Why are certain married people so disrespectful?

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Crimson_Lark

Senior Member
Apr 17, 2012
207
15
18
#1
A bible study I know of, was comprised of a couple married couples and one single woman. The study decided to schedule a weekend retreat. Since many of the married couples had kids they needed a sitter. So without asking the single woman
they 'informed' her she would be staying home from the retreat and taking care of their kids! My friend was completely outraged.

The worst part is I have seen this attitude so many times in the church. Single people get treated like second class citizens and it infuriates me.

Half the time it's stay at home moms who are the culprits! It's like.... let me get this straight, someone who has a full time job and is involved in multiple ministries, in your twisted brain, has more time on her hands and should act like your servant just because she's single? No wonder people leave the church.

One married woman said to me, 'well Tara can do all the prep work for our next church event because she's single.' I wanted to say: 'Tara has a full time job, takes care of her mother and is involved in multiple ministries, how about we treat her with respect and ask first?' But many mean, scathing comments were also brewing in my mind so I kept silent.

What is wrong with certain married people that they are so self absorbed and disrespectful of single people?

The church's lack of respect for single people is appalling.
 
B

Brighthouse

Guest
#2
You know sis, this was made very evident to us kids when my dad passed away,and my mom had to suffer the same fate in her church, those couples who used to ask her to come over to the house ,did not anymore,mom became very bitter, and very upset,it was almost like this had happened to her!( matt 26:56)

She cried many times,and we kids never did understand the reason either. Much later in our lives we found out why. The Church itself fell apart because of it,then when other women began to lose there husbands, then they wished to talk to mom. Being of a strong German back round,you can just imagine, what my mom said to them!! LOL

Mom withdrew from all society,she never wished to leave her house,which was easy for her,because she was always a home body anyway,I talked to her a great deal after finding this out.The point!

She did come around! The problem with her was a great fear of never being accepted by others who were married,and then by anyone else,for fear, leads to doubt of self as well. "I am not good enough to hang with people I guess,and if i do, they will not wish to be with me very long I suppose she would always say!"

To change her mindset of this,my brother and I took her everywhere we went,she did not like this,and would call us bad names,and complain. LOL But in time she snapped out of it,she realized that people who did not wish to be around her,missed a great deal of her love and comfort,something to which i have already seen many times in you sister Crimson! It is not your fault!

And it is not your fate to be made to feel so isolated by others! The mind is a terrible thing to waste upon those who are already wasted by there own mindset themselves! In most cases the reason married couples,are so disrespectful to singles, at least we have found out is because of this reason!

They believe they are in bondage, and seeing a single person,being male or female reminds them of how they wish they could be the same but could never say that because of the other party!LOL Many married couples have regrets,they feel as if the other party has robbed them of much of there life,and blame those who are single rather then themselves or the other party they are married to. LOL

WE, with mom tested this many times.Getting one party, or the other in private and asked them,if you could do it all over again would you still marry? Of about 20 couples we searched out, 15 would not have married! And 18 would never have had children either!! That was even a surprise to me!

When ones is single they wish to be like most others around them,married,but after you marry you find out many wish they were single again!! LOL A no win! However and here is what is really a surprise,those couples who are glad they are married really welcome those who are single! We found out that those who are very happy being married wish to share there joy with those who are not so joyful being single!

They give single people fine words of encouragement like,do not worry, a fine man or woman will come around for you one day,believe me they say, it is worth the wait! Then they look at each other and give each other a short kiss LOL And you see there is still hope!!( rom 15:13)

I sure understand sister Crimson your feeling,and I sure agree with you as to this being appalling,but perhaps you understand more of the why,and can learn in your mindset how to move on.Life is not fair,it never has been,and never will be,but we do not have to be a part of the problem,we can become a solution! We find out who are true friends become,and we learn how a servant can stay one,by always remaining loyal to themselves,and then to others. Blessing sis!
 
A

Aqua_Girl09

Guest
#3
those are people who have poisoned their minds into thinking being single is easier. I does take work to stay married. but that doesn't mean you can run over other people. honestly if the pastor I would talk to the head pastor about this and if he feels the same way or doesn't say anything about it then I'd find another church that caters more to the single person.

