Why church hurts at the moment...

[sunburn]

One day after the service a lady"friend" "sister" who every sunday keeps approaching me and complimenting me on my outfits eventually said: " How do you manage? ….I mean with being alone with your kids and no man… you dress so nicely to come to church…do you have a man? you always seem like you are shining… are you going on a date after the service? "
She waited for an answer. I couldn't decided if it was a compliment or an insult.
I smiled and said my husband in heaven is looking after me.

Another time, it was a couple friend I have been formerly greeting amicably chatting with after service from times to time…never separately…the husband one day got hold of my number from his wife and contacted me asking some informations and wanted to know if he could stop by my house.I was surprised and wasn't comfortable so declined it. Next thing I know the wife started avoiding me in the church and I fell like asking what's going on. I was horrified that may be he was trying to hit on me?

The pastor has invited all the couple in the church for a bonding and meeting , dinner at his house and I seem to ask myself why he never included me in those family bonding time... may be we are not a family enough? I can't ask…it's a small church...i tried not to let my hurts feelings get in a way of better judgement and pray God help me concentrate on what is important....
There are some good times… someone walked to me and gave me some money…out of the blue..someone wanted to pray…and keep sending text praying with me , for me…small interactions after the worship and we are all on our own going home. I sometimes invite people at my house…open my door…cook meals.

But almost every sunday, someone will approach me or will avoid me at least just because I am the single mom…

there are those who just think you need help all the time. then They are surprised when they see that all you need is someone to talk to, to pray with. because god has covered everything else.

Its bad enough being divorced in the church, never mind the reasons. But being a single mother in the church is worse..! I don't want my kids to be looked at differently….
I want to stay at home most sunday…but always my children are pushing me to go to church so I end up going and once they are in sunday school, I find a pretext to go sit in the car. I took a break from the worship team and i don't have the desire to sing praises anymore.

Please if you have single parent family in your church, open your door for at least a sunday to allow a child to play with your child, or a child to share a family unit…especially if they don't have much family around..allow a lone parent to be part of your activities…

I guess i just wanted to vent.

 

[psychomom]

sunburn, forgive the typos as i write this through tears.

Your Father loves you.
Your Lord Jesus loves you.
more than we can possibly imagine, God loves us!

i'm sorry your church family has hurt you.
they love you so humanly...so imperfectly.

please forgive them...forgive us all.
God loves, saves, and is for single moms. ♥
and their precious babies.
He demonstrated that love in this:
while we were sinners, Christ died for us. that's all the proof we need.

i wish i had fabulous advice for you, but all i have is this--
take your tears and anger and worry and frustration to Jesus.
i've never been a single mom, but my sister, mom of 5 then, lost her husband to cancer.
i saw just how difficult it was for her to raise her children alone.
i commend you for a job well done, and encourage you in love.
not to do anything, just to receive love.
i love you.
~ellie

 

[jogoldie]

This is so sad......sister sunburn...please forgive them....I would sit down with the pastors wife and tell her...
How strong you must be...being a single mom takes courage...ive been a single mom for many years....
even people I thought I knew treated me differantly especially around their husbands.......like I was now a
Predator....the men friends we had.....way weird....as if you dont have enough going on..
....one day after long prayer and just spending time with God...What I came up with is this
....its not you....and with all you have to do ......it is their problem and I had better things to do....
I started weeding out the people around me....then I realized.....that there was only one person in my life who
was truly a friend....she too was a single mom....so together we helped each other .....and im sure God
put her there for me....we studied ..and went to church together....then I didnt feel like the freak anymore..
Im praying for you my sister....stay strong......sorry people are dumb.....
Peace........jo

 

[sunburn]

sunburn, forgive the typos as i write this through tears.

