Poems, thoughts, songs

This is the most lame and pathetic excuse,
first off, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness..
but the reason I came around was that I've missed you, and it's been a hard year without you.

I got so use to you going away and coming back,
I thought that it was going to happen again eventually...I may have gotten confused and thought you were trying again and I thought we were doing The song and dance again.
The whole deal is confusing to me anyway.

You shined a light on something about me
that I didn't want people to know,
because people are judgemental and cruel...ESPECIALLY Christians.. ministers would have a field day and use me as a sermon to teach little girls how to be pure and how not to be like me. I was afraid of that..

and I've always put pride in how my parents saw me.. I didn't want to let them down... they can be cruel too with their words, but I know that they love me, and I love them. They will never look at me the same again if they know this about me.

I didn't want people to know that I was fornicating,
without being married.. fooling around.
I had a good reputation that I wanted to protect ..and I don't want to be seen as that kind of woman.. too late now huh..

When we messed around, there was no commitment
and I didnt know how you felt.

I misjudged you and your character because of the distance and situation..

I hadn't realized that I was playing games with your heart..
Everytime I said I loved you, then I told you it was over, then i loved you again..I realize now that I was playing games.
but you did,come around too..didn't you? Am I wrong to assume that you did...?

I thought you didn't want to commit, and it was all about lust.

I wanted more than that and I needed you to tell me that it was more than that.

If there are things I am saying that are lies then tell me.. I am glad you did. It cleared up confusion for me on how you feel..
I need to know so I can stop. I should stop anyway, but I thought I should tell you why.

I shouldn't have come around. I am sorry.. I just thought something was there.

I know now..So thank you.

I don't want to be where I am not welcome.
​

.......



Fabricated Liar
by me

First of all.
don't tell me what to do.
I was already a few steps gone,
and then you had to open your big mouth.

Secondly,
don't threaten me with such a hatred,
like you have always done along since the beginning
with the rest of this goony world who has tried
to make me afraid,
and when I've tried to leave you've tried to make me stay.

Third, don't tell me out of the blue
that you Love me and try to
get any loving comfort from me,
after you've made it clear that
things are over.
You hypocrite.

Yes. I am a liar,
I have fabricated this fantasy world,
between you and me,
things I said we never did,
dates we never had,
this fantasy world of poems
and love songs.
I created this horrible fake relationship,
that accommodated you, where it was safe for you,
and you were comfortable for years,
well decently enough anyway.

I did it in order to understand what you wanted,
while doing things at a safe distance,
because lets face it this is crazy. and
beyond how far anyone could go for someone else.

What are you so mad about anyway?
What are you so heartbroken about?
You act like we had this whole loving relationship,
you act like we went on some dates,
WHEN AND WHERE DID THIS HAPPEN?
If I am such a fabricated liar,
to make you feel this way?

News flash,
I left because this was never real,
it was hurting me and breaking me down.
It is not a healthy real relationship that was good for me.
I left because you think it's okay to put
me through the things you put me through.
I left because you think it was okay to threaten me,
that's not the first time.

Apparently all the years
I said I loved you, were not good enough
as the tiny crumbs, and the tiny little amount
of loves you were barely able to squirt out of your head
because it was just too much,
from one letter or tiny bone that you gave out a few times.

If anyone has the right to say it is over
it is definitely me.





​

[video=youtube;jE-Krlqi4fk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jE-Krlqi4fk[/video]

Dare You to Move
Lyrics by Switchfoot


Welcome to the Planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?


I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before


Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be


Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened,

Today never happened,
Today never happened
Today never happened before​

**CC'ers please do not reply to this, please refrain and be respectful and leave this be, this is not for you or your entertainment**

My Conviction and Guilt
by me

This is not a reaction of fear,
fear doesn't work it will just make me mad,
and it will bring out my inner defensive troll.
This is a reaction of my conviction and guilt.

Maybe the dreams and feelings were never you,
maybe you don't even know who i am.
maybe I was wrong all along..

My thoughts were so tormented,
I was so tormented and haunted,
I felt pulled toward you, but I didn't know
if this was okay to pursue this,
I mean I could've been wrong about all of this,
so I kept my distance through writing.

