"Things Were So, So Good!!! And Then They Weren't..." (How to "Know For Sure"?)
Hey Singles!
I want to congratulate all of our recent CC couples here, and hope that God will lead you into a blissful, blessed, and very happy future.
However, something I've been thinking about lately is how some of my relationships started out so, so good... and then... after some time passed... they just weren't so good anymore. In fact, they pretty much became train wrecks in action, and I have been thinking about how long it took for this turn of events to occur, and what that means for a future relationship, if God has one for me. In the past, I clung on to the good, ignoring the bad or the practical, and I've been thinking about what it took for me to actually admit that things were not going to work. Again, I am only speaking for myself, so please, don't think I'm trying to dampen anyone's happy thoughts. This is just my own way of being real with myself.
Reading others' happy declarations of love for each other reminds me of how deeply in love I have been in the past, and how deep the pain cuts when that love is lost (when my ex-husband left, I've often said he took my soul with him, and that it feels like I've spent all these years trying to grow a new one.) I think about how wonderful it would be to have that feeling of being in love again. But, I ask myself, how long would it take before I would actually feel confident that "this was it"? In my relationships, the other person would talk about getting married fairly early on (within a month, in one case), and time has taught me to be more cautious about forming deep-rooted declarations of love so quickly. I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same way?
Two particular instances stand out to me: a boyfriend who was a wonderful person... but over time, cracks in our relationship started to come out, and one of the final straws was when a particular situation came up in which my parents said "yes", but one of his parents said "no", and that if we went against their wishes, they would refuse to help my boyfriend with something they had previously agreed to help with.
Please note, I have never asked a boyfriend or his family for anything, except maybe advice. Any guy I've ever loved was very poor and I always wound up helping him with his bills. The help being offered was directly for my boyfriend, not me, and because he still lived at home, he was still dependent on them. Because he needed their help, we went with their wishes instead, though we really didn't want to.
What bothered me wasn't being told "no"--I could respect that, and their reasons why. Rather, the fatal blow for me was having it come out in the form of a threat, and something monetary at that. My own family has never manipulated me in such a way, so marrying into a family that does so would have been, for me, hell on earth. (Some would say I could have waited until he was old enough to stand up to his family--I was with him four years and he never did. Last I heard, he's been living with them at their home for the past decade, so I doubt the day ever came that he stood up to them.) I didn't need anything from his family, and I would never willingly choose to put myself into a situation in which someone believed they had a right to try to threaten or manipulate me in any way, even if they believed it was for my own good.
Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't marry this person when he wanted me to. However, as I said, it took four years of earnest trying and "working at it" before I finally admitted that it was in over my heart.
As for the the person I eventually did marry... We had been together about 3 years and finally "tied the knot". I admire people who say they would never get a divorce. I never wanted one either or thought it would happen to me either, believe me. I was madly in love with this person and looked forward to being with him forever. One of the parts of blending your lives together also means blending your finances... We had decided that since my parents had me on a budget even before I was old enough to work (out of any money we received on Christmas or birthdays, even if it was $10, 10% went to God and half had to be put into our savings account), I would be in charge of making sure the bills were paid, etc. He had told me he had no debts and had a certain amount in his bank account.
AGAIN, I was not interested in some sort of financial "gain". I knew we were going to be poor for a long time, and I have NEVER asked any man for money, as my father took me out looking for a job even before I could drive. I have always been taught to earn what I need, not ask someone else to give it to me. However, any married couple will tell you that blending finances can make or break a marriage. The significance of what we each brought to the table in our finances was that I had to be able to plan our budget and how we would pay our bills. If you're going to do that, you need to know exactly what bills there are, how much debt you have, and exactly what you're going to have to work with in order to pay those bills.
