Not sure what to do in my situation.

[musicman60]

If this is the incorrect forum for this, pleas let me know and I will move it....

To start with....I need to confess that I am responsible entirely for my current situation. I am not putting off blame on anyone but myself.

I am a believing Christian and have been for over 30 years. I have been married for just over 29 years now and have four grown kids. Just over four months ago my wife and I separated. Our marriage has struggled for over a decade and I was convinced by hanging in there and prayer and trying to change things would get better. We (my wife and I) got along well, but it was as friends, not as lovers. There was no intimacy in the relationship at all and I could not be emotionally vulnerable with her any more. There are a host of reasons behind this decision, but I was the one who made the decision to separate. One issue is I have an innate distrust of counseling so I never sought counseling for us. I had many friends do counseling and more of them ended up worse off afterwards than when they started than the ones who were helped. Instead I read books, prayed, talked to friends who I respected about good marriage practices. In retrospect that was not good thinking on my part.

Anyways, I chose to separate. My wife was very shocked. My child who still lived at home was not. They had seen the distance clearly. I moved into a friends spare room to stay. My wife and I saw each other several times a week when I was at the house for one reason or another. We talked after a month and I had not changed my mind. I still have not on that front. While I do still deeply care for my wife, I simply cannot be married to her any longer. She is the most bitter, negative person I have ever known. That has only gotten worse through the separation (which is to be expected I think, she is very angry with me). I work for a Christian organization and told my boss and the HR people about the situation and while not happy they were supportive initially. That is no longer the case. They have decided that if I move forward with the divorce I will be fired. At this point my wife is also in favor of the divorce and wants me to file the paperwork. I can't until my job situation is better (ie. a new job).

If you have been in this situation you know that it is difficult to deal with inside the church. Most of my church friends, nearly all of whom know the situation, have said nothing and/or are avoiding me (since I am the 'leaver' and thus am a horrible sinner). I am lacking people to talk to and you desperately need people to talk to in this situation. Thus enters the big complication.

I play online games on occasion. Inside of one of those games I was a member of a in-game guild. A good number of people in that guild created our own chat forum. In that forum I met a Christian lady in the same circumstance. She was separated from her husband and seeking a divorce (which is still in process). We were able to help each other through some tough days and nights and encourage one another. We eventually discovered we live about 1 hour apart from each other and eventually decided to meet. And yes, we have fallen for each other quite hard. We connect with each other on so many levels and are both wanting to move into a permanent situation when we are both divorced. We have not slept with each other (no sex) but do have a semi-physical relationship and we are very deeply emotionally tied to one another. It was easy to justify at the beginning because we had both left our spouses with no intention of returning prior to our relationship.

But, we both realize that this is indeed an affair. No, we are not sleeping together and yes we have emotionally left our spouses, but we are both still legally married. And this is an affair none the less. As I have been reading different books/articles/blogs I am seeing that the odds of a relationship working that was started this quickly out of a marriage are pretty grim. I am also not going to abandon my faith, as flawed and imperfect as I am on my good days. I live in the grace and forgiveness of God daily anyways - that has always been my sole claim to righteousness - that Jesus died for me. Period. But I also know this is not a healthy place to be spiritually and that the intense emotions we feel towards each other could be a rebound from the deadness we both had in our last marriage. Maybe, just maybe, this is in fact the real thing and we could get married and have a fantastic relationship, but I know what I am doing now is not honoring to God nor to my family.

But I am not sure what to do. I do truly love this other lady more than I have ever loved a woman. My current wife and I were never this connected ever in our relationship. I want to get my relationship with God straight right now and I think some time without any emotional attachments will help me get my head and soul in the right place. But I feel that if I were to end or put this relationship with the other woman on hold that I am throwing her to the emotional dogs. Her current husband has alienated nearly all of her friends from her. She has almost no support team behind her. She is at a new church and knows almost no one there. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how I can get right with God in this relationship, but I fear what damage might happen to her if I were to back away. I have considered writing her and email asking to put the relationship on hold until we are both legally divorced. But because of my work situation it may be months before I can even file papers. And is this too soon even if we did go on hold for 3 - 6 months?

