Masturbation in marriage

[presidente]

So she's definitely engaging in sexual activity apart from you, and from the sounds of it she's probably watching porn aswell, and it sounds like she is possibly also cheating on you. From the sounds of " I wish I could get my wife to discuss about this problem and visit counsellor with me. I guess a Christian counsellor is not what she wants though. " I would guess that your wife isn't a Christian, and is probably not wanting to work things out because she is enjoying whatever she is doing.

If she's cut him off from sex, cheating is a possibility. But it's not a sure thing. Some women just don't want sex for other reasons. It's not always adultery. But I've read that men who cheat can handle two partners emotionally better than women. Women who have affairs sometimes feel like they are cheating on their partner in adultery and cut their husbands off. But I'd say the evidence so far isn't conclusive.

The devil is going to try to trick you into believing that you deserve sexual pleasure, and that what you are doing is just because you have been denied what you deserve. Things may turn around, and you may not have to live a life of celibacy, but if you do, remember that you were once given that which you did not deserve. I do not say this to sound harsh, I am only saying that any moral sex that you have engaged in you should consider as a gift from God, not a right, not something which you are entitled to. If God allowed you to fly for a day it would seem unreasonable to be angry with Him for keeping you on the ground all of the other days.

That's an insightful comment, especially for someone who is 20 years old.

I suppose we could look at sex in marriage as a right to some extent, at least when dealing with the other spouse. But we shouldn't think that we have a right for God to give us a good sex life, or even our next breath for that matter.

Some people think if their wife is cheating, they have a right to cheat back. But adultery is a sin against God. It's not just about getting back at the other person. Some people justify cheating because of their spouse's defrauding them. It's wrong to defraud, but that spouses sin doesn't justify the other spouse sinning against God by committing adultery. It doesn't justify watching porn and lusting after the people in it either.

 

[presidente]

Thanks to everyone who have given advice and understood my situation. Today when I was alone at home I did read some of those Bible verses from our wedding bible out loud. It was the first time for me to read God's word out loud. It felt amazingly good.

Start taking the lead, spiritually, in the marriage. Pray with your wife every night. I've read and found a couple of sources for the stat I've heard quoted that less than 1% of married couples who regularly pray together divorce. You can also study the Bible with your wife. Just reading will be good. Get God involved with your marriage.

An added benefit to having a marriage that pleases God is that if you are both doing right in your marriage, your wife will be having sex with you like the Bible teaches, and you'd be free of the porn, too.

 

[JesusLives]

Finn

It was brave of you to make your post. I know you are hurt by your wife's actions toward you it would be very hard to be married and not to be loved the way you desire toward your wife or by your wife. I have empathy for your situation. Since we have no control over anyone but ourselves I believe you are doing the right thing in your search for God and by reading your Bible you can certainly find Him there speaking to you from the Bible.

God knows your situation and just how painful it is for you. Continue to pray and get to know God. Give Him your heart and life, ask Him for forgiveness in this problem area of your life. God stands with open arms to embrace you with His love and if you give your wife to him and this addiction of porn He will gladly take them both and work in a mighty way in your life. You just have to trust Him and no matter what the outcome with your wife just know that God will always be with you and you can rest in Him knowing that you have salvation that is a free gift to you from Jesus death that He died on the cross that covers any sin that has been committed. Just surrender yourself to God.

Dear Father In Heaven

I pray for Finn and his wife that You would come into their lives and make changes that are so needed. Please help Finn in his addiction and please soften Finn's wife's heart so that they will be able to communicate with each other and that she would be open to get outside counseling. This is a painful situation for Finn Father and He needs Your strength and Your love at this moment. Please work on Finns behalf I pray in Jesus Name Amen

 

[imhumbled]

If you are looking at "normal pictures of women [you] know". Maybe you could think of your wife. I don't know if that would work. I will pray for you.

 

[finn75]

But anyone who gets married takes upon himself or herself the obligation and responsibility to have sex. It's part of the package.

