Advice for matter with our son

[happycouple]

Hello,

We are a Christian couple who would like some advice from other Christian parents with a particular issue we currently have.
Our children are not yet saved although we pray for this daily. We obviously love our children very much and do our best to raise them within our Christian values. They are all teenagers now so it can be challenging.
We are going for a family holiday and invited our son's girlfriend. She is also non-Christian. Our son is happy with this but he has asked if they can share a room whilst we are away. On one hand this is a mature sensible approach for him to take and we are very proud of him for feeling able to broach the subject with us. However, our initial reaction is to say no as it's against our Christian values. The problem we have is that we want to set a good example to our kids but we're not sure if this is a good or bad example by saying no. We have explained our point of view but as he is fairly closed to Christian ways we are worried this will further turn him away.
We'd be grateful to hear other Christian viewpoints on this. Thank you.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

Hmmm

I think the approach would depend on several things. Like how old they are and how long they have been together.
It also depends on what kind of relationship they have.

In most cases people seem to be better off avoiding situations that can lead to temptations, however, some people are able to do things innocently. (I have slept in the same bed as male friends without there being any "intentions" to it several times, but they were not boyfriends, so I don't know how much that would change the situation).

Whatever decision you make, it doesn't have to only about "because we are Christians", but "because those are our values"

 

[happycouple]

Thanks for your reply.
My son is 18 and his girlfriend is 17. They have been together for around 6 months.
In answer to your point, although the request is to share a room it's not just about sharing the space or the bed. We're talking about a sexual relationship and are realistic about that.

 

[Ugly]

If this is your home, then regardless of his age, he is to be expect to live under the rules of your home. This is true of family or friends. Why should you compromise your beliefs or standards just to cater to his wishes?
The bible says to 'avoid all appearances of evil'. Would you feel comfortable announcing to your pastor, your unsaved friend that you're witnessing to that you allowed yours sons girlfriend to sleep in a room with him? How do you think that would affect your witness if a person thought that's the kind of home you run?
While it may be 'possible' that all they do is sleep and nothing further, what of the way this will look? What does this teach him about what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship? If sleeping together in a bed a few nights is ok by you, then shoot, they may as well move in together eventually. The more you permit, the more you open up in the future.
How about in Corinthians... You say, "I am allowed to do anything"--but not everything is good for you. You say, "I am allowed to do anything"--but not everything is beneficial. Is this good and beneficial to your son? To? Your household? Your conscience? Standards? Your witness? Your following 'avoid all appearances of evil'?
Sounds to me as though you're more interested in rewarding his 'sensible approach' to come to you rather than finding a loving way to stand firm on your convictions. If these are your values ("a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.") why are you so willing to cast them aside?

 

[happycouple]

Ugly, Since joining this morning to seek some sound Christian advice on this particular matter I have read a few of your recent replies to others and now to my question.
Any advice sought or given should be done with Christian love.....not with your scolding approach.
Although I thank you for taking time to reply and I agree with most opf your points, I do think your tone leaves a lot to be desired.
We're trying to balance proper witness with Christian values and the worldy view. We know we can't just conceded to the world but this is our son and we want to do everyhting we can to lead him to Christ. By simply saying no, with no explanation or thought on our part would be wrong.

 

[MissCris]

I personally would give a resounding "no" on this.

While it's good to explain reasons for things to our kids, they are simply not going to be fully able to understand where we're coming from all the time. For example, when I was a teenager, my mother had a pretty strict stance on my being alone with a boyfriend- which I didn't like, and rebelled against, because I didn't really get the issue with it. The more I pushed my mom to let me do what I wanted, the more she gave in to- to the point of allowing me to drop out of school and get married when I was 17. She had told me no, of course, but I didn't really understand why, and I just did what I wanted.

I wish like anything that she'd been more firm about it...because as a teenager, I didn't have the wisdom to see what I was getting into, or the far-reaching consequences of my actions.

So no, your son will probably not really "get it" if you say no and try to explain why, but it's your job as his parents to teach and protect him (and in this case, his girlfriend as she will be under your supervision).

Also, this girl- how do her parents feel about them sharing a room? Try to see it from a different point of view here; would you want a daughter of yours sharing a bed with a boyfriend at that age? I would hope the answer to that is no- and I hope you choose to tell your son no in order to protect this girl (even if they're in a sexual relationship already, you may not be able to do much about it for the most part, but you can-and should- put your foot down and not allow it on your watch).

Your son is very nearly a man, yes, and it's good to treat him as one...but he's also still largely controlled by his hormones and a childlike selfishness. That's where you come in and correct him and say no, this isn't the right way to do things. He may be upset, sure...but when parents yield to their children out of fear of upsetting them, those children usually turn out to be spoiled, selfish, and just...lost. If you're truly trying to teach Christian values, then you really ought to firmly tell him no.

