What Happens If One Person Sets THE BAR For What You're Looking For?

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#1
Hey Everyone,

I have been thinking about this ever since I read a few posts here discussing what happens if one person in your life seems to set "the standard" for what you're looking for in a significant other.

Was there ever a time when someone in your life was as close to being "the one" as possible, and now you're looking for someone else who can be that close or even closer to being your ideal companion?

It doesn't necessarily have to be a potential or former love interest--maybe you have a parent, brother, cousin, sibling's spouse, etc. whom you see as being the "ideal" person and you're having a hard time because no one seems to even "come close" to being as ideal as that person.

I have two examples (all names have been changed for privacy):

1. I once knew a girl who was dating a guy who said he loved her, but would always talk about his ex-girlfriend from about 7 years before. "Yeah," he'd tell her, "Nikki was a model." He would then proceed to repeat this mantra over and over again, "MY EX WAS A MODEL," and in fact, he had been young at the time and had even had her likeness tattooed on one of his arms. Now, the current girl he was dating was beautiful (I'm not sure why, but he always seemed to overlook the fact that SHE had modeled as well for some local ads), intelligent (she was studying to be an attorney), and incredibly loyal (he was incarcerated for part of their relationship.)

I don't know what happened between them but I know she was getting awfully tired of him talking about "THE MODEL" all the time, not to mention showing off his ex's picture that he literally carried with him everywhere... on his arm. How would you feel and what would you do if someone you were dating kept going back to a standard set by another person?

2. In my own life, I would have to say that the things I miss most my time with my ex-husband are that he accepted and encouraged all of who I am, and he made me feel protected at a time when so many things seemed unsure. I normally meet people who taking a liking to one half of my personality but generally don't know what to do with the other--the people who like my serious side aren't sure what's going on when I crack a lot of (albeit, bad) jokes, and the people who like my humorous side back away when I want to talk about death, depression, and various forms of abuse.

My ex, however, took it all in stride. I remember the time I was stressing out over a major assignment for a class and he made me take a break and dance with him across the kitchen floor (dancing was something he NEVER did), and I remember when we were lying under Christmas lights one night and he was telling me, "I've always wondered... If I blew my head off at a wishing well in the middle of the mall, would people still go there to make wishes?" Of course they would.

But I loved that we could have such discussions with nothing held back, and the nature of our "special talks" could change without so much as the blink of an eye. We just kind of "got that" about each other. My whole life I had struggled to fit in and he told me, "Baby, you and I... we don't wait for someone to tell us where we fit in. We make our own place."

THAT'S what I miss. I miss... having a place to belong, because that's what I felt with him. Over time, I think it's not so much HIM that I miss but rather, the WAY I FELT when I was with him. But I also realize that this was 20 years ago and what made me feel as if I belonged somewhere then might be completely different now. And feeling protected now may have a totally different definition or may not even be necessary, seeing as I've survived on my own for so long.

What happens when someone makes us feel something we've never felt before in our lives, and we're afraid we'll never feel it again? How do we allow ourselves to have deep feelings for another person? How do we treat that person fairly without hurtful comparisons?

Can we expect someone else to look at us with fresh eyes if we're caught up in a feeling from the past?

If you're the one always being compared to a standard set by someone else, do you leave or do you stay?

And how can we allow God to "clean the slate" of our hearts so that we can start over fresh and anew, without looking for or expecting something we only seemed to find in another person?
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
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#2
i think i'm at risk for comparison only to the extent that i am able to get to know someone.

when i get to know someone, i want to know ALL ABOUT THEM. like, everything. no detail is mundane.

i want to to know how they make decisions.
what motivates them?
what do they care about?
what are their passions?
what makes them angry?
what makes them laugh?
what do they like about me? why me?
what do they expect for their future?
what were they like as a kid?
what are their disappointments? what are their shining moments?

i could fill a page full of questions that flow into the ease of conversation that is a long process of getting to know someone on an intimate level.

for me, it's almost impossible to have any interest (or much more than faded memory) in another guy when i'm that engaged in the process.

however, it's also during that time, it's pretty clear whether the answers are yielding info that simply isn't clicking with me. or when i can't get the answers at all. when the answers feel like retrieving a bit of trivia using the "jaws of life extraction method", and every conversation feels like i'm using all my toolkit to solicit a weensie bit of vulnerability--only to start over the next time with brick wall piece #1.

