Big problem with daughter

[Jen9]

Just looking for help here and not bashing. My daughter and I have never gotten along. I had high expectations, as most mothers do. She disappointed me in everything she did. School, friends, personality, just lots of issues. She knows that I don't have a desire for a relationship with her. She has hurt me with her choices in life and I am happiest when we are not around each other. She barely finished high school, although her IQ qualified her for gifted program. Anyway, she finally moved out in November. I was thrilled except that she moved in with her boyfriend and his mom. Instead of college. He has no job and the mother is on public assistance. My husband and I are college educated and in professional careers. This is not what we wanted for our daughter. She is 20, has dropped out of junior colleges every semester since graduating high school.

We don't approve of living with a boy before marriage. This is not the values we taught her. This basically ended what little relationship we had. We tried to be civil to each other before this. But after she decided to go against everything we have tried to teach her, she is not welcomed here. She has come over 3-4 times since then, always resulting is a fight. A couple days ago she came by, when I wasn't here, and told her dad she was 4 months pregnant. I have told her since we had "the talk" in fourth grade that I would never support her if she got pregnant. That is major to me and she understands this fully. Her dad told me when I got home. I called her (first time in months) and told her our relationship is over permanently and completely. She is upset that she is in this predicament but is going to do the best she can.

I have no desire to know about this child. I will not claim it. I wish no harm and will not mistreat this child. I will never see it. My husband is extremely disappointed and upset about her making this mistake, but says he will go to hospital when she delivers. This is causing problems between us. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. This will break my very Godly mother's heart when she finds out. She will not shun my daughter, my mom is a wonderful Christian and I know I fall short.

I am worried about this hurting my marriage. He says what's done is done and we have to accept it. I have harped for years that if she ever got pregnant outside marriage that I will have no part of it. I will not change that. He wants her to be a part of his life and she will not be a part of mine. So we are at an impasse. Any advice at all? You don't have to agree with my decision. Most people that this has happened to are upset but still accept the "grandchild" but this is not something I can not do. The relationship with my daughter was broken long before this, I think that the difference.

 

[Ugly]

I feel very sorry for your daughter. Your love has always been based on her doing your will. Your love is entirely and fully conditional and not at all a representation of a good parents love, or of Gods love. It's no wonder she rebels.
Reading your post makes me grateful that my parents were nothing like you. I screwed up a lot. Made bad choices. But they loved me no matter what. As any Good parent should do.
Let me ask you, had God had the attitude towards you that you carry towards one of His creations that He entrusted you with (your daughter) how well do you think you would fare by His standards? And His standards are higher than yours. Yet His grace and love is even higher.
If you came here looking for support or sympathy you will get none from me. You've raised your daughter thinking your love is dependent on her good deeds and obedience. Which is a sad way to treat your child. She is acting exactly like you would expect someone to act when they feel they aren't good enough to earn the love of a parent (like that love should ever need to be earned).
Perhaps it's time to start placing value on people rather than following your will. Setting your will aside for Gods.

Oh, and you say 'the relationship with my daughter was broken long before this', that's largely your fault.
And if you think that all these other young men and women have great relationships with their parents when they get pregnant outside of marriage, you're deluding yourself. That lame, and not true, excuse doesn't let you off the hook for your failure as a parent.

At least she has one good parent, her father, though that doesn't seem to be enough to balance out the damage you caused.

 

[Dan58]

I wouldn't disown your daughter, but I'd make it clear that she's on her own. She's made some terrible decisions and its important not to bail her out, otherwise she'll never learn. Hopefully your husband won't help her financially, but will let her unemployed boyfriend assume that responsibility. I'd keep casual communication open with your daughter, but continue to exercise tough love and not let the irresponsible lifestyle she's chosen to be dropped in your lap. Make sure your husband understands that you have no desire to raise another child, but that's exactly what he'll be doing with his grandchild if he's too nice. They will need support (money), so make sure they stay with the boyfriends mother and let her worry about it. jmo

 

[blue_ladybug]

Just looking for help here and not bashing. My daughter and I have never gotten along. I had high expectations, as most mothers do. She disappointed me in everything she did. School, friends, personality, just lots of issues. She knows that I don't have a desire for a relationship with her. She has hurt me with her choices in life and I am happiest when we are not around each other. She barely finished high school, although her IQ qualified her for gifted program. Anyway, she finally moved out in November. I was thrilled except that she moved in with her boyfriend and his mom. Instead of college. He has no job and the mother is on public assistance. My husband and I are college educated and in professional careers. This is not what we wanted for our daughter. She is 20, has dropped out of junior colleges every semester since graduating high school.