My own church has just as many single parents as married and they always ask for help. if no one can then its the pastor's the take on that job. Its good to be open so that there aren't rumors about why someone is upset or why someone left. but if things don't change I don't think you should force yourself to stay where the attitudes of people create such a storm in your heart.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#4
I dunno... I'm single and I have plenty of time on nights and weekends. Not that I'm looking for something to fill it (I got stuff I like to do, mostly music stuff) but if something needs doing I'll probably be able to get around to it.

There is a saying, "If you need something done, don't ask the person who is standing around doing nothing. Find the busiest person in the church and ask him to take care of it. He's the one who knows how to get stuff done and is willing to get it done."

Having said that... don't ask me to do anything on Sundays. My Sundays are pretty full. Fun, but full. :D
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#5
A bible study I know of, was comprised of a couple married couples and one single woman. The study decided to schedule a weekend retreat. Since many of the married couples had kids they needed a sitter. So without asking the single woman
they 'informed' her she would be staying home from the retreat and taking care of their kids! My friend was completely outraged.

The worst part is I have seen this attitude so many times in the church. Single people get treated like second class citizens and it infuriates me.

Half the time it's stay at home moms who are the culprits! It's like.... let me get this straight, someone who has a full time job and is involved in multiple ministries, in your twisted brain, has more time on her hands and should act like your servant just because she's single? No wonder people leave the church.

One married woman said to me, 'well Tara can do all the prep work for our next church event because she's single.' I wanted to say: 'Tara has a full time job, takes care of her mother and is involved in multiple ministries, how about we treat her with respect and ask first?' But many mean, scathing comments were also brewing in my mind so I kept silent.

What is wrong with certain married people that they are so self absorbed and disrespectful of single people?

The church's lack of respect for single people is appalling.
Just hearing about this angers me. That's really inconsiderate of them. They are taking advantage of her singleness. I think she should separate herself from that group immediately. They seem to think that her free time is at their disposal. If someone tried to do that to me I would like to think that I'd reply with, "No. What am I your personal babysitter?"
 
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Mar 22, 2013
4,718
124
63
Indiana
#6
single lady should just say nope, got other things going on. if you want a babysitter go pay for one.
 

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#7
A bible study I know of, was comprised of a couple married couples and one single woman. The study decided to schedule a weekend retreat. Since many of the married couples had kids they needed a sitter. So without asking the single woman
they 'informed' her she would be staying home from the retreat and taking care of their kids! My friend was completely outraged.

The worst part is I have seen this attitude so many times in the church. Single people get treated like second class citizens and it infuriates me.

Half the time it's stay at home moms who are the culprits! It's like.... let me get this straight, someone who has a full time job and is involved in multiple ministries, in your twisted brain, has more time on her hands and should act like your servant just because she's single? No wonder people leave the church.

One married woman said to me, 'well Tara can do all the prep work for our next church event because she's single.' I wanted to say: 'Tara has a full time job, takes care of her mother and is involved in multiple ministries, how about we treat her with respect and ask first?' But many mean, scathing comments were also brewing in my mind so I kept silent.

What is wrong with certain married people that they are so self absorbed and disrespectful of single people?

The church's lack of respect for single people is appalling.

I've seen it happen in my church. People used to call me for some work at odd hours. When I said I was busy, they asked me "Well, you're single. What do you have to do? Wash clothes? Cook for your family? Change your babies' nappies?" I simply smiled and said "I can't make it." After a few times they stopped bothering me.

Your friend has to do that. She must say "NO". They may not like it but she's better off not having those people in her life.

When in doubt, ask 'What Would Grumpy Cat Say'.... :rolleyes:

 
Feb 18, 2013
1,294
26
0
#8
That's awful. She needs to leave the group immediately.

I have married people from church ask me to do things like help with childcare, but they always do it so respectfully. They acknowledge that while my schedule may be different than theirs, I do have a schedule and my own responsibilities. I really appreciate that. When I am available, I enjoy helping out. If I'm not free, I just say "wish I could help, but I can't this time", and they are always very gracious about it.
 
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C

Charcoal

Guest
#9
When my Bible class (single parents, married parents, some couples without kids) wants child care so that we can do something without the kids (like a fancy holiday dinner) we HIRE some of the high-schoolers or better known college students. If it's for an overnight thing folks either bring their kids, leave their kids at Grandma's house, or it's a Mom's only weekend or a Dad's only weekend. There's lots of times we do Mom's night out one week and then Dad's night out the next week, and there's a lot of trading of sitting that happens so that people can date their spouse still, etc.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#10
Crimson, that's HORRIBLE. I sure hope the singles in your church stand up for themselves because once it starts, it will only snowball. I admit that I am often VERY hesitant to get too involved at churches for this very reason, unless I find a group of other singles like myself. Otherwise, you become part of the 20% that does 80% of the work at the church, and sometimes not even by choice!!

