Boundaries Question
- Thread starter christianguitarist
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You feel attracted, you assume the feelings aren't mutual, but in order to turn someone down they have to have asked. So what exactly has happened here and is there any reason other than fear that you would turn this person down?
As a fellow quality timer, the thing you really need to be careful about is taking someone's willingness to be around you more seriously than they intend it. It can make things pretty confusing when quality time makes you feel really special and the other person thinks it's just a casual friendship.
As a fellow quality timer, the thing you really need to be careful about is taking someone's willingness to be around you more seriously than they intend it. It can make things pretty confusing when quality time makes you feel really special and the other person thinks it's just a casual friendship.
K
I think this is actually the best answer. To make this thing even worse - sometimes you don't even realize you're being a kind of nuisance. I remember I watched this hilarious short film. It was about a young man who had come to the conclusion that all blind dates ended in misery. His parents had fixed him up with a blind date - a daughter of a friend. When they met, the young man knew this was going to be a long long night. His poor date was a total albatross. She had a mouth full of braces, she tripped over stuff, ran into other stuff, and was constantly doing weird things. He would look over at her in the car and she would be making faces at him! He'd glace at her at the movies and she'd have messages like "i love you" written on her forehead. She'd hold on to his arm until all circulation was lost and would just suddenly say something like "I can stand on my head!" The young man was glad that date was over and he didn't walk her to her door What a total goof, he thought. Blind dates end in misery.
His parents added a little insult to above misery and fixed him up with another blind date. The boy wasn't looking forward to this one either, but when he met her she was probably the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Her voice was like an angel's song and her eyes the color of the deepest waters of the Mediterranean. He wanted to know everything about her though she seemed very quiet and offered little. He told her all about himself and his interests but nothing seemed all that interesting to her. He became desperate to find the thing she would respond to. On the way to the movies he put two pencils in his nose and tapped her shoulder. This would surely make her laugh, but it didn't really. Then at the movie he threw popcorn at her because the movie was so boring but she seemed like she really into it and looked angry. On the way home he finally got to hold her hand but she kept changing positions and wiggling out of it. When they got to her house, he wanted to walk her to the door but she said she was fine and said goodbye.
In a moment of mournful awareness the young man realized his folly. He was the albatross that night. He was that girl's misery. In the wisdom of a budding young man however, he found empathy in his heart for both his dates and both in different ways and felt the richer for it.
So this story in no way represents what might have happened with you, Christianguitarist. Only the message that there is profit in love regardless of its consequence.
His parents added a little insult to above misery and fixed him up with another blind date. The boy wasn't looking forward to this one either, but when he met her she was probably the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Her voice was like an angel's song and her eyes the color of the deepest waters of the Mediterranean. He wanted to know everything about her though she seemed very quiet and offered little. He told her all about himself and his interests but nothing seemed all that interesting to her. He became desperate to find the thing she would respond to. On the way to the movies he put two pencils in his nose and tapped her shoulder. This would surely make her laugh, but it didn't really. Then at the movie he threw popcorn at her because the movie was so boring but she seemed like she really into it and looked angry. On the way home he finally got to hold her hand but she kept changing positions and wiggling out of it. When they got to her house, he wanted to walk her to the door but she said she was fine and said goodbye.
In a moment of mournful awareness the young man realized his folly. He was the albatross that night. He was that girl's misery. In the wisdom of a budding young man however, he found empathy in his heart for both his dates and both in different ways and felt the richer for it.
So this story in no way represents what might have happened with you, Christianguitarist. Only the message that there is profit in love regardless of its consequence.
first, let me say that you never need to feel obligated to hang out with, date, or spend time with someone whom you don't feel any desire to do with. and you shouldn't feel bad for that, if it's the case.
however, i want to say one thing. since i have no clue what your rationale is for this, i would point out that:
1) dating is not only about going out (spending time) with someone whom you already like. for me, dating can be the discovery of such. dating is not akin to a proposal or even necessarily validation of feelings. i can go out with someone to ascertain whether there is compatibility and a possibility for more. so in a sense, dating can be that time of figuring out whether there can be more. a chance to see what might (or might not) be.
for me, that is what (early stage) dating is all about. and i have a time limit for that too. like, if i'm feeling nothing at all towards a guy, i have a three date rule. if i'm feeling absolutely nothing by the third date, it's not going to happen.
2) by deciding before you even go out with (or simply spend time with) that you have no compatibility can be kind of a bad thing. because it's kind of rare for me to even be sure whether there is a possibility of more from the outset. i know so little at the beginning and mostly the observations are superficial--none of which really help me invest. of course there are things that become deal breakers, and you should feel free to honor those, but i am noticing how many of my friends try to make all the determination with so little information.
another thing to remember is that people are different in a group, vs individually. i am especially this way. i tend to be more of goof off and play to the group, rather than making individual connections. this could be one way to really misread someone. so what you think you're seeing might not be all that representative of the person who you'd spend time with. there are a million other reasons to keep an open mind until you actually get to know someone a little bit better.
