Let's Talk About Long-Distance Relationships...

[seoulsearch]

Hi Singles,

We usually have several discussions about this in the threads every year, but I'm bringing it up again because it's already been mildly debated in some of the other threads without a chance for discussion.

Here are some things I'm hoping we can talk about:

1. What, to you, constitutes "long-distance" anyway? For some, it's 30 minutes; for others, halfway around the world isn't a problem. I once had a "long-distance relationship" 90 minutes away, but he didn't have a car or even a license so if we were to spend any time together, I had to go to him. I also once met a guy on a dating site and although we had a great phone conversation, he didn't want to meet because I was an hour away.

2. How many times a week/month/year do you feel you'd need to see someone in order to keep up the relationship? I used to be very open to LDR's but am a bit more guarded now, because relationships take work and if we are never going to see each other, I'd rather just stay friends. I was talking to a great guy in another country a few years ago and he asked about trying to date, but we realized we'd only see each other 1-2 times a year and for me, that was too far apart.

3. I realize this is a subject that is going to have different answers that work for everyone. How important are things money and transportation when considering an LDR? For instance, do you believe there needs to be a way of seeing each other, paying for calls and visits, or are you all right just keeping a relationship through less expensive means, such as internet chatting and Skype? As for me, I feel I would need to be able to see the person on a regular basis.

4. What if one person has no way of contributing towards the costs and the other one will take on the brunt of the expenses? Once again, different things work for different people. Because I usually wound up paying for most everything in past relationships, I am hoping to meet someone who would be willing to make things a little more equal.

If I met someone online, I admit to liking a little chivalry. I would hope he would offer to meet me first (my days of going to meeting a guy first on his territory are over) because he is looking out for my safety and comfort level. This is just my own personal opinion but as a woman, I feel a little more vulnerable. However, I would surely chip in to pay half the cost.

How about the rest of you? Thoughts, opinions, experiences?

All are welcome.

 

[Trailblazer]

My ex girlfriend met her new pastor husband on a Christian dating site. She moved from Calif to Michigan.
Strange how I had abnormally strong feelings that she was someone that I never could marry in our two years together.
I do not know any of the details of her new marriage. My sister did mention that looking at her post on facebook.
Her new husband looks just like her.
I do believe her marriage is God inspired. I wish her well, and get prompted to pray for there marriage, for which I do.

 

[tourist]

I am not a single anymore but I would like to chime in.

I am not sure what would constitute my limit in how far is to far to consider someone for a relationship. For practical purposes I would suppose that my limit would be someone who lived anywhere in the continental US. In 2002 I met my second future wife on AOL. I lived in Florida and she lived in Maine. I had no qualms about flying to Maine to meet her and as it turned out, bring her back with me.

Yes, a long-distance relationship takes a little money to sustain. Like you have stated, I believe it is critical to actually, physically see the other person on a frequent basis. This can get very expensive. I believe that it is of most importance to know in your heart what you are seeking in a prospective mate, and having found this, trust yourself and God enough to take a chance and make a serious attempt to be together on a permanent basis. For me, this is marriage.

I find it incredible that this guy was not willing to come to see you because you live an hour away. In Orlando, you can easily spend over an hour just to get to work. An hour away is like living right next door in a relative sense.

 

[Nicee]

Long distance or not. It's all about the person. If you like him because of love. Well..Love comes and go, but if there are something special about that person(like in my case). You should do anything u can to visit him as a friend n enjoy the city. Don't just go there for him. I'm planning on visiting a dearly beloved friend of mine who lives far away.

 

[seoulsearch]

I find it incredible that this guy was not willing to come to see you because you live an hour away. In Orlando, you can easily spend over an hour just to get to work. An hour away is like living right next door in a relative sense.

That's why this subject it interesting to me... because the answers are all subjective.

Of course, it also might have been that he really didn't like me, and was thinking of a quick excuse!

 

[Oncefallen]

I also once met a guy on a dating site and although we had a great phone conversation, he didn't want to meet because I was an hour away.

Something is just weird about that to me, sounds more like an excuse. I've driven an hour (one way) multiple times to meet people from CC (not romantically involved), four and a half hours (one way) to attend the wedding of a CC user, and 18 hours (one way) to meet someone I was romantically interested in from CC. It would seem to me that if someone was on a dating site and not interested in driving any distance they would state as much on their profile.

 

[JesusMyOnly]

1) Long distance to me is certainly not an hour or a day travle away. I don't even think having to travel across the country to meet that special person is long distance. I find it more of having that someone live on the other side of the world being very far away.