Any tidbits of wisdom appreciated. I know I have made a mess of this whole thing.....

 

[presidente]

Don't you really know what the right thing to do is? Biblically, you don't have a leg to stand on with this emotional affair your having. You left your wife and found another woman.

I don't think you really love this other woman, not in a I Corinthians 13 sense. If you loved her, you wouldn't want to bring her into the sin of adultery. Causing another believer to stumble into sin isn't the God-kind of love. You may get a dopamine fix off of her. That's one kind of 'love', but not the good kind.

I believe you should cut off communication with this woman. If your wife is bitter and negative, was she that way before you left her? If she was, you could tell her you left because she was bitter and negative, but you are willing to reconcile. You work on her stuff, and she works on her stuff. She's got to quit being bitter. You've got to quit your affair and act like a husband and a father. You married her. In the Old Testament, a wife had a right to food, clothing, and sex. Can you really provide all the husbandly stuff when you are out of the house? How about loving her, talking to her? What does the Bible say about a man who will not provide for his own?

As far as counseling goes, I know what you are saying. Some people act like it is the solution and the automatic next step. I don't know if statistically it helps saves marriages or not. But you aren't getting counseling from a statistic. Before hiring a counselor, check him out. If the counselor is one of these who thinks that divorce is okay as long as it makes people feel better about themselves don't go to him. If he takes one side all the time, don't go to that counselor. If the counselor doesn't embrace Ephesians 5 gender roles, don't go to that counselor. It sounds like you need respect in the marriage, and the counselor needs to back you up on that, just like he should back up the wife on the need for love and other needs.

I want you to think long and hard about the pain your putting your kids through, too.

If your wife wants you back, she may be willing to work on the emotional and physical intimacy side of things. What effort did you make to help improve things before you left?

 

[sassylady]

Commitment is what you need even when the feelings are not there. Love is not based on feelings, love is a verb. You are committing adultery regardless of the reason you are seeing this other woman.

 

[tourist]

If this is the incorrect forum for this, pleas let me know and I will move it....

To start with....I need to confess that I am responsible entirely for my current situation. I am not putting off blame on anyone but myself.

I am a believing Christian and have been for over 30 years. I have been married for just over 29 years now and have four grown kids. Just over four months ago my wife and I separated. Our marriage has struggled for over a decade and I was convinced by hanging in there and prayer and trying to change things would get better. We (my wife and I) got along well, but it was as friends, not as lovers. There was no intimacy in the relationship at all and I could not be emotionally vulnerable with her any more. There are a host of reasons behind this decision, but I was the one who made the decision to separate. One issue is I have an innate distrust of counseling so I never sought counseling for us. I had many friends do counseling and more of them ended up worse off afterwards than when they started than the ones who were helped. Instead I read books, prayed, talked to friends who I respected about good marriage practices. In retrospect that was not good thinking on my part.

Anyways, I chose to separate. My wife was very shocked. My child who still lived at home was not. They had seen the distance clearly. I moved into a friends spare room to stay. My wife and I saw each other several times a week when I was at the house for one reason or another. We talked after a month and I had not changed my mind. I still have not on that front. While I do still deeply care for my wife, I simply cannot be married to her any longer. She is the most bitter, negative person I have ever known. That has only gotten worse through the separation (which is to be expected I think, she is very angry with me). I work for a Christian organization and told my boss and the HR people about the situation and while not happy they were supportive initially. That is no longer the case. They have decided that if I move forward with the divorce I will be fired. At this point my wife is also in favor of the divorce and wants me to file the paperwork. I can't until my job situation is better (ie. a new job).

If you have been in this situation you know that it is difficult to deal with inside the church. Most of my church friends, nearly all of whom know the situation, have said nothing and/or are avoiding me (since I am the 'leaver' and thus am a horrible sinner). I am lacking people to talk to and you desperately need people to talk to in this situation. Thus enters the big complication.