3) there is sort of a culture among men and women that 'spending time together' means so much more than it should be. there is so much pressure and expectation upon a guy asking because he feels like it means SO much. and women take that invitation as validation for a lot more than it should be.
if we had some kind of better expectation, i don't think guys would be trying to figure everything out beforehand, and women wouldn't be so closed off to even spending an evening with someone might not seem like "everything you ever wanted" but instead is possibly everything you wanted but didn't know that you did.
too many are looking for something that they have in their mind, wanting to carry that along and seek it in a different person. it's these snapshot, knee jerk reactions seem to allow these very limiting mindsets to flourish and remain alive.
so, if you're simply not attracted to this girl and it's a huge mismatch from the start (i.e. a physical attraction thing you're never going to overcome) please don't bother. BUT, if your lack of clarity or presumption is what is preventing you from proceeding, especially if it's because you don't want to escalate a situation just to find out, i would encourage you to simply hang out with her in some low key environment. there are million no-pressure things that you can do to find out about what makes her tick and the things you share compatibility over.
everything doesn't have to be a big deal. REALLY.
some of the best discoveries i've made in people were from the unexpected and completely unanticipated--and never underestimate someone's ability to surprise you in every good way. : )
however, i want to say one thing. since i have no clue what your rationale is for this, i would point out that:
1) dating is not only about going out (spending time) with someone whom you already like. for me, dating can be the discovery of such. dating is not akin to a proposal or even necessarily validation of feelings. i can go out with someone to ascertain whether there is compatibility and a possibility for more. so in a sense, dating can be that time of figuring out whether there can be more. a chance to see what might (or might not) be.
for me, that is what (early stage) dating is all about. and i have a time limit for that too. like, if i'm feeling nothing at all towards a guy, i have a three date rule. if i'm feeling absolutely nothing by the third date, it's not going to happen.
2) by deciding before you even go out with (or simply spend time with) that you have no compatibility can be kind of a bad thing. because it's kind of rare for me to even be sure whether there is a possibility of more from the outset. i know so little at the beginning and mostly the observations are superficial--none of which really help me invest. of course there are things that become deal breakers, and you should feel free to honor those, but i am noticing how many of my friends try to make all the determination with so little information.
another thing to remember is that people are different in a group, vs individually. i am especially this way. i tend to be more of goof off and play to the group, rather than making individual connections. this could be one way to really misread someone. so what you think you're seeing might not be all that representative of the person who you'd spend time with. there are a million other reasons to keep an open mind until you actually get to know someone a little bit better.
3) there is sort of a culture among men and women that 'spending time together' means so much more than it should be. there is so much pressure and expectation upon a guy asking because he feels like it means SO much. and women take that invitation as validation for a lot more than it should be.
if we had some kind of better expectation, i don't think guys would be trying to figure everything out beforehand, and women wouldn't be so closed off to even spending an evening with someone might not seem like "everything you ever wanted" but instead is possibly everything you wanted but didn't know that you did.
too many are looking for something that they have in their mind, wanting to carry that along and seek it in a different person. it's these snapshot, knee jerk reactions seem to allow these very limiting mindsets to flourish and remain alive.
so, if you're simply not attracted to this girl and it's a huge mismatch from the start (i.e. a physical attraction thing you're never going to overcome) please don't bother. BUT, if your lack of clarity or presumption is what is preventing you from proceeding, especially if it's because you don't want to escalate a situation just to find out, i would encourage you to simply hang out with her in some low key environment. there are million no-pressure things that you can do to find out about what makes her tick and the things you share compatibility over.
everything doesn't have to be a big deal. REALLY.
some of the best discoveries i've made in people were from the unexpected and completely unanticipated--and never underestimate someone's ability to surprise you in every good way. : )
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well, i kind of misread that. but again, i need to dissent. after ALL that up there, i kind of forgot to mention the one thing.
women are often REALLY slow investors into relationships--myself very much so. if she is completely turning you down and shutting the door, then fine, leave her alone. but please don't assume that her (apparent) lack of mutual interest is going to be always like that.
my favorite analogy of men/women "investment" is the swimming pool. guys seem to dive in, and there they are (which we just love about you, guys!). in the pool. more often, women seem to inch in from the shallow end, and some of us move at a glacial pace--because we're needing more information to proceed, figuring stuff out, etc. you can help that by opening up more, showing us different sides, and making a concerted effort to show us how you think and feel. moody (unpredictable) guys can make this so much worse.
if i am spending time with someone, it's because i think something could come of it. but honestly, i ALWAYS feel like i'm playing catch up, emotionally and interest-wise towards the beginning. some women just need time for these feelings to develop and mature into real interest. but that's how real feelings grow.
if you care for her, allow her receptiveness to be your guide, not her outward display, validation or communication of feelings. by the way, some women have no clue about this gender disparity of interest, and they will only notice that they don't like you as much as you like them, "oh noes!" especially if they're young or kind of new to the relationship thing.
and if you really don't care that much about her, well, absolutely -- put those boundaries up, cut bait and don't bother finding out what might be. love should be more than a passing fancy. decide for yourself whether she's worth your time and pursuit and the risks associated.
love is for the courageous. : )
women are often REALLY slow investors into relationships--myself very much so. if she is completely turning you down and shutting the door, then fine, leave her alone. but please don't assume that her (apparent) lack of mutual interest is going to be always like that.
my favorite analogy of men/women "investment" is the swimming pool. guys seem to dive in, and there they are (which we just love about you, guys!). in the pool. more often, women seem to inch in from the shallow end, and some of us move at a glacial pace--because we're needing more information to proceed, figuring stuff out, etc. you can help that by opening up more, showing us different sides, and making a concerted effort to show us how you think and feel. moody (unpredictable) guys can make this so much worse.
if i am spending time with someone, it's because i think something could come of it. but honestly, i ALWAYS feel like i'm playing catch up, emotionally and interest-wise towards the beginning. some women just need time for these feelings to develop and mature into real interest. but that's how real feelings grow.
if you care for her, allow her receptiveness to be your guide, not her outward display, validation or communication of feelings. by the way, some women have no clue about this gender disparity of interest, and they will only notice that they don't like you as much as you like them, "oh noes!" especially if they're young or kind of new to the relationship thing.
and if you really don't care that much about her, well, absolutely -- put those boundaries up, cut bait and don't bother finding out what might be. love should be more than a passing fancy. decide for yourself whether she's worth your time and pursuit and the risks associated.
love is for the courageous. : )
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