Masturbation in marriage

[finn75]

I am a newbie on the CC. Married 39yo guy who is still searching God.

If you read my other posts you get to know my situation... but there is more.. thing I am very shamed to tell. But I feel I have to let it out.

I have developed an addiction to masturbation and internet porn in the latest years when my wife has refused physical intimacy from me. She has actually even told me to masturbate instead of sex because she doesn't want get intimate with me. She has said that in a very nasty degrading way.

So from time to time I browse internet porn sites and look at the pictures and videos of women. Lately I have even looked at normal pictures of woman I know when I masturbate and had sinful thoughts about them. I try to make it end, but usually I must masturbate at least once a day and I am thinking way too much of it. And when I have done it feel so dirty, humiliated and degraded. Afterall I am a married guy and yet I just have to masturbate. It feels sin.

 

[finn75]

After making this confession I feel very shamed and dirty. I am thinking I should not have posted this here. The more I feel shame and the more I feel dirty, the more it makes me want to find God and find salvation.

 

[blue_ladybug]

After making this confession I feel very shamed and dirty. I am thinking I should not have posted this here. The more I feel shame and the more I feel dirty, the more it makes me want to find God and find salvation.

You are not the first man (or woman either) to post about this situation on here. You feel ashamed and dirty because masturbation is sinful and dirty. That feeling is God convicting you to stop that behavior. Masturbation arises out of lust--you mentioned looking at pictures of women you know and getting lustful feelings.

Step one would be to repent of all this, ask forgiveness from God, then go and remove all porn videos/magazines and content from your house and computer. Step two is go and talk to a counselor about all of this, and your wife should go too. Try and find out why she shuns sex from you.

From now on when you get these feelings, instead of hopping onto your computer and getting on a porn site, go read your bible instead for awhile. Pray about this and turn it over to God.

 

[amymine712]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this issue. I agree with blue about it being the sin of lust or sexual immorality. I also think you should see a counselor and have your wife go along. You need to get to the bottom of why she is refusing sex. You also need to overcome this addiction...yes it is an addiction. It isn't easy to get free from but it can be done. I am living proof.

1. Don't give up. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

2. If you stumble, pick yourself up...repent of your sin and turn from it. Do it as many times as needed.

3. Stay close to God. Lean on Him when you feel the urge to look at porn. What helped me was reading the bible.

4. Do bible studies! Learn about how God views love, sex, relationships, marriage and lust. We must reprogram our minds not to view lust as normal.

5. Pray! Pray for yourself, for wisdom, strength, and purity.

6. Get an accountability partner.They will pray for and with you and offer support. They should help you get back on track.

7. Be diligent! You need to bring your thoughts under control. Stay away from things that turn your mind to porn or masturbation.

8. Turn your thoughts to God. When you find yourself thinking wrong, turn those thoughts to God. Start praising Him, memorize a scripture verse to repeat, just talk to God...anything that works for you to turn those thoughts around.

9. Pray! It bears repeating!

10. Don't give up!​ We are not alone in this walk. Christ is right there with you.

 

[finn75]

I have tried to talk to my wife about this situation of having no more physical intimacy with her. She didn't want to talk with me about it. Then I wrote her some letters about it, told her how I love her and would like to have physical intimacy, hugs and kisses. I asked her to talk about it with me because I felt the problem should be at least talked through. I asked her to talk with me or if she feels she can't I told she could write me back. She didn't write me back and refused to talk about it. I suggested we should go and see a counselor but she doesn't want to.

She just says she don't want to be intimate with me and don't want to talk about it. She referred that I have my hand for such needs. Before our marriage got "cold" she was very sexual person and enjoyed it. Even now she has a masturbation toy in her lingerie drawer and when I put clean laundry there I can see it's placing varies so she might be using it. It's also a thing she doesn't want to discuss about. I do have had some suspicious moments that she might be getting physical intimacy from someone else. She has sometimes strange work shifts, 2-3 hours overtime and she has told me I should not call to her work place when she is at work. I still would not believe she could cheat me.

If she is not going to give me physical intimacy, hugs or kisses anymore, is she filling her marital vows? Can she decide that I must live in celibacy because masturabtion is wrong?

 

[amymine712]

She is definitely not fulfilling her martial vows. There is a reason behind it but, it sounds like she doesn't talk to you. I am at a loss on advice if she won't go to counseling with you. You need Christian couples counseling. Talk to her about it. If she refuses, then maybe a separation would do the trick.

You are to live celibate until this all gets sorted out. Physical intimacy is only to be within the confines of marriage and only with your mate. It won't be easy but it is doable. Plus you need to get the sin addiction of sexual immorality out of your life. You can do it with God's help. I will be praying for you.

 

[finn75]

Thank you amymine712 for praying for me. I wish I could get my wife to discuss about this problem and visit counsellor with me. I guess a Christian counsellor is not what she wants though.