I play online games on occasion. Inside of one of those games I was a member of a in-game guild. A good number of people in that guild created our own chat forum. In that forum I met a Christian lady in the same circumstance. She was separated from her husband and seeking a divorce (which is still in process). We were able to help each other through some tough days and nights and encourage one another. We eventually discovered we live about 1 hour apart from each other and eventually decided to meet. And yes, we have fallen for each other quite hard. We connect with each other on so many levels and are both wanting to move into a permanent situation when we are both divorced. We have not slept with each other (no sex) but do have a semi-physical relationship and we are very deeply emotionally tied to one another. It was easy to justify at the beginning because we had both left our spouses with no intention of returning prior to our relationship.

But, we both realize that this is indeed an affair. No, we are not sleeping together and yes we have emotionally left our spouses, but we are both still legally married. And this is an affair none the less. As I have been reading different books/articles/blogs I am seeing that the odds of a relationship working that was started this quickly out of a marriage are pretty grim. I am also not going to abandon my faith, as flawed and imperfect as I am on my good days. I live in the grace and forgiveness of God daily anyways - that has always been my sole claim to righteousness - that Jesus died for me. Period. But I also know this is not a healthy place to be spiritually and that the intense emotions we feel towards each other could be a rebound from the deadness we both had in our last marriage. Maybe, just maybe, this is in fact the real thing and we could get married and have a fantastic relationship, but I know what I am doing now is not honoring to God nor to my family.

But I am not sure what to do. I do truly love this other lady more than I have ever loved a woman. My current wife and I were never this connected ever in our relationship. I want to get my relationship with God straight right now and I think some time without any emotional attachments will help me get my head and soul in the right place. But I feel that if I were to end or put this relationship with the other woman on hold that I am throwing her to the emotional dogs. Her current husband has alienated nearly all of her friends from her. She has almost no support team behind her. She is at a new church and knows almost no one there. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how I can get right with God in this relationship, but I fear what damage might happen to her if I were to back away. I have considered writing her and email asking to put the relationship on hold until we are both legally divorced. But because of my work situation it may be months before I can even file papers. And is this too soon even if we did go on hold for 3 - 6 months?

Any tidbits of wisdom appreciated. I know I have made a mess of this whole thing.....

You have two possible choices. You can be 'right' or you can be happy.

 

[notuptome]

You have two possible choices. You can be 'right' or you can be happy.

Being right and being happy are not mutually exclusive.

Asking anyone other than the Lord about what to do is simply looking for a sympathetic ear to justify something that cannot be right. to be right and happy requires a true right relationship with the Lord. The first one betrayed in a relationship is the Lord Himself.

One cannot find any lasting happiness without first loving the Lord and submitting everything to Him. Internet confessions are rarely genuine. It takes a skilled counselor to separate truth from fiction in situations like this. The reason for distaining counseling is that he does not want to face the truth about himself.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[musicman60]

Internet confessions are rarely genuine. It takes a skilled counselor to separate truth from fiction in situations like this. The reason for distaining counseling is that he does not want to face the truth about himself.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

I can assure you that this is genuine. And I have no problem facing the truth about myself. I am aware of my weaknesses and short comings far more than anyone else. My reason for disdaining counselors is that in my own experience with them years ago and in talking with others probably half of the people doing counseling are doing either no good or in fact causing harm. The good ones are in fact quite good, but I have seen lasting damage done to individuals by errant counsel.

While I do value input and correction, assigning your assumptions to my motives is hardly acting in the cause of Christ. I appreciate what you said prior to the last few sentences though (what I quoted above) and thank you for that reminder.

 

[Dan58]

You and the other woman need to get divorces. Never move into a new relationship until you've dissolved the one your in. What's wrong is that you still have a wife and she still has a husband. What your both doing is trying to find something better prior to moving on. If your not happy, end your marriages first. You said it yourself; "I have considered writing her and email asking to put the relationship on hold until we are both legally divorced." That's the smart thing to do. It doesn't matter if it takes several months, if she has any real love for you, she'll wait. And if you get divorced and she doesn't, that's tells you all you need to know, move on.

