Would You Sin More as a Single Person or as Married Person? (And Which Is Worse?)

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I've been wanting to write this thread for a long time, but have been trying to organize my thoughts, so... here goes.

So the obvious questions I'm asking are: Do you believe you'll sin more as a single person or as a married person? Which is worse? Therefore, which should you choose?

Yes, I realize this sounds terribly pessimistic but for me personally, I've found that this is what it boils down to. (Braces herself for a good old-fashioned Christian stoning.)

Let me explain to you what I mean: as a single, we all face struggles and temptations (lust always seems to rank pretty high up there on the list for most of us.) What other temptations and sins do you fall to as a single? For myself, unGodly anger, discontentment, loneliness, bitter envy, and suicidal thoughts are some of my biggest struggles at times.

But guess what? From my own experience, I felt all those things in when I was married/in relationships as well. I had all the same issues, temptations, and sinful behaviors I committed as a single, just in a different form when I was married. (For everyone who thinks all lust and sexual temptations are "cured" in marriage--they're not. Married people who feel that they are, you are more than welcome to correct me.) I think what many single people don't realize is that you'll face times in marriage where sex doesn't happen (because of illness, pregnancy, stress at work, etc.), and this time, your only hope of an option is your marriage partner, so if your spouse doesn't want to or can't have sex, guess what. You're back to square one--not having sex and wishing you could, but you can't. And this time, your situation is permanent.

One of the things that scares me about marriage is that life is so variable and marriage is set in stone. I love the idea of a lifelong, loving commitment. But I am terrified of the fact that if things were to get so bad that I am thinking of killing myself every day (as I did in my former marriage), it doesn't matter because as a Christian, you stay no matter what.

I was expressing my fear of getting married to a non-Christian co-worker once and she said, "Oh honey, it's ok. It may take a few tries to find the right person, and if you make a few mistakes, that's all right. My mother-in-law went through 3 marriages before she finally found the right person" (and they've been married now for something like 25 years.)

To be honest, I couldn't even answer because her reply made me shake inside. I went home... and I cried my eyes out. I wanted to explain to her, "NO, NO, I absolutely CANNOT make mistakes or accidentally choose the wrong person or get a other chances BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIAN, and marriage is something that can NEVER be broken for ANY reason."

When I have a day off, one of my guilty pleasures is turning on the Investigation Discovery channel for several hours. I have a particular fascination with cases in which people who strongly identify themselves as Christians are involved. For example, I have recently watched several cases in which pastors have killed their own wives (making it look like an accident or suicide, of course) because they wanted to be with another woman.

Don't get me wrong, this kind of action is deplorable. But, being a lifelong Christian, you can also see their reasoning: "If my wife dies, I'm free to do whatever I want and be with whomever I want. But if I get a divorce... my career and life are over. Therefore, I'm going to have to make it look as if she died..."

There is a part of me that totally understands this reasoning, even though it is completely wrong. But in my experience, the church, and most especially other Christians, are much happier to see you dead (or that your spouse has died) rather than divorced. I've actually known people who have told people their spouse died rather than admit to being divorced because of the backlash they've received.

The conclusion for myself is, I don't have confidence in myself at this point that I can stay in a marriage forever, as I've seen too many horrible things happen within marriages beyond the couple's control that I'm not sure how I would handle (death of a child, Alzheimer's in which your spouse no longer knows you and thinks you are a stranger, terminal illness, etc.) I know I would make mistakes and sin as a married person, and one of those sins might even be wanting to leave the marriage if it felt too overwhelming (yes, whether through death or divorce.)

And I know people are going to tell me I need to walk in the faith of God, not fear (see? I'm sinning already.)

Therefore, I know I'm guilty of some kind of sin each and every day.

At this point in my life, I just figure I'm better off sinning as a single person. For now, I handle the temptations of singleness by keeping strict boundaries up and never allowing myself to feel romantic love. (Is it a sin to still hope that someday, I hope I'll meet someone with whom all the walls come down?)

Do you believe you sin as a single? Do you believe you would sin as a married person? Which is worse, the sins of the single or of the married? Knowing this, what choice would you believe is best for you?

The poll is anonymous, and even though the answers are pretty much polarized, you're free to choose whichever ones you identify with.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Hey Everyone,

I've been wanting to write this thread for a long time, but have been trying to organize my thoughts, so... here goes.

So the obvious questions I'm asking are: Do you believe you'll sin more as a single person or as a married person? Which is worse? Therefore, which should you choose?

