Problems with my mom

[GraceandLove]

Hi everyone!

I just wanna share my problem with my Mom. I am 20 years old. I am living with my mom and I'm about to enrol for college. We are from the Philippines originally and then moved to Belgium 3 years ago. My mom is extremely controlling and manipulative. She treats me and my brothers as children. Last week I was not even allowed to jog outside. We're not allowed to go out by ourselves. I feel totally trapped in this house. Just today, she almost forced me to give up my college scholarship and give the money to her and fortunately my stepfather was able to prevent the money going to her account but she demanded me to send the money to her account when the money arrives. When she gets hold of money, I never see it anymore. She uses it for herself. Goes to restaurants everyday, buys her clothes almost everyday and we always get just cheap ones. She got hold of our scholarship money during my high school but because I am in college already, I have the right to have it. She calls herself a christian but is never a good example. She even practices witchcraft, prays like a gentile, talks trash about other people even about the leaders of our church, hypocrite... She praises herself and for her, she's so perfect. She even wants us to hate our dad. We've been suffering from her manipulation for years. But now that I am 20, I am really seeing what she's doing to us. I was so scared of not following her even though what she asks is not good because of the power of her manipulation and she always uses the verse honour your father and mother for this is right. She uses verses from the Bible that are out of context and she has a complete wrong image of God. She likes to pray for hours and discourages us for praying alone. We should always pray together according to her. Of course there's nothing wrong in praying together but praying alone and with God alone is also vital. My sister is 33 years old already and has a daughter but can never get out of the house because of her. She doesn't want anyone courting my sister and she wants us all to stay in one house forever. We can never talk back to her. If we do, she gets furious and physical. And we don't talk, she gets mad too. Me and my brothers will really lose our sanity with her. From the outside, people think, are life is perfect. But it is really miserable with her in the house. I prayed and even begged the Lord that He takes her away out of our lives. She really thinks we can't live without her and she's the only hope. She's so full of herself and always want people praising her. She never shows her really character. She's a great pretender. At times, no matter how I love the Lord, you will really sin when you're with her. Everyone in the house feels the same... Please pray for us. And maybe you guys have some encouraging words? Would be a big help. Thank you!


Be blessed,
GraceandLove

 

[JimJimmers]

I will absolutely pray for you. One question though, What do you mean she "prays like a Gentile"? I am a Gentile, I'm not quite sure what that meant.

Regardless, thank you for sharing this with us. God bless you, I think you children need to join together and leave her. You don't want to be around witchcraft, and she is trying to steal your education money. Could the 4 (is it four?) of you maybe find a place to stay until you can go to college or get jobs? I don't know if any of y'all are minors or not.

 

[GraceandLove]

What I meant with praying like a Gentile is that she prays like a heathen. When she prays, it's almost like she's performing spells. Her image of God is totally deformed. That she has to beg and do something to get God's favour. She prays with many words just like what the Bible tells us in:

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]Matthew 6:77 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.[/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]She's full of words and she prays the people's heart will change against their will. It's like witchcraft. You can ask the Lord to touch one's heart but not force one man to change. That's not who God is. Excuse me for using the word Gentile. I didn't mean it derogative. [/FONT]

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]We're all adults except for the youngest who is 16 years old. My older sister is stable in life. But my mom curses her when she wants to live a separate life with her daughter and maybe marry a guy who stand as a dad to her daughter. Everything is forbidden for my mom. We don't have freedom. We are suffocated. And it's not just physically tiring, also spiritually. This battle. I wonder when it will end...[/FONT]

 

[Atwood]

Hi everyone!

I prayed and even begged the Lord that He takes her away out of our lives. She really thinks we can't live without her and she's the only hope. She's so full of herself and always want people praising her. She never shows her really character. She's a great pretender. At times, no matter how I love the Lord, you will really sin when you're with her. Everyone in the house feels the same... Please pray for us. And maybe you guys have some encouraging words? Would be a big help. Thank you!

It is hard to understand and be in your shoes; and of course your culture is different from mine. To me I can't understand why you want the Lord to take her out of your lives. Why don't you move away from her? Is there nowhere else you can live?

If you are a born again Christian, then the solution is to trust the Lord Jesus for help and to claim the wisdom promised in James 1.

 

[GraceandLove]

A lot of people tells me to move away too. But when I do that, she's will do everything at all cost to get me back. She is so insane and thinks like in a movie and does some embarrassing things you never can imagine. Her threatens us too that she will send us back to the Philippines if we don't follow her.

