custody battle over teenager

[firefly1207]

Hello everyone, I am new. Just feeling really down. i go to court tomorrow to fight for my 16 year old son. I divorced in 2001 with a joint custody agreement for our 2 & 10 year old. In 2006, because i wanted to leave the state and my ex continued to harrass me and play games I was awarded sole custody of 8 year old son and my 15 year old son was turned against me by father and he went to live with dad. Now my youngest is 16 years old, in football, popular, GPA of 3.68 and great kid. He went to visit his dad and now wants to stay. Dad is the pal and I am the parent. He tells me the court will do what he wants since he is 16 years old. Even though I have sole custody I always send reports, etc. schedules to ex because I know that no matter how bad he is he is still Logan's dad. He remarried and ex and wife are so inmature and vicious people. Always cussing and drumming up drama. My son did come home for a few hours in his dad's car of course so he wouldnt stay and was cussing etc. I reminded him that he wont do that here in my home and the rest of the night was great. He says he loves me alot and he was the one that handed me the petition that his dad had done on june 14 but Logan handed me the opened envelope on june 27th. he was torn and crying. He has ADHD and his dad is not giving him his meds. He is different without them less focused which is scary since he is driving now. I am going to try to fight this. Why would a father want his son to change schools starting his junior year. His dad signed him up for football there even though I have full custody. Police would not help me get him back. My oldest son droppped out of high school and now smokes pot every 30 mins. and ex step son got a possession of drug paraphanilia charge and alcohol of minor charge while living with ex in high school. No supervision. I am torn up big time. All I can do is cry. My ex has never contacted me before or after he filed petition. I got attoenry and we got for temp custody tomorrow. I am hoping the new judge will see what the old judge wrote and realize my son needs to come home and be stable graduate and then I would drive him to his dads! None of this makes sense to me. I am so sad and scared

 

[Angela53510]

Praying for your son to stay in your home and away from such an ungodly influence. I think your son wants to take the easy route- the "do whatever you want" way.

I would get your whole church to pray about this, and also post in the prayer forum.

 

[firefly1207]

Thank you. I dont have a church home right now but in process of looking for one. I am just so torn and dont know what to do with myself. I am 43 and I decided to go back to finish up my RN degree. I am usually busy but now I am on break until Aug 24 which is good in the sense I have time to deal with this but bad because I have alot of time on my hands. I worry about what if he wins? How does a mother let go? This was all just a shock to me. My ex went behind my back and did this never even tried talking to me about it. He has a filthy mouth, filthy heart and is very disrespectful to women. My youngest son has a chance to be something. He has already talked him out of going to a 4 yr college. In the state of Il the judge does listen to childs wishes but they must also consider other factors that would be in best interest of child. Considering the history with ex I am hoping the judge wont change his senior judges orders. I am just scared to death. I have lost 13 pounds in 2 weeks. My heart is broke. I pray to God. I hope he is listening

 

[firefly1207]

Exactly what 16 year old would not want to live in a house where you can do whatever you want. I have not been perfect but I can say I have been a good mom and i have raised him since he was 2 by myself. My exhusband doesnt work with me but uses the kids to hurt me. It is clear he doesnt have my son best interest at heart. Everything was great right up until the time my son came to me crying his eyes out and handed me the paperwork that my ex couldnt hand me himself or talk to me about. I feel so betrayed, lied to, hurt

 

[dabodab]

Hi Firefly1207,

i am somewhat familiar with family law and have a suggestion.

You said an attorney is on your case, but those guys are sometimes like doctors. You have to tell them what you want.

Get as many declarations about your son as you can, especially from school. Teachers, administrators, aids, coaches, anyone and everyone. Next get declarations from your friends, his friends, family, anyone who knows about your sons successful whatever, stability, grades, attitude, comments he's made about your care for him, anything and everything positive. Sometimes declarations are also gathered as to how detrimental it would be for him to be with you, as opposed to his father. You can submit as many of these declarations you want! Your attorney can explain more about this.

Declarations should be addressed to the court together with case number, signed under penalty of perjury and dated.

Something like this:

Dear (Court or judge) I have known this person for so many years. He is an upstanding young man with good grades and a helpful and righteous attitude. I believe these are a result of being in his mothers care, etc. Let each person use their own words.