Yes, I realize this sounds terribly pessimistic but for me personally, I've found that this is what it boils down to. (Braces herself for a good old-fashioned Christian stoning.)

Let me explain to you what I mean: as a single, we all face struggles and temptations (lust always seems to rank pretty high up there on the list for most of us.) What other temptations and sins do you fall to as a single? For myself, unGodly anger, discontentment, loneliness, bitter envy, and suicidal thoughts are some of my biggest struggles at times.

But guess what? From my own experience, I felt all those things in when I was married/in relationships as well. I had all the same issues, temptations, and sinful behaviors I committed as a single, just in a different form when I was married. (For everyone who thinks all lust and sexual temptations are "cured" in marriage--they're not. Married people who feel that they are, you are more than welcome to correct me.) I think what many single people don't realize is that you'll face times in marriage where sex doesn't happen (because of illness, pregnancy, stress at work, etc.), and this time, your only hope of an option is your marriage partner, so if your spouse doesn't want to or can't have sex, guess what. You're back to square one--not having sex and wishing you could, but you can't. And this time, your situation is permanent.

One of the things that scares me about marriage is that life is so variable and marriage is set in stone. I love the idea of a lifelong, loving commitment. But I am terrified of the fact that if things were to get so bad that I am thinking of killing myself every day (as I did in my former marriage), it doesn't matter because as a Christian, you stay no matter what.

I was expressing my fear of getting married to a non-Christian co-worker once and she said, "Oh honey, it's ok. It may take a few tries to find the right person, and if you make a few mistakes, that's all right. My mother-in-law went through 3 marriages before she finally found the right person" (and they've been married now for something like 25 years.)

To be honest, I couldn't even answer because her reply made me shake inside. I went home... and I cried my eyes out. I wanted to explain to her, "NO, NO, I absolutely CANNOT make mistakes or accidentally choose the wrong person or get a other chances BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIAN, and marriage is something that can NEVER be broken for ANY reason."

When I have a day off, one of my guilty pleasures is turning on the Investigation Discovery channel for several hours. I have a particular fascination with cases in which people who strongly identify themselves as Christians are involved. For example, I have recently watched several cases in which pastors have killed their own wives (making it look like an accident or suicide, of course) because they wanted to be with another woman.

Don't get me wrong, this kind of action is deplorable. But, being a lifelong Christian, you can also see their reasoning: "If my wife dies, I'm free to do whatever I want and be with whomever I want. But if I get a divorce... my career and life are over. Therefore, I'm going to have to make it look as if she died..."

There is a part of me that totally understands this reasoning, even though it is completely wrong. But in my experience, the church, and most especially other Christians, are much happier to see you dead (or that your spouse has died) rather than divorced. I've actually known people who have told people their spouse died rather than admit to being divorced because of the backlash they've received.

The conclusion for myself is, I don't have confidence in myself at this point that I can stay in a marriage forever, as I've seen too many horrible things happen within marriages beyond the couple's control that I'm not sure how I would handle (death of a child, Alzheimer's in which your spouse no longer knows you and thinks you are a stranger, terminal illness, etc.) I know I would make mistakes and sin as a married person, and one of those sins might even be wanting to leave the marriage if it felt too overwhelming (yes, whether through death or divorce.)

And I know people are going to tell me I need to walk in the faith of God, not fear (see? I'm sinning already.)

Therefore, I know I'm guilty of some kind of sin each and every day.

At this point in my life, I just figure I'm better off sinning as a single person. For now, I handle the temptations of singleness by keeping strict boundaries up and never allowing myself to feel romantic love. (Is it a sin to still hope that someday, I hope I'll meet someone with whom all the walls come down?)

Do you believe you sin as a single? Do you believe you would sin as a married person? Which is worse, the sins of the single or of the married? Knowing this, what choice would you believe is best for you?

The poll is anonymous, and even though the answers are pretty much polarized, you're free to choose whichever ones you identify with.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Uhh, where IS the poll? LOL. Edit: never mind, I found it. It did'nt show up when I first came on this thread. lol

 

[seoulsearch]

Uhh, where IS the poll? LOL.

If you've ever written a poll (please do! I'd love to see more polls here ), the system posts your thread first and then gives you the options of creating a poll, so the thread will be appear without the poll until you've completed writing it.

And, everyone, PLEASE do NOT let the poll be a substitute for posting your own answer. I always write threads as a SUPPLEMENT to an interesting discussion, NEVER as substitute.

Thank you for your participation!