 

[jael]

It sounds as if you have, enough smarts to educate yourself on your "rights," as a 20 year old living in Belgium. Can your mother "make you leave the country or make you do any of the things," you say she does, ot threatens to do??? You have to agree somehow to follow her leading and dictates for any of the things she says. Its a choice of YOURS. If she take your scholarship money--how does she get to it when it is suppose to be used for your schooling? You and you 33 yr. old sister and other siblings could leave the house and find another place to live. You could get a job. You are choosing to live with your mom. Perhaps you could speak to a counselor at your college, or a trusted Pastor. Jesus, allows you to pray when ever you want, and NO ONE has the right to make you pray as they want. That is not how Jesus acted, and NOT how He dealt with people. I urge you to ask the LORD how you yourself can leave, what sounds like a highly abusive and repressive situation. Honoring parents does not mean you allow them to treat you wrongly. In fact it is dishonoring to them or to anyone for you to allow someone to continue to be abusive to you. The mature and right thing to do is to state your stand to them and then they have to decide how to respond. If it is with more threats and abusiveness-THEN you have the choice as to how you will deal with things" ignore, say "no," leave, refuse--whatever--but the choices are YOURS. What do you want? What does GOD want for you? To continue to live like this????? I will pray. Jael

 

[NadiaM]

I kinda understand how you feel my mom manipulates and controls me. I'm 18 and still home doing nothing... She seems too overprotective but at the same time.. I feel like she doesn't like me. She does the sameee thing that your mom does like a hipocrites and loves money... But I recently found out that my grandma treated her so bad when she was young... Now I got to understand a lil and just try to let it go. Try to talk to her or even ask her if she needs something. Just pray to God and I promise shell change. I prayed and God is changing her little by little . hope this kinda helped just telling you.. You are not the only one with these kind of situations. God bless <3

 

[Angela53510]

It is time to grow up and stop fearing your mother. She is an abuser and that means it will never end and she will not change. I left home at age 17, and my home situation was not nearly as bad as yours.

Please find an apartment or room, leave. If necessary, find out if Belgium has restraining laws and get a restraining order if possible to keep her away from you.

And do go to college. It will give you a possible career. Your mother is not there for you, and you need to come to grips with it. By the way, I still managed to go to university and become a teacher and now a chaplain, so anything is possible if you set your mind to it, and let God help you.

 

[sunburn]

It will never stop until you grow out of your fear for her.
there is no point critising her and pointing out her faults…she might never change if you don't stand up for yourself...
Don't ever grow bitter against her, you need to be able to smile at whatever she is doing and disregard her attitude towards you with firmness and love.
You need to find that freedom within you first because you can leave the house and still be prisonner of spells and control
trust me it could be that she is so confident in her "powers".
You def need to be independent. Leave the house but pray God for direction.
Free her in your mind and spirit. You have a life on your own and need to embrace it.
Once you find that freedom, you can do whatever you want regardless of your mom.

My mom and I are getting along fine now..I have earned the right to say what I have to say or be what I have to be. I have always been respectful but It took courage I was determined to stop her attitude. I finally did this when I was about 29 but i left the family home at 23. My leaving did not stop her unil I was able to put her back to her place.
I was reading you and felt like the same way i felt for my mom for years. Until the day i responded back to her. she became angry and threatened to slap me. She was throwing tantrums like I was expecting and slamming doors around the house because I dared telling her that she should stop shouting at me. I did not back down from the chaos she made at home. I warned her that if she slapped me, I would slap her back , she was so socked that she eventually became quiet. it's about being respected even by your own mother.
She is abusive and crossing the line because none of you have the courage to tell her.

Hope you find the strength God help you find wisdom to deal with this accordingly.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

As has been said by others: move out. she will not stop on her own as long as she thinks she is right in doing those things.
Belgium is guaranteed to have several organizations that would be able to help you.

Also, keep praying and seeking Gods advice

 

[Bate]

I'm glad to hear some awesome pieces of advice from some ladies along this particular thread.
Yea, as we pray and believe hard, we have to know who we are too and what to do a midst certain conditions/situations.
Please stand for your rights because she won't (may not) ever change, but instead change and take your position as a grown up daughter GraceandLove.
You'll see a difference; and in case of any, please let us know. It will be a testimony.

Stay safe and blessed!