Your Father loves you.
Your Lord Jesus loves you.
more than we can possibly imagine, God loves us!

i'm sorry your church family has hurt you.
they love you so humanly...so imperfectly.

please forgive them...forgive us all.
God loves, saves, and is for single moms. ♥
and their precious babies.
He demonstrated that love in this:
while we were sinners, Christ died for us. that's all the proof we need.

i wish i had fabulous advice for you, but all i have is this--
take your tears and anger and worry and frustration to Jesus.
i've never been a single mom, but my sister, mom of 5 then, lost her husband to cancer.
i saw just how difficult it was for her to raise her children alone.
i commend you for a job well done, and encourage you in love.
not to do anything, just to receive love.
i love you.
~ellie

Thank you.I shouldn't have let myself go like that yesterday but typing it helped…crying wasn't smart because now I have a terrible migraine and can't see properly…
Thank you for your post.

 

[sunburn]

This is so sad......sister sunburn...please forgive them....I would sit down with the pastors wife and tell her...
How strong you must be...being a single mom takes courage...ive been a single mom for many years....
even people I thought I knew treated me differantly especially around their husbands.......like I was now a
Predator....the men friends we had.....way weird....as if you dont have enough going on..
....one day after long prayer and just spending time with God...What I came up with is this
....its not you....and with all you have to do ......it is their problem and I had better things to do....
I started weeding out the people around me....then I realized.....that there was only one person in my life who
was truly a friend....she too was a single mom....so together we helped each other .....and im sure God
put her there for me....we studied ..and went to church together....then I didnt feel like the freak anymore..
Im praying for you my sister....stay strong......sorry people are dumb.....
Peace........jo

I stop talking to most male in my church , single or married...apart from the elderly men. Even I avoid the pastor if I can help it. More than he would do it more than I would. the looks from men sometimes wondering what I do to relieve myself on an emotional side…everyone does it, christians or not for that matter…but I guess i felt "safe" being in the church.
This sunday a friend is taking the kids to church. I need to rest and may be work out my feelings. truth is I feel it is useless to go anyway…
It will get better. I have faith. That's all I have. I don't want to care much what people think or say now.
I am too tired.
Thank you.

 

[Esanta]

One day after the service a lady"friend" "sister" who every sunday keeps approaching me and complimenting me on my outfits eventually said: " How do you manage? ….I mean with being alone with your kids and no man… you dress so nicely to come to church…do you have a man? you always seem like you are shining… are you going on a date after the service? "
She waited for an answer. I couldn't decided if it was a compliment or an insult.
I smiled and said my husband in heaven is looking after me.

Another time, it was a couple friend I have been formerly greeting amicably chatting with after service from times to time…never separately…the husband one day got hold of my number from his wife and contacted me asking some informations and wanted to know if he could stop by my house.I was surprised and wasn't comfortable so declined it. Next thing I know the wife started avoiding me in the church and I fell like asking what's going on. I was horrified that may be he was trying to hit on me?

The pastor has invited all the couple in the church for a bonding and meeting , dinner at his house and I seem to ask myself why he never included me in those family bonding time... may be we are not a family enough? I can't ask…it's a small church...i tried not to let my hurts feelings get in a way of better judgement and pray God help me concentrate on what is important....
There are some good times… someone walked to me and gave me some money…out of the blue..someone wanted to pray…and keep sending text praying with me , for me…small interactions after the worship and we are all on our own going home. I sometimes invite people at my house…open my door…cook meals.

But almost every sunday, someone will approach me or will avoid me at least just because I am the single mom…

there are those who just think you need help all the time. then They are surprised when they see that all you need is someone to talk to, to pray with. because god has covered everything else.

Its bad enough being divorced in the church, never mind the reasons. But being a single mother in the church is worse..! I don't want my kids to be looked at differently….
I want to stay at home most sunday…but always my children are pushing me to go to church so I end up going and once they are in sunday school, I find a pretext to go sit in the car. I took a break from the worship team and i don't have the desire to sing praises anymore.

Please if you have single parent family in your church, open your door for at least a sunday to allow a child to play with your child, or a child to share a family unit…especially if they don't have much family around..allow a lone parent to be part of your activities…

I guess i just wanted to vent.