 

[blue_ladybug]

If you've ever written a poll (please do! I'd love to see more polls here ), the system posts your thread first and then gives you the options of creating a poll, so the thread will be appear without the poll until you've completed writing it.

Yeah it showed up after I left the thread and came back.

 

[Trinity33]

I feel sin is sin.... Single or married carries the same weight. We all sin so what makes one worse then the other in God's eyes? I really am not sure if I believe God sees much of a different....thus why he sent his beautiful son Jesus Christ....thank you Lord....

 

[tourist]

Hey Everyone,

I've been wanting to write this thread for a long time, but have been trying to organize my thoughts, so... here goes.

So the obvious questions I'm asking are: Do you believe you'll sin more as a single person or as a married person? Which is worse? Therefore, which should you choose?

Yes, I realize this sounds terribly pessimistic but for me personally, I've found that this is what it boils down to. (Braces herself for a good old-fashioned Christian stoning.)

Let me explain to you what I mean: as a single, we all face struggles and temptations (lust always seems to rank pretty high up there on the list for most of us.) What other temptations and sins do you fall to as a single? For myself, unGodly anger, discontentment, loneliness, bitter envy, and suicidal thoughts are some of my biggest struggles at times.

But guess what? From my own experience, I felt all those things in when I was married/in relationships as well. I had all the same issues, temptations, and sinful behaviors I committed as a single, just in a different form when I was married. (For everyone who thinks all lust and sexual temptations are "cured" in marriage--they're not. Married people who feel that they are, you are more than welcome to correct me.) I think what many single people don't realize is that you'll face times in marriage where sex doesn't happen (because of illness, pregnancy, stress at work, etc.), and this time, your only hope of an option is your marriage partner, so if your spouse doesn't want to or can't have sex, guess what. You're back to square one--not having sex and wishing you could, but you can't. And this time, your situation is permanent.

One of the things that scares me about marriage is that life is so variable and marriage is set in stone. I love the idea of a lifelong, loving commitment. But I am terrified of the fact that if things were to get so bad that I am thinking of killing myself every day (as I did in my former marriage), it doesn't matter because as a Christian, you stay no matter what.

I was expressing my fear of getting married to a non-Christian co-worker once and she said, "Oh honey, it's ok. It may take a few tries to find the right person, and if you make a few mistakes, that's all right. My mother-in-law went through 3 marriages before she finally found the right person" (and they've been married now for something like 25 years.)

To be honest, I couldn't even answer because her reply made me shake inside. I went home... and I cried my eyes out. I wanted to explain to her, "NO, NO, I absolutely CANNOT make mistakes or accidentally choose the wrong person or get a other chances BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIAN, and marriage is something that can NEVER be broken for ANY reason."

When I have a day off, one of my guilty pleasures is turning on the Investigation Discovery channel for several hours. I have a particular fascination with cases in which people who strongly identify themselves as Christians are involved. For example, I have recently watched several cases in which pastors have killed their own wives (making it look like an accident or suicide, of course) because they wanted to be with another woman.

Don't get me wrong, this kind of action is deplorable. But, being a lifelong Christian, you can also see their reasoning: "If my wife dies, I'm free to do whatever I want and be with whomever I want. But if I get a divorce... my career and life are over. Therefore, I'm going to have to make it look as if she died..."

There is a part of me that totally understands this reasoning, even though it is completely wrong. But in my experience, the church, and most especially other Christians, are much happier to see you dead (or that your spouse has died) rather than divorced. I've actually known people who have told people their spouse died rather than admit to being divorced because of the backlash they've received.

The conclusion for myself is, I don't have confidence in myself at this point that I can stay in a marriage forever, as I've seen too many horrible things happen within marriages beyond the couple's control that I'm not sure how I would handle (death of a child, Alzheimer's in which your spouse no longer knows you and thinks you are a stranger, terminal illness, etc.) I know I would make mistakes and sin as a married person, and one of those sins might even be wanting to leave the marriage if it felt too overwhelming (yes, whether through death or divorce.)

And I know people are going to tell me I need to walk in the faith of God, not fear (see? I'm sinning already.)

Therefore, I know I'm guilty of some kind of sin each and every day.

At this point in my life, I just figure I'm better off sinning as a single person. For now, I handle the temptations of singleness by keeping strict boundaries up and never allowing myself to feel romantic love. (Is it a sin to still hope that someday, I hope I'll meet someone with whom all the walls come down?)

Do you believe you sin as a single? Do you believe you would sin as a married person? Which is worse, the sins of the single or of the married? Knowing this, what choice would you believe is best for you?

