It is a hard thing to do, Ignore ones own wants and needs. I can love without wanting something in return yet in the same breath wouldn't I want the same thing for myself? I love this woman like I will never love another. There will never be another woman that comes close in comparison. The majority of what I'm feeling right now is regret and remorse for wasting the time that I had with her on myself. I'm trying to overcome the pain and regret, The fear of never feeling her love again to give her what she wants. Which is space and time to find herself again. It's not uncommon for a person to live off of hope... I have little hope left. I teater up and down. selfish not selfish.. At the end of the day all I want is for us all to be happy together. It's a hard hard thing thinking of someone else making a mans family happier than he did. especially when it's due to weakness in ones self.
If we love people on the condition that we want in return what we give then we aren't really loving, we're bartering. The same way though, if you put a demand on yourself to only love her when she loves you then the pressure is twofold. Let's look at it this way. You're looking at the past and feeling guilt. Now, what is guilt except shame for what has already happened - shame for not loving her unconditionally? And what is the choice not to love her unconditionally now if not establishing guilt in the present that you will feel in the future?
You can't change the past nomatter how much you concentrate on it. The same way, you cannot be sure what will happen in the future. The only thing you have is each present moment. This now is when you make your choice, presently, and continually we make a choice in every moment that we live. Right now I choose to type, right now you choose to do what you currently do. No choice is a future choice, and no choice is really a past choice, because the choosing of any thing cannot be done in a time that is not here, in a past that has already left and a future that can never be held or experienced, since any experience you have is always 'now'.
What I'm basically saying is that nothing you do can be done 5 minutes ago, and nothing you 'do' can be done five minutes from now, because in five minutes from now, that moment will be a 'now'. Everything you do is done presently, in the present. Always, without exception.
You can choose right now to make the same mistakes by attaching presently, clinging to memories, doubting presently and fearing presently for what has not yet come to pass. Or, you can recognize the moments for what they are and choose to relinquish the past and the future for the sake of the present wherein you will always reside.
The present is all we have, any and all of us. It is the only thing that exists. So what good is regret when in regretting you fill up a present moment that could be used to do different things? What good is guilt when you use up a present moment to berate yourself for what you cannot change? What good is fear when you use up a present moment being too scared to do presently what you can do selflessly and without fear?
What good is apprehension when you use up a present moment to worry about the next moment, then use that moment to worry about the next, and so forth and so on you keep using up moments worrying about the next, using the next to worry about the next without end?
What good is selfishness now when selfishness is the very thing you do not wish to do at any time?
Do now what you will do, or it will never be done.