I'm not very good in bible yet.. is there some particular verses that could be good to read when I start feeling weak about this?

And I guess I should study more what bible says about marriage because I don't feel comfortable in my marriage. One thing what disturbed me back in time when we used to have physical intimacy was use of birth control. We have two kids but both those were planned ones and those were the only times she let us be intimate without birth control, otherwise she forced me to put a condom on and even tried to persuade me to get sterilized after second baby. I don't .. or I should say didn't feel comfortable with it.

 

[ParkerTrace]

Galations 5:16.

 

[TheClimaxWarrior]

If the singles. It cuts like a knife. I personally hate it and find it disgusting and vile. But, we are sin and we will never ever be like Him but we can be of Him. Don't let yourself become depressed over it. Just pray for the Lord to keep away and speak with your wife.

Good Luck

 

[JimJimmers]

the more it makes me want to find God and find salvation.

I think this shows it is a good thing you did post it, Sir. You can't do this alone! you need to seek God, and ask Him to give you the power to resist.

 

[EmethAlethia]

As always, if you believe it is sin, it is. Not here to tell anyone that what is not of faith is not sin. It is. Interestingly though, there are no passages whatsoever about masturbation in all of scripture. If I am wrong, let me know. There is a passage about God getting upset about a man refusing to raise up an heir for his brother, but that is another issue entirely.

While I understand the issue of "feeling" something is sin, and even "believing" something is sin, and therefore it is, I am left with the impression that either God couldn't care less about the issue, or no one in Christ's time, or even in the time of any biblical writings, was even tempted to masturbate. Given that God created us with the desire to "Be fruitful and multiply", I am left with the other option. God doesn't really care one way or the other. To state that it is a FACT that God does care, and that masturbation is undeniably always sin, would seem to be teaching as doctrines the precepts of men. Correct me if I am wrong.


There is a passage in the new testament that talks about being in the same room with a married woman and dwelling intently on lust with her, and that being adultery, But I am assuming that you aren't going into a room with a woman married to another man and dwelling on lustful thoughts with her there. While this wouldn't be physical adultery, it would be adultery with her in your heart, a prerequisite to adultery, and something that the Pharisees and religious leaders were fond of doing to "skirt" the issues.

There are, of course, those that don't want to have the word be "adultery" and don't want the requirement to be being in the same room with a woman married to another man still living. But that requires us to change the words used from the only word in Greek for Married woman, to maid, and from adultery to fornication. Changing the meaning to force it to conform to what we want the verse to say is probably not what God would approve of though.

Some interesting thoughts. I believe David had 6 wives, and kids with 5 of them before committing adultery. According to our modern definition of the term, I commit adultery when I take my second wife, do I not. Another interesting thing. Solomon had almost a 1000 wives and concubines, and while God does reprove him for sin, and does tell him his consequences for it, it has nothing to do with him looking at a thousand different woman while they are naked. Nor, interestingly, is there any comment about him touching all of them sexually, or even having intercourse and kids with them. All of that and we never once hear about the adultery of Solomon. Again the definition of adultery comes into play.

One would think that the poster child for ungodly lust would be Solomon, and yet nowhere, in all of scripture, did God, or any Godly man, even Paul, even Christ, accuse Solomon of ungodly lust, even once. 1 Cor. 7:1 talks about touching a woman. Specifically, from the context of the next verse, it is a touching that "could" lead to other things. The passage talks about the requirements of marriage, and God's commands with regards to sex. Those who are disobedient, it seems, CAUSE their partners some issues.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I am open to seeing passages, in context, without distorting the meaning of the words, that say that masturbation is wrong as far as God is concerned. Also, as I said before, if you believe something is a sin, it is for you. If you believe eating tomatoes is sinful, it is for you, believe eating pizza is a sin, it is for you. Playing cards, seeing movies, using electricity in your home ... doesn't matter. But that is a different thing than teaching that your beliefs are the doctrines of God. For that does require scripture, not distorted to force it to comply with our beliefs.

 

[Angela53510]

Only Jesus Christ can forgive your sin, and restore your marriage. Repenting and turning your life over to God has to be the first step, before you can even start to work through the sin and martial issues.

Please see a pastor to talk about your need for Chist. Get some individual counselling if your wife won't come. Get a modern translation of the Bible, like NASB, NIV, HCSB or ESV and read the New Testament and the Psalms. Then the Old Testament. God will speak to you through his Word!

As for your wife she is totally in the wrong Biblically by refusing you martial relations. But do not force her, as you could be charged with rape. You really need to find out if she is having an affair. If she is, you can end the marriage, if she is not willing to change.

"Heavenly Father, I pray for Finn that you would comfort and help him. Please reveal yourself to Finn so he might repent of his sin and become a child of God. We know salvation is totally of you, Lord, so touch Finn in a way that he knows you are real, and I pray he will follow you all the days of his life. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!"

