Help with son's anger

[firefly1207]

My 16 year old son is wanting to live with his dad after spending the summer with him. The judge said he has to start school here with my and we ho to court sept 30. He came back from his dads cussing and extremely disrespectful. I'm fighting if because my older son went to his dads at sam age and dropped out if high school and now st 23 delivers pizzas for living trying to support wife and baby. On top if that he also smokes pot. I want a better life for my youngest. He says he hates me and I'm no longer his mom because I won't let him go freely. He gangs out with his older brother daily when he is there since he only lives few blocks away from his dad. His dad also suffers from BPD. He is surrounded by drama and dysfunctional behavior and I want better for him. How should I handle his anger . my son also has ADHD and is very influenced by his older brother. What can. I do?

 

[firefly1207]

Any advice to deal with his anger and my pain caused by his words greatly appreciated. My son and I were close at one time and hecws a stable police young man before he left .

 

[dabodab]

Hi Firefly1207, I remember you from a couple weeks ago. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Have you considered making a deal with your son that, if you let him go live with Dad, he promises to go to college? You said before that you intended to send him to further his education. Maybe if you get a promise from him he will honor it? You pay his schooling and expenses. It seems this would be your only hope, since it sounds like he may get his wish anyways. This way you at least can give him what he needs... and what you want.

Usually, a judge will not deny a 16-year old their wish UNLESS you can prove your son would be in danger at his dad's. Commonly, judges do not take 'drama' or semi-raunchy lifestyles into consideration with children of that age. If his dad can support him and is law-abiding, these may be the only criteria, sadly. You would do well to just let him go and get a commitment for college from him. And, of course, proper visitation schedule with his mom.

 

[jer2911]

I'm not married so I can't relate, but all of us have this anger-management dilemma. I am experiencing verbal assaults ever since I was born and until now. I don't know the end of it. I can only bear it or ask God for a break. Better said than done when we choose to ignore or don't take them personally. As a mom, I could feel your endearment to your son. You may complain or be frustrated but never will deny him. You will always help him no matter what because YOU ARE A MOM. All we can do is pour out our laments toward God. I suggest read the book of Lamentation, the worst scenario to be in. But still, they lamented and pour it all out to God. That's all we can do. Keep on groaning, asking practical tips or advice to deal with the dilemma. Don't ever stop until you drop - on God's lap.

B God's grace given to us now, We'll be praying for you.

 

[Dan58]

On top if that he also smokes pot. I want a better life for my youngest. He says he hates me and I'm no longer his mom because I won't let him go freely.

You can't make kids succeed, that's a desire that has to emanate from within themselves. You can encourage college, but its ultimately up to him. Doing everything you can for your boys may be part of the problem? Let them struggle and learn how tough life is when you can't find a good job. He probably doesn't see a need for college because he's always been bailed out?

The disrespect he's shown you is troublesome. I would never dream of ever telling my mother "I hate you" at any age, would you? When I was little, I sassed my mother once, and after I picked my butt up off the floor, I never did it again. That's when kids learn respect. But at 16, its very difficult to change them, so I'd put the college idea on a shelf for now and just try to straighten out all the other problems. jmo

 

[jb02157]

This is a tough one, it's so hard to get others to stop doing things that are bad for them and those arounf them ...or even want to. It's even harder when the son or daughter you have loved so much tells you they hate you, yet God says that He won't give you more than you can handle. It's clear if this problem will ever go away it won't be overnight. Start with baby steps and little "incentives"...ok bribery. Clean up their act, be respectful and they will get something you know they really want.

 

[biscuit]

My 16 year old son is wanting to live with his dad after spending the summer with him. The judge said he has to start school here with my and we ho to court sept 30. He came back from his dads cussing and extremely disrespectful. I'm fighting if because my older son went to his dads at sam age and dropped out if high school and now st 23 delivers pizzas for living trying to support wife and baby. On top if that he also smokes pot. I want a better life for my youngest. He says he hates me and I'm no longer his mom because I won't let him go freely. He gangs out with his older brother daily when he is there since he only lives few blocks away from his dad. His dad also suffers from BPD. He is surrounded by drama and dysfunctional behavior and I want better for him. How should I handle his anger . my son also has ADHD and is very influenced by his older brother. What can. I do?

