Looking for advice from married couples

[LouieB]

I recently married in December. A few days ago I read messages my husband sent to girls he use to date before we got together. He reached out to five to six girls within 3 months to just a few days of me reading the messages. He told one girl she was sexy, when the girl asked him, "How's married life?" He said, it's a stable place to live, meals and a car. He told another girl that he loves me but he think he made a mistake marrying me because he was afraid of being alone. He told another girl that she is beautiful, smart and a whole laundry list of compliments. Then he told her he made a mistake marrying me and that he was immature not to wait for her and that she is the one for him. I cried while reading the messages. I feel humiliated, betrayed and heart broken. I told him I read the messages. He said, he only said those things because he was upset with me and at times he does regret our marriage when we have arguments. He apologized and I had him delete and block the girls from his FB and message them that what he said was a mistake. But I can't help but feel he meant everything that he said. I can't help but feel he is using me and doesn't really love me. I have to beg and argue with him to spend time with me, to even take a picture. It's been like this for the last three months. We prayed on it but I still feel like I can't trust him and our marriage is a sham.

I'm just looking for advice from married couples who may have been in a similar situation.

Side info. We're both young, 25 years old, with no children. We dated for 5 years before getting married and broke up for a year before getting married.

 

[Billyd]

I didn't see anything about your relationship with Christ. The two of you must address that.

Also, you must keep his mind on wanting to be with you. I'll leave the details to you.

 

[tourist]

I recently married in December. A few days ago I read messages my husband sent to girls he use to date before we got together. He reached out to five to six girls within 3 months to just a few days of me reading the messages. He told one girl she was sexy, when the girl asked him, "How's married life?" He said, it's a stable place to live, meals and a car. He told another girl that he loves me but he think he made a mistake marrying me because he was afraid of being alone. He told another girl that she is beautiful, smart and a whole laundry list of compliments. Then he told her he made a mistake marrying me and that he was immature not to wait for her and that she is the one for him. I cried while reading the messages. I feel humiliated, betrayed and heart broken. I told him I read the messages. He said, he only said those things because he was upset with me and at times he does regret our marriage when we have arguments. He apologized and I had him delete and block the girls from his FB and message them that what he said was a mistake. But I can't help but feel he meant everything that he said. I can't help but feel he is using me and doesn't really love me. I have to beg and argue with him to spend time with me, to even take a picture. It's been like this for the last three months. We prayed on it but I still feel like I can't trust him and our marriage is a sham.

I'm just looking for advice from married couples who may have been in a similar situation.

Side info. We're both young, 25 years old, with no children. We dated for 5 years before getting married and broke up for a year before getting married.

I would strongly consider a separation from this sham of a husband. Give him a chance for a year to decide what is most important in his life. If there is no growth I would divorce him. Why waste the best years of your life. It is obvious that he plans on being unfaithful to you. He has already done this in his thoughts. This is an intolerable situation and you do not have to live like this.

 

[LouieB]

We're both believers and active members in our church. He's faithful with going to church every week and keeping up with his
church duties but he doesn't want to pray and study with me. Only when we get into arguments he will pray with me. I'm working on growing closer with Christ everyday. I was baptized about three years ago.

 

[LouieB]

Tourist,
Thank you for your reply. I think a separation may be the best thing now.

 

[JesusLives]

I recommend marriage counseling before any separation or divorce if for no other reason than to know you tried everything before you gave up. My ex refused to go to counseling and I just could not continue on my own without some kind of help which he refused.

Both of you are young and marriage hasn't turned out like you thought it would and hurtful things have been done, but at one time you had to love each other so I would suggest to your husband that you do study the Bible together as family worship and pray together and go and see that counselor Christian based is the best. A good marriage is 100%-100% not 50%-50% it takes work to be married and it's not all pie in the sky all the time life happens and this is a sinful planet don't let satan win in messing your marriage up fight for it. Then if you fight and loose you know you did your best. And pray, pray, pray and lay out all your troubles to God - He can fix anything because nothing is impossible with Him.

