Why church hurts at the moment...

[sunburn]

I think the post was more aimed at divorced and/or single parents than just being single.
Though there may be more problems in your culture. Here in America there is still a large push for both men and women to be married, not just women. And while there is a minority here that thinks women should be married, good man or bad man, the majority here don't believe this.


To OP, just wanted to clarify that i'm not saying some of what you're experiencing isn't true, but that you may simply be presuming it's more widespread than it really is. Or, as gypsygirl pointed out, less intentional.
I've known women in the church who were separated and some of what you talk about does go on in the church for sure. She often felt isolated. But i think it had more to do with the fact that couples want to do things with other couples. Not a third wheel. While singles want to do things with other singles, not single and the restriction of someone elses kids. More that thinking then people trying to ostracize single parents.
She has had moments of people trying to help financially. Not frequently, but at times. Though she often needed it. And at times even approached the church for some help and was barely given anything. It's just one more challenge of being a single parent in modern church society. Just remember there's nothing wrong with speaking up and letting people know what you need, or don't need, from them. The more you hide the more you let the wrong thinking affect others. Only by speaking up and informing people will they know and learn. Most of them haven't been in your situation and can only guess on how to approach you until you express yourself. And others may have had different experiences and could be going off of what they have been through, without knowing that your situation may be different.

Thanks.
In my case, Like I said somewhere above, some people might no realise how their attitude affect me but that could be my problem and how to deal with that…even so yet...I think it is more the idea that people don't know how to behave with single mothers and on top of it, it's sometimes awkward to deal with the idea of a christian divorcee…and all the theology that goes around with it so there is awkwardness

People DO assume you need help. I mean, I have had people coming up to me asking me if I need food or take the rest of the food if there are parties or communal gathering in the church. I am not a proud person so I don't take offence. It is done with good intentions still, the assumption is there. I think it is because some single parent are generally in need of help, yet how about getting to know them first before assuming…. and it comes especially from the married folks.


as for talking to the pastor, I could consider it nut I need to know how not to appear like I am wanting attention. It's he last thing I want to do. Look I have my life together…I am happy…I am where I want to be...In the end, It's just how difficult it is to fit in….
how do I want the pastor to cater for divorcee if it is not his "ministry" or area of expertise… One day I asked him for prayer, and he told me may be God wants me to start a divorcee support group in the church for people who are struggling… I thought I could, but that wasn't why I came for prayer…I wanted someone to listen…him or his wife. I don't want to go around the church trying to draw attention for myself...since then, his pastoral counselling is finished as he is expecting me to become an icon for divorcees in the church …knowing that the pastor is his second marriage, makes it even difficult to understand his attitudes at times. But nobody in the church ever mentions his first marriage and divorce.
I have learned this sometimes ago, so I though he would understand what I was going through but he doesn't seem keen.

The singles never married, with no kids in the church have a different kind of challenge but people are "hopeful" for them if I can put it this way.
But for myself, single mom, divorced, christian, it's just a mess.

I was having a moment when I first posted…I was really hit hard by few comments and small attitudes another lady approached me and said: " how do you do it? to go on like this without sex?" she was trying to get me to confess….she said she just can't believe I don't have the need…. she tried to be friendly to me before hand so by the time she asked the question, It wouldn't sound out of place. I t was out of place…but I smiled and told her, I had a terrible marriage and so I am a little traumatised by sex and this was the truth…she was satisfied with the answer….
I realised some people DO think, there is no way I can be "holy"…it never crossed my mind, but then I had the realise that I am a single mom now…i am not just a single…and with that comes a load of issues i am not sure I am prepared for it...

And then you have some men in church who literally think they could "help" in some ways…Ugly, this HAS happened. Married or unmarried. I was myself really disturbed by it.Luckily I have been a christian all my life.unfortunately for me, the divorce is something I have never sen coming or planned but here I am. years of walking with God is a strong foundation even when I am discouraged. I resented the church, but this is all I know and I know God has still a plan, whatever that is… so I am having a moment… I feel more comfortable outside the church now than inside. at least at the moment…Those guys do it subtly hoping you take the hint…so i try to keep interaction to the minimum..


I understand that married couple need other married couple friends to bond with. I was married before so I understand this need...
but I feel at the moment if I am to talk, I would create a stir more than trying to have people understand.

I have learned that no matter what you say, how you say it, you cannot stop people having an opinion of you. This could take some time and talking at the right time could help. I have to think about it.

I don't want to go to another church. I feel they are not bad people, its church life. There are some amazing people there…A couple encouraged me in pursuing my career in law which is what I am doing as my then husband stopped me from working…they are elderly and amazing…another lady single, comes around my place and have a fellowship, prayers etc…sometimes I do feel church is useless…as long as you have people like this around you from time to time, you don't really need the show we put on with in churches. that's why I feel singing in the worship team is difficult…my service of worship is unto God, but this I could do anywhere...

Anyway…may be I need to keep praying about myself and stop expecting more from the church and pray for wisdom and keep in mind like others say that the Devil is trying to get at me…
And keep the faith. At least, I know how not to treat people in my shoes...