There isn't much you can do with a 16 year old by yourself who wants to be bad. The only advice I have for you is to pray for all three of them. Hopefully, he will see the light and turn his life around. I tell moms that it is absolutely critical that two parents be available in raising children, especially in the 10-17 age group. Too many parents allow their children to "roam freely" without boundaries and limitations between 5-10 age group, and they wonder what went wrong when they have virtually no control over them in the 10-17 age group.

 

[Esanta]

My 16 year old son is wanting to live with his dad after spending the summer with him. The judge said he has to start school here with my and we ho to court sept 30. He came back from his dads cussing and extremely disrespectful. I'm fighting if because my older son went to his dads at sam age and dropped out if high school and now st 23 delivers pizzas for living trying to support wife and baby. On top if that he also smokes pot. I want a better life for my youngest. He says he hates me and I'm no longer his mom because I won't let him go freely. He gangs out with his older brother daily when he is there since he only lives few blocks away from his dad. His dad also suffers from BPD. He is surrounded by drama and dysfunctional behavior and I want better for him. How should I handle his anger . my son also has ADHD and is very influenced by his older brother. What can. I do?

Don't pressure him, because some children grow up at different rates to others. It sounds like your son has more freedom at his father's, which in itself is part of being an adult. So, if you look at it as I am trying to look at it:

1. You would tell him to go to college, to act responsibly, to be adult, but;
2. Do not give him sufficient freedom to make decisions that may be mistakes, which is part of being adult.

A lot of parents do this thing where it's like, the happy kind of affection and pressure-free atmosphere we give to kids wanes when they stop being cute as buttons and start developing their own personalities and wanting to make their own decisions. The best thing you can do is actually allow him to start making his own decisions as an adult and love him all the same even when he makes mistakes, because there is a strange irony in it; it encourages kids to be more respectful, thoughtful and listen to you more.

I know you're trying to be polite, but I also know that every family snaps, argues, gets heated, fights. I'm certain that you have not been entirely fantastic yourself; continually patient, respectful, calm, compassionate and understanding, and that's natural, but I can tell you that an ounce of patience is worth a pound of peace, and perhaps some time without butting heads is exactly what you two need.

There is a very subtle difference between giving advice to teenagers and nagging them. Not to be rude, but it's the simplest way to put it.

 

[MrMyagi]

Okay... where to start?

First.... Run... don't walk... to the nearest bookstore and buy the book "Boundaries". Right now. Take a day or two to read it. And absorb it. It is biblical in context and I can promise you will save you from YOURSELF and give you a piece of sanity during this time with your son. You will NOT be able to control his anger. You will NOT be able to control his actions. You WILL be able to control what boundaries you set for yourself in the ways of the respect you deserve for yourself in spite of his teen angst. If you don't, he'll try to walk all over you like his dad did.

Second.... Let him go live with his dad. Even if his older brother turned out the way he did, it was HIS CHOICE. Don't let all the pop psych mumbo jumbo trick you. Most kids these days are using their parents against each other to get what THEY want. You have to trust me on this. If they can guilt you into giving something, giving in, or just giving up, they will do it. Nothing personal mom.... it's just what they are programmed to do. Most kids will attempt this in families with the mom and dad intact. You are at a disadvantage because you do not have anybody to back you up to let him know he is out of line. And since you don't, HE is at the advantage. So LET him be at his advantage. LET HIM go make his mistakes. LET him go until he reaches ROCK BOTTOM in his life. In situations like this, every person in a twelve step program will tell you, if you do anything else until he hits rock bottom, you are enabling and rewarding bad behavior. People learn only from NATURAL consequences. NOT reward and consequences. Some simply do not learn until much older.