We don't approve of living with a boy before marriage. This is not the values we taught her. This basically ended what little relationship we had. We tried to be civil to each other before this. But after she decided to go against everything we have tried to teach her, she is not welcomed here. She has come over 3-4 times since then, always resulting is a fight. A couple days ago she came by, when I wasn't here, and told her dad she was 4 months pregnant. I have told her since we had "the talk" in fourth grade that I would never support her if she got pregnant. That is major to me and she understands this fully. Her dad told me when I got home. I called her (first time in months) and told her our relationship is over permanently and completely. She is upset that she is in this predicament but is going to do the best she can.

I have no desire to know about this child. I will not claim it. I wish no harm and will not mistreat this child. I will never see it. My husband is extremely disappointed and upset about her making this mistake, but says he will go to hospital when she delivers. This is causing problems between us. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. This will break my very Godly mother's heart when she finds out. She will not shun my daughter, my mom is a wonderful Christian and I know I fall short.

I am worried about this hurting my marriage. He says what's done is done and we have to accept it. I have harped for years that if she ever got pregnant outside marriage that I will have no part of it. I will not change that. He wants her to be a part of his life and she will not be a part of mine. So we are at an impasse. Any advice at all? You don't have to agree with my decision. Most people that this has happened to are upset but still accept the "grandchild" but this is not something I can not do. The relationship with my daughter was broken long before this, I think that the difference.

Jen9, reading your post reminds me of the relationship between me and my mother..being a screw-up in her eyes, disappointing her and my dad time and again, etc. However, my mother (and dad) loves me, in her own strange way. I believe you love your daughter, no matter what she's done. I sense alot of hurt, anger, and bitterness here and that's understandable BUT she is still your daughter and she's going to need you more than ever now!! I applaud your husband for being willing to still be a part of her life even after you have imposed your stubborn will. Your daughter is 20 years old, she is an adult, and whether or not living together is wrong or right, it resulted in a baby soon to be born!! That will be your grandson/granddaughter, how can you possibly deny it?

Jesus commands us to forgive one another as he has forgiven us. He cannot forgive YOU, until YOU have forgiven HER. To refuse to forgive her, is going against Jesus' command and is a sin. Your husband is right--what's done is done and you need to accept it. Look at this as a new beginning for you and your daughter. Instead of shunning her, invite her over to talk--without accusing, or berating or making her feel guilty. You both need to forgive each other and leave all this hurt in the past. Holding onto it will destroy all of you. If you want to keep your marriage, AND your daughter and her baby, you need to forgive her. If you dont want to invite her over, maybe send her an email or something, though I do think it would be better if all 3 of you sat down and talked.

Speaking from my own experience with my mother, kids do not always get along with their parents!! That's a fact of life. I think you have always placed very high expectations on her. She is not you!! She cant live up to your standards of excellence. And now you're still judging her just because she's pregnant?? I'm sorry, but that is hypocritical, and so are you. I agree with Ugly's reply--your love has always has conditions attached to it.."Do everything this way or else". I believe you will go to your grave regretting it if you dont forgive her, and start being a part of her and this baby's lives. What if something happened to her and she died without having been forgiven by you? You would feel awful!!! Put your prideful ego aside, humble yourself, and forgive her for her mistakes, and ask her to forgive yours. Learn from your husband's example: accept it, forgive it, and move on. If you DONT forgive your daughter then Jesus WONT forgive you. So dont defy Jesus' command.