I guess I feel the same too about marriage. But in my opinion if one doesn't want to have sex I think that must be respected too. No one can be forced to have sex. It's just that he or she should speak about this before engagement and marriage if he/she already knows it. And if it's like our case, I mean the sex life is fine until it suddenly changes I feel there should be some kind of explanation why one doesn't want to have sex anymore.

In our case I do not know what might be the reason. I'm still much the same person who she married, physically and from my heart. It's not the motherhood I guess because this refusal of intimacy started years after we had kids. And it's not the issue about birth control because I have done like she wanted and used a condom every time we have done it. We got our children right after we got married and she decided that two is enough. At first she wanted me to get vasectomy (sterilization) and when I told I couldn't, she started pills and besides that inisisted use of a rubber. Myself I thought even then that God is the one who should do family planning but I didn't make a issue out of it and went the way my wife wanted. Also otherwise we have cosy life, both have jobs, we have a nice house etc.

I guess you could 'out' her to relatives for it. That's kind of a shaming technique.

Actually I have thought that should I tell her parents about this issue. But I am not sure if shaming her being a bad wife would eventually work. I have also thought about talking about this with my wife's friend because she might know something I do not know. But I have not done that either. Here in Finland church is not kind of place one can go and discuss about things and she visits church only in weddings and funerals so closing her out from there is not a solution at all.

Btw, if I were you, I wouldn't post a message about porn and masturbation issues and post a picture of my face on there. It's up to you.

I know that it might not be wise but I do not want to hide myself. It is me who is having these problems and not some anonymous internet avatar. I do have a nickname but if someone wants to know my real name and location, I will tell in private message because this time I want to stand behind things I have done.

I know someone might recognize me and shame me because my masturbation addiction and other sins I have made but then it must be God's plan and I deserve that shaming.

And if someone I know in real life finds me here I wish he/she contacts me about this because then we both have this website and faith in God in common.

If you are looking at "normal pictures of women [you] know". Maybe you could think of your wife. I don't know if that would work. I will pray for you.

Well, I am doing this too. I look at my wife's pictures when I do it. And when I am looking at porn, it's not the showbusiness stuff but usually amateur filmed with person similar to my wife. I imagine that is my wife and me. Sometimes I also have lust towards some women I know. My friends' wife and another's girlfriend. I feel very ashamed and filthy because that and I feel especially ashamed to confess this. I pray God and Jesus that I could be forgiven.

Thank you all for praying for me. This support brings me closer to God.

 

[Dan58]

Before our marriage got "cold" she was very sexual person and enjoyed it. Even now she has a masturbation toy in her lingerie drawer and when I put clean laundry there I can see it's placing varies so she might be using it. It's also a thing she doesn't want to discuss about. I do have had some suspicious moments that she might be getting physical intimacy from someone else. She has sometimes strange work shifts, 2-3 hours overtime and she has told me I should not call to her work place when she is at work. I still would not believe she could cheat me.

If she is not going to give me physical intimacy, hugs or kisses anymore, is she filling her marital vows? Can she decide that I must live in celibacy because masturabtion is wrong?

The apostle Paul wrote; "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7;9). Despite being married, you still burn with passion because of an unresponsive wife. No where in the bible does it say masturbation is a sin. A single person is not suppose to lust after a married person, and a married person is only suppose to lust for their spouse. Jesus said; "Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5;28). Obviously, you can't commit adultery if your single and lust for another single person. But since your married, lusting after other women is adultery of the heart.

From what you wrote, I think your a tad naive, your wife didn't all the sudden lose interest in sex. Time to wake-up and confront her. She's either involved with someone else, or she prefers her toys, I suspect the former. Jesus did say; "Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery" (Matthew 19;9). It seems your wife has already put you away, she's either cheating or she's replaced you with fantasy. People just don't lose all interest for no reason, somethings going on, she's keeping something secret. Masturbation is probably the least of your problems. I don't mean to sound harsh, but its time to wake up and smell the coffee. I'd have some divorce papers drawn-up and list the reason as her infidelity. Since she won't talk about it, push the issue and get the truth. She's jerking you around without even touching you! jmo

 

[jer2911]

To me, it seemed like I'm reading the situation of my brother with two kids. Only the difference is he's not receptive and very transparent about it. He's not seeking God and instead, he is so prideful to acknowledge he has a problem and not owning his mistakes. He's not taking responsibility, always blameshifting.