 

[GraceandLove]

Hi everyone! Thank you for all the advises. I realise, it was really also in us. Her manipulation power was deeply planted in us it is so scary to talk back and shout at her and fight for our rights. It has been there since my childhood. She has a very bad childhood and her parents didn't care for her that's why she is so overprotective to the point that she's killing us. I tried to understand, many times. But there are times when you come to the point that enough is enough. She never allowed Jesus to heal her and change her. She is good with words but never acted like a christian. Sometimes, everyone of us feels sorry for her because of her situation and who she is but sometimes, we all end up cursing her. She prays that the Lord give her 2 million euros and she said Lord, if you give it to me, I will do this for you, do that for you, etc. She even said that she will use that 2 million euros to build a building here in Europe and each of us SHOULD live in every floor she will assign. She wants us to live together even though we're all married in the future. She even wants to take over the decision making on our marriage. She asked me before, what is my dream. What do I want to do? I said, after studying college, work, be independent, live alone, experience life, stand on my own. And she really turned into a monster, shouting, screaming. She said, "YOU ARE UNGRATEFUL!!! AFTER ALL MY HARDSHIPS FOR YOU, YOU WILL JUST LEAVE ME? HOW DARE YOU?" And then she said all kinds of bad words there is in the world. She said, if not for the parents, children will not live. Children are so dependent to the parents when they were still kids and when they grow up, they become like a devil and disobeys and talks back to the parents. And then she cries, and stays quiet at home, talks to no one. And shows us we were really bad towards her. And then we'll feel sorry. And the she will get what she wants again.

You guys are telling me to just go away. But it is so hard. Something in me says, that's bad! You aren't suppose to do that to your parent. Your family has a good image. Don't destroy it. What will other younger teens think of you? Set a good example! I feel like that. And I feel super guilty whenever I talk back. I even talk back mildly, like you wouldn't really have to be angry. Not like how my brother talks back. She raised us up without having the right to talk back and speak ourselves. She calls herself our mother when she doesn't even know our favourite colour. She talks trash about my dad that he weren't able to do much for us just because he wasn't able to give material things like she does. She just works, gives us food and shelter and that's it. She doesn't really know us. But my dad is not just a dad to us but a friend too. Really dear to us and listens to us and even advises us to love our mother and not curse her. He never taught us to hate our mother but my mom does want us to hate him.

We are attending church her in Belgium and I really feel at home in that church. People there are my family too. But my mom always sees negative in that church, in the leaders. Of course no one is perfect. Everyone has his own flaws. But she keep on looking at the negatives and even says, we should find another church, we will not grow her. While I do grow in there. I never want to leave that church. The Lord has set me there. And sometimes, when she gets mad at the leaders because of what they advise us, she curses them and wants us to take away from the church. That's the first time I talk back to her that I am 20, I will decide in which church I will go. The Lord put me there. I will stay. And then she gets furious. She never wants to be corrected too. Specially when you use a verse to contradict the verse she uses in us. She throws things, destroys what the nearest object next to her, slams the door, and throw tantrums. She have the history of carrying grenade before around because she was mad at someone and wants to kill them. Fortunately, she didn't do it. But when she's mad, it gets to her mind to kill people. She can hit someone whoever they are. She really loses her mind when she's angry. It's like she turns into a monster. And really hurts us. I know we have the right to tell the police or any other authority about what she's doing, but sometimes, we think, she's still our mom and that will never change. It will be pretty hurtful for her if we go the police against her. She has this bad history when she was a child that's why she was so possessive when it comes to us and overprotective that she doesn't see her own faults and wrongs.

So I am really going crazy here. I wanna leave and go and fight, but half of me tells not to and don't be a rebel. I am really fighting hard.

 

[lncy]

GraceandLove I have such a similar story about how I was raised. My Mom was physically and mentally abusive to us kids growing up, and I used to wish she would just get the car, leave and never come back to give us peace. She too was outwardly pious but very, very, very different at home behind closed doors. I was lucky enough to be able to leave home when I was 18, but I had to go home frequently because of my 3 little sisters still living there, so like you..I felt trapped.

But a few months ago I was talking to a pastor friend of mine about it. He encouraged me to pray for my Mom. I had never, ever prayed for her before this. I was too hurt and angry. But he encouraged me to pray for her and to just let go of the anger in my heart. And it was not easy. 31 years of anger and hurt is a tough thing to let go of. But I did. And the relief doing this, was indescribable.