 

[cinder]

You have once again made me grateful that I have the parents I have. But let's talk about you for a second. It sounds like anyone who doesn't match up to your standards gets cut off and thrown out of your life. You value your standards more than you value people and relationships. And the big problem with this is that your way of trying to get people to live up to your standards make them want to do the opposite and drives them away. Do you want to lose your daughter completely over this? Is it worth losing your husband as well? Are you really surprised that your daughter would rather move in with a boy/man who makes her feel loved and accepted than live with a mother who constantly makes her feel she is not good enough? Proverbs 17:1 says "Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting and conflict. It's pretty obvious to most of us why she would rather live with a guy who has minimal expectations instead of pursuing her education. Proverbs 14:1 says " A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands." Which one will you be?

What I see here is pride. Pride destroys lives (plenty about that in Proverbs), please don't let that happen to you. Your daughter does not share your ambitions for her life or your values, she probably never has, perhaps in part because she sees all of the things you lack. You can accept your daughter without approving of the choices she has made, but part of that acceptance is you don't keep harping on the mistakes. If you want to change here's something to try: start giving compliments. Give your husband and anyone else who lives in your house at least 1 compliment every day. Start a list for your daughter and find things to compliment her on. Make a list of things you are grateful for in your life as well, things that you didn't earn or merit but received as a gift. If you can't find anything to compliment or be thankful for that's a pretty serious problem. Get prayer and maybe counseling for being overly critical because everyone has their good points (well almost everyone at least). But for your own sake and your family, please find ways to put into practice the things the Bible says about being humble and considering others better than yourself. If you don't I think you will stand a good chance of losing everything that actually matters.

 

[jogoldie]

I had vowed to not post without edifying.......but this post is breaking my heart.....im so thankful God is nothing like you......
When we tell our children they are bad....or stupid....we WILL these words on our children.....you have broken this girls
spirit....you ....yes ....you....have condemed this girl to failure....and now you want to do the same to this gift from God...
That is called a grandchild.....no wonder your life is going this way.......get on your knees and ask forgiveness....
and if I were you I would crawl to my daughter and beg her to let you help her.......if not .....nothing in your life will change....
And I too would not just be worried about my marriage but my salvation.....
Im praying for you...your daughter....and this new life that God has blessed you with.......
As a matter of fact im going to run to my grand children right now and hug and hold them alittle tighter....
Because my life would be so impossible without them....and God first ....of course....
Peace....jo

 

[MissCris]

Just looking for help here and not bashing. My daughter and I have never gotten along. I had high expectations, as most mothers do. She disappointed me in everything she did. School, friends, personality, just lots of issues. She knows that I don't have a desire for a relationship with her. She has hurt me with her choices in life and I am happiest when we are not around each other. She barely finished high school, although her IQ qualified her for gifted program. Anyway, she finally moved out in November. I was thrilled except that she moved in with her boyfriend and his mom. Instead of college. He has no job and the mother is on public assistance. My husband and I are college educated and in professional careers. This is not what we wanted for our daughter. She is 20, has dropped out of junior colleges every semester since graduating high school.

We don't approve of living with a boy before marriage. This is not the values we taught her. This basically ended what little relationship we had. We tried to be civil to each other before this. But after she decided to go against everything we have tried to teach her, she is not welcomed here. She has come over 3-4 times since then, always resulting is a fight. A couple days ago she came by, when I wasn't here, and told her dad she was 4 months pregnant. I have told her since we had "the talk" in fourth grade that I would never support her if she got pregnant. That is major to me and she understands this fully. Her dad told me when I got home. I called her (first time in months) and told her our relationship is over permanently and completely. She is upset that she is in this predicament but is going to do the best she can.

I have no desire to know about this child. I will not claim it. I wish no harm and will not mistreat this child. I will never see it. My husband is extremely disappointed and upset about her making this mistake, but says he will go to hospital when she delivers. This is causing problems between us. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. This will break my very Godly mother's heart when she finds out. She will not shun my daughter, my mom is a wonderful Christian and I know I fall short.

I am worried about this hurting my marriage. He says what's done is done and we have to accept it. I have harped for years that if she ever got pregnant outside marriage that I will have no part of it. I will not change that. He wants her to be a part of his life and she will not be a part of mine. So we are at an impasse. Any advice at all? You don't have to agree with my decision. Most people that this has happened to are upset but still accept the "grandchild" but this is not something I can not do. The relationship with my daughter was broken long before this, I think that the difference.