Long story short--the very day after we got married, I thought I'd surprise my new husband by cleaning out his car for him. Needless to say, in the process... I started finding bills and receipts, and they in no way resembled what he had told me. I was trying to develop a workable budget thinking we owed only X and had a combined total of Y to start paying it off with. It turns out, he had nothing in any of his accounts and owed over $10,000 worth of credit card debt. He NEVER told me, and apparently, didn't have any intention of telling me, because I would have never known if I hadn't found those receipts. To this day I don't know if he lied because he really wanted to marry me and was afraid I wouldn't marry him if I'd known, or if he really didn't want to marry me but felt it was too late and he was in over his head. This was not a way to start off your new marriage... literally, the day after you've said, "I do." It's NOT the lack of money that broke my heart--it's the fact that he could look straight at me and lie to me as if it were nothing--for years.
And, something else I didn't know about him, even after nearly 3 years of being together--he used spending as therapy, so even after we did get those debts paid off... he simply opened more credit cards and charged up an even larger amount, again, all without telling me. I only found out when I started receiving the bills in the mail. I was raised to NEVER charge something unless you can pay for it at the end of the month (though I know sometimes there are unforeseen emergencies), but what I really couldn't handle was the lies and deception. I never knew what was around the corner. As you can tell, I'm a very open person and I absolutely cannot stand lies and hidden agendas.
However, we didn't officially part ways because of money. I wasn't even willing to give up on staying together when he (by his own choice) moved to the guest room and stopped talking to me for over 6 months. Finally, one day he moved out without telling me while I was at work, and had the divorce notification papers sent to me in the mail a few weeks later. I had no idea what he had been planning and I wanted more than anything for him to stay.
Months later months after I had moved out of the area (this was after 6 of waiting, hoping he'd change his mind), my friends saw him with another girl whom we had worked with, and they eventually publically "came out" to our former co-workers as a couple.
Again, it took years for these things to come out. And, if I were ever to marry again... We're both bringing our official credit reports and bank account statements to the table to figure out our budget together long BEFORE the wedding. (Remember, when you marry someone, you are also marrying their debt, be it a mortgage, car payments, student loans, medical bills, etc.) I'm not saying this to be materialistic, but rather, REAListic. (Money issues are the number one cause of divorce, Christian and non-Christian.) As for my first example, I would also not marry until we were familiar (and hopefully comfortable) with each others' families. My family is very accepting and the only person they wouldn't like is someone who was abusive to me. If I were marrying someone with children, I couldn't marry him unless I knew in my heart that his children approved of me or I'd feel like I was tearing a family apart instead of creating a unity.
And so, I wonder... how many years would I need to be with someone in order to sort these things out and feel comfortable with the thought of marrying? (He might feel the same about me and my family as well.) Which of course, is yet another reason why I'm still single. Unless God performs a true miracle in my heart, anyone who wants to get married ASAP would be sorely disappointed in me because I would want to see how our lives and families blended for some time--meaning, at least a few years (although I do believe God could nudge me to make an exception... but He would have to downright shove me off a cliff first.)
What about the rest of you, my highly valued Single Peers?
1. What about your relationship(s) in the past was (were) so, so good? Did you stay longer than you should have because of what seemed so good?
2. What was it that eventually turned so bad that you knew it was over, and how long did it take you to realize it wasn't going to work? Were there red flags from the beginning, or it did it come over time?
3. If given the opportunity to be in another relationship, would you just go with the flow or would you be cautious, believing it would take a bit of time to commit to the next level based on past experience? How long do you estimate it would be before you would feel comfortable, especially with engagement and marriage?
4. You've been kind enough to read this far—let's take the realism one step further, if I may. I know that many Christian couples marry within a short period of meeting/dating/courting because of sexual temptation. I am certainly not projecting this onto anyone else or accusing anyone of struggling with this— but from what I know, most Christina couples find this to be a very real and important concern.
Is it realistic to delay sexual contact while maintaining a very serious relationship for several years in order to work out these kinds of issues first? Or do you feel it's best to try to "hurry through" your issues and marry as soon as possible?
I know many Christians will give the age-old advice of, "Just trust God," and of course we are to trust God, but trusting and actually applying that trust can sometimes seem worlds apart.