The funny thing is, I've spent some time with mothers whose kids are in school and... once they drop off their kids at the bus stop... They go home and play Candy Crush until it's time to pick the kids up. (Now I am NOT saying this about all mothers of course!!! Please, all you diligent mothers out there, DON'T stone me, I'm just trying to illustrate that I've been around some moms who have a LOT more free time during the day than I do when their kids are in school.) I'm also not saying there is anything wrong with kicking back and relaxing while the kids are at school.

But what I AM saying is that it is then wrong to expect singles to take up the brunt of the "grub work" just because they are single. I've noticed that in society in general and especially in churches, if you don't have children yourself, people see you as A Forever Child Yourself and treat you as if you're missing all of your adult genes. Granted, part of me does feel like I've never grown up because I haven't entirely raised a human being from birth to adulthood, but that does not mean I was born to serve those who do without being asked.

Some time ago, I was actually going to write a thread about this subject too but in respect to workplaces and not the church. I have always worked in environments in which it was always assumed I could come in early, stay late, and be the reliable person when the others had to work their schedules around their kids. Now again, I'm certainly not saying that parents aren't reliable. But what happens is there are always a few parents who take advantage of the singles and make no effort to take responsibility because they figure the single people have nothing better to do than pick up the slack.

I know this is a little off-topic, but my Mom, very much a married lady, HATES women's retreats. She's been involved in dozens of groups but always skips the retreats. She tried going on one, many years ago, and came home the same day without spending the night. She told me, "I have never spent a single night away from your father since we were married, and if I can help it, I never will."

She also likes to say... that if the married women spent more time going on retreats WITH their husbands... maybe their marriages would be a lot healthier... and they would have a lot less anger/frustration/depression or even need to go on such retreats.

(Mom, I think you--and Dad--should lead a retreat yourselves. :D)
 

Crimson_Lark

Senior Member
Apr 17, 2012
207
15
18
#11
Seoulsearch, you said, "If you don't have children yourself, people see you as A Forever Child Yourself and treat you as if you're missing all of your adult genes."

ABSOLUTELY! I've seen this and it's ridiculous.
 
M

MidniteWelder

Guest
#12
I just tell people.
I got hobbies... later :cool:
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#13
A bible study I know of, was comprised of a couple married couples and one single woman. The study decided to schedule a weekend retreat. Since many of the married couples had kids they needed a sitter. So without asking the single woman
they 'informed' her she would be staying home from the retreat and taking care of their kids! My friend was completely outraged.

The worst part is I have seen this attitude so many times in the church. Single people get treated like second class citizens and it infuriates me.

Half the time it's stay at home moms who are the culprits! It's like.... let me get this straight, someone who has a full time job and is involved in multiple ministries, in your twisted brain, has more time on her hands and should act like your servant just because she's single? No wonder people leave the church.

One married woman said to me, 'well Tara can do all the prep work for our next church event because she's single.' I wanted to say: 'Tara has a full time job, takes care of her mother and is involved in multiple ministries, how about we treat her with respect and ask first?' But many mean, scathing comments were also brewing in my mind so I kept silent.

What is wrong with certain married people that they are so self absorbed and disrespectful of single people?

The church's lack of respect for single people is appalling.
Wow, that's horrible! Even if you did have time to yourself as a single person, that doesn't mean you're the default person who must take the children and look after them. Maybe you just want to have a quiet night in by yourself, or heaven forbid, you have friends you want to catchup with!

In short though, the Church generally doesn't know what do with single people. I should know, I was one for 30 years and I've seen the stupidity (subconscious and conscious) that takes place.
 
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Sep 29, 2014
347
1
0
#14
A bible study I know of, was comprised of a couple married couples and one single woman. The study decided to schedule a weekend retreat. Since many of the married couples had kids they needed a sitter. So without asking the single woman
they 'informed' her she would be staying home from the retreat and taking care of their kids! My friend was completely outraged.
That's incredibly rude. Maybe there was a miscommunication?
 