I sincerely hope you get your heart right before your grandchild arrives in this world.

Bad as I feel for your daughter having been raised by such a cold woman, I feel far worse for You...everyone else in your life seems to know what it is to love, even if they aren't doing it in the best manner. They will all be fine, with or without you and your hardened, prideful heart in their lives.

You, on the other hand, are going to end up entirely alone if you don't learn to love. They say pride comes before a fall, and it looks like you're standing on the edge. You can still turn back- you can accept your daughter, start making amends, and save your marriage, or you can keep pushing everyone away with your harsh judgment and anger and find yourself alone with your self-righteous attitude and nobody left to show it off to.

What sounds more satisfying to snuggle with- a new grandson or granddaughter, or your pride?

I sure hope you choose the right one.

 

[JesusLives]

We don't live in heaven yet and so no one is perfect and that includes you Jen9. How would you feel if God wrote the post you wrote about your daughter about you? How will your daughter ever understand God's love if she can't get mother's love?

Believe me my daughter and I are like day and night, our ideas, taste in clothes, and in most everything is opposite of the other. She is 34 now but back when she was 15 or16 we were in a verbal fight and she said to me do you know how you want to hate someone but you just can't? Through gritted teeth I replied YES I do. Meaning at the moment we didn't like each other very much, but underneath it all we still knew we loved each other.

Do you love your daughter unconditionally? 1 Corinthians chapter 13 unconditionally? You are the adult here, the Christian, her example, she was/is your child, learning, needing you and that unconditional love, needing your guidance as a Christian to lead her to Jesus.

I don't know your whole story maybe your parents failed with you and you are just passing it on, but you and your daughter need true unconditional love. SHE NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER - do you think that Jesus would turn her away and never have anything to do with her or her baby again? Think about it. Praying that you will forgive and forget and accept your daughter where she is as Jesus would and help her to become a loving mother and that you will become a loving mother and grandmother and help lead this new baby to Jesus.

 

[Esanta]

Just looking for help here and not bashing. My daughter and I have never gotten along. I had high expectations, as most mothers do. She disappointed me in everything she did. School, friends, personality, just lots of issues. She knows that I don't have a desire for a relationship with her. She has hurt me with her choices in life and I am happiest when we are not around each other. She barely finished high school, although her IQ qualified her for gifted program. Anyway, she finally moved out in November. I was thrilled except that she moved in with her boyfriend and his mom. Instead of college. He has no job and the mother is on public assistance. My husband and I are college educated and in professional careers. This is not what we wanted for our daughter. She is 20, has dropped out of junior colleges every semester since graduating high school.

We don't approve of living with a boy before marriage. This is not the values we taught her. This basically ended what little relationship we had. We tried to be civil to each other before this. But after she decided to go against everything we have tried to teach her, she is not welcomed here. She has come over 3-4 times since then, always resulting is a fight. A couple days ago she came by, when I wasn't here, and told her dad she was 4 months pregnant. I have told her since we had "the talk" in fourth grade that I would never support her if she got pregnant. That is major to me and she understands this fully. Her dad told me when I got home. I called her (first time in months) and told her our relationship is over permanently and completely. She is upset that she is in this predicament but is going to do the best she can.

I have no desire to know about this child. I will not claim it. I wish no harm and will not mistreat this child. I will never see it. My husband is extremely disappointed and upset about her making this mistake, but says he will go to hospital when she delivers. This is causing problems between us. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. This will break my very Godly mother's heart when she finds out. She will not shun my daughter, my mom is a wonderful Christian and I know I fall short.

I am worried about this hurting my marriage. He says what's done is done and we have to accept it. I have harped for years that if she ever got pregnant outside marriage that I will have no part of it. I will not change that. He wants her to be a part of his life and she will not be a part of mine. So we are at an impasse. Any advice at all? You don't have to agree with my decision. Most people that this has happened to are upset but still accept the "grandchild" but this is not something I can not do. The relationship with my daughter was broken long before this, I think that the difference.

