Should drug addiction be non negotiable qualification in finding a husband?
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In looking for a mate, we must remember that others bring their own baggage into a relationship. And this baggage will sooner or later affect not only us but, and as GandalfTheWhite stated, our friends and family. This baggage must be considered in our decision to enter into a relationship because failure to do so can be detrimental to the well-being of others.
I feel that prayer is paramount in this type of situation.
I feel that prayer is paramount in this type of situation.
U
True, we all have baggage, but some baggage is more destructive than others.
If someone is currently in addiction they are a bad choice. If they are newly trying to come out of an addiction, still a bad choice. If they have had years of being clean then that's a safer choice. But there is always still a risk.
But anyone still in the grips of the addiction is bad because addicts are often dishonest, steal and can become violent easily. They also put others at risk because of the people they will associate with. Drug addicts make bad, and very selfish choices. This is not simply 'baggage' is if it still going on, this is much more serious.
Until a person proves, over time, that they have sustained a sober lifestyle, then you are putting yourself at huge risk.
If someone is currently in addiction they are a bad choice. If they are newly trying to come out of an addiction, still a bad choice. If they have had years of being clean then that's a safer choice. But there is always still a risk.
But anyone still in the grips of the addiction is bad because addicts are often dishonest, steal and can become violent easily. They also put others at risk because of the people they will associate with. Drug addicts make bad, and very selfish choices. This is not simply 'baggage' is if it still going on, this is much more serious.
Until a person proves, over time, that they have sustained a sober lifestyle, then you are putting yourself at huge risk.
Hi Tinkerbell,
Drug addiction by itself is enough of a challenge, let alone in a marriage.
I dated a severe alcoholic for 3 years who had 3 children. Up until that time I had no personal experience with addiction, not even with family members or friends. Some of my friends experimented or regularly smoked things, but it was never around me and I was never invited to the places or events they went to while doing these things (I would have been too scared to go anyway--I was a naive small-town girl.)
I'm not saying that everyone with a drug/addiction problem can't be in a relationship or married. But I know that after experiencing it for myself, I won't do it again. Several years after we broke up, I was still finding old empty bottles of Bacardi and Schnapps that my ex had hidden around the outside of my house when he came over.
Here are some questions to consider:
1. Are you willing and able to support this person emotionally and financially without receiving anything back? When I met my ex, he was firmly planted in a help group, had a full-time job, and was going to church, so yes, I believed in him becoming and staying sober. However, once he had someone to help him, he stopped making every effort and it all slid downhill. He quit his job and spent any incoming money on alcohol, cigarettes, and probably other things but I never had any proof.
Everything you do to help might very well make the person worse because you will be enabling them to an extent. Are you strong enough to say no? And to stand strong when this person lies or even steals from you in order to protect their habit? Are you willing to deal with the fallout? My ex was always drinking, and one night he took my car and crashed it in the middle of an empty field, causing a couple thousand dollar's worth of damage. Which of course he had no money to pay for.
2. If there are children involved, are you willing to pay and care for them as as single parent? This is what I wound up doing while with my ex. Are you willing to pay for daycare costs, etc., and other expenses your significant other can't pay for if they are unable/unwilling to work? These are all things I wound up doing.
3. Are you willing to stand by this person if they go through rehab (be sure to consider the expenses and costs to your own health as well from the stress), possibly several times? It's been almost 12 years since my ex and I broke up and I'd heard he'd been through rehab at least 3 times (probably more) but would fall through every time, and usually never even completed the program.
4. Are you willing to pay the consequences if this person is arrested, convicted, and put into prison? Are you willing to risk yourself and any children you may have? For example, if you're driving this person somewhere and they have drugs in their possession and you get stopped, are willing to go to jail right along with them? Another thing I wound up paying for were his legal fees when he got into trouble.
I am certainly not trying to condemn or criminalize anyone struggling with such things, BUT, be sure you take a good hard look at reality when you consider dating, let alone marrying someone who is in this position. For my own self, I support ministries that help people fighting with this but do not allow myself to start paying for someone's addiction, which I have found myself doing in the past without meaning to.
