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Do you love your husband? How does he treat you as his wife? I believe that looking at porn by itself is a terrible thing to you as it is destructive to your feelings. An online affair is the same as a physical affair in the eyes of the Lord. Does your husband realize this? Does he know that you know? Why does he do this?
S
Hi! I am not sure about my love. Sometimes I waiver or go by my feelings, which can change from day to day. He wants to pursue other women. It is hard for me to discuss this with people, but I am trying to find some one to talk to online. I am not sure what steps to take as we live far away from family and friends. We have been married for 21 years, but this problem is not new!
B
Have you tried to talk to him to tell him how his behavior is affecting you? If not do this first. If this does not work then maybe confide in someone whom you feel your husband may respect and listen to concerning his behavior, and have them to talk to him. Sometimes people will listen to someone else whom they hold in high regards before they listen to their own wives. Also during these processes, pray and ask God to lead you step, by step in what more to do.
Start saving money in your own account. Start researching how to divorce. Just so you are prepared if need to. You may find out more is going on behind your back than you see. There are many many women out there that have been through this. Give him an ultimatium after you have a plan in tact. Stick your ultimatium. He needs to see he is going to lose you before he will give up his private party.
D
Hi Suzy,
It's so sad what you report about your husband. Pornography addiction is a bugaboo in our culture and affects all walks of life, even Christians. You didn't say whether your husband is a Christian but, whether or not he is, he needs help. You can't help him. If you suspect he is sleeping with other women you should definitely not be sleeping with him, at the very least. It's hard to understand how a woman wants to sleep at all with a man who looks at pornol. I sympathize with you completely.
First, I agree with others here, especially the advice to talk to someone and confront your husband. But you should not confront your husband by yourself. And, you should use a strong male to help you. This is to keep your husband honest and keep you safe.
Second, find a live support group or a friend who you can confide in. Talking online is NOT sufficient fellowship to solve your problem.
I think if you do these things the rest of the writing will be on the wall for you. Obviously, don't neglect prayer before and during and after. This is most important!!
Come back and let us know how it goes. Many prayers will be said for you! That's the wonderful thing about online support, your message reaches many at once.
It's so sad what you report about your husband. Pornography addiction is a bugaboo in our culture and affects all walks of life, even Christians. You didn't say whether your husband is a Christian but, whether or not he is, he needs help. You can't help him. If you suspect he is sleeping with other women you should definitely not be sleeping with him, at the very least. It's hard to understand how a woman wants to sleep at all with a man who looks at pornol. I sympathize with you completely.
First, I agree with others here, especially the advice to talk to someone and confront your husband. But you should not confront your husband by yourself. And, you should use a strong male to help you. This is to keep your husband honest and keep you safe.
Second, find a live support group or a friend who you can confide in. Talking online is NOT sufficient fellowship to solve your problem.
I think if you do these things the rest of the writing will be on the wall for you. Obviously, don't neglect prayer before and during and after. This is most important!!
Come back and let us know how it goes. Many prayers will be said for you! That's the wonderful thing about online support, your message reaches many at once.
I think besides marriage counseling, you need to go to counseling yourself. Talk to someone who is a professional (Christian, of course!) who can guide you and help you through this very deep valley.
When I read your OP, I thought perhaps you were young. But 21 years of putting up with this is very sad, and a very long time. I know God can change people, but the Holy Spirit won't force your husband to change, if he doesn't want to.
Praying you hear from God, and get some real life people help.
When I read your OP, I thought perhaps you were young. But 21 years of putting up with this is very sad, and a very long time. I know God can change people, but the Holy Spirit won't force your husband to change, if he doesn't want to.
Praying you hear from God, and get some real life people help.
Suzy,
I think marriage counseling is not a good idea in your case. I understand others who suggested it, but in my experience marriage counseling is only useful when the two spouses misunderstand or miscommunicate, but respect each other in general. If there is a major issue with one partner, then that issue must be addressed first.
In the case of abuse the abuse must be treated first before marriage counseling will have any benefit.
In your case the online porn/dating is emotional abuse and your husband has a serious problem. If he restricts it to fantasy flings and not meet anyone physically, then that might be his excuse to not feel it is wrong. It is wrong, as the feelings he is looking for are as real in an online fantasy as they are in real physical life.
It is not physical adultery, but it is 100% emotional adultery. It is 100% emotional adultery, even if the person on the other side of the online relationship, whom he believes to be a young beautiful porn model, is in fact a disgusting, obscenely ugly, dirty, geriatric homosexual.
If your husband does not want to change or does not see anything wrong in his behavior, then divorce seems to be the option.
About love. Love is a complex combination of many fluctuating emotions. I was wondering if the love you feel is towards the man you thought he was, before he showed another side of himself. Many women who have been abused say "But I loved him." What they mean is that they were in love with the persona they fell in love with, and cannot grasp in their hearts that the real person is someone else.
If there is a possibility that he will change then there is hope, but if he is going to continue behaving this way, then I'm sad to say I agree with the advice by kim12345 in post #5.
[h=5][/h]
I think marriage counseling is not a good idea in your case. I understand others who suggested it, but in my experience marriage counseling is only useful when the two spouses misunderstand or miscommunicate, but respect each other in general. If there is a major issue with one partner, then that issue must be addressed first.
In the case of abuse the abuse must be treated first before marriage counseling will have any benefit.
In your case the online porn/dating is emotional abuse and your husband has a serious problem. If he restricts it to fantasy flings and not meet anyone physically, then that might be his excuse to not feel it is wrong. It is wrong, as the feelings he is looking for are as real in an online fantasy as they are in real physical life.
It is not physical adultery, but it is 100% emotional adultery. It is 100% emotional adultery, even if the person on the other side of the online relationship, whom he believes to be a young beautiful porn model, is in fact a disgusting, obscenely ugly, dirty, geriatric homosexual.