I admire your transparency, courage and humility to post this thread. It only shows that you are fighting for your relationship with God and your marriage.

As I'm reading your thread and the poster's response, I'm having a deeper understanding of my brother's predicament. Please bear with my grammar and other wordings. Only pls. focus to what I'm trying to convey.

You said that:

...I wish I could get my wife to discuss about this problem and visit counsellor with me. I guess a Christian counsellor is not what she wants though.

I said:
Good for you to executiing your best to make it out with your wife. I only felt like she's not open for anything that you are proposing. As you are very open to your thought life, with her she's not. I felt like God is permitting her to be close-minded because maybe she's also into something. I don't know if that is an illicit affair, or hardly a mere grudge to you, or a personal struggle to herself like insecurities and envy for her friends' status in life.

But my suggestion is this. Before attemtpting to interprest and examine her attitude towards you, why not le God examine you first? Yes, you are in bible reading and praying, but what about TRUSTING? How was your trust-level in God?

You said that:

I'm not very good in bible yet.. is there some particular verses that could be good to read when I start feeling weak about this?

You know the story of Solomon? He is a walking-wisdom. He's full of wisdom but he's not full of the Spirit. At first, God was pleased with what he wished and prayed for them when given all the benefits he got from wisdom, he forgot that he was simply a man with a crown only on his head, and a power that is limited to God's apppointed time. Well, don't we all commit the same mistake?

PROVERBS 9:10 NIV/NLT

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in good judgment.

Addiction to porn, masturbation and any kind of self-gratification starts with having NO HEALTHY FEAR IN GOD. Why do you think people kill other people? Because they have no fear for the consequence, no fear of tomorrow. No fear of the one who can kill their body and soul - GOD. They are above Him, they are above the law.

The next is they don't have knowledge. They don't know God, Their Gods are themselves. They understand their thoughts and feelings only and not other's feelings and thoughts. What would Jesus do if he's in front of a computer. Would he click it and open the porno? What would he have felt?

You said that:

And I guess I should study more what bible says about marriage because I don't feel comfortable in my marriage. One thing what disturbed me back in time when we used to have physical intimacy was use of birth control. We have two kids but both those were planned ones and those were the only times she let us be intimate without birth control, otherwise she forced me to put a condom on and even tried to persuade me to get sterilized after second baby. I don't .. or I should say didn't feel comfortable with it.

I said:

Mentioning about two children. How old are they now? My nephews are 17 and 6 years old. Because of my brother's addiction to porno, sometimes he forgot to log-out. The kids are using the same computer. I was then furious that I saw my two nephews browsing in You Tube those porno! How could I eradicate that from their mind? Think of the consequences it will bring to your family. Think that it will even destroy your self-esteem. Have you watched the FIREPROOF movie?

Please. please. I plead you, stop it! Humble yourself before men. Don't wait for God to humble you. You may not be able to cope if he deals with you.

We are praying for you. May God use you powerfully just like Peter.

Luke 22:31-32

31 “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. 32 But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.”​

 

[blue_ladybug]

If the singles. It cuts like a knife. I personally hate it and find it disgusting and vile. But, we are sin and we will never ever be like Him but we can be of Him. Don't let yourself become depressed over it. Just pray for the Lord to keep away and speak with your wife.

Good Luck

uhmm...say what?

 

[amymine712]

I know that it might not be wise but I do not want to hide myself. It is me who is having these problems and not some anonymous internet avatar. I do have a nickname but if someone wants to know my real name and location, I will tell in private message because this time I want to stand behind things I have done.

