Falling out of Love or Bored with my Marriage

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helplesslyconfused74

Guest
#1
I'm so confused....
I've been married now for 12 years and 5 months. We have four children (two of which are biologically his). For the past 2 years I feel like we are growing further apart. We are still pretty young, 40 and 44. We act like a a very old couple with no life. The most we ever do is out to eat. I admit I started having a mid life crises at the age of 38. I have however found what I feel like I lost over the years. That beautiful happy go lucky woman who wants to enjoy life. My husband and I don't communicate well. He does try but repeats his self everyday all day long about his job (which he claims he hates). I get irritated by the littlest things. It's like a cycle, we're good for a couple of weeks then I'm ready to pack my bags and leave. Not sure if we just need to reconnect or am I truly over thus marrige....
 
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sunburn

Guest
#2
I'm so confused....
I've been married now for 12 years and 5 months. We have four children (two of which are biologically his). For the past 2 years I feel like we are growing further apart. We are still pretty young, 40 and 44. We act like a a very old couple with no life. The most we ever do is out to eat. I admit I started having a mid life crises at the age of 38. I have however found what I feel like I lost over the years. That beautiful happy go lucky woman who wants to enjoy life. My husband and I don't communicate well. He does try but repeats his self everyday all day long about his job (which he claims he hates). I get irritated by the littlest things. It's like a cycle, we're good for a couple of weeks then I'm ready to pack my bags and leave. Not sure if we just need to reconnect or am I truly over thus marrige....
Have you met someone?
Are you emotionally getting attached to another man or thinking about it?
Are you a christian?
You could well be experiencing hormonal changes.
Many women have gone through or entering menopause with feelings of hopelessness, and trying to blame their husband if they are lucky enough to even be married.
Do you work?
Do you have hobbies?
Do't be foolish.
You can enjoy your life right where you are and not drag everyone into your "misery"
Your husband is not responsible for your happiness.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

santuzza

Senior Member
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#3
Sounds like you're in a bit of a rut. And the difference between a rut and a grave is just a few feet! So climb out!

What attracted you to your husband in the first place? What were the first things that really struck you? Why did you marry him? Get back to basics. Do you go to church together? Do you pray together? Do you study the Bible together?

Dinner out together is nice, but mix it up a bit. Go to a movie or concert or show -- something you can discuss. Take a weekend away together, just the two of you (no kids). Spice it up in the bedroom... I'll just leave it at that!

Also, make sure you make time for you -- get your hair done, but a new outfit, get a manicure. If you feel good about yourself, your hubby will feel good about you too. Have a little fun!

But most of all, pray, pray, pray. God will encourage you. And DON'T give up on your marriage!
 
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helplesslyconfused74

Guest
#4
Wow..thank you Santuzza. There's things you said that really hit home. Especially the part about taking time for myself. I do feel like I have gotten into a rut. Since I've turned forty seems like I have to compete for his love. Make sure his heart stays home. I want the compliments on my hair, the you look nice today moments... You're right I just need to pray!
 
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helplesslyconfused74

Guest
#5
Sunburn,
Nobody's peeked my interest other than my husband. I do work, I have hobbies and I am a Christian. I do know that my husband is not responsible for all my happiness but I do feel he plays a major role. Always knew marriage wasn't 50/50 but you still expect to get back some of what you give out. But you could be right hormones are crazy or they could be opening my eyes to what's lacking in my marriage. I'll have to pray really hard on this one. Thank you..☺
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,081
1,748
113
#6
Hi,

It sounds like you are in a place where you can be easily tempted. The book of Jeremiah says that just as a treacherous wife departs from her husband, so Israel had departed from God. If you have a husband who has been good to you and you leave him over some emotional issues, that's a treacherous thing to do. It's a kind of unfaithfulness if it isn't adultery. Malachi talks about men being treacherous to their wives by putting them away, too. Treachery in marriage is not a good thing and it is not pleasing to God.

I heard the evangelist and pastor David Wilkerson speak in person once when I was a child. I remember him saying that someone asked him what he would do if he realized he no longer loved his wife. He said he'd get down on his knees and pray and repent until he did. That makes sense. Not loving his wife would be a sin. If he didn't love her, he wouldn't need a divorce. He'd need to repent.

Hormonal changes can make life difficult. I'm a man, and so I've never been through menopause, but I hear it can cause some major mood changes. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of women foolishly decide to divorce over such things. Small problems can get blown out of proportion if you aren't feeling well, whether it's hormones, sickness, or if you are just tired.

Instead of thinking of leaving, you can think of how to reconnect. If your husband knows you've been thinking of leaving, maybe he knows what kind of condition the marriage is in from your perspective. He may be confused about why you are unsatisfied and not know what to do to help you. There may be some sort of seminar on communication in marriage you two could attend. Something that may help you is finding a group of godly women who encourage one another to be good wives, not women who say, "What? He didn't give you flowers. You'd better leave that man." Instead, the women should encourage you through this time.

Someone suggested spicing things up in the bedroom. Here is a passage about that topic from Proverbs 5,
[SUP]18 [/SUP]Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
[SUP]19 [/SUP] a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
[SUP]20 [/SUP]Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
[SUP]21 [/SUP]For a man's ways are before the eyes of the Lord,
and he ponders all his paths.
[SUP]22 [/SUP]The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him,
and he is held fast in the cords of his sin.
[SUP]23 [/SUP]He dies for lack of discipline,
and because of his great folly he is led astray.
(ESV)

I like that part in verse 19 about always being intoxicated in her love. We see here instruction for both husbands and wives when it comes to sexuality. The man is to devote his attention to his wife, not someone else. The wife is to make her husband drunk with her love.

I've read that when a couple make love, a hormone called oxytocin is released. It's released at other times through skin contact. Mothers release a lot of the hormone while nursing infants. Holding children also releases it. It's a bonding hormone. There are other hormone in our bodies. You may be able to feel more bonded to your husband if you two increase the intimacy. If you were to double it, for example, to try to bond more, that might be an interesting experiment to try for a while and see if it helps with your moods. Intimacy releases hormones that can help with hormonal moods wings, or so I've heard, and various other things.


On the communication side of things, you could ask your husband to do little 'exercises' with you, for example where you talk to each other very kindly like when you were dating. Or take a few minutes to write down really good traits about the other person. Then, after you have organized your thoughts, take turns pointing them all out. It feels good to hear someone tell you all the good things about you, and it can be a bonding experience.

I also heard a marriage speaker at a church talk about how men and women talk differently. He said his parents didn't communicate well. His mom wanted his dad to look her in the eye and talk to her while they drank tea. He said men doesn't look at each other as much as they talk, and talk while they do things. So he suggested they go on walks together. They did, and her husband started to open up as they walked around. So they'd have walks, which were good for exercise, and for talking to each other, and it seemed to greatly help their marriage.