 

[phillip1980]

When you pray about this issue. Pray for deliverance from this situation, and pray with a humble heart. You can and will receive deliverance from this through faith.

 

[amymine712]

Thank you amymine712 for praying for me. I wish I could get my wife to discuss about this problem and visit counsellor with me. I guess a Christian counsellor is not what she wants though.

I'm not very good in bible yet.. is there some particular verses that could be good to read when I start feeling weak about this?

And I guess I should study more what bible says about marriage because I don't feel comfortable in my marriage. One thing what disturbed me back in time when we used to have physical intimacy was use of birth control. We have two kids but both those were planned ones and those were the only times she let us be intimate without birth control, otherwise she forced me to put a condom on and even tried to persuade me to get sterilized after second baby. I don't .. or I should say didn't feel comfortable with it.

I would start in 1 Corinthians 6...the whole chapter is good food for the soul. If you would like some specific verses, I will list some:

Mark 7:20-22 Amplified version...Here it shows that sexual immorality is different then adultery
20 And He said, What comes out of a man is what makes a man unclean and renders [him] unhallowed.
21 For from within, [that is] out of the hearts of men, come base and wicked thoughts, sexual immorality, stealing, murder, adultery,
22 Coveting (a greedy desire to have more wealth), dangerous and destructive wickedness, deceit;[a]unrestrained (indecent) conduct; an evil eye (envy), slander (evil speaking, malicious misrepresentation, abusiveness), pride ([b]the sin of an uplifted heart against God and man), foolishness (folly, lack of sense, recklessness, thoughtlessness).



1 Corinthians 6: 12-18 ESV...BOLD is just me emphasizing.

12 “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything.13 “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, andthe Lord for the body. 14 And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined[d] to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin[e] a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

 

[Sethbenrose]

I am new here as well, but I struggled with porn myself and it took it's toll on my marriage. I am now trying to repair the damage it caused but that in it self is a whole different thread. I can tell you how I got over my addiction though.

first, I asked Jesus for strength to overcome the temptations, in moments of weakness I dropped to my knees, or started to pray. I also removed myself from any opportunity to be exposed to it.
second, it help me to think of two thing and both kept me from ever wanting to look again.
1) the woman in those porn shows are someone's daughter, wife ect, the moment you give in to porn ask your self how you would feel if that women was your wife or daughter. seriously would you be ok with someone else being with your wife, or looking at her like you are those women? Probably not.
2) God is always watching us He is everywhere so when you, take pleasure in sexual sin such as this he sees you, to me that's kind of embarrassing.
lastly I had to ask myself what meant more to me my wife, whom I love or the porn, you my find pleasure in it but you are causing her to feel down about her self and in my case she almost left me.
keep in mind that you may think she doesn't know but she does, or will find out.
I will pray for you, I have been there my friend, it's hard.

 

[finn75]

Thanks to everyone who have given advice and understood my situation. Today when I was alone at home I did read some of those Bible verses from our wedding bible out loud. It was the first time for me to read God's word out loud. It felt amazingly good.

 

[amymine712]

Thanks to everyone who have given advice and understood my situation. Today when I was alone at home I did read some of those Bible verses from our wedding bible out loud. It was the first time for me to read God's word out loud. It felt amazingly good.

Praise the Lord!

Keep reading the bible. It does help tremendously. God's word is food for your spirit so, don't starve it.

 

[Animus]

Before our marriage got "cold" she was very sexual person and enjoyed it. Even now she has a masturbation toy in her lingerie drawer and when I put clean laundry there I can see it's placing varies so she might be using it. It's also a thing she doesn't want to discuss about. I do have had some suspicious moments that she might be getting physical intimacy from someone else. She has sometimes strange work shifts, 2-3 hours overtime and she has told me I should not call to her work place when she is at work. I still would not believe she could cheat me.

If she is not going to give me physical intimacy, hugs or kisses anymore, is she filling her marital vows? Can she decide that I must live in celibacy because masturabtion is wrong?

So she's definitely engaging in sexual activity apart from you, and from the sounds of it she's probably watching porn aswell, and it sounds like she is possibly also cheating on you. From the sounds of " I wish I could get my wife to discuss about this problem and visit counsellor with me. I guess a Christian counsellor is not what she wants though. " I would guess that your wife isn't a Christian, and is probably not wanting to work things out because she is enjoying whatever she is doing.

I know it's tempting to try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, consider those that do evil as "lost", and consider all evil to be done out of lack of understand, but I don't believe that's the case. People know what they are doing and they do it anyways. They know that it is wrong and how it will affect people but they do not care. She is likely not attracted to you anymore, either because you have changed physically, or characteristically, or possibly she's just become greedy for more. But none of the evils which she has committed can harm you, unless you allow them to.