I know someone might recognize me and shame me because my masturbation addiction and other sins I have made but then it must be God's plan and I deserve that shaming.

And if someone I know in real life finds me here I wish he/she contacts me about this because then we both have this website and faith in God in common.

Hon you are so brave and taking the right steps to free yourself from the addiction. A big step is to call attention to it so you can not hide from it anymore. Get yourself an accountability partner. Someone you feel comfortable talking about this with, someone who will pray with and for you.

Now about the shaming...Do not take that into yourself. No one has the right to judge you but God and He will never shame you. Shame is used to keep you away from God not to draw you closer to Him. You need to draw close to God in order to beat this addiction. God only wants you to acknowledge your sin, repent of it and turn from it...to do that you need to lean on God which is hard to do if you are feeling shame. So don't let let shame enter into your life and keep striving to draw closer to God.

 

[finn75]

Now about the shaming...Do not take that into yourself. No one has the right to judge you but God and He will never shame you. Shame is used to keep you away from God not to draw you closer to Him. You need to draw close to God in order to beat this addiction. God only wants you to acknowledge your sin, repent of it and turn from it...to do that you need to lean on God which is hard to do if you are feeling shame. So don't let let shame enter into your life and keep striving to draw closer to God.

I won't take shaming into myself. I meant that if someone is so weak and nasty that he feels he must shame me in some way because I have made a public confession about my addiction, I can take it. I guess if something comes along because me talking here with my face shown that must be for some reason.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

I feel that you need to get to the root of the problem and that is your wife. Why does she not want to be intimate with you - there has to be a reason? Maybe she had a valid reason. Are you intimate with her in other ways? Do you talk? Do things together? I know if it were me and my husband was distant generally then I wouldn't want to be used simply for sex. I'm not being harsh here I just want you to see it through a woman's point of view. This is no way to conduct a marriage. You must keep asking her to give you a reason, tell her you deserve that much.
Talk to God about this issue and become intimate with Him, this will enable you to make everything else secondary. Read His word and study the true meaning behind them, talk to Him constantly - the Bible tells us to pray without ceasing.
Don't look at images if the result leads to sin.
If your wife flatly refuses to go to counselling with you then go alone.
Finally, if nothing changes you may need to consider moving out. A normal marriage should contain physical intimacy.

 

[Patnubay]

I won't take shaming into myself. I meant that if someone is so weak and nasty that he feels he must shame me in some way because I have made a public confession about my addiction, I can take it. I guess if something comes along because me talking here with my face shown that must be for some reason.

Dude, go to the gym. Exercise is the best replacement for sex. It is also an outlet and will definitely put off your lust. Masturbation is sin and so is your thoughts. If your mind is lusting, then run......literally.

 

[finn75]

I feel that you need to get to the root of the problem and that is your wife. Why does she not want to be intimate with you - there has to be a reason? Maybe she had a valid reason. Are you intimate with her in other ways? Do you talk? Do things together? I know if it were me and my husband was distant generally then I wouldn't want to be used simply for sex. I'm not being harsh here I just want you to see it through a woman's point of view. This is no way to conduct a marriage. You must keep asking her to give you a reason, tell her you deserve that much.
Talk to God about this issue and become intimate with Him, this will enable you to make everything else secondary. Read His word and study the true meaning behind them, talk to Him constantly - the Bible tells us to pray without ceasing.
Don't look at images if the result leads to sin.
If your wife flatly refuses to go to counselling with you then go alone.
Finally, if nothing changes you may need to consider moving out. A normal marriage should contain physical intimacy.

Yes you are right that the root of the problem is something my wife has the key to open. I have developed my filthy addiction after the physical intimacy disappeared from my marriage. But she just refuses to talk about it. When I start conversation about sex life she changes the subject or leaves the room. Or if we talk in bedroom she pretends she sleeps.

We talk about other matters such as family life, our work, daily news etc. We watch television together, we play some board games together and life is quite good in every other aspect than physical intuimacy. She avoids situations where we would be just by two of us. She doesn't want me to kiss her or hug her in passionate way.

