The Anti-Ex - companion to Setting the Bar thread...

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CatHerder

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2013
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#1
This is a companion thread to seoulsearch's http://christianchat.com/christian-...f-one-person-sets-bar-what-youre-looking.html thread. If you don't want to go there, the gist is in the questions at the end of her post:

What happens when someone makes us feel something we've never felt before in our lives, and we're afraid we'll never feel it again? How do we allow ourselves to have deep feelings for another person? How do we treat that person fairly without hurtful comparisons?

Can we expect someone else to look at us with fresh eyes if we're caught up in a feeling from the past?

If you're the one always being compared to a standard set by someone else, do you leave or do you stay?

And how can we allow God to "clean the slate" of our hearts so that we can start over fresh and anew, without looking for or expecting something we only seemed to find in another person?
In reading her thread, I realized that the converse could also be true. What if someone set the bar so low, that you look for the opposite of that person?

What if you were treated poorly in a certain area during the relationship. Do you look for someone who will treat you well in that same area? Is this fair? Are you basing this new relationship solely on the negative one? Are you looking for the "Anti-Ex?"

What if you are the "Anti-Ex" - the one who acted in a positive way that was contrary to the ex's behavior? Would you feel uncomfortable or awkward if your significant other mentioned that "So and So never encouraged me/supported me the way that you are doing now" or would this comparison make you feel closer to your partner?

I have to admit to sometimes enjoying occasional "opposite" qualities in women friends than those of my ex. One example may be in something as silly and unimportant as decor. I once stopped my then-wife from getting rid of a bookcase that my dad's great-uncle made back in the 50's. The thing is so well built that it could have been made last week, except that nowadays, they are all cheap pressboard with a nice finish, which is the kind of bookcase that she wanted instead. The bookcase I saved and other ideas I had about how the place was to look were called "stupid" by her.

Flash forward to me as a single. One night in CC chat (about a year ago), one of the ladies mentioned that what she could see of my place looked nice, speaking favorable of my "California casual" as she called it. Last week, a ladyfriend commented on how fun and cozy my place looked (I have to be on guard with her, but that's not the point). Both the comment last year, and the one last week had me on Cloud 9 for a while. I was totally aware that one of the reasons I felt so good about the comments was that I was receiving a positive stroke by an attractive female in an area that my ex had been nothing but critical.

So...

Is it fair to compare positive experiences in your current relationship to their converse experience in an old relationship?

If you are in a relationship with someone who did that, would you be comfortable with it?

Are these silly questions? I mean, we are the sum of all our experiences, good and bad, including our exes, right?


 
M

MadParrotWoman

Guest
#2
I think everyone does this. My husband is the exact opposite from my first - in every way. Personality and looks and yes that is why I fell in love with him. I couldn't have fallen for someone similar.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
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#3
Were we the sum of our experiences, we would be robots. But case histories do influence our choices and some deliberately choose the antithesis of a past negative experience. This method of decision making is founded in self preservation instinct - if the electric fence hurt when you touched it, don't touch it and you will avoid getting hurt. But in some instances, such as in choosing whom to date, it is perhaps not the most effective way of choosing.
 
Sep 6, 2013
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#4
I tend to do this with some qualities. Not necessarily looking for the opposite, but realizing how important that quality is and how... lacking... the lack of it was in the past relationship.

Talking intimately was one thing. My ex never really talked about anything vulnerable or deep with me, and in the end I realized that I didn't know him as well as I thought I did because a lot of his feelings were kept hidden. And on the flip side, I may not have made him feel safe or comfortable talking about those things. My natural tendency to show interest by asking questions or trying to help "fix" things made him feel threatened. So this is something I need to work on for myself. Anyway, finding someone who is able to share their deeper feelings is now important to me because of my past relationship.

And Steve, your apartment looks like a gorgeous showplace. Your ex-wife didn't know what she was talking about! :rolleyes:
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
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#5
Ironically, the person I had the deepest relationship with also made me the most insecure. As the marriage deteriorated, my then-husband moved to the other side of the house (by his own choice, much to my dismay) and said as little as possible to me. I remember we had to go somewhere together once and I tried to reach out for his hand, which he sharply pulled away and said, "My God, just leave me me alone!" This went on for a long time, well over six months... probably the last year of our marriage. The most he would ever say to me were things such as, "I'm interviewing for a job (an hour and a half away)," which was his way of saying, "I'm looking for a way to leave you as soon as possible."