I know you are in a tough spot as a mother who thinks she will have the power to right the wrong of the first son.... but you do not deserve, not for one second, any belligerent or abusive behavior from any other man...... even if that soon to be man is your son. If you do not just let him go for now, then YOU become the target.

Let him go blame his actions on everybody but himself. Please trust me on this. I have seen this too many times. You are not doing the 'unGodly' thing by doing this. Sometimes, 'teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime' means, you teach him to be accountable for his own actions in life. I agree wholeheartedly with another poster. You are never in charge of somebody else's desire to succeed in life. Only they are.

May God Bless you in this...

 

[sunburn]

I have one advice OP: LET HIM GO.

 

[long]

I have BPD and medication works wonder for the uncontrollable rage inside of me . I use abilify and it is a miracle drug for me. find a better shrink and do everything you're already doing to fight for your child. never give up. your on the right path.

 

[Brandon911]

I can understand, I have several mental disorders including rage disorder and mood and anxiety disorders. He might need to a psychiatrist and need medications. Xanax and klonopin help, but I suggest he stay away from them seeing how easily one can become addicted and abuse these drugs, I should know I used to be a addict.

 

[firefly1207]

An update : it has been tough. My finance has been absolutely wonderful backing me every step of the way. For those that say leg him go. I may have to but right now I have to believe the young man that was respectable loving and kind before going to his father an for two months is still in there. Yes when he came back in was every name in the book and he even told me he wished ibwoukd die. This is not Logan talking this is his older brother and father talking using Logan as a means. Logan's dad and brother even had him hack in to my computer in kiddlenof night with their help and sent all my emails and files to the father . I just told him I don't care if unsend the files the info had to be disclosed anyway so you just saved me some attorney fees but what I do care about is the influence being put on him to lie cheat and steal from his mom. Most days are really bad but today elwas the first day he didn't call me names and was actually OK to be around. He even talked to football coach about playing again. I am letting go of football as much as I hate to see all of his hard work away that is the one choice that is his. However, I continue to stand my ground even though I have cried almost every day since June 27th I refuse to allow him to think that if he doesn't get what he wants all he has to do is throw a tantrum and be abusive to get what he wants. Whathappens if he doesn't get what he wants from a job or a wife . I don't want him to think it is OK to abusive and be rewarded or think it is OK. I have learned to say "I'm sorry u feel that way " a lot and yes there are times for u more abrupt readers, that k have snapped and started crying and found my self trying to explain reason to an unreasonable person. I have even told him he was acting like a baby. But I have never called him a harsh name or hurt him. Even though he attempts to make up horrible lies saying I threatened to punch him, throw him down the stairs and even said I threatened to throw him out of the car lol he is 220 lbs and I'm 140 . when I asked why he was doing this he simply said "because u didn't give me what I wanted". His dad should really be ashamed of himself for disrupting the boys stable successful life. He has 3.68/GPA football player and many friends . his dad didnt want him for the first 16 why the last two. My ex brother even told him to think of Logan and his future and he basically said it was about the fight. Which is sad cuz its not about us its about a boys future . I'm not going to lie and say that there were days I almost just said forget it go but something held me together. We go back to court on sept 30 and I'm prepared for it to go either way. I know I have the advantage of truth and history on my side. I thought at times God wasn't listening to my prayers when I was hurting so bad. There is no pain like the pain your kids can give the u. I know no matter what I know I fought to the end for him and some day he can look back and see the truth . please keep praying for us all. There are days I am not sure I'm going to make it. I'm also in jirskng school . my ex thought he found hit me when I was down but even though I have come close I'm not knocked out of the fight yet. I know my son's whole character ciundnt chanfenin that short time I have to believe he is still in there and he still has the compassion and soft heart and live he left with

 

[firefly1207]

I was actually prepared for that but the judge confirmed what my attorney said was that in the state of I'll the courts don't take just the age into consideration they appointed a guardian ad liteum and must do what is in his best interest. The jydgebmadenthis clear to Logan and his dad that the best interest may not be what he wants. Logan could be in danger and my attorney is contplatingba petition to deny or restrict visitation even though we don't think it would stick cuz case law is pretty clear but his father has narcissistic disorder traits and his father was severiky bipolar and he shoes exact same behavior but refused to go for evaluation or treatment he do t have the problem which is common of this disorser . his brother is also confirming that rob behavior is out of control so maybe the judge will see this and demand evaluation. When I was awardednsole custody the previous judge putnin the documents that father has need to control exwife and children . the foundation is there .