some guys (and girls) don't want to be known. or worse they don't know themselves. *cringe*

the good news i've found is that it's hard to compare guys when you know them well. because there are no real categories when they are in the present, because if i'm still watching the story unfold, they're fascinating to me.

how do you compare fascination? i don't know, and i only care when it's not working.

i find people who spend all the time comparing the "others" are doing so because those dreams and memories are serving as surrogates for meeting others. such as the people who are standing on the sidelines, and don't want the real thing. they are the boyfriend and girlfriend ghosts that haunt their house with memories, but lack the scrutiny of the real thing. and sometimes, that condition can't be helped, especially if you're in recovery and it's necessary to take time out.

but, i deeply believe there are 464363465 flavors of amazing, and i'll be fortunate to hold on to one. : )
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#3
There have been a few girls that were closer to the target than others as far as I'm concerned. On the flipside, I've been told a few times that I set the bar, so to speak, and so it broke our hearts all the more when things did not pan out, I think. Notwithstanding, no one will ever satisfy all of a person's desires.

If I come across another in whom I can connect with more deeply than others, I intend to not complicate the dynamic with affairs of the heart. :)
 

SparkleEyes

Senior Member
Mar 23, 2013
771
21
18
#4
I think they should tell the other person that they are comparing, why it is wrong and detrimental to the relationship and ask them why they are doing it (including why they are in a new relationship if they CLEARLY aren't over the previous one). Once that conversation has happened and the two are satisfied, then if they both want to stay in the current relationship, the other person should STOP comparing (both verbally and inside their head). If they refuse or say they will and don't stop, then LEAVE. No person with adequate self respect should stay in that kind of relationship.

JMO :cool:
 
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MissCris

Guest
#5
This might be the first time ever I've felt grateful to have had such craptastical past relationships...there's been nobody in my past who has "set the bar"...at least not on the positive end of the spectrum. There are people in my past who have taught me what to avoid in the future (er, that's a past-tense 'future', if that makes any sense at all...time, it's confusing).

I didn't even have any male role models around me to show me what to look for in a relationship, really. The closest I ever had to someone "setting the bar" in my mind was a kid I had a crush on in high school, but I only knew him on a very superficial level; as in, I never actually spoke to him, I only knew that he was very active in his church and that he seemed to be kind to those kids whom everybody else ignored or picked on. Basically, he was like the hero of a cheesy high school romance type movie; handsome, popular, good at everything, and nice to everyone, and also, he had no idea some geeky "nobody" type girl had a crush on him. The movie type similarities end there, though- he never randomly asked me to any major school dance, he never helped me pick up my books, he never defended me against his friends making fun of me (maybe because his friends never Did make fun of me...). Anyway, I just thought, back then, "How amazing would it be to date someone like him?"

Of course, I never did date anyone like him. And I got over that crush fairly quickly and kept up with my pattern of dating jerks for a while.

I think what I'm saying with all that is that I didn't have any standards for who I dated. <---Don't be like that, by the way.

I have, however, been compared to plenty "the one"s in my time. My first husband was bad about this; he spent a great deal of time telling me about all the things he and his ex had in common, how much time they used to spend together, how she made him laugh, how cute her laugh was, how tiny she was, how smart, athletic, outgoing, blah blah blah she was...
It made me feel insanely insecure, and while I didn't realize it at the time, it also made me act in a pretty unattractively clingy manner. After we got divorced, I honestly hoped he'd get back together with his ex, if for no other reason than to spare some other poor woman from having to try to live up to this ghost from his past.

Anyway, I absolutely don't think there's anything wrong with having high standards for a relationship (though of course if the bar is set super high, be prepared to be waiting a while for the one who can reach it), and please-oh-please have at least Some standards...but it's a really awful thing to do to somebody you're in a relationship with, to be incessantly comparing your relationship with them to one you had before (and worse, comparing the new person to the old one all the time).
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
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#6
Weeeeeeeell... I've never had a girlfriend so there's nobody to whom I can compare anyone.

Maybe compare to my mother - a girl should be able to keep up in the conversation, should have at least a little wit and humor. You gotta have at least a bit of a sense of humor to put up with my family. Someone who never gets the joke could become a bit tedious to be around for the rest of my life.