The fact that you call your daughter 'it' says it all. Even though you view her as an inanimate object of no worth if she is not surpassing your uncompromising standards, you still expect her to respect you enough to fulfil those standards. The fact that she has an extremely high intelligence suggests that she opposed your ideas because she is smart enough to recognize that you put your desires, expectations and most poignantly your 'image' above any semblance of unconditional love.

The truth is that for as long as the compassion you give to your daughter is wholly and sickeningly conditional upon her reaching your unfair expectations, she will refuse to meet them on principle. She'll suffer for a long time until she realizes that your approval is not needed, nor is a relationship with you deserved on your part, then she will exceed your expectations beyond all reason, in ways you can't fathom.

 

[Esanta]

It is you whom I feel needs to understand what Godliness constitutes, not your daughter.

 

[Nautilus]

Just looking for help here and not bashing. My daughter and I have never gotten along. I had high expectations, as most mothers do. She disappointed me in everything she did. School, friends, personality, just lots of issues. She knows that I don't have a desire for a relationship with her. She has hurt me with her choices in life and I am happiest when we are not around each other. She barely finished high school, although her IQ qualified her for gifted program. Anyway, she finally moved out in November. I was thrilled except that she moved in with her boyfriend and his mom. Instead of college. He has no job and the mother is on public assistance. My husband and I are college educated and in professional careers. This is not what we wanted for our daughter. She is 20, has dropped out of junior colleges every semester since graduating high school.

We don't approve of living with a boy before marriage. This is not the values we taught her. This basically ended what little relationship we had. We tried to be civil to each other before this. But after she decided to go against everything we have tried to teach her, she is not welcomed here. She has come over 3-4 times since then, always resulting is a fight. A couple days ago she came by, when I wasn't here, and told her dad she was 4 months pregnant. I have told her since we had "the talk" in fourth grade that I would never support her if she got pregnant. That is major to me and she understands this fully. Her dad told me when I got home. I called her (first time in months) and told her our relationship is over permanently and completely. She is upset that she is in this predicament but is going to do the best she can.

I have no desire to know about this child. I will not claim it. I wish no harm and will not mistreat this child. I will never see it. My husband is extremely disappointed and upset about her making this mistake, but says he will go to hospital when she delivers. This is causing problems between us. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. This will break my very Godly mother's heart when she finds out. She will not shun my daughter, my mom is a wonderful Christian and I know I fall short.

I am worried about this hurting my marriage. He says what's done is done and we have to accept it. I have harped for years that if she ever got pregnant outside marriage that I will have no part of it. I will not change that. He wants her to be a part of his life and she will not be a part of mine. So we are at an impasse. Any advice at all? You don't have to agree with my decision. Most people that this has happened to are upset but still accept the "grandchild" but this is not something I can not do. The relationship with my daughter was broken long before this, I think that the difference.

You literally souind like the worst mother ever. No wonder your daughter strayed so far from you. You acty as though she was more of a showdog for you to raise up and train, then reap the benefits of your 'good parenting.' Its clear you already ruined her life with your disappointment instead of love. It's probably better for your grandchild that he/she doesn't have to deal with you.

 

[FireHeart]

Jen9 you wanted advice but the advice you need is not what you want, If you claim to be Christian I can assure you your not because Christians are all about love and saddly you lack this very much. So much so its tearing even you and your husband apart. my advice is to seek God and pray for him to come into your heart and for an actual relationship with him. then you must humble yourself and let go any negative feelings and thoughts about your daughter and let God fill your hear with love. if your heart is filled with love there is no room for anything else

 

[sunburn]

Just looking for help here and not bashing. My daughter and I have never gotten along. I had high expectations, as most mothers do. She disappointed me in everything she did. School, friends, personality, just lots of issues. She knows that I don't have a desire for a relationship with her. She has hurt me with her choices in life and I am happiest when we are not around each other. She barely finished high school, although her IQ qualified her for gifted program. Anyway, she finally moved out in November. I was thrilled except that she moved in with her boyfriend and his mom. Instead of college. He has no job and the mother is on public assistance. My husband and I are college educated and in professional careers. This is not what we wanted for our daughter. She is 20, has dropped out of junior colleges every semester since graduating high school.