 

[LouieB]

Jesus Lives.,
Thanks for your reply. We had counseling with our pastor(although he refused and we argued before he agreed to go) when I noticed my husband did not want to spend time together. He spends most of his free time with his friends. We discussed that issue with our pastor, made a list of things we can do together but nothing has changed. If we're both sitting in the house with no plans for the day. I would suggest something and he would refuse. Then his friends would contact him and he'll go hang out with them. Even when we go to church, he would go eat dinner at a family's house even if I want to go home to eat. So I end up eating dinner alone or forced to eat somewhere I don't want go.

I still love my husband but I'm not feeling loved. I'm frustrated that I have to beg for his attention and that he keeps doing stuff like this to our marriage. This is just the latest incident that has caused us issues. But I want to work it out, because as a Christian I feel like God want us to work it go. That he blessed us with this marriage to last a lifetime.

 

[tourist]

I am the last person that you would want to seek marital advice from. If I had to offer any one word comes to mind, don't.

 

[MrMyagi]

Several things to consider, and then act upon.....

First.... If you've never heard the phrase "When somebody reveals themselves to you the first time...... believe it" before, learn and know it now. Learn what the Bible verse "you shall know them by their fruit" means. Learn the verse, "do not cast your pearls before swine for the swine will trample on the pearls and then turn on you."

It was called "HOLY matrimony" for a reason. It means you forsake ALL others and put your spouse first. It wasn't "Do you take him/her to be your lawful wedded spouse until the next bigger, better deal comes along with your exes, best buds, or BFF's". If this so called HUSBAND of yours is going to church and talking to pastors, with or without you, then I'm not exactly sure what church you all are going to that wouldn't bring up the issue of what an Ephesians 5 man would be and then CALL HIM OUT. Because from everything you've posted, (if it is indeed the truth and you are not actually contributing to issues to make things worse, or are hiding things YOU are doing to slant the argument) then he is being far from it. (and again, I'm encouraging you to be honest in your contributions) If the two of you are merely using your marriage as an extension of your selfish singlehoods, with neither a plan as to how marriage was going to have worked BEFORE you got married, or were living in la la land, then both of you should either take the proverbial crap or get off the pot.

If BOTH of you think you can work it out.... then you are get the book "Love Busters" at a Christian book store. It cuts right to the chase on what two people should be doing in their marriage. It doesn't mess around with touchy feely. It cuts to the bone. If your marriage can't work out as it is now, then I suggest getting the book anyway and adapting all of the concepts and behaviors for yourself first before getting into anything later. You should also find a man who will volunteer to read these things with you and to seek pastoral care BEFORE getting married again.

Yes...I am married. Yes, I am HAPPILY married. Yes, my wife is the love of my life... Yes, my wife is a true Godsend of a Proverbs 31 woman. And NO, I couldn't even dare dream of doing all of the things you've explained somebody else doing in your posts. The thought of even one tear coming from my behaviors would be shameful to me. She is to be exalted at all times. And because that is how I think about my wife......she treats me exactly the same way. That is the way it is SUPPOSED to work.

If all you've said is true..... then it's simply time for a "do over", either through divorce or serious counseling. To be honest, if this is really the way he is, then I say divorce him. Since it's only been since December, then no harm, no foul. To be honest with you, if you are married to this type now, he is not going to change. He is supposed to LEAD you in the house. HE is to be the LEADER.... NOT the one to escape his duties in all areas. Don't get all hung up on the 'churchy', committing adultery stuff if you divorce. Go look up the verse of being married to an unbeliever. (you have to do the homework) A person who 'acts' like an unbeliever IS an unbeliever.

God Bless

 

[long]

dear louie. my heat goes out to you. I am 52 and am with husband number two. this second husband is similar to yours. we have been married for ten years and have a child. I love him madly but feel it is not returned. he does the face book thing with women just a little bit . not like your husband reaching out to ex girl friends and all but I can relate.