 

[firefly1207]

The boy takes concerts for ADHD but his father was not giving him his medication all summer.

 

[damombomb]

My 16 year old son is wanting to live with his dad after spending the summer with him. The judge said he has to start school here with my and we ho to court sept 30. He came back from his dads cussing and extremely disrespectful. I'm fighting if because my older son went to his dads at sam age and dropped out if high school and now st 23 delivers pizzas for living trying to support wife and baby. On top if that he also smokes pot. I want a better life for my youngest. He says he hates me and I'm no longer his mom because I won't let him go freely. He gangs out with his older brother daily when he is there since he only lives few blocks away from his dad. His dad also suffers from BPD. He is surrounded by drama and dysfunctional behavior and I want better for him. How should I handle his anger . my son also has ADHD and is very influenced by his older brother. What can. I do?

I would keep him with me, show him a lot of love, talk to him about right and wrong. PS i will pray for all for a goo report.

 

[firefly1207]

I have tried mm y hardest to I I include his father I n everything not for his father because even though I had full custody it was the right thing to do. I have tried very avenue to gave ex co parent but its not about the kids its about the fight and control.

 

[firefly1207]

It is so painful to try to best u can as a mom sacrifice and do everything u feel is right and then feel like u get kicked in the teeth . my Kidd were my only family except for fiance . there is no pain like the pain ur children can instill on u

 

[Deadtosin]

My 16 year old son is wanting to live with his dad after spending the summer with him. The judge said he has to start school here with my and we ho to court sept 30. He came back from his dads cussing and extremely disrespectful. I'm fighting if because my older son went to his dads at sam age and dropped out if high school and now st 23 delivers pizzas for living trying to support wife and baby. On top if that he also smokes pot. I want a better life for my youngest. He says he hates me and I'm no longer his mom because I won't let him go freely. He gangs out with his older brother daily when he is there since he only lives few blocks away from his dad. His dad also suffers from BPD. He is surrounded by drama and dysfunctional behavior and I want better for him. How should I handle his anger . my son also has ADHD and is very influenced by his older brother. What can. I do?

first and foremost you have to address what is in your control. His words impacting you. Know in his heart he loves you like you couldn't believe- regardless of what his words and his eyes tell you. Every word he says in anger is designed to spark an emotional response from you. The moment he loses the power to hurt you he will lose his reasoning behind his words. His brother may indeed be his hero- A younger brother looking up to his older brother is natural. Many times we want to lead the ones we love down a better path but in the end they will need to discover it for themselves. Also unwittingly we can even shove them down that path by being too forceful. If when he argues with you- you then use his brother and his father as examples of poor decisions you could actually be causing a defensive response that will cause resentment, he may aim it at you but it really has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with the way he views his brother and father. He loves them and probably even idolizes them. His arguing with you could actually unify them against you, but if he doesn't have you to complain about maybe then they will all see each others natural selves and your son may see for himself that isn't what he wants. Maybe instead of trying to protect him from what is around him find out what he wants for the future and lay out tangible options for how he can accomplish those goals. Maybe invite him to a concert, event or activity you know he will enjoy and refrain from talking about his poor choices or his brother or father. Rebuild the foundation which is love, and remove the negative with the positive. It's time to get a little more selfish. Get your own relationship with your son back and through prayer and time trust God to lead your son in the right direction.

 

[firefly1207]

He decided to play football here so there is hope !! Give those prayers coming !