But yeah, so far there's nobody really in my life who has set the bar anywhere, much less high.
 

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#7
Every relationship is different. Its not like picking Ice Cream flavors. Banana's Foster is my favorite. I don't compare all the other flavors to it, because it doesn't work that way.


The first girl I ever said I love you to was by every christian metric, objectively perfect. Does that mean the relationship was even good? no, not really. In fact that critical voice that drove her to pursue perfection, became the judgmental coyote in my own head. I can't live with a judgmental coyote hovering over my shoulder questioning whether the nuts I was eating were fair trade, or the shirts I was buying made in china, or if the fish was farmed or caught on and on. Because, the level of scrutiny she was under was a burden, and it is hers to bear.

Every relationship is different.

My energy feelings and affection from one are not the same as another.

But the golden standard of relationship excellence lies within me. I can only get out of a relationship what I put in, what I expect and the kind of person I look to find.


I cannot expect from someone new what I have received from someone before them. For each person is an experience unto itself.



How does a person add wine to a cup that is already full?
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
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#8
These are the only bars I'm looking for...

 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
102
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#9
Ahhhhh...I love this thread and hate it at the same time. It's not you, Kim, it's me :p

What happens when someone makes us feel something we've never felt before in our lives, and we're afraid we'll never feel it again? How do we allow ourselves to have deep feelings for another person? How do we treat that person fairly without hurtful comparisons?
So I've found that I'm a very loyal person. When my heart is set on someone, it is really set. With the first girl I ever asked out, I was convinced that I would never like anyone more than her. I was wrong.
The second and only girl I have asked out on a date was really the person who set the bar. Her name is Lauren. Ever since meeting and getting to know her, I've known that the person I'm waiting for is either her or someone who will stir the same kind of affections in me that she did. I'm really not sure if it's possible for me to have higher level of affection for someone than I had for her, but with that if/when I do meet a person that I feel that way toward, it's not like my past feelings for this girl are going to impact my feelings for the present person. There won't be a comparison taking place. It's just that now I know what it feels like to be like, "Wow, I would really be okay spending the rest of my life with this person," and so I will know that feeling if/when it comes around again.

This is exactly why I said I hate this topic though haha. I have met and interacted with some really amazing individuals, and yet I just did not have those same feelings even though I really wanted to. But you really can't control how you feel on that level. I have, however, experienced that same level of affection for another person that I had for Lauren, so I know it's possible.

Can we expect someone else to look at us with fresh eyes if we're caught up in a feeling from the past?
If they're still caught up in a feeling from the past, I don't think you can expect them to look at you with fresh eyes. That's something they're going to have to get over.

If you're the one always being compared to a standard set by someone else, do you leave or do you stay?
Honestly, I would leave. No one wants to feel like they're a constant failure.

And how can we allow God to "clean the slate" of our hearts so that we can start over fresh and anew, without looking for or expecting something we only seemed to find in another person?
God can do some pretty surprising and amazing work in our hearts. I wouldn't put that past Him at all if we're in prayer for that and are open to Him enacting that change in us.
 
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Markum1972

Senior Member
Mar 25, 2013
1,165
32
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#10
I met a girl when I was 18. We got separated by circumstance. I never forgot her... and her likewise.

We found one another 20 years later. Second to God, she is the love of my life. After some time trying to find someone else when we were just not able to be together, I came to a place of honesty with myself. Now, I don't look anymore. Instead, I am content remaining single and focusing on serving the Lord. Certainly the result cannot be such a bad thing. :)

Good post. :)
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#11
I had a boyfriend that I truly thought that I was going to marry. We talked about it a lot. When we broke up In was crushed. Then someone told me that he cheated on me, more than once. I felt like an idiot but a grateful idiot, grateful because I didn't marry him.
 

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
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#12
This is a good thread, seoulsearch. Thank you for bringing up this topic. :)

Was there ever a time when someone in your life was as close to being "the one" as possible, and now you're looking for someone else who can be that close or even closer to being your ideal companion?
Yes. She was my second ex. We were together for 18-odd months. Though she was not a Christian, this relationship impacted me a lot. It was she who triggered some of the questions which I had about my church. It was she who helped me accept the reality that I need to work on my bitter past. Truth be told, she was the first one who accepted me in every way. I had never opened up to anybody before, the way I did with her. I felt 'at home' with her, if you guys know what I mean.