And just a heads up, you only know what this woman has told you. You really don't know if her husband is as she says, or whether she's just selling a sob story and looking for attention or to have an affair. Bottom line is that your hitting on someone else's wife, and guys have been killed for less. You don't know what her husband might do if he finds your emails, so until your both free and single, I'd cool it. And there's no "getting right with God" when your actively hitting on another man's wife. Consider that if this woman is willing to cheat on her current husband, she probably won't have the moral scruples to be true to you either. jmo

 

[presidente]

You and the other woman need to get divorces. Never move into a new relationship until you've dissolved the one your in. What's wrong is that you still have a wife and she still has a husband. What your both doing is trying to find something better prior to moving on. If your not happy, end your marriages first. You said it yourself; "I have considered writing her and email asking to put the relationship on hold until we are both legally divorced." That's the smart thing to do. It doesn't matter if it takes several months, if she has any real love for you, she'll wait. And if you get divorced and she doesn't, that's tells you all you need to know, move on.

That's secular ethics. But in Matthew 19, we see that Jesus taught that if a man put away his wife, unless it be for fornication, and marries another he commits adultery. And he that marries her that is divorced commits adultery.

And there's no "getting right with God" when your actively hitting on another man's wife.

Good point.

Consider that if this woman is willing to cheat on her current husband, she probably won't have the moral scruples to be true to you either. jmo

That's very true, and our OP is not a good, safe bet for a woman looking for a faithful husband. He's not showing himself to be faithful to his wife. He could repent, though.

 

[presidente]

She is the most bitter, negative person I have ever known. That has only gotten worse through the separation (which is to be expected I think, she is very angry with me).

This sounds like a big marriage problem, one that existed before your unfaithful pursuits. I can understand how, if your wife is negative, other women would seem more attractive to you. Her being bitter, disrespectful, etc. may open you up to temptation. But it doesn't justify it.

Adultery is a sin against God. Do you have any cause to get back at God? Was Jesus' sacrifice on the cross not good enough in your opinion, so that you would want to lash out at Him by sinning. It's not just about your wife. If your wife is negative and you feel justified starting a relationship with a new girlfriend, it's not just about your wife. You are sinning against God.

There are things you can do to try to help encourage your wife not to be bitter, negative, and even angry. Having an affair is not one of them.

 

[notuptome]

I can assure you that this is genuine. And I have no problem facing the truth about myself. I am aware of my weaknesses and short comings far more than anyone else. My reason for disdaining counselors is that in my own experience with them years ago and in talking with others probably half of the people doing counseling are doing either no good or in fact causing harm. The good ones are in fact quite good, but I have seen lasting damage done to individuals by errant counsel.

While I do value input and correction, assigning your assumptions to my motives is hardly acting in the cause of Christ. I appreciate what you said prior to the last few sentences though (what I quoted above) and thank you for that reminder.

You need biblical counsel. You need to buy from the Lord counsel that is incorruptible. You cannot expect God to bless what you are doing. God will never bless sin. It is flat wrong to violate your oath to your wife for any reason. You know as well as I do that you did what you did because you wanted to do it. James chapter 1:12-16 makes it quite clear that we sin after we have conceived it in our hearts yea we lust for it.

Why do we expect God to come in and fix everything after we have purposely destroyed it? Make a complete wreck out of everything then expect God to be dumb enough to come in and make like it never happened. There are and always will be consequences for sin. Sometimes very severe consequences. David and Bathsheba paid a consequence for their sin. Are you any better than them?

Straight up with no sugar coating on it. You will not get this made right on your own. You need a good Christian counselor to pray with you and to show you from Gods word how to reconcile yourself to God and then to the other people you have wronged. Right now you cannot conceive of how offended Christ is with what you have done. The only way to get out of a hole is to stop digging.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[MrMyagi]

Love is a verb..... period.

If I didn't know better, I would swear a woman wrote this post, describing her 'emotional needs not being met'.

If you were 'gaming' during your separation, you were 'gaming' before it. I would suggest first closing all windows and doors that have allowed you to escape emotionally during your marriage. Your answer lies there.

This is a 'rebound' affair... nothing more... nothing less. For BOTH of you. It's that simple. The devil has truly taken over all rationale with you. Do not let paragraph after paragraph of the 'rationalization hamster' to spin the wheel any longer. It's unbecoming.