I know you feel trapped, but you're not. You're your own person and you can choose how to deal with your Mom. I would encourage you to move out and start living your own life as an adult. It would be good for your siblings to see this and it may give them strength knowing that they can do it too. I'd also strongly encourage you to honestly pray for your Mom. Ask that Jesus will help her. There's more going on with her than you probably will ever realise because more than likely, she will not open up to you. But I pray that Jesus will help her.

 

[Bate]

I think this is what we may call or refer to as ''conflicting loyalty''!
Because of fear (may be), you may or you are acting contrary to what you'd have done in such a situation. Therefore, it may end up placing you in such a position which you wouldn't have been in, due to a wrong decision made.

 

[cinder]

You guys are telling me to just go away. But it is so hard. Something in me says, that's bad! You aren't suppose to do that to your parent. Your family has a good image. Don't destroy it. What will other younger teens think of you? Set a good example! I feel like that. And I feel super guilty whenever I talk back. I even talk back mildly, like you wouldn't really have to be angry. Not like how my brother talks back. She raised us up without having the right to talk back and speak ourselves. She calls herself our mother when she doesn't even know our favourite colour. She talks trash about my dad that he weren't able to do much for us just because he wasn't able to give material things like she does. She just works, gives us food and shelter and that's it. She doesn't really know us. But my dad is not just a dad to us but a friend too. Really dear to us and listens to us and even advises us to love our mother and not curse her. He never taught us to hate our mother but my mom does want us to hate him.

Another aspect of this you need to consider is that when you give in to your mother, you enable her to keep living the way she is living. If you tell her that you will not be associated with her as long as she continues to act that way, it will force her to re-evaluate her behavior or lose you. So leaving and asserting your independence is not being selfish; it is doing what is best for your family. Talk to some of the people at your church and let them know what is going on. It is more important for you mom to get her issues dealt with than it is for her to look good to other people. Is your dad in Belgium or back in the Philippines? What are your options with friends in Belgium? What are the requirements of your visa for you to stay in Belgium? How many of your Mom's threats does she really have the ability to make happen?

You won't be a rebel you will be a freedom fighter in pursuit of a better world. Oh and if at all possible, when you get out don't let your mother know where you are going. Maybe leave her an e-mail address so she can contact you if necessary, but don't make it easy for her to follow you and keep you trapped (in fact maybe a mediator (your pastor or another adult friend outside the family) that she has to contact you through to shield you from the inevitable guilt trips would be a good idea). It sounds harsh, but it is the only way she will learn (if she ever will). And yes, if you can take a self defense class, watch it on you tube, or otherwise learn to hit back properly do so. Go ahead and hit back when she starts hitting. And if you can get a restraining order ( basically make it a criminal offense for her to come near you) against her that might be a good idea too, especially if she has a history of seriously considering killing people she is mad at.

 

[Bate]

Otherwise, this is a prayer that I'd like or wish you to say unto Him(The Father In Heaven), who knows better and much.....

''Dear Lord,
Lead me to make choices
and decisions that bring You glory
and allow me to experience the life You intended
for me to live.''

Amen!

It is a prayer I pray for you bambi!

 

[Atwood]

A lot of people tells me to move away too. But when I do that, she's will do everything at all cost to get me back. She is so insane and thinks like in a movie and does some embarrassing things you never can imagine. Her threatens us too that she will send us back to the Philippines if we don't follow her.

How is she going to send you somewhere? If you are in the USA, that is impossible. If you are in the USA you can find support. If you are not around her, how is she going to embarrass you? You can even get a restraining order from the court if you are harassed. Perhaps you are the prisoner of your own imagination. Are you in the USA? and go to a university or college? Why not go to counseling there? There is also Legal Aid possible.

 

[JimJimmers]

You guys are telling me to just go away. But it is so hard. Something in me says, that's bad! You aren't suppose to do that to your parent. Your family has a good image. Don't destroy it. What will other younger teens think of you? Set a good example! I feel like that. And I feel super guilty whenever I talk back. I even talk back mildly, like you wouldn't really have to be angry. Not like how my brother talks back. She raised us up without having the right to talk back and speak ourselves. She calls herself our mother when she doesn't even know our favourite colour. She talks trash about my dad that he weren't able to do much for us just because he wasn't able to give material things like she does. She just works, gives us food and shelter and that's it. She doesn't really know us. But my dad is not just a dad to us but a friend too. Really dear to us and listens to us and even advises us to love our mother and not curse her. He never taught us to hate our mother but my mom does want us to hate him.