Hopefully this helps. If you already know about declarations, now so does everyone here! <smile>

 

[firefly1207]

Thank you for your comment. I am just wearing myself researching, crying, more researching, etc. I have a declaration from his coach. Since his dad is claiming mental/physical/emotional abuse i have his current physical dated 5/21/14 from his doctor which includes a depression assessment, I got a letter from a counselor he saw for another issue about 6 months ago, no claims of abuse what so ever. I have text messages that say they will change the wording of the paperwork if I agree to sign. Which just tells the judge that it is false. If my child was being abused I would not be changing any paperwork for any reason. It is just more game playing from ex. It is all about control. Which I have the post judgement order where judge says "dad exercises his visitation rights out of control for petitioner and children". I go tomorrow and I have to believe that a true judge will see what the previous judge saw and how dysfunctional it is no matter how old the boy is.

 

[Sirk]

I'm sorry you are in this position. Divorce is such a terrible thing and its consequences are so far reaching.

I am 43 years old now. When my parents divorced I was 13. I lived with my mom for about 2 years. When was 15 or so I moved in with my dad. About a year or so ago my mom told me that she felt rejected by me all those years ago and that she STILL held it against me for moving in with my dad. I was a mixed up teenager from a broken home and my mom held a grudge against ME???? I was pretty shocked by it frankly as well as it being pretty revealing to me about the level of my mothers emotional maturity. You should know... I swallowed my pain and I said to her "I'm sorry mom....that must have been really painful for you to be rejected like that". To this day, she never has acknowledged my pain from my parents divorce and the sucky teenage years I had as a result.

Now that I have been divorced and remarried, my mother chose my ex wife over me and my relationship with her is non existent. I was shocked that my mom held onto that for almost 30 years. I will never know for sure as my dad is now deceased, but I believe that he convinced me to move in with him so he could get out of child support. The moment I turned 16 he emancipated me and sent me to live with an Aunt and Uncle.

There is so much more to this story but I want you to know that you are navigating some very tricky waters and the decisions that you make now in regards to your son.....in words and actions.... are going to effect you both far into the future. Be wise, pray, educate yourself and most importantly......don't let your emotions guide you.

 

[firefly1207]

Judge said son has to come back home and start school here. Son is very angry at me. How do I deal with his anger? I know he loves his father as he should but his dad is the pal and I'm the parent. His dads step son got drug paraphamilia charge and alcohol of minor charge while living with my ex and his wife. My oldest son went to go live with dad at 15 and dropped out of high school and now smokes pot. my youngest son is so angry at me because the judge said he had to come back home until he made the final decision on September 30th. My son told me how much I run his football career and how much he was happy there and why I can't support him. I want better for him

 

[Sirk]

Acknowledge his anger. Try to understand it. See it through his eyes. Don't judge it.

 

[jogoldie]

My sister...this too shall pass.....he will fit in at his new school...if he is an athlete he will make friends fast.....
When I was in the summer of my junior year my parents moved me to another state....i was sooo angry.....my friends...
my,life was taken from me....that lasted until school started...then I met so many people and made friends....
Once I was playing my sport and doing what I love....anger faded fast....I loved my new place....
Just be understanding and honest with him...being mad isnt a bad thing....just what we do with it ...thats where
we fall....or rise up from it....dont hide what is happening...sit him down and talk to him like a man.....go online with him
check out the schedule for football...maybe ask him to make an appt.to talk to the coach...once he meets the coach and
feels comfortable about his upcoming season....let him know you will do all you can to help him ..showing you care
about the thing he loves(football)....he will soon come to realize your on his side.....
He will work it out....with help from God.....
Im praying for your peace.....and your sons understanding....

 

[firefly1207]

He is mad because judge said he stays with mom until when and if change occurs. My ex brother is testifying against him because he knows I'm a good mom and his family and brothers house is dysfunctional . my oldest son just said I couldn't have my grandson because I didn't let my youngest son go freely and he is punishing me. This is exactly y I'm fighting . my ex uses his children as pawns now my son doing same thing just mean and malicious. I have given my oldest son probably 5,000 I. Last 4 years and I always try to be there but this is what happened to him when I let my oldest go live with his dad

 

[dabodab]

Ahhhhhh well he is angry. You are not required to make his life comfortable, but to teach him how to live his life. Your example, by your response to possible hostility from him, will be key. Time to grow a backbone (seems you may already have sprouts, at the very least) and be the mom in spite of your sons discomfort. It may get better but nothing changes without prayer! And if it doesn't get better , well you have only two years to go. But they can be valuable years. And your last to influence him.

Commit to God your way, whether or not your son is comfortable. You are the mom. He is the man- child!

 

[firefly1207]

Thank you for that. That was actually one of the first responses that confirms what I am trying to say .

 

[firefly1207]

This morning my son was in a fender bender. He called me because he was scared. He rear ended another car and coukd have been ticketed for having too many kids in car. He was like mom can u come help , thanks mom I love you . this was the same boy that was cussing me and wishing I was dead a few short days ago. Just reminded me who he runs to when in trouble .