If I had known then when I know now, I would have never dated someone with an addiction. The best thing that came out of it are the real-life lessons I learned, and the time I had with his children.
Drug addiction by itself is enough of a challenge, let alone in a marriage.
I dated a severe alcoholic for 3 years who had 3 children. Up until that time I had no personal experience with addiction, not even with family members or friends. Some of my friends experimented or regularly smoked things, but it was never around me and I was never invited to the places or events they went to while doing these things (I would have been too scared to go anyway--I was a naive small-town girl.)
I'm not saying that everyone with a drug/addiction problem can't be in a relationship or married. But I know that after experiencing it for myself, I won't do it again. Several years after we broke up, I was still finding old empty bottles of Bacardi and Schnapps that my ex had hidden around the outside of my house when he came over.
Here are some questions to consider:
1. Are you willing and able to support this person emotionally and financially without receiving anything back? When I met my ex, he was firmly planted in a help group, had a full-time job, and was going to church, so yes, I believed in him becoming and staying sober. However, once he had someone to help him, he stopped making every effort and it all slid downhill. He quit his job and spent any incoming money on alcohol, cigarettes, and probably other things but I never had any proof.
Everything you do to help might very well make the person worse because you will be enabling them to an extent. Are you strong enough to say no? And to stand strong when this person lies or even steals from you in order to protect their habit? Are you willing to deal with the fallout? My ex was always drinking, and one night he took my car and crashed it in the middle of an empty field, causing a couple thousand dollar's worth of damage. Which of course he had no money to pay for.
2. If there are children involved, are you willing to pay and care for them as as single parent? This is what I wound up doing while with my ex. Are you willing to pay for daycare costs, etc., and other expenses your significant other can't pay for if they are unable/unwilling to work? These are all things I wound up doing.
3. Are you willing to stand by this person if they go through rehab (be sure to consider the expenses and costs to your own health as well from the stress), possibly several times? It's been almost 12 years since my ex and I broke up and I'd heard he'd been through rehab at least 3 times (probably more) but would fall through every time, and usually never even completed the program.
4. Are you willing to pay the consequences if this person is arrested, convicted, and put into prison? Are you willing to risk yourself and any children you may have? For example, if you're driving this person somewhere and they have drugs in their possession and you get stopped, are willing to go to jail right along with them? Another thing I wound up paying for were his legal fees when he got into trouble.
I am certainly not trying to condemn or criminalize anyone struggling with such things, BUT, be sure you take a good hard look at reality when you consider dating, let alone marrying someone who is in this position. For my own self, I support ministries that help people fighting with this but do not allow myself to start paying for someone's addiction, which I have found myself doing in the past without meaning to.
If I had known then when I know now, I would have never dated someone with an addiction. The best thing that came out of it are the real-life lessons I learned, and the time I had with his children.
Thank you Tink. I hope that my brother's testimony will help others because he was such a good person (by worldly standards) but in the end he couldn't stay clean.
My wife's half brothers are also on drugs and they struggle to get clean. It is so sad to see them spiralling out of control. We have helped them financially and with cell phones, only to find out that they used it all to buy drugs...
My wife's half brothers are also on drugs and they struggle to get clean. It is so sad to see them spiralling out of control. We have helped them financially and with cell phones, only to find out that they used it all to buy drugs...
A husband?
Even a friend!
I do not know what sort of a problem will be attached in a relationship with a person addicted to anything. It doesn´t matter it be alcohol, tobacco or stronger drugs.
Who wants to marry a problem?
I think ladies should be more aware of it, just in case they planned to get babies.
Even a friend!
I do not know what sort of a problem will be attached in a relationship with a person addicted to anything. It doesn´t matter it be alcohol, tobacco or stronger drugs.
Who wants to marry a problem?
I think ladies should be more aware of it, just in case they planned to get babies.