We don't approve of living with a boy before marriage. This is not the values we taught her. This basically ended what little relationship we had. We tried to be civil to each other before this. But after she decided to go against everything we have tried to teach her, she is not welcomed here. She has come over 3-4 times since then, always resulting is a fight. A couple days ago she came by, when I wasn't here, and told her dad she was 4 months pregnant. I have told her since we had "the talk" in fourth grade that I would never support her if she got pregnant. That is major to me and she understands this fully. Her dad told me when I got home. I called her (first time in months) and told her our relationship is over permanently and completely. She is upset that she is in this predicament but is going to do the best she can.

I have no desire to know about this child. I will not claim it. I wish no harm and will not mistreat this child. I will never see it. My husband is extremely disappointed and upset about her making this mistake, but says he will go to hospital when she delivers. This is causing problems between us. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. This will break my very Godly mother's heart when she finds out. She will not shun my daughter, my mom is a wonderful Christian and I know I fall short.

I am worried about this hurting my marriage. He says what's done is done and we have to accept it. I have harped for years that if she ever got pregnant outside marriage that I will have no part of it. I will not change that. He wants her to be a part of his life and she will not be a part of mine. So we are at an impasse. Any advice at all? You don't have to agree with my decision. Most people that this has happened to are upset but still accept the "grandchild" but this is not something I can not do. The relationship with my daughter was broken long before this, I think that the difference.

PRIDE.
All I can read is pride.
And control.
May be for once, listen your husband. Be under his covering and wisdom. He probably can see something you don't see.
A child is not our possession to toy around with and determine how we want them to be in life.

You are definitely not perfect and you expect a child to live up to your "perfection"
Get a grip.

 

[Jen9]

I am a Christian. I do have love in my heart. This relationship with my daughter is so not typical of my relationship with others. I am usually a very kind and soft hearted person. Do I think I have "done right" by my daughter, no, of course not. I know there is a huge problem there and have been on my knees thousands of times over the years. I see, and agree with much of what has been posted here. I did have high expectations for my daughter, who is beautiful and intelligent. I wanted the very best in life for her. I recognize that my expectations for her were most probably too high. But she has the potential to have an extraordinary life. It breaks my heart for her to have ended up where she is now. She is applying for public assistance, living with a boy who has no intention of college or work, and his mother who had him when she was a teenager, now around 40 and still living on welfare. That is heartbreaking. I pictured my daughter having wonderful life experiences and doing well at a university at this point in her life. (20)

Yes, I am glad Jesus is not like me, aren't we all? I don't know that I agree that if I don't forgive her then He will not forgive me. That would make His love conditional. Thank God He loves us in spite of our weaknesses. It's not really that I don't forgive her, it's more about how much she has hurt us over the years. We only argue and get upset when we talk. My husband and I are happy and get along well except where it concerns our daughter.

I had wonderful, Christian parents and yes, I disappointed them from time to time. I will never measure up to how awesome my parents were.

I never said I didn't love my daughter and I do want her to be happy and be successful in anything she decides to pursue. I don't see her at this point having anything I wanted for her. This is tearing me up inside. This is the one thing that I never wanted to happen. I still can not stop crying, just continuously during the day and night.

I do want advice and thank you to those that offered some. I am just trying to work through a heart wrenching situation.

 

[Esanta]

I am a Christian. I do have love in my heart. This relationship with my daughter is so not typical of my relationship with others. I am usually a very kind and soft hearted person. Do I think I have "done right" by my daughter, no, of course not. I know there is a huge problem there and have been on my knees thousands of times over the years. I see, and agree with much of what has been posted here. I did have high expectations for my daughter, who is beautiful and intelligent. I wanted the very best in life for her. I recognize that my expectations for her were most probably too high. But she has the potential to have an extraordinary life. It breaks my heart for her to have ended up where she is now. She is applying for public assistance, living with a boy who has no intention of college or work, and his mother who had him when she was a teenager, now around 40 and still living on welfare. That is heartbreaking. I pictured my daughter having wonderful life experiences and doing well at a university at this point in her life. (20)

Yes, I am glad Jesus is not like me, aren't we all? I don't know that I agree that if I don't forgive her then He will not forgive me. That would make His love conditional. Thank God He loves us in spite of our weaknesses. It's not really that I don't forgive her, it's more about how much she has hurt us over the years. We only argue and get upset when we talk. My husband and I are happy and get along well except where it concerns our daughter.

