V
There are times, O my Lord,
When I feel torn apart.
My feet stumble to and fro,
my heart feels cold and hard.
I think to the times a few years ago,
when I first came to know your love.
It felt as though the yelling and pain
hushed to a whisper, slowed to a crawl.
Now, years from then, and this relationship has changed.
You are always there for me, but me, I'm not the same.
Drugs, despair, and sleepless nights, all gone for sure,
but, I remember that moment deep in my heart, and it yearns.
The leaping that my heart made, at the remembrance of your great love,
It seems so long ago, that sprint that I made,
The long dash, finally free of the grave,
has slown to a crawl. My eyes on the cross, but no footfalls towards you.
With tears in my eyes it seems as though with every day in these two years,
I have come no closer to your side, and it is the root of my fear.
I feel as though even through all that has changed in me,
I am no closer to what you deserve.
You tell me of the love that I need to remember, how you truly feel.
Why is the confusion so strong? Why does hatred feel so real?
As a child, I felt lost and alone,
forgotten and misheard,
who lived a life
who lived a lie
spent with the heart cry to be a shoulder,
to be a breath of fresh air, to bring joy.
As the years marched on, the coldness of this world brought chill to my heart,
And for those years I felt trapped in a cell with no way out to be what I was meant to be.
Several times, I found the only time that I felt as though anything was real, was in my pain,
the breaking of my heart for the hopelessness that the world had for me,
and in those moments a small voice, that I seldom even remembered would say, "Hold on through the storm,
I will bring you peace, I will bring you rest, trust in me."
With nothing left to hold onto, I would let it happen, and it would keep me hanging on.
A joy in giving myself and remembering of being a shoulder.
I never understood, why would someone who says the love me, define this as fair?
My heart never sought an answer, it simply turned back to the lies it had been told,
you are too damaged, not worth it, there is nothing here for you but pain.
Time and time again, the sliding down, the spiraling down, the lack of hope....
and like a heartbeat, fading, quietly, into the only true wage of sin.... I felt myself slide away,
And then, your light, your love broke forth in my heart, and I heard the answer,
"I have always been here, I always will be here, I love you, you do not understand
the reason for the things that are happening, but it is okay, trust in me."
How could I trust? My broken heart wondered to itself in its agony, and the words
of the Lord to Job came through for me to understand my own understanding.
Could I make an eagle? Can I separate the sky from the water? Can I make the mountains?
Can I hold all things together in my hands?
If I cannot do these simplest of things that God must do, even moreso, if I cannot understand,
How could I possibly, deny, the one, who has shown me His trustworthiness at every turn?
Like a flood, rolling deep and slow through a canyon,
the memories came back,
every moment when I counted myself alone,
His hand was on my heart, on my shoulder, telling me to cry, to let it out,
to cry out, to let it go, to know that He is stronger than my pain,
that He is with me, and He is in my heart, as He tells us all in His word.
He has been there, in every heartache, every confusion, every tear, every sin.
He has been my God through them all, and has paid the final price once and for all.
So, don't be afraid, don't give up now, let the Lord in.
He is Firm in the Storm, so let the lovestory, again, begin.
When I feel torn apart.
My feet stumble to and fro,
my heart feels cold and hard.
I think to the times a few years ago,
when I first came to know your love.
It felt as though the yelling and pain
hushed to a whisper, slowed to a crawl.
Now, years from then, and this relationship has changed.
You are always there for me, but me, I'm not the same.
Drugs, despair, and sleepless nights, all gone for sure,
but, I remember that moment deep in my heart, and it yearns.
The leaping that my heart made, at the remembrance of your great love,
It seems so long ago, that sprint that I made,
The long dash, finally free of the grave,
has slown to a crawl. My eyes on the cross, but no footfalls towards you.
With tears in my eyes it seems as though with every day in these two years,
I have come no closer to your side, and it is the root of my fear.
I feel as though even through all that has changed in me,
I am no closer to what you deserve.
You tell me of the love that I need to remember, how you truly feel.
Why is the confusion so strong? Why does hatred feel so real?
As a child, I felt lost and alone,
forgotten and misheard,
who lived a life
who lived a lie
spent with the heart cry to be a shoulder,
to be a breath of fresh air, to bring joy.
As the years marched on, the coldness of this world brought chill to my heart,
And for those years I felt trapped in a cell with no way out to be what I was meant to be.
Several times, I found the only time that I felt as though anything was real, was in my pain,
the breaking of my heart for the hopelessness that the world had for me,
and in those moments a small voice, that I seldom even remembered would say, "Hold on through the storm,
I will bring you peace, I will bring you rest, trust in me."
With nothing left to hold onto, I would let it happen, and it would keep me hanging on.
A joy in giving myself and remembering of being a shoulder.
I never understood, why would someone who says the love me, define this as fair?
My heart never sought an answer, it simply turned back to the lies it had been told,
you are too damaged, not worth it, there is nothing here for you but pain.
Time and time again, the sliding down, the spiraling down, the lack of hope....
and like a heartbeat, fading, quietly, into the only true wage of sin.... I felt myself slide away,
And then, your light, your love broke forth in my heart, and I heard the answer,
"I have always been here, I always will be here, I love you, you do not understand
the reason for the things that are happening, but it is okay, trust in me."
How could I trust? My broken heart wondered to itself in its agony, and the words
of the Lord to Job came through for me to understand my own understanding.
Could I make an eagle? Can I separate the sky from the water? Can I make the mountains?
Can I hold all things together in my hands?
If I cannot do these simplest of things that God must do, even moreso, if I cannot understand,
How could I possibly, deny, the one, who has shown me His trustworthiness at every turn?
Like a flood, rolling deep and slow through a canyon,
the memories came back,
every moment when I counted myself alone,
His hand was on my heart, on my shoulder, telling me to cry, to let it out,
to cry out, to let it go, to know that He is stronger than my pain,
that He is with me, and He is in my heart, as He tells us all in His word.
He has been there, in every heartache, every confusion, every tear, every sin.
He has been my God through them all, and has paid the final price once and for all.
So, don't be afraid, don't give up now, let the Lord in.
He is Firm in the Storm, so let the lovestory, again, begin.