If your husband does not want to change or does not see anything wrong in his behavior, then divorce seems to be the option.
About love. Love is a complex combination of many fluctuating emotions. I was wondering if the love you feel is towards the man you thought he was, before he showed another side of himself. Many women who have been abused say "But I loved him." What they mean is that they were in love with the persona they fell in love with, and cannot grasp in their hearts that the real person is someone else.
If there is a possibility that he will change then there is hope, but if he is going to continue behaving this way, then I'm sad to say I agree with the advice by kim12345 in post #5.
[h=5][/h]
Another thought about love. Your husband possibly does not know what love is. He might mix it up with lust and/or infatuation, and be addicted to the feeling of lustful infatuation.
Lust is not love, nor is infatuation. The intense feelings we get while infatuated are really there so that we get to know the other person deeper. It is not to drive us into sex, but to build a foundation on which love can grow and mature. Love is something that grows out of infatuation and/or a close friendship.
Lust is not love, nor is infatuation. The intense feelings we get while infatuated are really there so that we get to know the other person deeper. It is not to drive us into sex, but to build a foundation on which love can grow and mature. Love is something that grows out of infatuation and/or a close friendship.
R
Divorce should be avoided at all costs. I would tell the church about the problem and have like 10 or 15 people show up out of no where and catch him in the act. Then he can be put on blast in such a way that has a good chance of changing something in his mind. If he is indeed a Christian he should realize the error of his ways and repent. If not there will probably be gnashing of the teeth and a whole lot of insults. You won't beable to do this on your own he wont beable to listen to you fully when caught in this type of sin. He might not even realize the true error of his ways and might start to think its normal. So a reality check and input from multiple people should do something to negate this issue.
Follow up, he's still playing with his junk looking at images that are not even real damaging himself and yourself soul. Didn't completely turn to Jesus. Then what. Treat him like a child and put blocks on the websites disable the sites he uses. Monitor his credit cards closely. Have a couple people keep reminding him the horrors of porn.
He thinks hes a big boy can do what he wants grown man. Completely shuns off all support and doesn't even have the slightest inclination of quiting this behavior. You have to set him up then. Have a computer geek pretending to be the FBI come at him with allegations of Child porno on his computer. Make him think he's going to prison for being a some sort of sexual predator. Make sure he some how sees a news paper clipping of a sexual offender being offed in prison and goes into detail just how much horrible the nature of the crime is. Highly frowned upon by all walks of society.
This is the course of action that Id like to see implemented. I have never tried this in person nor have I ever tried to correct a porn addiction. But seems reasonable enough.
If he does not come begging on his knees for you and repent then he obviously is oblivious to the damage he has caused or to self conceded to even be worrying about you. Write him a letter telling him how much this hurts you and how much better he is then to be doing what he is doing. Or make a video expressing your feelings. Explain all the reasons why this hurts. Be as detailed as possible.
Maybe then just maybe he will come around reestablish that Love you all had when there wasn't a division. If then he still wallows in his misery will. You must move on do not waste your love. Flee from his presence, pray to God talk to God have him take away the feelings you had for him and reserve yourself. I personally would not initiate a divorce but by this time society wouldnt frown on it but I think divorce is never an option. Marriage is sacred and should be looked at as so.
If there is a fighting chance for the relationship a reaffirmation of Vowels is in due order. A clean slate so to speak.
Hope this helps let me know if you actually use any of this advice. Love is the greatest of all.
Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to try and help out. God Bless!
Follow up, he's still playing with his junk looking at images that are not even real damaging himself and yourself soul. Didn't completely turn to Jesus. Then what. Treat him like a child and put blocks on the websites disable the sites he uses. Monitor his credit cards closely. Have a couple people keep reminding him the horrors of porn.
He thinks hes a big boy can do what he wants grown man. Completely shuns off all support and doesn't even have the slightest inclination of quiting this behavior. You have to set him up then. Have a computer geek pretending to be the FBI come at him with allegations of Child porno on his computer. Make him think he's going to prison for being a some sort of sexual predator. Make sure he some how sees a news paper clipping of a sexual offender being offed in prison and goes into detail just how much horrible the nature of the crime is. Highly frowned upon by all walks of society.
This is the course of action that Id like to see implemented. I have never tried this in person nor have I ever tried to correct a porn addiction. But seems reasonable enough.
If he does not come begging on his knees for you and repent then he obviously is oblivious to the damage he has caused or to self conceded to even be worrying about you. Write him a letter telling him how much this hurts you and how much better he is then to be doing what he is doing. Or make a video expressing your feelings. Explain all the reasons why this hurts. Be as detailed as possible.
Maybe then just maybe he will come around reestablish that Love you all had when there wasn't a division. If then he still wallows in his misery will. You must move on do not waste your love. Flee from his presence, pray to God talk to God have him take away the feelings you had for him and reserve yourself. I personally would not initiate a divorce but by this time society wouldnt frown on it but I think divorce is never an option. Marriage is sacred and should be looked at as so.
If there is a fighting chance for the relationship a reaffirmation of Vowels is in due order. A clean slate so to speak.
Hope this helps let me know if you actually use any of this advice. Love is the greatest of all.
Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to try and help out. God Bless!
W
Does he want to change? Does he even think he has a problem? If he is unwilling to change then you need to set some boundaries like he could move out until he is willing to work on his problem with professional help. Porn addiction takes very specialized and long term therapy. It is worse than heroine as far as treating it. Take care of yourself and get some support so you do not have to go through this alone. My best friend has been dealing with this for 20 years and my daughter just told me her husband has the same problem. It is rampant in the church so don't feel like you are alone, people are just hiding it because they feel so much shame about it. email me if I can help
