Past Issues Still Present

[czerka]

My wife and I have been married for 17yrs and there have been a great deal of conflict in hurt through most of it. I am really confused about my wife's perspective on her past behavior.I personally feel like they have never been resolved just swept under the rug. Three years into our marriage she ran off with a guy she had a crush on went to Six Flags and stayed the night in the same hotel with him. She claims that nothing happened because her sister and brother in law were there. A few years later while I was recovering from my vasectomy surgery she went out to a party at a friends house. The next day I found pictures of her another guy drinking together with his arm around her on her camera. Then a couple of years later she was suppose to go over to this guy's house to help her friend clean up after his moving sale. She refused to allow me to go with her and started a fight over the issue and went without me. Afterwards I found out that he was very interested in her and she was very attracted to him and she told me that she was no longer attracted to me. Yet to this day I am not at all suppose to question what might have happened in those incidences. After all this about a year later I marriage was still in a pretty dark place and one night I got drunk and went to a stripclub. A few yeas after that on our anniversary I went out with a buddy to a bar and got drunk and shot pool. To this day she claims that I probably cheated on her at those times because she does not know what happened but at the same time expects me to believe that she never cheated on me even though I was never there to see what happened. I get consistantly treated as if I cannot be trusted and that I have cheated but just have not been caught. I am always being accused of being unfaithful and that going to the strip club was just far worse than anything she ever did. I am constantly being threatened if I am ever unfaithful. She does not trust me to go around the block by myself without suspecting I am up to no good. Basically she treats me like if I am not with her I am probably cheating. If I try to bring up the things she has done to point out that I have just as much right to question her fidelity she becomes furious and basically shuts me down. She also says I do not deserve as much trust because I am a man. None of my feelings about her past behavior have been resolved I am just expected to let it go but its perfectly ok for her to hold my past against me. Can someone give some advice on how to deal with this?

 

[blue_ladybug]

czerka, you and your wife both sound incredibly insecure with each other. I think you need to sit down and talk as two adult, mature people. I think the two of you definitely need couple's counseling. The 2 of you have some major trust issues. Without trust, you have nothing. Maybe she has cheated on you and that's why she's reacting how she does now. These are things you need to ask each other, calmly and without acting childish and accusatory. You both have done wrong in your marriage. Own up to it and ask each other what the next step to making things better is. A really good start would be repenting your sins to God and asking forgiveness from him, and from each other.

 

[Yowie]

Pretty much what blue_ladybug said. I can't see it getting better if don't do those things. Both of you have to be willing though.

 

[santuzza]

The best advice is for both of you to come to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ and to follow God. You have both acted very badly, and not in a godly manner at all.

First, you must both repent of your sins and ask God to forgive you. You also need to start going to church together. On top of that, you should seek Christian counselling.

Marriage is hard enough even with the Lord, I can't imagine how difficult it is without the Lord. So get on your knees, pray, repent and follow God. I think you'll be surprised at how quickly your marriage can heal.

 

[tourist]

My wife and I have been married for 17yrs and there have been a great deal of conflict in hurt through most of it. I am really confused about my wife's perspective on her past behavior.I personally feel like they have never been resolved just swept under the rug. Three years into our marriage she ran off with a guy she had a crush on went to Six Flags and stayed the night in the same hotel with him. She claims that nothing happened because her sister and brother in law were there. A few years later while I was recovering from my vasectomy surgery she went out to a party at a friends house. The next day I found pictures of her another guy drinking together with his arm around her on her camera. Then a couple of years later she was suppose to go over to this guy's house to help her friend clean up after his moving sale. She refused to allow me to go with her and started a fight over the issue and went without me. Afterwards I found out that he was very interested in her and she was very attracted to him and she told me that she was no longer attracted to me. Yet to this day I am not at all suppose to question what might have happened in those incidences. After all this about a year later I marriage was still in a pretty dark place and one night I got drunk and went to a stripclub. A few yeas after that on our anniversary I went out with a buddy to a bar and got drunk and shot pool. To this day she claims that I probably cheated on her at those times because she does not know what happened but at the same time expects me to believe that she never cheated on me even though I was never there to see what happened. I get consistantly treated as if I cannot be trusted and that I have cheated but just have not been caught. I am always being accused of being unfaithful and that going to the strip club was just far worse than anything she ever did. I am constantly being threatened if I am ever unfaithful. She does not trust me to go around the block by myself without suspecting I am up to no good. Basically she treats me like if I am not with her I am probably cheating. If I try to bring up the things she has done to point out that I have just as much right to question her fidelity she becomes furious and basically shuts me down. She also says I do not deserve as much trust because I am a man. None of my feelings about her past behavior have been resolved I am just expected to let it go but its perfectly ok for her to hold my past against me. Can someone give some advice on how to deal with this?

Yes, I am thinking along the lines of divorce. Your wife has cheated on you many times for various reasons and seems to be taking her insecurities out on you. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me. You do not have to tolerate this paranoid behavior and abuse. Save yourself.