The poll is anonymous, and even though the answers are pretty much polarized, you're free to choose whichever ones you identify with.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

I believe that you would be less inclined to sin in a married relationship as you are now accountable to your spouse and to God. The marriage must be centered on God or much unhappiness and strife will occur. I understand full well about not having sex part because of my late wife's declining health. That was never an issue for me because of the love that I had in my heart for my wife. Making love is an expression of love but there are many ways to express love that are more important. Marriage does not solve problems but now you have a loving spouse and you do not have to face the challenges of life and living for God alone anymore. It is better to have loved and lost than never to know what true love is. True love is enduring and you will never lose regardless of what may happen because it is an expression of God's love that He has for those that He loves.

 

[Crimson_Lark]

My fight is daily and I do know that it's my own rottenness that impedes my growth the most.

If I'm joined by a soul who corrupts or a soul who builds there is no guarantee that he won't change tomorrow. So I guess my answer is I honestly don't know....

Quick! Gorgeous, hilarious, Godly man of character marry me so I can find out!

 

[seoulsearch]

I believe that you would be less inclined to sin in a married relationship as you are now accountable to your spouse and to God. The marriage must be centered on God or much unhappiness and strife will occur. I understand full well about not having sex part because of my late wife's declining health. That was never an issue for me because of the love that I had in my heart for my wife. Making love is an expression of love but there are many ways to express love that are more important. Marriage does not solve problems but now you have a loving spouse and you do not have to face the challenges of life and living for God alone anymore. It is better to have loved and lost than never to know what true love is. True love is enduring and you will never lose regardless of what may happen because it is an expression of God's love that He has for those that He loves.

Tourist,

Thank you for this wonderful post. The Singles Forum is going through a very exciting time watching love bloom for so many couples here on CC!

I debate on whether or not it's better to have "loved and lost than to never love" because my great love was my then-husband, and fearing that this was the best and only "true" time in my life regarding romantic love is truly unnerving.

But something I consider to be extra special is watching couples like you and JL, Banana and AK, etc. because you all have more life experience and wisdom than I do.

Christian circles often make you feel as if all hope is lost if you're not married by age 22, and so watching love in action for a wiser, more experienced generation gives someone like me great hope.

It tells me that life doesn't end even if you're 25 (and above) and single.

More importantly, it tells me that there is still hope in the future. Maybe I'm not ready to get married right now. But maybe God has something great planned for me in 10, 20, or even 30 years.

Thanks to all of you who are demonstrating that God has plans for us... THROUGHOUT our lives... and not just when we're 20.

 

[sassylady]

Sins in marriage affect both husband and wife.

 

[Lynx]

I've never been married - shoot I've never been on a date, at least not yet - but I'm a firm believer in learing from the mistakes of others, so I have observed others all my life. In my observations getting married doesn't change a person. If you are discontent with your life as a single person you will not magically be made content with life by getting married. If you have a nasty habit (picking your nose for example) it will not change when you get married. And if you get drunk on Friday night or watch porn or something, it will not change when you get married.

Getting married just means you have a much better chance of getting caught.

From what I have observed, if you know of something you need to fix in your life you should start working on it now. Change your spending habits now, break that sin now, stop that gross habit now. It's not going to fix itself because you got married and you're not going to be stronger and fix it easier when you are married.

Mind you, this is just what I have observed from others. The standard disclaimers apply.

 

[zeroturbulence]

My fight is daily and I do know that it's my own rottenness that impedes my growth the most.

If I'm joined by a soul who corrupts or a soul who builds there is no guarantee that he won't change tomorrow. So I guess my answer is I honestly don't know....

Quick! Gorgeous, hilarious, Godly man of character marry me so I can find out!

Hi Crimson! Its nice to see you here.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I'd probably sin more if i was married. Just because life would be more complicated... and I'd have in-laws to deal with.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

This is a very interesting topic to discuss - thanks for bringing it up Seoul! I don't know that I sinned more when I was married, but I WAS more aware of my sins. I feel like more is expected of a married person, and it's harder to measure up.

Co-parenting, co-habitating and maintaining a marriage take lots of work. You have to be selfless, thoughtful, hard-working, frugal, mutually submissive, open, forgiving, vulnerable, patient, loving... the list goes on forever. These are things we all need to do and be regardless of marriage, but for married people they are demanded at all times, 24/7, in-your-face, and obvious. You can't retreat into yourself and just coast for a while. They require constancy. So, more room for failure in any of these areas, and thus, more opportunities to slip up and sin.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

"I choose to stay single because I'm afraid of the sins I'd commit as a married person."