I am interested in seeing how you feel about putting what be believe along with with what we have experienced or observed into practice.
Hey Singles!
I want to congratulate all of our recent CC couples here, and hope that God will lead you into a blissful, blessed, and very happy future.
However, something I've been thinking about lately is how some of my relationships started out so, so good... and then... after some time passed... they just weren't so good anymore. In fact, they pretty much became train wrecks in action, and I have been thinking about how long it took for this turn of events to occur, and what that means for a future relationship, if God has one for me. In the past, I clung on to the good, ignoring the bad or the practical, and I've been thinking about what it took for me to actually admit that things were not going to work. Again, I am only speaking for myself, so please, don't think I'm trying to dampen anyone's happy thoughts. This is just my own way of being real with myself.
Reading others' happy declarations of love for each other reminds me of how deeply in love I have been in the past, and how deep the pain cuts when that love is lost (when my ex-husband left, I've often said he took my soul with him, and that it feels like I've spent all these years trying to grow a new one.) I think about how wonderful it would be to have that feeling of being in love again. But, I ask myself, how long would it take before I would actually feel confident that "this was it"? In my relationships, the other person would talk about getting married fairly early on (within a month, in one case), and time has taught me to be more cautious about forming deep-rooted declarations of love so quickly. I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same way?
Two particular instances stand out to me: a boyfriend who was a wonderful person... but over time, cracks in our relationship started to come out, and one of the final straws was when a particular situation came up in which my parents said "yes", but one of his parents said "no", and that if we went against their wishes, they would refuse to help my boyfriend with something they had previously agreed to help with.
Please note, I have never asked a boyfriend or his family for anything, except maybe advice. Any guy I've ever loved was very poor and I always wound up helping him with his bills. The help being offered was directly for my boyfriend, not me, and because he still lived at home, he was still dependent on them. Because he needed their help, we went with their wishes instead, though we really didn't want to.
What bothered me wasn't being told "no"--I could respect that, and their reasons why. Rather, the fatal blow for me was having it come out in the form of a threat, and something monetary at that. My own family has never manipulated me in such a way, so marrying into a family that does so would have been, for me, hell on earth. (Some would say I could have waited until he was old enough to stand up to his family--I was with him four years and he never did. Last I heard, he's been living with them at their home for the past decade, so I doubt the day ever came that he stood up to them.) I didn't need anything from his family, and I would never willingly choose to put myself into a situation in which someone believed they had a right to try to threaten or manipulate me in any way, even if they believed it was for my own good.
Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't marry this person when he wanted me to. However, as I said, it took four years of earnest trying and "working at it" before I finally admitted that it was in over my heart.
As for the the person I eventually did marry... We had been together about 3 years and finally "tied the knot". I admire people who say they would never get a divorce. I never wanted one either or thought it would happen to me either, believe me. I was madly in love with this person and looked forward to being with him forever. One of the parts of blending your lives together also means blending your finances... We had decided that since my parents had me on a budget even before I was old enough to work (out of any money we received on Christmas or birthdays, even if it was $10, 10% went to God and half had to be put into our savings account), I would be in charge of making sure the bills were paid, etc. He had told me he had no debts and had a certain amount in his bank account.
AGAIN, I was not interested in some sort of financial "gain". I knew we were going to be poor for a long time, and I have NEVER asked any man for money, as my father took me out looking for a job even before I could drive. I have always been taught to earn what I need, not ask someone else to give it to me. However, any married couple will tell you that blending finances can make or break a marriage. The significance of what we each brought to the table in our finances was that I had to be able to plan our budget and how we would pay our bills. If you're going to do that, you need to know exactly what bills there are, how much debt you have, and exactly what you're going to have to work with in order to pay those bills.