But...hey... you could always find somebody who agrees with you. That's the easy part.

 

[spunkycat08]

What were the 2 of you thinking regarding having an affair while still married to your spouses?

No matter what the problems were in your marriage and in her marriage, having an affair was not the solution.

This type of behavior and your rationalization makes me want to hit you on your head with a clue by 4.

 

[Billyd]

Are you willing to go to her husband and ask him for her hand in marriage, and is she willing to go to you wife, and ask for your hand in marriage?

I'm being a little bit ridiculous, but looking at it that way you can see that you and she have a unique relationship. You were joined together by God to the persons that you are currently married to, and you and she should become one with the persons that you are currently married to. I'm not telling you what to do, I'm telling you what the Bible tells you to do. I pray that both of you will seek God's will in your decision, and that you will accept his illumination. Be careful, Satan has you in his cross-hairs.

 

[dabodab]

Well, to put it like the world would say it... You're screwed, Dude.

Respect of four grown children and their families - out the window.

Friends - already avoiding you.

Say goodbye to your job - and the ministry.

Parents? Siblings? Their families...everyone else who loves you now fearful for you. Worried about you. Watching you. Unsure.

GRANDCHILDREN - got any of those you love? Tough stuff there. They will know, one day.

The woman who has tolerated you for 30 years and bore your children - fully supported by all the above. But not by you.

If you get a divorce to marry Mrs. Right, you will need to see Mrs. Right thru her own pain and misery, too.

Willfully sinning against God is a scary place to go.

 

[oldthennew]

Gal 5:16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

 

[musicman60]

I need to say before posting this update, please be careful what you write in forums like this. There have been several posts here by people who are no doubt trying to be helpful but are making assumptions that incorrect and judgmental.

that being said and openly acknowledging my own frailness...

Update.....

Both myself and the 'other woman' had dialed back the relationship some (no face to face meetings). We were still talking and trying to be supportive. But Saturday she was very emotional and very clingy all day (from a distance). Sunday's sermon was about bringing our issues to God and dealing with them openly and honestly. I told her that I had to break this off. She told me that God had told her to let me go. It was not easy but that fast the relationship is over. I know we cannot stay in touch right now at all and losing the support is rough, but I know God can help provide the backup we each need. I need the alone time to get myself to a healthy place. She wants to us to check in with each other in 6 months. I told her I need to be open to what God wants me to do and I cannot hold on to the relationship even at a distance right now so that cannot happen.

It would take direct intervention from God to mend my marriage and honestly I'm not sure I want it mended. But that could be my problem and not a marriage problem. I start counseling in September. I think it took God the four months of the separation and using a wrong relationship to get me to the point where I am recognizing that right now I just need to pour myself into him and be healed and whole again. I am incapable of getting there on my own. I would appreciate any prayers. Thank you....

 

[dabodab]

I need to say before posting this update, please be careful what you write in forums like this. There have been several posts here by people who are no doubt trying to be helpful but are making assumptions that incorrect and judgmental.

that being said and openly acknowledging my own frailness...

Update.....

Both myself and the 'other woman' had dialed back the relationship some (no face to face meetings). We were still talking and trying to be supportive. But Saturday she was very emotional and very clingy all day (from a distance). Sunday's sermon was about bringing our issues to God and dealing with them openly and honestly. I told her that I had to break this off. She told me that God had told her to let me go. It was not easy but that fast the relationship is over. I know we cannot stay in touch right now at all and losing the support is rough, but I know God can help provide the backup we each need. I need the alone time to get myself to a healthy place. She wants to us to check in with each other in 6 months. I told her I need to be open to what God wants me to do and I cannot hold on to the relationship even at a distance right now so that cannot happen.

It would take direct intervention from God to mend my marriage and honestly I'm not sure I want it mended. But that could be my problem and not a marriage problem. I start counseling in September. I think it took God the four months of the separation and using a wrong relationship to get me to the point where I am recognizing that right now I just need to pour myself into him and be healed and whole again. I am incapable of getting there on my own. I would appreciate any prayers. Thank you....

You are on my prayer list, musicman60.

Your update brings me hope and ... joy! Thank you for coming back and reporting.