2) As for your second question seoulsearch, wondering how often two people in a long distance relationship should meet all depends on the two people in the realtionship and how things are playing out for them already and their dedication to one another. Personally for me, if I became attached to someone I'd want to be with them a lot. But if distance got in the way I'd say at the LEAST once in person first then I'd have to step back and think if I was dedicated after that. I'd talk to them almost daily on the computer, voice/video chat and through type as well. If feelings continued to grow I'd make sure they were dedicated as well. See how things go from there.


3) Things such as money and transportation will no doubt cause a bit of troubles at times trying to see the one you like who lives far away at times. Especially money. But dedication to one another and God's will (if you are meant to be together) really play a big part even when the odds are against you two meeting one another. No relationship will go completely smooth and things will come between you two whether you are neighbors or on the other side of the world from one another.


4) Money I see can cause so much problems especially in relationships. For example if I had to pay for all the contribuations towards meeting each other and into the relationship I'd really have to stop and think "why?". If that person genuinely (with proof and with my knowledge) could not afford to put towards traveling fees (etc.) then I wouldn't be upset. I'm very far from being rich myself money wise, but if this person was really worth meeting I don't think I'd let money stop us from meeting. I'd find a way to pay the cost eventually and visit. Now if they were being greedy or stingy using you for money....thats another story and a no no.


Of course its always best to remember to use your common sense online when it comes to SAFTEY. Really get to know someone, let them realize you have to make sure you can trust them. You have to gain knowledge about someone and always keep an open mind that they might not be as perfect as you are seeing them before you meet them in person. Watch out for sketchy behavior, and always give someone a heads up before visiting your "special" someone in person.


PRAY about any realtionship that is long distance. What ever God puts together no one can take apart, not even distance can ruin a relationship that God has planned to work. Let your dedication and love for one another show if the relationship is serious enough and worth it to keep. Use your common sense and don't just go by feeling but by what God is telling you.

 

[Lynx]

As for me, I'd have to say I have no idea. It would depend on far too many factors. And I have yet to meet her so I can't even say I'd drive ten minutes to see her. Maybe I'd be willing to drive six hours to see her. Who knows? I don't.

Every person knows exactly how he would deal with a situation... until it is his to deal with.

 

[maxwel]

Long distance relationships?


Of all parts of God's creation, women are the most amazing, wondrous, and perfect.

And the farther away they are... the more perfect they become.

: )

 

[JesusLives]

O.K. I have been in and out of church and one of my out periods I fell in love with a guy who was an army officer in the Lebanese army and lived in Beirut Lebanon. He had asked me to marry him and I had recently been divorced and had said no as I was not totally sure that he just wanted a green card and I was afraid to get remarried. We ended up having a daughter together and did keep the relationship going long distance for over 6 years. He ended up marrying someone else from Lebanon.

He just couldn't leave the military as he was an officer and not an enlisted man and in their country when you sign up as an officer it is pretty much for life. After they bombed the US embassy in Beirut I was not so quick to want to take our baby American daughter and myself to that country. So the relationship fizzled, but I still have the best part of that relationship named Melisa our daughter no regrets about having her at all.

 

[live4faith]

Well, I suppose its no longer a secret, but I have a crush on a guy who lives 1,500 miles away. I don't know how realistic it is to have a long distance relationship, but I'd sure be willing to give it a try. I know with technology today, it's easier anyway. But I don't know from experience. I've never had a long distance relationship.

 

[Oncefallen]

**curiosity sets in**

**curiosity satisfied**

Well, I suppose its no longer a secret, but I have a crush on a guy who lives 1,500 miles away.

I knew before you did. Now you know what my curiosity was about. Actually it's closer to 1600 give or take.

 

[Nautilus]

I live in an area where I don't need a car. I mean I can get anywhere in my city by foot or by bus and with the amount of bus rides I take I spend maybe six dollars a week on transportation. It's even extremely easy to visit family who all live 90 miles away for about $35 roundtrip, which is close to what you would spend in gas but without all the added maintenance fees. So Long-Distance for me is anything outside of easy to get to.

As far as how often I would like to see someone...well probably more than feasible if Im already willing to go the extra mile to get to them.

 

[christian74]

My opinion on the subject, after having a long distance relationship, approx. 3000 miles apart for years, is that long distance relationship is not meant to be and should not replace a "real" relationship, being able to see each other and spend time together on regular basis in person, but rather it is there just to keep up the relationship for two who happened to fell in love while living apart in great distance, just long enough while two make conscious efforts to be together for good. Also, she should have him travel over to her first; it's a red flag for me if he insists otherwise absent special circumstances like him being in jail.