Ouch. I'd better tuck that one away to think about later.

 

[seoulsearch]

^^^

Excellent points, Grace, thank you so much for sharing.

You've put into words the feelings I've struggled with not knowing how to express or explain. To an extent, Christian marriage requires perfection on an entirely new level, and an entire slew of harsh condemnation if you should fail in any area.

Being a very imperfect person, I am terrified of the perfection that the Christian community expects in marriage. There is no room, mercy, or grace for failure.

At the same time, the Christian community also makes it feel as if you've failed for not getting married.

But if I have to choose the lesser of two evils, for now I'd rather face the pressure of trying to be perfect as a single rather than trying to be perfect as a wife and mother.

P.S. "You must spread some rep around before giving it to Grace again..." Yada yada yada. And so the story goes.

 

[cinder]

Well I don't believe in good old fashioned stonings so how about a new fashioned marshmallowing. Just kidding. I'm sure that as long as we are talking about people both the single and the married ones will sin. I'm not entirely sure that we have a good enough concept of sin to always be aware of when we are sinning and when we aren't (e.g.: what is the point where attraction to someone else becomes lust or where struggling with submitting to the will of God and being content in it becomes disobedience or rebellion) When both Jesus and Paul are on record as praying for God to do things another way (Jesus in the garden and Paul with his thorn in the flesh), I'm not sure we should automatically assume that just because we aren't all excited about what God is doing in our lives that we are sinning.

As far as awareness of sin, I think being married would make me more aware of sin. Partially because I'd want a spouse who loves me enough to get in my face when I'm wrong, but also because I'd be living day in and day out with how my actions affected someone else. Someone would be close enough to me to know things weren't right and I'd probably have a more difficult time fooling myself and everyone else because he'd pick up on it.

As far as the sinning and screwing up goes, one of the sad and rather double minded things about the modern christian church is that we simultaneously believe that God commands us to be perfect, but that we can never do it. Growing up in the church this attitude made me feel perpetually defeated. I'm starting to think of God's commands, not as a list of rules that God arbitrarily imposes so that he has a right to be angry with us, but more like parents telling their toddler not to put their hands up on the stove or play with the stove. He's trying to keep us from being harmed in a world where we have an enemy and there are things that can harm and destroy us. And like a kid who doesn't listen and burns his hand on the stove, God is more interested in bringing healing and restoring things than he is in dishing out punishment just to punish us.

 

[Lynx]

seoulsearch: Who's saying you failed if you didn't get married? All I know is my church, but I haven't seen that there. Maybe your church is different, or maybe it's your region.

cinder: That's EXACTLY right! Most outsiders, e.g. non-christians view holiness standards as a list of rules. But God made those rules for a reason - everything He said don't do is bad for you, and everything He said do is good for you and those around you. Even if you're not a christian you will still live a better life if you follow those guidelines. In some ways the Bible can be seen as a user manual for life, warning you about things you might enjoy, but will hurt you, and giving helpful hints about some things you might not naturally want to do that would help you. Five points for cinder for perspicacity.

 

[seoulsearch]

Lynx,

While I do feel blessed to have had many wonderful connections in church, I have also been a part of many groups in which you were definitely excluded (not necessarily on purpose--people would just avoid you because they felt they had nothing in common with you) and talked down to as a single, most especially if you did not have children, because people assumed you lived a carefree (and sometimes, somewhat wild) life.

A good example is the church I'm considering joining right now. They have a Bible study group for people over 50... and another for young adults ranging up to age 30. It's like I have a disease and no one has a place for anyone in my category. It's been like that at the past several churches I've been a part of as well (when I say "churches", it's not because of "church hopping" but rather, from having moved around the country.)

I think other singles experience this as well, especially if you are at an age in-between "young adulthood" and "senior citizen."

*Smiles at Cinder*

*Lays out baskets and prepares for a good old-fashioned marshmallowing.*

*Intends to invite Cinder to a bonfire... and all-you-can eat S'mores Fest.*

 

[Lynx]

I'll bring the chocolate for those s'mores. I know of some good dark chocolate - 65% cocoa actually - but the flavor is such that even milk chocolate lovers like it. In fact it's so good that I like it, and that's saying something because 65% cocoa is a bit low for my taste.

 

[seoulsearch]

Lynx

I've been reading your posts about dark chocolate lately and am hoping you'll convert me, as I know dark chocolate is better for you.

I've tried a few brands but always found them to be too bitter...

But a S'more would be a perfect way to coerce me into persistent trying.