Long story short--the very day after we got married, I thought I'd surprise my new husband by cleaning out his car for him. Needless to say, in the process... I started finding bills and receipts, and they in no way resembled what he had told me. I was trying to develop a workable budget thinking we owed only X and had a combined total of Y to start paying it off with. It turns out, he had nothing in any of his accounts and owed over $10,000 worth of credit card debt. He NEVER told me, and apparently, didn't have any intention of telling me, because I would have never known if I hadn't found those receipts. To this day I don't know if he lied because he really wanted to marry me and was afraid I wouldn't marry him if I'd known, or if he really didn't want to marry me but felt it was too late and he was in over his head. This was not a way to start off your new marriage... literally, the day after you've said, "I do." It's NOT the lack of money that broke my heart--it's the fact that he could look straight at me and lie to me as if it were nothing--for years.
And, something else I didn't know about him, even after nearly 3 years of being together--he used spending as therapy, so even after we did get those debts paid off... he simply opened more credit cards and charged up an even larger amount, again, all without telling me. I only found out when I started receiving the bills in the mail. I was raised to NEVER charge something unless you can pay for it at the end of the month (though I know sometimes there are unforeseen emergencies), but what I really couldn't handle was the lies and deception. I never knew what was around the corner. As you can tell, I'm a very open person and I absolutely cannot stand lies and hidden agendas.
However, we didn't officially part ways because of money. I wasn't even willing to give up on staying together when he (by his own choice) moved to the guest room and stopped talking to me for over 6 months. Finally, one day he moved out without telling me while I was at work, and had the divorce notification papers sent to me in the mail a few weeks later. I had no idea what he had been planning and I wanted more than anything for him to stay.
Months later months after I had moved out of the area (this was after 6 of waiting, hoping he'd change his mind), my friends saw him with another girl whom we had worked with, and they eventually publically "came out" to our former co-workers as a couple.
Again, it took years for these things to come out. And, if I were ever to marry again... We're both bringing our official credit reports and bank account statements to the table to figure out our budget together long BEFORE the wedding. (Remember, when you marry someone, you are also marrying their debt, be it a mortgage, car payments, student loans, medical bills, etc.) I'm not saying this to be materialistic, but rather, REAListic. (Money issues are the number one cause of divorce, Christian and non-Christian.) As for my first example, I would also not marry until we were familiar (and hopefully comfortable) with each others' families. My family is very accepting and the only person they wouldn't like is someone who was abusive to me. If I were marrying someone with children, I couldn't marry him unless I knew in my heart that his children approved of me or I'd feel like I was tearing a family apart instead of creating a unity.
And so, I wonder... how many years would I need to be with someone in order to sort these things out and feel comfortable with the thought of marrying? (He might feel the same about me and my family as well.) Which of course, is yet another reason why I'm still single. Unless God performs a true miracle in my heart, anyone who wants to get married ASAP would be sorely disappointed in me because I would want to see how our lives and families blended for some time--meaning, at least a few years (although I do believe God could nudge me to make an exception... but He would have to downright shove me off a cliff first.)
What about the rest of you, my highly valued Single Peers?
1. What about your relationship(s) in the past was (were) so, so good? Did you stay longer than you should have because of what seemed so good?
2. What was it that eventually turned so bad that you knew it was over, and how long did it take you to realize it wasn't going to work? Were there red flags from the beginning, or it did it come over time?
3. If given the opportunity to be in another relationship, would you just go with the flow or would you be cautious, believing it would take a bit of time to commit to the next level based on past experience? How long do you estimate it would be before you would feel comfortable, especially with engagement and marriage?
4. You've been kind enough to read this far—let's take the realism one step further, if I may. I know that many Christian couples marry within a short period of meeting/dating/courting because of sexual temptation. I am certainly not projecting this onto anyone else or accusing anyone of struggling with this— but from what I know, most Christina couples find this to be a very real and important concern.
Is it realistic to delay sexual contact while maintaining a very serious relationship for several years in order to work out these kinds of issues first? Or do you feel it's best to try to "hurry through" your issues and marry as soon as possible?
I know many Christians will give the age-old advice of, "Just trust God," and of course we are to trust God, but trusting and actually applying that trust can sometimes seem worlds apart.
I am interested in seeing how you feel about putting what be believe along with with what we have experienced or observed into practice.