Let's be honest here. If your church community exclude a divorcee and single mother who has done nothing wrong toward any of that community, then they aren't really the kind of people whose approval you should want, much less need. It's utterly petty behaviour on their part, and you shouldn't allow yourself to feel intimidated or influenced by it.

 

[psychomom]

Thank you.I shouldn't have let myself go like that yesterday but typing it helped…crying wasn't smart because now I have a terrible migraine and can't see properly…
Thank you for your post.

the post-weeping migraine!

now, that i can relate to.

hope your head feels better.

kiss your babies and let them make you smile. ♥

 

[notuptome]

It could hardly be considered appropriate for a man to visit a woman without a witness in the midst of them.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[dabodab]

sunburn, I'm so sorry for you, Girly. I was where you are once and that place was confusing and lonely. Like you, I remember feeling a little empty when coming home from worship on Sunday's. To see the families all together... my 'fractured' family seemed a little hollow.

The place of worship I attended was fairly largeso it was easy to come and go without everybody watching 'the single mom'. There were inter-groups for singles, older persons, men, and women. I became involved with the women's ministries and also volunteered in the nursery. In the nursery, focusing on something besides myself and my children was freeing!

Looking back on those days as a single mother, I was a little desperate for fellowship too. The company of a man would have been nice and I probably exuded that feeling. But God put some great women friends into my life because I exposed myself to them in women's groups. I highly recommend finding women who are strong in Christ to share your feelings and victories and defeats with. Being vulnerable to men, I chose not to share any of that in the presence of men. Still don't today, unless it's family or trusted friend.

Esanta has has made a good point. You may want to consider finding a new body of believers to worship with. If you are considering not attending worship for any reason, then there's trouble somewhere in your heart. Whether that is to just grin and bear it where you are or possibly find a more 'single-family oriented' body that won't exclude you. Someone else said it, maybe talk to the pastors wife or another member of leadership team there and figure where you may or may not fit in with your beautiful children.

You are officially on my prayer list sunburn.

 

[sunburn]

Let's be honest here. If your church community exclude a divorcee and single mother who has done nothing wrong toward any of that community, then they aren't really the kind of people whose approval you should want, much less need. It's utterly petty behaviour on their part, and you shouldn't allow yourself to feel intimidated or influenced by it.

To be fair I don't think they do it on purpose…it just that I guess they don't know how to cater for situations like mine and sometimes i hate to say but they are humans…it hurts but that's life eventually.

 

[gb9]

well, I was attending a church a few years ago, and I was the only single adult male that I knew of. so I know the uncomfortable feeling of being " singled out" and somewhat shunned. will be praying for you.

 

[Esanta]

To be fair I don't think they do it on purpose…it just that I guess they don't know how to cater for situations like mine and sometimes i hate to say but they are humans…it hurts but that's life eventually.

I don't think it needs to be life, though. I mean, if I was someone who went the same places as you I really wouldn't feel that I need to cater to you in some specific manner just because you're a divorcee. Being divorced is not, in my eyes, something that sets you apart from anyone else, definitely not in any way that justifies treating you like an outcast.

To me they just sound like uppity people you'd do better without. There are a lot of human beings that'd be more than happy to treat you just like they treat everyone else.

 

[Rudimental]

Hi dear sunburn, I'm quite new here but saw this and wanted to comment. I think your story is quite poignant and could be the same for other single mothers like yourself and so I have a lot of compassion for you and I think its good that you've reached out here about it. So God bless you for that as Im sure you speak out for other people like yourself too.

Here I'd also like to say that I think that you don't give yourself enough credit where you deserve and are undervaluing yourself and who you are a little perhaps also. You sound like a very nice and very honest and down to earth and people orientated person so +1 for that. But I hear ya. It sure is strange when those people in your near inner circles act a little cold towards you when you are opening yourself such as your time and even your home to people seeking simple fellowship.