Honestly, had she been a Christian I would have popped the question already. But she wasn't and I was not going to sacrifice my faith for a lifetime with her, no matter how badly I desired it. We still keep in touch and are still good friends. But we now know that there are boundaries to the relationship and we make it a point to keep to them. :)

What happens when someone makes us feel something we've never felt before in our lives, and we're afraid we'll never feel it again? How do we allow ourselves to have deep feelings for another person? How do we treat that person fairly without hurtful comparisons?
I think falling in love is about yourself to someone. This applies not only in the happy and romantic moments, but also during moments of hurt and uncertainty.

Can we expect someone else to look at us with fresh eyes if we're caught up in a feeling from the past?
No, I don't think so. Nobody would want to get into a relationship with someone who is still caught up in the past.

If you're the one always being compared to a standard set by someone else, do you leave or do you stay?
I would leave. There is no point staying with someone who does not accept your value. I would understand if the person compares me with her ex BEFORE we get into a relationship. But once we commit into a relationship, the comparison has to stop.

And how can we allow God to "clean the slate" of our hearts so that we can start over fresh and anew, without looking for or expecting something we only seemed to find in another person?
How can we allow? Gee, that's simple. We need to ask God for a "clean heart". Every time we are reminded of the past we must quickly distract ourselves from pursuing that line of thought. Our efforts must be supported by the grace of God and our willpower in order to help us start anew.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
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#13
Hi Roh :),

I totally understand what you're saying about asking God to give us clean hearts.

I often wonder though, why it's so incredibly hard to accomplish, whether for the good or bad. Some of us have a hard time loving or accepting love because of something we've been through or because of someone else, good and/or bad.

I know that for myself, this is an area in which I especially struggle. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I "belong" again. But in many ways, I'm afraid to be with him for "too long", if I ever did meet him--meaning... I'm afraid of being there long enough for him to not want me anymore.

Yup, it's an irrational fear. But like I said. Praying and trying to allow God to do the work in us is much more difficult when actually put into motion. And I'm not even sure when I'd realize I was over that fear, because it's not like I'm going to "try" being with someone "just to see" if I'm not afraid anymore!!!

I do trust that God will work things out but... I would imagine I'm not the only one finding it to be such a hard struggle?
 

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
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#14
I know that for myself, this is an area in which I especially struggle. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I "belong" again. But in many ways, I'm afraid to be with him for "too long", if I ever did meet him--meaning... I'm afraid of being there long enough for him to not want me anymore.
I know what you mean, Kim.

I think it comes from the part of wanting to be the "tragic hero" in all circumstances. Whenever something is happening smoothly, I always have the feeling that disaster is just around the corner. It could be in my travel, my work, my studies, my health, my relationships, anything - I always feel that I will be the guy who gets the rough deal in the end.

This fear not only inhibits me from fully enjoying anything, but it also makes me want to quit something when the going is good. It is almost as if I do not want to be around when the disaster hits me. I would rather jump ship than be the "tragic hero" again.

You may want to analyze whether your fear comes from such a feeling. :)
 

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#15
Hey Everyone,

I have been thinking about this ever since I read a few posts here discussing what happens if one person in your life seems to set "the standard" for what you're looking for in a significant other.

Was there ever a time when someone in your life was as close to being "the one" as possible, and now you're looking for someone else who can be that close or even closer to being your ideal companion?

It doesn't necessarily have to be a potential or former love interest--maybe you have a parent, brother, cousin, sibling's spouse, etc. whom you see as being the "ideal" person and you're having a hard time because no one seems to even "come close" to being as ideal as that person.

I have two examples (all names have been changed for privacy):

1. I once knew a girl who was dating a guy who said he loved her, but would always talk about his ex-girlfriend from about 7 years before. "Yeah," he'd tell her, "Nikki was a model." He would then proceed to repeat this mantra over and over again, "MY EX WAS A MODEL," and in fact, he had been young at the time and had even had her likeness tattooed on one of his arms. Now, the current girl he was dating was beautiful (I'm not sure why, but he always seemed to overlook the fact that SHE had modeled as well for some local ads), intelligent (she was studying to be an attorney), and incredibly loyal (he was incarcerated for part of their relationship.)