I had wonderful, Christian parents and yes, I disappointed them from time to time. I will never measure up to how awesome my parents were.

I never said I didn't love my daughter and I do want her to be happy and be successful in anything she decides to pursue. I don't see her at this point having anything I wanted for her. This is tearing me up inside. This is the one thing that I never wanted to happen. I still can not stop crying, just continuously during the day and night.

I do want advice and thank you to those that offered some. I am just trying to work through a heart wrenching situation.

Jen, you must recognize that what you want for your daughter has to start being secondary to simply loving her for whatever she chooses. You need to recognize the irony in your situation. She goes against what you want for her, simply because what you want for her seems to come before actively loving her as a human being - flaws and all.

Yes, she's smart, yes, she's beautiful, but did you ever think that telling her that without a 'catch' might make her actually believe it?

I mean, you say she's smart and beautiful, but when you degrade and discard her for not living up to your standards, do you think that makes her feel smart and beautiful?

Something to 'reach for' is not what she needs. What she needs is something to step off and bounce upwards. Don't be a 'top-down' mum, always forcing your daughter to reach up high without any unconditional safety net to fall back on. Don't be that mum. Be her support, not her headmaster.

 

[Esanta]

If you don't know how to begin, then start by imagining.

If I were her, regardless of whatever hardy attitude I put across, I would feel so upset that my mother disowned me, but I would also feel intense anger towards her. I would blame her in some ways because her standards for my educational and professional successes came before simply being there for me.

Where were you when you daughter was doing all these things? Were you above her, disagreeing with her choices and telling her she has to be better? Or where you there holding her hand and putting yourself in her shoes?

When she was being told she is extremely smart and beautiful, did you lace it with that poisonous but, or did you tell her you were proud of her intelligence and her beauty and that you were pleased that she was your daughter?

And when she was making her own choices, were you giving her your wisdom, laying out her options and allowing her freedom to make the right choice off her own intutition and insight, or were you berating her and telling her to make the choice you want, or else?

She is a twenty year old woman, yet it sounds like you preside over her as lord and master. You are not her lord and master, but you should be her helper and keeper.

Does that sound like an unfair distribution of responsibility, as though you should care more than she does?? Well that's exactly how it is, and it's exactly how it needs to be if you ever want her respect as more than a whip-master.

You must put aside your expectations and simply understand the reality of this situation. She needs your support, not your demands.

 

[lav]

choosing not to support your child's decisions and still loving them is entirely different from choosing not to love them because of the decisions they make.

and another thing...

okay, fine ! choosing not to support her financially is one thing, but actively rejecting her totally while she is reaching out to you for a relationship is entirely another... not to mention disowning your own grandchild.

regardless of the poor decisions your daughter has made, this new grandson or granddaughter had nothing to do with them.

 

[Esanta]

The greater irony is that in making unconditional love your priority, she will come to respect you enough to listen to you, for real. It should be you proving something to her, not the other way around. You should be proving that you do in fact love her like a mother is supposed to love a child - without bounds.

 

[Esanta]

She will make her own choices regardless of whether you support them or not. At least if you support her in making her own decisions and are there for her if she makes the wrong choice, you would be showing her that you truly do recognize her intelligence, beauty and potential, rather than just professing it on a chat forum.

 

[Esanta]

It is one thing to expect someone to stand admirably on their own two feet, but if you do not create a foundation of security and unconditional compassion and affection for your child she will always fall too far. You need to be allowing her the freedom to make her own choices with bravery, knowing she will be supported even when she makes a mistake, or else she will not only fall through the net and hit the ground hard every time she fails, but she will also despise you for not being there for her when she does fail.

I really don't know how else I can say it.