If I could say anything to help you from what you've said I guess it would have to be that sometimes I guess, its just a matter of looking at things in a different perspective. For example, maybe God is pulling on your heart by making the pastor deliberately not ask you for some reason to see if you will ask him yourself if you may be included. As for the date maker bless her haha some peoples intentions are in the right place but their brains are not lol but thats what makes the world a funner place sometimes I guess haha

It sounds to me like you are fighting a battle with old hairy legs and he's trying to rob you of your joy that comes from your faith in Jesus at the end of the day. Id like to say "Remember and then something inspiring here for you to actually remember but I dont want to sound cliché ya know? But remember our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces. Those same spiritual forces use people in many ways to try to upset you and make you loose your joy and faith in Christ through other people. Its true, old hairy legs roams the earth, to and through, back and forth, like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. But as you know, you have more power in you through Him than he that is in the world. Romans 8:38, says that through Christ who loved us, we are more than conquerors over the whole demoniacal host. And 1 John 4:4 (KJV) says, Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

And lastly through it all. Remember to give God thanks for everything also. In your prayers, give God thanks for all the good things in your life, and then thank Him for all the bad things too because through them, your faith in Him is strengthened and this is also how He uses people to test our love for Him through our trials imho.

That said, I hope this is helpful for you and you do feel better getting that off your chest. Sometimes all you need is a little place to vent where people are understanding and ready to listen to you to make you feel better lol but I truly do think you are touched on something quite important and got me quite choked up a bit so wanted to say hello at least.

Anyway, I hope you continue to open your home for fellowship and that works out well for you. I used to attend Christian fellowships at peoples homes and they was the best days of my childhood, singing great songs, bible study and interpretation. I thank God that I have those memories and that He gave me His knowledge from an early age. Although I'm a single male in my 30's and have been through the mill myself many times I give thanks for every breath I breath and all my ailments and even the people in my life I would otherwise hate with a an all consuming passion if it wasnt for my faith in Christ Jesus our Lord and saviour who our hearts ultimately yearn for.

But I hope you feel better now and have a new way of looking at this and dealing with it the next time it happens!

The Lord moves in very mysterious ways!

Love and regards,

Rudi.

 

[sunburn]

It sounds to me like you are fighting a battle with old hairy legs and he's trying to rob you of your joy that comes from your faith in Jesus at the end of the day. …...

I do feel like I am being under some consistent spiritual attacks…it is just too much pressure on my mind right now.
I am getting weak and discouraged but it helps to be reminded of that again.

Thank you for your post.

 

[Sirk]

The enemy prowls around like a lion attempting to steal kill and destroy. I think for the Christian the easiest thing for him to steal is our joy. Don't let satan steal your joy.

 

[Ugly]

Sounds to me like a lot of presumption about other peoples motives. It's easy to become hypersensitive in such situations and always assume every person there acts out of a motivation about your situation, but it's probably much less common than you think. Especially with the men. I don't even understand why you're avoiding men?

Seems to me this is something you Should go to your pastor about. Discuss it with him and how it's making you feel. See if, perhaps, he can discuss it from the pulpit one week.

But reality is, most single parents are struggling financially. And that is what is always taught, to help them. The key here is in finding a way to pass this message along, that you don't need the financial help, or questions about your single life, but just friends. Using it as a chance to teach people to get to know someone and what their needs are, rather than just assuming.

 

[gypsygirl]

Sounds to me like a lot of presumption about other peoples motives. It's easy to become hypersensitive in such situations and always assume every person there acts out of a motivation about your situation, but it's probably much less common than you think. Especially with the men. I don't even understand why you're avoiding men?

Seems to me this is something you Should go to your pastor about. Discuss it with him and how it's making you feel. See if, perhaps, he can discuss it from the pulpit one week.