 

[gypsygirl]

As for me, I'd have to say I have no idea. It would depend on far too many factors. And I have yet to meet her so I can't even say I'd drive ten minutes to see her. Maybe I'd be willing to drive six hours to see her. Who knows? I don't.

Every person knows exactly how he would deal with a situation... until it is his to deal with.

yeah, i think my willingness to have a long-distance relationship cannot be measured with unknown information. only when i have the guy in mind and the relationship potential in specific (rather than hypothetical) could i ever be able to assess my motivation.

any attempt to pretend otherwise would be conjecture, spitballing at the very best.

so, would i take a chance on a lukewarm maybe? probably not. would i for something far more compatible? entirely possible. ; )


as a general side note: i think that is true for most hypothetical queries where there is a major unknown involved, i.e. having kids. how can one possibly know if they would want kids if they don't know the father?

that is always how my brain works on such matters.

 

[CatHerder]

It depends on how often the two of us can see each other. That seems more important than the distance.

Also, where are the two of us in the relationship...just starting out? serious? Is it possible for one or the other to move at some point in the near/far future?

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

There are long-distance relationships, and there are long-TERM relationships, but it seems unlikely that both could be achieved at the same time indefinitely.

There's only so much you can get to know about a person while living far away. At some point you're going to need to see them in their natural setting, with their friends, in their home, at their church. Frequent or lengthy visits definitely would help with that though.

 

[Arlene89]

Yay! I can talk from experience!

I am in a long-distance relationship. Tintin is a two hours and forty minute plane trip away or a twenty-two to twenty-four hour drive away. (He's just lucky he has a very attractive beard!)
So far, I have been to Adelaide twice. The first time was from the end of September to October some time and then the very next weekend I went back (Wasn't planned, that's a whole other story in itself, and no it wasn't just to see Christian, either)

I think we waited 3 months to meet in person the first time, then a week in between until the second spontaneous visit, then waited two and a half months until he comes to Brisbania/Arlene land on December 30th, which is exactly two weeks time, WOOHOO. Although we both have physical touch as our top love language, we have surprisingly had the grace to still keep our relationship alive and flourishing. I wanted to visit him once a month at least after my first visit, but every time I prayed and consulted God about it, He told me to stay, and usually when I stayed something awesome happens in our walk with God that wouldn't have happened if we were with each other.

To be honest, it was tricky at first, but I don't find the distance at this point particularly painful. I guess we've established that I will move to Tintin land in April so we have something to look forward to and that we can see our future will have development. Plus we are both crazy growing in Christ and I'm so wrapped up with what God is doing in my hometown, I have such a fulfilment in that which has helped distract me from the whole distance thing.

Christian and I have been trying to keep it even as far as the flights to see each other, but personally I love travel and I love Christian's friends and family, so I tend to throw the 'fair and balanced' idea out the window and try to find every opportunity to go to Tintin land. Christian pays for all the phone calls though, because his home phone plan only charges 10c per call where as mine doesn't. We Skype once in awhile, but for some reason we haven't been huge with Skype *Shrugs*.

I am really blessed because each time I go to see Christian, he instantly takes full responsibility and charge to my comfort and looks after me well. He's nearly tripped and hit things just so he can open car doors and pull out chairs for me to sit on. He drives me anywhere I want to go and attends to my every need with speed and enthusiasm. He is one chivalrous man. (I am swooning as I type this)

I guess if the Lord puts two people together, it just works. I've looked at our situation and circumstances many times, and have had doubts and have asked God what He is doing, I have even looked up at the ceiling, pointed my finger and said, "God, if you want me to marry this man..." and followed through with some interesting requests to which He answered within days. So, I just know now and have peace about it.

So anyways, Tintin is visiting in exactly 2 weeks to meet my side of the family. Annnnnddddd at some point we will go shopping to browse at some engagement rings while snickering like school kids. Just to get an idea, of course. Just in case...

 

[Tintin]

Be still my beating heart!

I think Arlene's covered pretty much everything so far. 100 days passed before we met in person for the first time but we were on the phone, Facebook messaging and texting as much as possible (at least one of those every day). Yes, the distance has been difficult at times, but we've grown a lot in general and in our personal faiths, which is awesome. We can only come back together stronger in Christ.

My love, I'm totally going to open your car door for you in Brisbane. Be prepared. Hopefully I do it with a little more grace than before. Also, if my computer behaves itself, more Skyping would be great. I love you!

 

[Lynx]

So chivalry is not dead in Australia. Sounds like Tintin came from Tennessee. Or at least was raised by people who grew up here.

If Skype is faulty, there ARE other video chat programs...