First of all we need to reflect on our reactions. that is all we can control. we can not control our husbands or any one else for that matter. we can chose to be hurt and unhappy or chose not to be. jealousy is evil. I know. it has caused me much self inflicted pain. secondly, we need to look at acceptance and expectations. obviously, your husband and mine are not living up to our expectations of what a husband or man should be to a woman. we need to lower our expectations in every way. only god can meet all our expectations and then some. when our expectations are low and our acceptance is high then we can be content and serene in our life and relationships but not till then.

now the big question I ask myself everyday in my marriage. how low do my expectations need to go and how high does my acceptance need to be? if it is intolerable for me to accept after much prayer and my expectations can go no lower, then should I look to leave him. I decided no but I got more time in and a child with this man and my jealousy is out of control, which is my problem. my advice to you is different. I recommend that you look for a more mature and caring man who will treat you with respect and love. when he said he only said these things while upset is not a good sign. I could be all get out mad at my husband but I would still be screaming "I love u" at him. if u understand what I mean by that. we don't generate feelings towards others if we can only think of and love our spouse even if we are very mad.

wish you well, pray self examine and always follow your heart.

 

[JesusLives]

O.K. my only other advise that I can give is this. Give your husband to God. What do I mean by that? Pray, Lord I have done everything I know to do and it has not worked, so I am giving you my husband and I need you to fix this for me. I leave this situation in Your hands and help me to be the wife I need to be. Help me to respect my husband and show him love even when he is not showing me love. Help me to keep my eyes on You Jesus and help me to be like You. In Your name amen.

Then start treating your husband with respect, don't look at his computer accounts - why? because it will only upset you. Make his favorite meal and invite him to dinner and romance it up. If he responds great, if not then pray and tell God about it - pour your heart out to God that you are really trying to make your marriage work. Try to compliment your husband on something - thanks for taking out the trash or whatever. Show him you love him in spite of what he has been doing to you. Again you guys are young and reacting to each others actions. So don't react in a way that is expected.

Am I telling you to be a door mat - absolutely not. I am telling you to try and treat him like Jesus has treated us - meaning that while we were yet sinners Jesus came and died for us not because we were good and worthy but Jesus died for you when you were being bad.

So at least try the above and if it works then praise God your marriage will be saved if it does not work then at least you tried, but my guess is giving this problem to God and trusting Him with all your heart God will be happy to fix this for you. Blessings to you and yours.

 

[Bookends]

Stick with him until (or) he leaves you. Don't leave him. That's my advice.

 

[MrsClementMelton1122]

Run!!!!!!! You have to focus all of your energy on God. I've been there done that......The closer you become to God the closer you'll care less about what your husband is doing behind your back. During this journey of finding yourself, Satan will use your husband to accuse you. Things to look for: Your husband will begin to accuse you of cheating, he will look through your phone, he'll want sex more, etc....don't be deceived because after the flattery comes his true identity. If he loves you the closer you become with the lord he will begin to change for the better. If not, run!!!! If a man does not recognize what you bring to the table and your value he never will.

 

[ladybugg]

this will only cause tension and frustration. You need to get to the root of the problem then make a decision. I also got married a year ago and keep thinking i made a mistake, and I am still trying to figure out which way to go. Deal with it now it wont just go away

take care

 

[mahali25]

I am on the same boat, when i look back in the 2 years we dated I could say I saw the signs I got myself into this ans now i can't get out. He did this very early in our marriage, we talked about it and he said he would stop but Im not confident that he will. I have initiated counseling and he refused saying he he is aware of what he did and he will not do it again, he doesn't need counselling, additional tp tbat he is a Pastor if anyone finds out from his congregation it will ruin him. I love him soo much I don't think he feels the same way, i think he married me to fulfil a duty and respectability. I have talked to him and asked him but he says he loves me that's why he married me.
I used to be conflicted and unhappy with myself for all this but I know God allows certain things to happen for a reason. I am hopeful and prayful that things will change. I will remember u in my prayers too.