But reality is, most single parents are struggling financially. And that is what is always taught, to help them. The key here is in finding a way to pass this message along, that you don't need the financial help, or questions about your single life, but just friends. Using it as a chance to teach people to get to know someone and what their needs are, rather than just assuming.

i have to agree with ugly. and i am really sorry that you've been hurt by these thoughtless actions.

i'm single, and sometimes find myself excluded from things because of being in a small single minority. often, i find it's less intentional, but more of people not really thinking through what their decisions are causing. i've found many married people just don't think outside of their own married friends.

does it hurt? yes. but usually, i don't find it to be intentionally hurtful, more just careless exclusion.

i hope that you go speak to your pastor and share some of these thoughts. you really owe it to your church and your other single parent brothers and sisters. : )

if you are still ignored and excluded after you've made a reasonable effort to share thoughts, then i would look for a larger church, or at least a population that has more peers. or at least is more welcoming of single parents.

 

[Rudimental]

I do feel like I am being under some consistent spiritual attacks…it is just too much pressure on my mind right now.
I am getting weak and discouraged but it helps to be reminded of that again.

Thank you for your post.

Hey you are very welcome sunburn. And I sure do hear you!

Remember, its all a learning curve. There is a lesson that God is teaching us in all things every day.

I was just reading my Daily Bible Reading email from biblestudytools.com for 2 Corinthians 12:1-21.

[SUP]7[/SUP] And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure . [SUP]8[/SUP] For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. [SUP]9[/SUP] And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. [SUP]10[/SUP] Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak , then am I strong.

Was this a physical thorn in Paul's flesh? Or was he referring to something non-physical like something that kept annoying him? We don't know for sure but what we do know is that while others may have intended it for his harm, God intended it for his and our good.

So when these things come upon you, stop and give thanks for them. Because in your weakness, (through your faith) you are made strong.

It sure can get overwhelming at times. I hear you on that. I feel for you in your struggle. But I think that you are growing into a wise and wonderful women and that you will come out of this on the other side, smarter, stronger and better.

Keep ya head up sunburn. You are loved and valued far more than we or you can even comprehend.

God bless you and keep on trucking!

 

[ndune]

Thank you for opening this discussion.. I thought it only happens in our community. Single men are acceptable but single women are harshly judged. Why?
The society expects women to be acceptable if under a cover of any man even if he mishandles you...
If in communities where women own nothing and live at the mercy of a man, then more doom.
The only hope we have is in God who assures us that we are perfectly and wonderfully made.
Take heart and thank Gid you are standing tall and the reason for lots of insecurities with people around you especially women. They need more of your help than you need theirs. Keep shinning Gods girl...beautiful

 

[Ugly]

Thank you for opening this discussion.. I thought it only happens in our community. Single men are acceptable but single women are harshly judged. Why?
The society expects women to be acceptable if under a cover of any man even if he mishandles you...
If in communities where women own nothing and live at the mercy of a man, then more doom.
The only hope we have is in God who assures us that we are perfectly and wonderfully made.
Take heart and thank Gid you are standing tall and the reason for lots of insecurities with people around you especially women. They need more of your help than you need theirs. Keep shinning Gods girl...beautiful

I think the post was more aimed at divorced and/or single parents than just being single.
Though there may be more problems in your culture. Here in America there is still a large push for both men and women to be married, not just women. And while there is a minority here that thinks women should be married, good man or bad man, the majority here don't believe this.


To OP, just wanted to clarify that i'm not saying some of what you're experiencing isn't true, but that you may simply be presuming it's more widespread than it really is. Or, as gypsygirl pointed out, less intentional.
I've known women in the church who were separated and some of what you talk about does go on in the church for sure. She often felt isolated. But i think it had more to do with the fact that couples want to do things with other couples. Not a third wheel. While singles want to do things with other singles, not single and the restriction of someone elses kids. More that thinking then people trying to ostracize single parents.
She has had moments of people trying to help financially. Not frequently, but at times. Though she often needed it. And at times even approached the church for some help and was barely given anything. It's just one more challenge of being a single parent in modern church society. Just remember there's nothing wrong with speaking up and letting people know what you need, or don't need, from them. The more you hide the more you let the wrong thinking affect others. Only by speaking up and informing people will they know and learn. Most of them haven't been in your situation and can only guess on how to approach you until you express yourself. And others may have had different experiences and could be going off of what they have been through, without knowing that your situation may be different.