David respected Saul, even after Saul tried to kill him. He didn't take advantage of Saul, or kill him when he had the opportunity. But he left Saul's house. He fled the place, because it was the right thing to do.

I agree with Bate though, you should pray and get God's peace about leaving. I don't want you to leave just because some strangers on the internet suggested it. I will pray for you also, that God will give you peace in your heart about making the right decision. -JIM

 

[dabodab]

Hi GraceandLove,

Your username is cool and totally reflects your personality! I'm trying to grasp how much you must really love your mom, despite her abuse of you. That is to be commended. And also thank you for continuing to communicate here about your issue. It's good to prove you are listening or, at least, engaging with us.

I agree with most others that say you should look toward leaving. Yes it will be hard.

A rather unconventional idea may be to record your mother having her fits of rage. Video would be the best. Record as much as possible then send the film to her from a phantom e-mail address. Don't say anything in the e-mail, just send the video. Sometimes taking a good look at ourselves can be helpful. She may respond or not, but you are under no obligation to respond back. If she doesn't have an e-mail address, transfer to a DVD or video cassette (whatever you may have) and send it to her in the mail. At least you are doing something to show her how someone else sees her. Now it's her...seeing herself! Even David took King Saul's sword, when he could have killed Saul, to prove he was honorable. <smile>

I know this is risky and a little shrewd. But maybe she needs to see herself as you all do. I guarantee it will have an effect on her, but will it be for the good? Hard to say. It's just an idea.

Also, you should have counseling about this issue with a reputable Christian woman. You appear to be obsessively overtaken with your moms behavior, which is totally understandable but very unhealthy. You could show an example to your younger sibling how to appropriately deal with the issue. Wouldn't that be great?

In the meantime many prayers for you my dear.

 

[GraceandLove]

Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words and prayers! I really appreciate it.

Tomorrow morning, I will go to a legal department in Belgium and find out about my rights and my stand here in Belgium. I want to know once and for all which of her threats are real and which aren't. I think this is a good step too that I should know more about my situation and how I will fight before I take an action. I want to make sure steps because this is concerning my future too especially I am going to college. It is very important for me to finish my studies at all costs and without her in the picture. When I was in high school, I couldn't study in my own room because she is there and talks non stop or calls someone in the phone and continuously disturbs me. That's why during exam period, I always have less sleep because I stay late and wait til she sleeps already so that I can have peace. She doesn't even go to any of my parent meetings at school because she's annoyed with Dutch and doesn't want to learn the language. It was quite hard for me to integrate here because I was so used in the Philippines and also the culture so going here was a shock to me. Was she there? Not. She even complains that it shouldn't be a problem for us to live here and integrate because we simply don't have the right. It was so hard for me. I had to learn another language. Integrate with people. Associate with other culture. Strive hard for school. But thank God, He was there the whole time. But for my college, I know it will be hard. But I don't want any extra pressure from her anymore because I will really lose my sanity with her. My sister is planning to really move out already and just go. Because she tried to tell my mom calmly that she's going to move out several times but it ends up that my sister is a black sheep and ungrateful. Now she just plans to move out without her knowing and just move somewhere far. But my sister is putting pressure at me too. That I should shoulder my mom and it's my time to suffer like what happened to her. But I don't want that. She let my mom manipulate her for 33 years of her life and I don't want to experience that. For my sister, it looks like it's a thing that should be passed on in the family.

My dad is in the Philippines still and he's really hurt about our situation here but all he can do is pray and advice us which is a very big support for us already. My dad always gets the blame from our mom but our dad never showed cruelty and manipulation to us. That's why he is so precious to us. But my mom hates him that she didn't put his name on our birth certificates. So on paper, he is no one. So it is really hard to get him here because of the papers.

My mom is getting sweety sweety to my sister now so she can take my sister's heart back. But my sister had enough and has really decided to go. In the Philippines, there is a culture that the eldest takes the responsibility of the household next to the parents. And because my sister is getting out of the picture, she puts the responsibility on me and I get pressured because I have to think of my little brothers too. Besides, when I move out, I will still be attending the church where she can find me. I know her. She can even make scenes in the church and can make me look like the bad person.

But that example of David and Saul really encouraged me. Thank you, guys! Now I don't feel like I won't honour her if I go away. Be blessed guys!