 

[Billyd]

My wife and I have been married for 17yrs and there have been a great deal of conflict in hurt through most of it. I am really confused about my wife's perspective on her past behavior.I personally feel like they have never been resolved just swept under the rug. Three years into our marriage she ran off with a guy she had a crush on went to Six Flags and stayed the night in the same hotel with him. She claims that nothing happened because her sister and brother in law were there. A few years later while I was recovering from my vasectomy surgery she went out to a party at a friends house. The next day I found pictures of her another guy drinking together with his arm around her on her camera. Then a couple of years later she was suppose to go over to this guy's house to help her friend clean up after his moving sale. She refused to allow me to go with her and started a fight over the issue and went without me. Afterwards I found out that he was very interested in her and she was very attracted to him and she told me that she was no longer attracted to me. Yet to this day I am not at all suppose to question what might have happened in those incidences. After all this about a year later I marriage was still in a pretty dark place and one night I got drunk and went to a stripclub. A few yeas after that on our anniversary I went out with a buddy to a bar and got drunk and shot pool. To this day she claims that I probably cheated on her at those times because she does not know what happened but at the same time expects me to believe that she never cheated on me even though I was never there to see what happened. I get consistantly treated as if I cannot be trusted and that I have cheated but just have not been caught. I am always being accused of being unfaithful and that going to the strip club was just far worse than anything she ever did. I am constantly being threatened if I am ever unfaithful. She does not trust me to go around the block by myself without suspecting I am up to no good. Basically she treats me like if I am not with her I am probably cheating. If I try to bring up the things she has done to point out that I have just as much right to question her fidelity she becomes furious and basically shuts me down. She also says I do not deserve as much trust because I am a man. None of my feelings about her past behavior have been resolved I am just expected to let it go but its perfectly ok for her to hold my past against me. Can someone give some advice on how to deal with this?

As I read your post, I saw two things missing. The first is God, and the other is a joining together as one. Let God be the master of your life, and make her the center of your life. I'll leave the rest to you.

 

[tenderhearted]

Usually when a person is accusing someone of something for no reason it's because they themselves are guilty of something. She doesn't want to talk about the past because she doesn't want to admit to any wrong doing. Until she repents to God and confesses to you what she has done she will never have peace. The enemy is literally tormenting her with the idea that you are cheating all because she has been keeping lies from you. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Are you both Christians? If so, the only way this will get resolved is with a third party like a minister or spiritual leader. You need to have a talk with her and ask her if she desires to be married to you. If she does, then she needs to agree to repenting, confessing to you, and seeing a counselor with you. Otherwise she will live tormented and you will live a life tortured by all her accusations. The word says that the enemy is the accuser. He will use anything or anyone to keep us feeling condemned. He wants us to miss out on the abundant life that God has for us. You need to pray first before you approach her. Ask that God would soften her heart and that you are able to approach her gently. If she still refuses then you really need to start asking God what to do and if you should physically remain in a situation like this. I will pray for you.

 

[just-me]

My wife and I have been married for 17yrs and there have been a great deal of conflict in hurt through most of it. I am really confused about my wife's perspective on her past behavior.I personally feel like they have never been resolved just swept under the rug. Three years into our marriage she ran off with a guy she had a crush on went to Six Flags and stayed the night in the same hotel with him. She claims that nothing happened because her sister and brother in law were there. A few years later while I was recovering from my vasectomy surgery she went out to a party at a friends house. The next day I found pictures of her another guy drinking together with his arm around her on her camera. Then a couple of years later she was suppose to go over to this guy's house to help her friend clean up after his moving sale. She refused to allow me to go with her and started a fight over the issue and went without me. Afterwards I found out that he was very interested in her and she was very attracted to him and she told me that she was no longer attracted to me. Yet to this day I am not at all suppose to question what might have happened in those incidences. After all this about a year later I marriage was still in a pretty dark place and one night I got drunk and went to a stripclub. A few yeas after that on our anniversary I went out with a buddy to a bar and got drunk and shot pool. To this day she claims that I probably cheated on her at those times because she does not know what happened but at the same time expects me to believe that she never cheated on me even though I was never there to see what happened. I get consistantly treated as if I cannot be trusted and that I have cheated but just have not been caught. I am always being accused of being unfaithful and that going to the strip club was just far worse than anything she ever did. I am constantly being threatened if I am ever unfaithful. She does not trust me to go around the block by myself without suspecting I am up to no good. Basically she treats me like if I am not with her I am probably cheating. If I try to bring up the things she has done to point out that I have just as much right to question her fidelity she becomes furious and basically shuts me down. She also says I do not deserve as much trust because I am a man. None of my feelings about her past behavior have been resolved I am just expected to let it go but its perfectly ok for her to hold my past against me. Can someone give some advice on how to deal with this?

All of us judge others the way we see ourselves in comparison. The Bible says to confess our faults one to another and be healed. (I speak of healing relationships) This takes guts, and honesty from the heart of the confessor. Marriage takes two people with a desire toward each other. Fear, and selfishness are entities that prohibit honesty. Most people desire to hide the truth that they know about themselves. This is a form of hypocrisy. Marriages will always have problems because we are all human, and fallible. As for right now, my wife and I are trying to reckon with things developed from her childhood, and we have been married for 43 years. I am afraid that I will not be compatible with her in the future because she is finally starting to blossom like a flower that was sprayed with a growth inhibitor 43 years ago.

 

[Angela53510]

Christians don't go to bars, parties or drink to excess. It seems to me that neither of you know Jesus Christ, and I do not believe that your marriage can be saved without a relationship with him.

Marriage is always hard, but add liquor and unsavory places to the mix, and you have a recipe for disaster. Please get out the Bible, and read the New Testament. Read Proverbs too. It says a lot about unfaithful women.

I pray you will find a Bible believing church, commit your life to Christ, and then we can talk about the marriage. Praying you take this in love. I just know what my life was like before Christ, and I wouldn't go back to that lifestyle for anything. Let alone the fact that you are going to spend eternity apart from God.