I don't know what happened between them but I know she was getting awfully tired of him talking about "THE MODEL" all the time, not to mention showing off his ex's picture that he literally carried with him everywhere... on his arm. How would you feel and what would you do if someone you were dating kept going back to a standard set by another person?

2. In my own life, I would have to say that the things I miss most my time with my ex-husband are that he accepted and encouraged all of who I am, and he made me feel protected at a time when so many things seemed unsure. I normally meet people who taking a liking to one half of my personality but generally don't know what to do with the other--the people who like my serious side aren't sure what's going on when I crack a lot of (albeit, bad) jokes, and the people who like my humorous side back away when I want to talk about death, depression, and various forms of abuse.

My ex, however, took it all in stride. I remember the time I was stressing out over a major assignment for a class and he made me take a break and dance with him across the kitchen floor (dancing was something he NEVER did), and I remember when we were lying under Christmas lights one night and he was telling me, "I've always wondered... If I blew my head off at a wishing well in the middle of the mall, would people still go there to make wishes?" Of course they would.

But I loved that we could have such discussions with nothing held back, and the nature of our "special talks" could change without so much as the blink of an eye. We just kind of "got that" about each other. My whole life I had struggled to fit in and he told me, "Baby, you and I... we don't wait for someone to tell us where we fit in. We make our own place."

THAT'S what I miss. I miss... having a place to belong, because that's what I felt with him. Over time, I think it's not so much HIM that I miss but rather, the WAY I FELT when I was with him. But I also realize that this was 20 years ago and what made me feel as if I belonged somewhere then might be completely different now. And feeling protected now may have a totally different definition or may not even be necessary, seeing as I've survived on my own for so long.

What happens when someone makes us feel something we've never felt before in our lives, and we're afraid we'll never feel it again? How do we allow ourselves to have deep feelings for another person? How do we treat that person fairly without hurtful comparisons?

Can we expect someone else to look at us with fresh eyes if we're caught up in a feeling from the past?

If you're the one always being compared to a standard set by someone else, do you leave or do you stay?

And how can we allow God to "clean the slate" of our hearts so that we can start over fresh and anew, without looking for or expecting something we only seemed to find in another person?
This one will take a little while to answer, so I'll pass for now. Good questions and examples. I see that, and yes, have it in my own life...as well as experiencing it in the lives of others some days (past and present).

I wonder...and after pondering (and sleeping) will answer this more sufficiently. Thanks for posting, Kim, as always.
 
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sassylady

Guest
#16
I unfortunately hear a lot of men talk about how hot another woman is, how attractive, etc. when they are with their wife/girlfriend. It is a terrible feeling to be hearing that and thinking I can no way compare to her. Also extremely disrespectful. My ex did that the last couple years we were together, and men I've dated have done the same thing.

Makes me wonder if there are any men who are attracted to something other than looks. I know there have to be plenty of them but it makes me extremely wary of ever dating again.
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#17
I unfortunately hear a lot of men talk about how hot another woman is, how attractive, etc. when they are with their wife/girlfriend. It is a terrible feeling to be hearing that and thinking I can no way compare to her. Also extremely disrespectful. My ex did that the last couple years we were together, and men I've dated have done the same thing.

Makes me wonder if there are any men who are attracted to something other than looks. I know there have to be plenty of them but it makes me extremely wary of ever dating again.
Sadly, that's a very common denominator in men; there will always be a "hotter" girl. Very disappointed to hear you had to be put through that also, though.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#18
Looks are to men (and the stereotype that goes with it) what money is to women (again, along with the stereotype.)

Not all men are all about looks; not all women are all about money.

Unfortunately, it apparently happens often enough though for everyone to believe the stereotypes apply to everyone.

(They don't. Thankfully. Now we just have to find a bunch of us who DON'T fit these negative molds and have a big singles mixer or something...)
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#19
Looks are to men (and the stereotype that goes with it) what money is to women (again, along with the stereotype.)

Not all men are all about looks; not all women are all about money.

Unfortunately, it apparently happens often enough though for everyone to believe the stereotypes apply to everyone.

(They don't. Thankfully. Now we just have to find a bunch of us who DON'T fit these negative molds and have a big singles mixer or something...)
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#20
I'm so out of luck if I married for money. I just want another bathroom for myself, is that to much to ask???