The devil is going to try to trick you into believing that you deserve sexual pleasure, and that what you are doing is just because you have been denied what you deserve. Things may turn around, and you may not have to live a life of celibacy, but if you do, remember that you were once given that which you did not deserve. I do not say this to sound harsh, I am only saying that any moral sex that you have engaged in you should consider as a gift from God, not a right, not something which you are entitled to. If God allowed you to fly for a day it would seem unreasonable to be angry with Him for keeping you on the ground all of the other days.

 

[finn75]

The devil is going to try to trick you into believing that you deserve sexual pleasure, and that what you are doing is just because you have been denied what you deserve. Things may turn around, and you may not have to live a life of celibacy, but if you do, remember that you were once given that which you did not deserve. I do not say this to sound harsh, I am only saying that any moral sex that you have engaged in you should consider as a gift from God, not a right, not something which you are entitled to. If God allowed you to fly for a day it would seem unreasonable to be angry with Him for keeping you on the ground all of the other days.

Interesting. I have not thought it from this perspective. This makes me re-think the situation.

 

[presidente]

I am a newbie on the CC. Married 39yo guy who is still searching God.

If you read my other posts you get to know my situation... but there is more.. thing I am very shamed to tell. But I feel I have to let it out.

I have developed an addiction to masturbation and internet porn in the latest years when my wife has refused physical intimacy from me. She has actually even told me to masturbate instead of sex because she doesn't want get intimate with me. She has said that in a very nasty degrading way.

So from time to time I browse internet porn sites and look at the pictures and videos of women. Lately I have even looked at normal pictures of woman I know when I masturbate and had sinful thoughts about them. I try to make it end, but usually I must masturbate at least once a day and I am thinking way too much of it. And when I have done it feel so dirty, humiliated and degraded. Afterall I am a married guy and yet I just have to masturbate. It feels sin.

People have different opinions on masturbation. Whatever you do with that issue, cut out the porn. Jesus said that He who looks at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. Where your wife refuses you or not, it is a sin against the Lord to look at other women with lust. If your wife refuses to have sex, I wish there were some magic button you could push to fix that situation. You need to be finding ways to try to fix that. Getting rid of the porn may be a good step. At least, it may help your relationship with the Lord so you can strengthen your faith and your prayer life and hopefully see better results.

Sometimes lack of sexual intimacy in marriage is a symptom of underlying relationship issues, for example, when one partner is bitter against the other. Some people have been abused or just have hang ups and issues for some reason. But anyone who gets married takes upon himself or herself the obligation and responsibility to have sex. It's part of the package. I don't know why the typical marriage vows don't mention it, aside from prudishness of course.

Porn is poison for a marriage. So is sexual refusal. The combination is bad. I know a couple that divorced when the husband was into porn and the wife refused him, probably using the porn as her justification. But that contributes to the problem rather than helping, especially since she'd continue refusing when he confessed his sin and wanted to do right. My point in mentioning this is not to depress you, but to remind you that this is a serious issue for the marriage.

If your wife isn't sleeping with you, it could be that she doesn't respect you or that her attraction to you has dropped for physical reasons or something like that. She could just have her own psychological hangups. That sort of thing can come from past abuse or relationships or just other emotional or psychological problems.

What do you do? You can pray. Repent of your own sins, too, and pray for her and yourself. One guy who was refused said he was going to make his wife sleep on the coach and tell her if she wasn't going to sleep with him she couldn't sleep with him. If she wasn't going to be a wife with him, he wasn't going to pretend she wasn't. I guess you could 'out' her to relatives for it. That's kind of a shaming technique. Definitely not the first resort. I read of a woman who got her husband disfellowshipped from a church in New England during the Puritan era as a form of church discipline for not sleeping with her. Actually, that may be a Biblical way of going about it. (Your porn use might come out as well if that were to actually happen.) Unfortunately, many churches ignore NT teachings on church discipline for more obvious sins like adultery and fornication, so it's unlikely they'll do anything about this if you brought it up in a lot of churches.

You can also work on your seduction skills. "Do you want to have sex tonight?" probably isn't going to work. Lot's of affectionate touches leading up to more sexual touches as it gets to be night, really long kisses, picking her up and carrying her over the threshold to the bedroom might help. You could try some 'girly' stuff like getting the room ready with rose petals on the bed and scented candles. You can offer her a massage and work your way up from that. Think how teenagers end up having sex and the girl getting pregnant. They start with kissing and escalate from there, I guess. (Never done it, but we can imagine.) Asking may not pique her interest as much as actions. Showing her your wedding video or old photos may also spark some feelings, too.

Btw, if I were you, I wouldn't post a message about porn and masturbation issues and post a picture of my face on there. It's up to you. Of course, you could be posting the picture of someone else you know as your picture when you post on these topics for all I know.