 

[Link]

I would strongly consider a separation from this sham of a husband. Give him a chance for a year to decide what is most important in his life. If there is no growth I would divorce him. Why waste the best years of your life. It is obvious that he plans on being unfaithful to you. He has already done this in his thoughts. This is an intolerable situation and you do not have to live like this.

I need a dislike button. It does sound like this marriage needs some serious help and the man needs some help getting his head on straight. This was a serious violation in the loyalty arena. But she may have found out before he went any farther. He needs to repent regarding the way he thinks of marriage. This is really an issue of his being faithful to the Lord in the portion of his life that relates to marriage and living a holy life.

But this advice you gave would probably increase the chances of ruining the marriage exponentially.

 

[kaylagrl]

You said you were togther for 5yrs and broke up for one year.May I asked what caused you to break up? Was it this type of behavior? And what made you decide to get back together again? It may help answer some of the issues you are having.

 

[FaithfulLadybug]

Dear Louie,

I've quoted a few things here, from Mr. Myagi, and would like to comment to you about them... (and thank you Mr. Myagi for putting it so well... hope you don't mind me using your post).

Several things to consider, and then act upon.....

First.... If you've never heard the phrase "When somebody reveals themselves to you the first time...... believe it" before, learn and know it now. Learn what the Bible verse "you shall know them by their fruit" means. Learn the verse, "do not cast your pearls before swine for the swine will trample on the pearls and then turn on you."

It was called "HOLY matrimony" for a reason. It means you forsake ALL others and put your spouse first. It wasn't "Do you take him/her to be your lawful wedded spouse until the next bigger, better deal comes along with your exes, best buds, or BFF's".

Imho, being happily married and relationships and marriages being my vocation, I totally agree with Mr. Myagi. This is what my own husband would say. Then he'd go on to say the following (and please note what I've bolded):

Yes...I am married. Yes, I am HAPPILY married. Yes, my wife is the love of my life... Yes, my wife is a true Godsend of a Proverbs 31 woman. And NO, I couldn't even dare dream of doing all of the things you've explained somebody else doing in your posts. The thought of even one tear coming from my behaviors would be shameful to me. She is to be exalted at all times. And because that is how I think about my wife......she treats me exactly the same way. That is the way it is SUPPOSED to work.

A good, loving woman of God should be a treasure to her husband and to be treated as such.

If I was in your situation (and I can only tell you that, since I'm not you and don't want to advise), seeing that you're married for such a short time... seeing that you are so very young... but also knowing that you took a vow and planned to spend a lifetime with your husband... I'd go to a good Christian counselor and see if there's a possibility of saving your marriage. If it's just immaturity, or if he isn't capable of, in other words doesn't want to, be a good husband. I personally wouldn't separate before I've exhausted that, as well as all options.

Then, after exhausting all options, and only after exhausting all options would I take the step of separation.

As I've seen many times... sometimes separation isn't the answer. Sometimes during a separation the young couple misses each other, even if nothing was sorted out and 'fixed' during that separation... then because of their missing each other, they pull back together again and reunite... are ok for a short time, only to realize that history is repeating itself... which is an emotionally painful prospect.

And those are my (short list) thoughts.

Wishing you all the best, and God Bless!

 

[maxwel]

I agree with the people who recommended marriage counseling.

If you're both active in your church, then you need to be calling your pastor.

 

[Dan58]

When you really love someone, you respect them. You don't go around telling former girl friends that you regret getting married and that you wish you had waited for them because they were the one for you. Unfortunately, lots of people rush into marriage because they're afraid to be alone. As Tina Turner said "What's love got to do with it" . If my wife had done likewise with former boyfriends, I'd be gone faster than a bolt of lightning, but you need to decide for yourself. I'd just avoid getting knocked-up until you've resolved your situation, children at this point would only compound the problem by locking you into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. Lots of luck. jmo