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#15
Our sermon was actually about this today. About holding singles in higher esteem, giving them the same respect as anyone else, not taking advantage of their time, not feeling like they "need" a partner.

Crimson, that's terrible. I'd have been so hurt not to have been included in the retreat plans, and then insult added to injury by expecting me to watch the children while everyone else goes. I hope she tells them how she felt about it. They may be totally clueless of their behavior. We can hope.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#16
Wow, that's horrible! Even if you did have time to yourself as a single person, that doesn't mean you're the default person who must take the children and look after them. Maybe you just want to have a quiet night in by yourself, or heaven forbid, you have friends you want to catchup with!.
A quiet night in by yourself? Heaven forfend!

 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
#17
That's incredibly rude. Maybe there was a miscommunication?
Many of my married friends have misconceptions about single people, even those who were single for years before they were married. One friend, despite the fact the fact that she knows I generally teach most evenings and weekends, thought I must have all the time in the world to do what I want. Not to mention all the money in the world. I'd say that this is probably not a miscommunication, but what they thought she should be expected to do.
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
#18
The only thing I could see as to why they might not want to include her on the retreat was the fact that she was single and they were afraid she would steal their husbands, or something like that. I think this is one thing many women deal with anyway, Christian or not Christian, that feeling of jealousy that another woman is attempting to take her husband, despite the fact that the other woman may have no interests at all. Hmm, maybe that is the root of a lot of disrespect by married people, jealousy.
 

OnThisRock

Senior Member
Jan 20, 2011
353
9
18
#19
A bible study I know of, was comprised of a couple married couples and one single woman. The study decided to schedule a weekend retreat. Since many of the married couples had kids they needed a sitter. So without asking the single woman
they 'informed' her she would be staying home from the retreat and taking care of their kids! My friend was completely outraged.

The worst part is I have seen this attitude so many times in the church. Single people get treated like second class citizens and it infuriates me.

Half the time it's stay at home moms who are the culprits! It's like.... let me get this straight, someone who has a full time job and is involved in multiple ministries, in your twisted brain, has more time on her hands and should act like your servant just because she's single? No wonder people leave the church.

One married woman said to me, 'well Tara can do all the prep work for our next church event because she's single.' I wanted to say: 'Tara has a full time job, takes care of her mother and is involved in multiple ministries, how about we treat her with respect and ask first?' But many mean, scathing comments were also brewing in my mind so I kept silent.

What is wrong with certain married people that they are so self absorbed and disrespectful of single people?

The church's lack of respect for single people is appalling.
This INFURIATES me. I found that is why I did not attend American churches and left my biological family, because they attempted to lay many burdens on me and burn me out. I was even a full time therapist and the church saw a gold mine when I came there in just to worship. They assumed I would also take on all their dysfunctional church members as clients because I was single with no kids. But, it is not just with church people........

I recently had the opportunity to take on a part time tutoring job on top of my full time university job. I decided not to take it because of her mentality. I asked the woman why the last man did not take the part time tutoring position. She said it was because the MAN had a family and did not have time. But she said, "You are single with no kids so you can dedicate your time to the kids". I ALMOST BLEW UP. If anything, I have even less time, because I have to do everything by myself (grocery shopping, lesson planning, etc). I think that is why it is really important when you are single, to draw the boundaries and guard your heart against these disrespectful married people who clearly target GOD's single women. It has taken years of sticking up for myself and avoiding these USERS to see they are NOT interested in my well being at all!! They are interested in WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM.

Sis, you tell those workers of iniquity to take their own burdensom load back to hell where it belongs!!!! Jesus has harsh words for those workers of inequity, especially when they do such things in the church. SHAME ON THEM. God is a God of justice!!!! God loves single women and FREED them from this type of slavery. They will be held accountable.

Matthew 23:4. [TABLE="class: maintable3, width: 100%"]
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[TD]They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.

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OnThisRock

Senior Member
Jan 20, 2011
353
9
18
#20
The only thing I could see as to why they might not want to include her on the retreat was the fact that she was single and they were afraid she would steal their husbands, or something like that. I think this is one thing many women deal with anyway, Christian or not Christian, that feeling of jealousy that another woman is attempting to take her husband, despite the fact that the other woman may have no interests at all. Hmm, maybe that is the root of a lot of disrespect by married people, jealousy.
Or afraid of her FREEDOM in Christ. I see alot of married people in complete bondage and they hate on singles. Yes.