I have tried to organize romantic weekends without children, I have bought her presents, renovated and decorated our master bedroom in her style and tried to talk with her and also given her time without trying to talk. But physical intimacy is a subject she doesn't want to talk.

 

[Hashe]

Get professional Christian help.
There are way too many people out there who say, 'confess and pray and all will go away'. It isn't quite that simple. There are some very good professional Christian people who can help you deal with the issue. Find someone and get them to help. Getting help on this website from people who think they are professionals because they read a Bible verse is asking for trouble.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

Get professional Christian help.
There are way too many people out there who say, 'confess and pray and all will go away'. It isn't quite that simple. There are some very good professional Christian people who can help you deal with the issue. Find someone and get them to help. Getting help on this website from people who think they are professionals because they read a Bible verse is asking for trouble.

I agree that counselling is the next step - if not together then alone. There has to be a reason a wife regects her husband's advances.

 

[amymine712]

Dude, go to the gym. Exercise is the best replacement for sex. It is also an outlet and will definitely put off your lust. Masturbation is sin and so is your thoughts. If your mind is lusting, then run......literally.

Yes exercising does help. It is a natural high and relieves stress. Plus exercising is good God time. During exercise try talking with God and praising Him.

Good advice!

 

[amymine712]

Get professional Christian help.
There are way too many people out there who say, 'confess and pray and all will go away'. It isn't quite that simple. There are some very good professional Christian people who can help you deal with the issue. Find someone and get them to help. Getting help on this website from people who think they are professionals because they read a Bible verse is asking for trouble.

I pray this wasn't directed at me because if I have come across as saying this then I need to be shot! Overcoming an addiction is never easy and relationship issues can be hard to deal with when the other half isn't willing to try.

I do want to repeat that you need good Christian counsel...wether from a professional or your pastor.

 

[Michelleks]

Some thing is wrong in this marriage. Talk to the wife about it. Ask her is she still loves you,and honor the husband .if she is in pain. If she needs a doctor.what you need to do to make her feel good.

 

[Kittycatt]

Read up on female psychology. Understand how a woman thinks and feels and look at what you might be doing that might make her feel like this. From a woman's point if view, she doesn't sound like she feels very loved and probably just thinks your all about the sex.
I physically couldn't do it when I wasn't getting what I needed from my husband emotionally and I withdrew also. The more he pestered me, the more I felt used and degraded even. Because he gave me it all to get me into bed, but the rest of the time I was left dissatisfied and wanting.
I know it's hard, but you need to get sex off your brain. Tell her she seems distant and you wonder if she needs something more from you. Help with the kids/chores/to be listened to maybe?
Women often say to go ahead and do something to test you, they want to see if your going to go through with something that really troubles or worries them. If you went off and stopped bothering her, or she has insight you are doing stuff (very likely as women are very able to sense things) she will be in pieces. She may be worried you are cheating on her also.
If she nags a lot about silly things, this is a sign that there are deeper things going on too.

 

[strugglingfather]

I can completely relate to your feelings after you masturbate. I have struggled with this for years. My wife is always willing, however I always felt it was easier by myself (not trying to sound bad here) I have had the same feeling you have afterwards. I have found I have to redirect my thoughts to Christ
When Peter walked on the waves he was fine as he kept his eyes on Jesus. Once he looked down at the problems (the waves) he began to sink. Christ allowed Peter to walk on the waves so he would know what it feels like to conquer the problem. Just as you now know what it feels like to read His word aloud instead of giving into the temptation.
Keep yourself away from the times and situations you would give into temptation. When your tempted look, at the situation, if it's late at night and your alone in the dark, change the situation. Turn the lights on get your bible out. Listen to Christian music. Anything to change your situation. You need to be aware of when you are most vulnerable and avoid those. As far as what is happening with your wife I can't say.
Watch the movie "fireproof" the battle you are facing is fought on your knees and the war has been won for you. Claim that victory! !