Honesty

im exhausted. not just that exhausted that comes from staying up night after night but the exhausted that comes from fighting each day. its not the exhausted that you find in your physical body but in your heart and soul. i fall to my knees in front of God and weep. im desperate for him to come close im desperate for him to hear me and heal me....im desperate and i weep.

i log on again and over the mic i hear someone say "i feel like someone needs prayer and is lost " i wearily speak up and say " i do" he preaches and tells me that "God will heal me and that he can feel my burdens be lifted that he knows god is healing me and that my he knows that my anxiety is gone."......and my heart breaks. it breaks because i want that to be true and believe God can heal me. it breaks because i feel as if im not worthy of Gods healing i feel broken and ashamed. it breaks because I feel even more dissent from God and disappointed in myself. i sit and think maybe if i prayed harder maybe if i read more. maybe if i just went to church more or another bible study. maybe...im not a good christen.

another person chimes in saying " i prayed and had others pray over me and i was healed from my PTSD" and i find myself angry. Part of me isn't sure if im angry at that person or if im angry at God or even if im angry at myself. My happiness for them is tainted with jealously and because of this im ashamed. Im jealous because i want that to be me I want so badly to be healed. Im angry because i want answers and no one seems to have any. im angry because i feel as if they look down on my faith because if they prayed and had faith that they would be healed then my faith must not be as good as theirs because I am not healed. I'm angry because God has not healed me.

I feel as if my faith is in question when people learn of my struggles. when i say "i need prayer im having a hard day" instead of praying for me they say "you should read your bible" or "you should have quiet time with God each day" or "do you go to church" iv come to the point where i politely accept the advice and move on. but really inside i want to scream. I read my bible each day out loud and study my scripture. I fall to my knees before God and thank him for everything he has given me and ask for healing. I go to Church when i can but some days i just cant. but when i get the courage to tell them this i get this question " do u believe God can heal you" I believe God can do anything iv seem him do amazing things in my life and i know he is powerful and good. i know with everything i have that God can heal me. for once instead of people trying to make God heal me i would like to seem them say something like " God will use you where u are at and i will pray that u stand strong in him"



I have spelling digraphia plz excuse the mistakes although my gramer is bad at times i still feel as if i have something to say

It's a hard knocks life. May your struggle dwindle in time, miss broken. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Don't ever feel wrong for asking for your brother's and sister's in Christ to pray for you. No one is perfect and I know that the Lord is healing you. It is not on our time but on our father's time. Keep your faith and do not give up. Remember his love is made perfect in our weakness. Sometimes people cannot even begin to understand the pain in which we are going through- Our father does. Do not become discouraged- you are blessed and anointed in the name of Jesus Christ.

sweetlybroken,

what you have written and shared has given me much hope for you,
and this is because just about all those whom I have met and known
think of themselves as not needing a thing but have already attained
some kind of 'perfection' -
your beseeching your Father and desiring a closer and more intimate
relationship is so beautiful to read,
we who love Him will always waver, but He will not -

for now, put your expectations on hold and just allow yourself
to rest and ride upon His perfect promises.

GBY

Let's see...Moses had a bad stuttering problem, plus he murdered and buried the victim, David had a man killed in order to take that man's wife as his own, Paul had a 'thorn in the flesh', Peter denied JESUS 3 times, drew a sword and cut off an ear of a man in the garden of Gethsemane, King Saul kept vigil with a witch, the list goes on..NOBODY in the BIBLE was perfect..each having their own set of problems. You are correct..GOD can and will use you for HIS purposes, if you tune in to the Holy SPIRIT. Smith Wigglesworth, an early 20th century evangelical healer, had a daughter who remained deaf her entire LIFE. The difference is..his daughter did not go online and give herself a pity party. I'm sure she had her moments, but she stood strong, supported her family, was a very productive CHRISTIAN lady. Catch my drift? I would start by changing your screen name, change your attitude, praise more, read the BIBLE more, give more in time and talent to others..forget wallowing in self made mud puddles and stop frowning. How effective can you be for JESUS if your sadness is always overtaking you?