When I started to write poems, they were meant to encourage you,
I didn't think they would get any farther than that.
Then it started getting personal for me,
and I started getting more involved and it affected my
emotions and my heart.

I started to take things personally.
I got angry because I didn't understand why it
was happening to me,
I wanted to face it but if you weren't acknowledging this then
this was all just in my head.

I'm so pathetic and crazy.
I thought the dreams and feelings meant
that there was something between us,
and that you were trying to talk to me.
So, I made up a fake relationship between us.

I was angry, I couldn't see you,
and you weren't there to tell me the difference..
what is you and what is not you.
so a lot of demonic torment and other forces came into
harass my mind and my body,
It was a lot of torture and torment,
I thought it was you doing this to me,
something was doing this to me,
something was raping me, that I couldn't see.
I was tormented by negative thoughts constantly,
saying he's with another woman and using me,
or that he's married, or that he thinks nothing of me.
I didn't know how to stop any of it.

so I blamed you for all of it,
I said you did all of it, including the physical abuse,
which you didn't. How could I know if I couldn't see...

Most of it was demonic attack.
I can't tell the difference...
It's not your fault..

I needed clarity from the confusion.

It's why I pushed you away,
I cut you off from my life,
I didn't mean to hurt you,
I didn't mean to abandoned you.

The reason I stopped writing wasn't that I was giving up on you,
it was because I could be slandering an innocent person,
I could be so wrong about all of this..

I knew that I needed to take a step back.

I wanted to see you,
I do love you.
I feel bad every time an opportunity would arise.
I'm sorry that I hurt you, and for all the things I said.

Although this is going to be hard for me to do,
because I like talking to you, it's kind of an addiction.
I know I need to maintain self control.
Which is going to take a lot of prayer and time with God.

I'm going to do my best to stop writing,
but to let those who like to rub my pain in know,
I have kind of a short temper,
I will try to ignore any trolls. Which will be tough.
I always get so defensive all the time..
I will try to shut up and be silent, and leave you alone.

I'm sorry I put you through the pain I put you through...

**CC'ers please do not reply to this, please refrain and be respectful and leave this be, this is not for you or your entertainment**​

You came to me first
by me

You're the one living in a world a lies.
I never made you what you are,
you sold your soul to the devil,
your mind became his playground,
and the rest is history.

I'm not taking the fall
for every one of your mistakes.
You need to take accountability for them
yourself.

You called me a liar.
Are you denying everything you said,
that you don't love me,
and that you never wanted to be with me?

You came to me first..
You are the one coming around all the time.

I'm not playing games,
I end things because you won't be with me,
you can't even talk to me,
you can't even be yourself around me.
That is how bad things are..

You wanted me to play along
like there was nothing wrong with
the situation..
There is definitely something wrong with it,
and you know it.

When I do try to love you back
you call me a liar.


​

Willoughby
by me

"Did he tell you that he loved you?
Yes... No...
Never absolutely.
It was everyday implied but never declared.
Sometimes I thought it had been but it never was.
He has broken no vow."

I had dream years ago,
that we were walking together,
and suddenly I boldly started talking about Christ,
and you became distraught, and tried to cover my
mouth with your hand.

This isn't the first time you have humiliated me,
you have constantly denied me before the world,
and you called me a liar more than once,
When I boldly declare my heart and give in to you,
you run and bury your head in the sand,
you threaten to have me silenced if I continued,
Why not have them curse my heart so it stops beating.
That is the only way you can keep me silent.

This way you have no more access to me,
and you can live out your life without consequence,
but without me.
It is the only way, because i don't
want to live like this,
I am trying so hard, in this constant torment,
and you crush my heart every time,
you kick and mock and then,

If you cared so much about your status,
and your own life,
then why bother me?
Did you think that I would be a push over,
and I would say nothing?

You have the audacity to claim
that I was the one to play around with your heart,
when I blocked you from getting any comforting love from me..
but you are are the one who is ashamed, and afraid.

You should have left me alone when I told you to...

If you loved me so much...
and your heart was ever broken,
How could you do this to me?

Just leave me alone,
find no comfort with me.