 

[Yowie]

I understand this is tough. I usually don't expect those who aren't christians to hold to christian values so that's why I'd find it tough. For me personally, and this is said hypothetically without praying about it beforehand (which could be the issue) if it was my son I would probably say, "I'm not comfortable with you sharing a room with your girlfriend for a range of reasons and because of that I'm not going to allow it."
I don't know if I'd even raise the christian value/perspective thing, but go more along the lines of (maybe throw some humour in there) knowing what it's like to be a teen in a relationship and not being naive to what they do or want to get up to, so out of responsibility under my supervision I'm not allowing it. With my son I usually tell him what I think about a certain matter and then leave the decision to him, hoping he'll make the right one, but there's also times where it's not up for debate and I let him know it's not happening. Discernment is needed there

I'm not one to usually give a "stock standard christian response", like pray about it. I wouldn't be surprised if you already have. But yeah... pray about it.

 

[Nautilus]

Since he is only eighteen and his girlfriend not even that old yet, then I think you still are well within your rights to say no. Personally I would have a different answer if they were both in their mid-twenties.

 

[jogoldie]

I have a question...you didnt mention the girlfriends parents......I think that they should be informed also......
Because if it was my 17 year old daughter.......their opinion on the matter should count.......
As a parent allowing my daughter to go on vacation with her boyfriends family......I would have to trust
that his parents are keeping her safe.....from everything....even their son.....

 

[sunburn]

Hi,
I wouldn't let my son bring a 17 year old for me to assist them , watch them while he is making her pregnant or exchange some kind of STD right under my nose ;
and all the while, I am next door stressing whether I have done the right thing or not.
You already know this is wrong.
Him not being a christian doesn't change common sense from all of you.

It seems you do love your child and want him to trust and you do want to create a bond between you, but this is not a good way to go about it.
You are not obliged to invite the girlfriend but for some reasons you felt it was ok to do so by reasoning about his non christian state.

Apart from the age, If she was even a long term girlfriend with some degree of acquaintances between you and her family, I could even understand your decision but a 6 month old fling ?

Believe it or not, our children watch us, our decisions and what we believe in. He might not be a christian but he will always appreciate morality in the long run.
And will respect you for this.

 

[notuptome]

In my country it is against the law for children to do what you know is going on.

God does not condone fornication at any age.

You decide if you want to live to please God or your son. Your son will need to decide who he will live to please Himself or God.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[tenderhearted]

It sounds like you're saying that you're against them sleeping together, but you feel like by telling him no, you will be pushing him away from Christianity. I think that you should trust God with this situation. You don't want to be driven by fear, which is what it seems like. At the end of the day the holy spirit is the one who leads people to Christ. I personally would tell my son no and remind him that he is loved. Also, I would share my personal beliefs with him and then just trust God. Your son may resent you at first, but he will thank you later. Most importantly I believe that God will give you the desires of your heart because you trusted him. Also, remember that God's desire has always been that your son be saved even before it was yours

Lastly, if I allowed my son to sleep with his girlfriend in the same room and she became pregnant or worse-- I would feel responsible. I feel like as parents we are accountable to God for our Children, so I want to make sure I'm doing the best thing for my kids. It sounds like you are trying to do that. Keep praying for your son and trust God with his salvation

 

[dabodab]

In another thread here a woman has disowned her unwed pregnant daughter and will reject the baby also. She wants to know what others here think about that. I couldn't help but draw a parallel to your question. Although your situations are vastly different, they are eerily similar due to their no-brainer answer: Don't do that!

 

[Angela53510]

I agree that this is fornication. It really has nothing to do with their age. Now if they were adults and had lived together for many years, it might be difficult to separate them. But you are talking about two people, one not legal age (What is the legal age of adulthood in Scotland?) Really, I know where I live, the legal age for voting and drinking is 18. But they changed that law the year I was just turning 18, and I know I was not ready to be an adult in those days.

Please don't worry about turning your children off to God. Taking a stand and being a righteous parent is a godly thing to do. It may upset them today, but one day they will look back and be glad you set those boundaries.

Have a good time, and please separate rooms!

 

[Dan58]

Does your son or his girlfriend have jobs? If not, and he gets her pregnant, guess who's going to pay? There's a time and place for everything, but letting a couple of teenagers get it on in your house has consequences. Christianity aside, its just not logical. When they're both grown-up, able to support themselves, and learn what a commitment is, then they can decide for themselves. But right now, I'd assign separate beds and not allow them to play. jmo

 

[GodIsSalvation]

I would say your inclination to not allow them to share a room is the right inclination.

It is good though that you at least invite his girlfriend along, very accepting and kind of you. Aye though, with teens it is best to keep a wary eye out. I also liked jogoldie's idea of running this past the girlfriend's parents too. I think you'll be okay though in this situation as long as you clearly lay down the rules.