tears and self-pity; but it will you who will be hurt later. I grieve for so many guys who
let their feelings get used against them. It will hurt you less to walk alone with Jesus for awhile; but God knows
best. Don't marry her. You watch the change when she cant have her way with you. First the tears; then some co-ercion;
then the words: if you trust God; or; if you say you're a Christian then you should forgive me and we can move on.
Brother don't get married. Repentance is better than regret. Walk with God. You are under no obligation to her.
You wont be disappointed. You will only feel guilty because Satan will accuse you. You watch and see.
The Holy Spirit has not given you real peace about this. So, now you are on here asking strangers for advice?
Praying God will spare you years of sorrow and give you the confidents to walk away and seek ye first the Kingdom of God.
Amen! Seriously in Christ, Larry.

 

[Ugly]

Brother! Don't marry her. She needs counselling. That guy before you has her hooked in a seductive way.
Marriage doesn't make Saints out of us. You will be on here crying about her ex; soon after you're married.
If you have doubts than why are you questioning God? Its that gut feeling that somethings not right.
Falling in love is infatuation; not real love. We tend to forgive the person now because they mean so much
to us. She hasn't even had time to grow up let alone grow in the Lord. You wanted advice. Here is mine.
NO!! Don't marry her. God's plan for you is too take care of His kingdom; reach the lost with the Gospel; and
let God show you the right woman who is mature in Christ. Don't be foolish brother. You will waste your life trying
to fix her problems and never be available for God's use. Satan is waiting to watch you suffer and he will laugh at
you in the midst of your tears. Christ is at hand. Serve Christ. Not this girl. Never mind her outward beauty.
You are falling for the tears and self-pity; but it will you who will be hurt later. I grieve for so many guys who
let their feelings get used against them. It will hurt you less to walk alone with Jesus for awhile; but God knows
best. Don't marry her. You watch the change when she cant have her way with you. First the tears; then some co-ercion;
then the words: if you trust God; or; if you say you're a Christian then you should forgive me and we can move on.
Brother don't get married. Repentance is better than regret. Walk with God. You are under no obligation to her.
You wont be disappointed. You will only feel guilty because Satan will accuse you. You watch and see.
The Holy Spirit has not given you real peace about this. So, now you are on here asking strangers for advice?
Praying God will spare you years of sorrow and give you the confidents to walk away and seek ye first the Kingdom of God.
Amen! Seriously in Christ, Larry.

Damaged people don't deserve marriage.They are broken and less than and can't bring anything but pain and misery to those around them. Lovely sentiment.


I'm the opposite, i think the OP is the one that has problems and she may be better off without him.