[video=youtube;ZN2nb8YePeA]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZN2nb8YePeA[/video]

​

[video=youtube;6kXJdshVNq0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kXJdshVNq0[/video]

Just Between You and Me
lyrics by DC Talk

Sorrow is a lonely feeling​

I shouldn't have said
the cruel thing I said about
asking for my heart to stop,
and other cruel things that might have hurt you.
I was angry at what you said.

I'm not sure if what happens is because
you need me,
but if you do,
I really do need you too..

I don't know how to do this,
I don't know how to love you the way
that you want to be loved..
All I know is that I do.

I don't care about the pain,
I don't care about what you did or didn't do.
It doesn't matter, because I love you.
I forgive you,
because you mean something to me.

I'm really not trying to mess with your heart,
I don't want to...that's why I try to let you go.
I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable,
I don't want to say things that will hurt you,
I'm sorry..

I was confused, hurt and angry.
Most of the time I'm just in the dark.
I'll do my best to practice silence for awhile.
I know I say a lot of things, but I am trying..


​

[video=youtube;reWLIs51e2Y]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reWLIs51e2Y[/video]

This Is What Love Feels Like
Lyrics by TobyMac Feat. DC Talk

I am tired, I am drained
But the fight in me remains
I am weary, I am worn
Like I've never been before

This is harder than I thought
Harder than I thought it'd be
Harder than I thought
Takin' every part of me
Harder than I thought
So much harder than I thought it'd be
But empty's never felt so full

This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like

Poured out, used up, still givin'
Stretching me out to the end of my limits
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what real love
Feels like

This is what love feels like
poured out
Used up still willin' to fight for it
This is what love feels like
Yeah, this is what it feels like

Like floating confetti
The beautiful gets messy
When the fallout finds the floor
But in the depths of the trenches
Is the richest of riches
Love is calling us to more

This is harder than I thought
Harder than I thought it'd be
Harder than I thought
Takin' every part of me
Harder than I thought
So much harder than I thought it'd be
But empty's never felt so full

This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like

This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like

Poured out, used up, still givin'
Stretching me out to the end of my limits

This is what love (this is what love)
This is what real love
Feels like

This is what love feels like poured out
Used up still willin’ to fight for it
This is what love feels like
Yeah, this is what it feels like

And now these three remain
Faith, hope and love
But the greatest of these is love

It's worth everything you put in
Everything you put in
It's worth everything you put in
Everything you put in
Everything you put in
Everything you put in
It's worth everything you put in
Love
This is what it feels like

Poured out, used up, still givin'
Stretching me out to the end of my limits

This is what love feels like
This is what love
This is what love (feels like)
Poured out, used up, still givin'
Poured out, used up, still givin'
Poured out, used up, still givin'
Stretching me out to the end of my limits
​

[video=youtube;bv20ZoBcdO8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv20ZoBcdO8[/video]
Luke: I'll never join you!

Vader: If you only knew the power of the darkside...


(I favor Luke's decision.. lol
I will just say no to the darkside and its cookies...) ​

You're not Jesus
by me

I love you, I'm in love with you,
but it doesn't matter
what I say, because you don't believe me,
you just call me a liar

because I've made mistakes, and you
expect me to love you the way God does,
but I can't, I make mistakes, just like you.
You just refuse to forgive me, for
being like everyone else.

You will NEVER take Christ's place
in my life, because you're not Jesus,
you will never be him to me.
You can't love me the way he does,
perfectly, and you will never be God to me.

If that means I lose you to someone else
who is willing to sell out their faith,
then I will lose you to someone else,
as painful as that is to me,
because I don't want to lose you..
but I will.

I mean I do need a boyfriend, husband or whatever,
but they have to come second after God,
that doesn't make the boyfriend or husband less important,
or loved less.

So, here I let you go, and I set you free.
​

Whatever this is that you are doing
it is not for me...
You are doing all of it for yourself.

Why is wanting the simple things,
like dating, a relationship
asking for more or too much?

Sure, you have given a lot of yourself, I will admit,
but you have also taken a lot from me, and you
need to know that I also gave a lot of myself too.

I'm not making you do anything.

​