My next two relationships were even worse, which is probably why I've now been single for so long. I am trying not to see it as comparisons as much as learning from the past. I have gotten to a point where, if a man gives me a compliment or some sort of positive feedback, it startles me--because I'm not used to it. It feels great and hurts like heck at the same time. The reason it hurts is because I question it ("Why would he say that... about me?") and the reason it hurts is because I long for positive feedback and affection. The good news is that it doesn't take much to impress me--old-fashioned manners, a sense of humor, a kind word, a hug, a good chemistry between all the nuances of our personalities, deep conversations about faith and God... and I'll be totally dazzled.

I agree with Grace though--there is plenty I need to work on in myself as well. Once verbal punches are exchanged it truly brings out the worst in me, and while I have not experienced that in a long time, I know I can be hell on wheels. People always think I'm a goody two-shoes who can be rolled over with a hard-boiled egg, but my motto has always been, "I may not win the fight. In fact, I probably won't. But you can be sure I'll give you a run for your money." It just takes a lot more now to push me to that point.

Ahem. Yup... obviously... there are some things I need to work on. :)

But I know from the past that I am looking for someone honest and open, who doesn't close himself off and harbor secrets when we start to disagree or when things get tough... Hopefully someone who will talk to me and want to work things out together instead of shutting down.

Like Catherder, the past still stings because there are times when I can still hear the rejection (or silence, which was even worse), but I'm trusting God will keep me (and all the other wonderful CC'ers here) moving forward.

I discovered this passage when I was going through some of the darkest times of my life, and I cling to it often:

Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I (the Lord your God) know the plans I have for you, plans not to harm you but to give you a hope and a future."
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
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#6
My natural tendency to show interest by asking questions or trying to help "fix" things made him feel threatened. So this is something I need to work on for myself.
Grace, for what it's worth, this is something I really, really like about you. You always show a deep interest in others by asking questions--you don't just say, "Uh huh" six times and then move on. And when you make suggestions on how to "fix" things, you're offering proactive solutions that the other person may not have had time to think about. It's a win-win in my book.

As you said to Catherder... YOUR ex didn't know what he was missing out on, if he would have listened with an open heart. :)
 
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
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#7
Grace, for what it's worth, this is something I really, really like about you. You always show a deep interest in others by asking questions--you don't just say, "Uh huh" six times and then move on. And when you make suggestions on how to "fix" things, you're offering proactive solutions that the other person may not have had time to think about. It's a win-win in my book.

As you said to Catherder... YOUR ex didn't know what he was missing out on, if he would have listened with an open heart. :)
Thank you Seoul... this was encouraging for me. :)

(You have that same interest in others, by the way. I find it very refreshing!)
 

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
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#8
Well, this is how we discover the sort of cultures that we don't want and can't be apart of. A friend of mine from here on CC coined the term Guinea Pigging, for discovering someone through dating them.



I tend to pick on the horse cultures (redneck, hillbilly, buckle bunny, country, etc) because I know where that goes, I've dated them before. I know that I don't want to spend my afternoons at the lake with the truck listening to music that talks about how cool the lake and the truck are. I don't want to go out into the BLM and shoot everything that moves. I can't line dance and I refuse to get a DUI from the Karaoke bar or take up Dipping Tobacco.


But I'm not terribly enthusiastic about American Protestant culture either. The Khaki dad with the sweater vest and the mom who runs the Universe, always scheduled 4 years into the future. Kids are buried in electronics. Digesting author after author, book after book, about how to live their life, how to behave, what the rules are and whatever new sort of pop-Christianity fad is floating around. Their life centers around always being busy, kids sports, crossfit, essential oils, and tearing down or gearing up for the next holiday. Stop the Minivan, I want out, before I ever get in.


So then what becomes the opposite?


There is the super alternative chic, you would think that pink hair, tattoos, piercings galore means that she's up for whatever, but generally the opposite is the case. The show is only as deep as the hair color. Don't get too close cause there are cans and cans of worms that may just burst, leaving you wanting to kill uncles, strangle fathers and in general feel sorry for them. The flags are there, beware. The pills, the cigarettes, the weird boundaries, the cutting, its not just for show.


There is the Prada, Gucci, Givenchy, Pink Princess. She fights for animal causes, only eats ethical meats, goes on a monthly pilgrimage to Tiffany and Co and never misses a single episode of her favorite TV shows. She has the coolest friends, the best clothes, the the most Politically Correct views, and stays current on issues that matter to her. Which coincidentally are diametrically opposed to everything I believe in. I didn't know how much I disliked "white feminism" until I dated into her culture.


So is there an opposite for all of this?


Perhaps. I tend to love Scientists, Adventurers, and Explorers.


Did I have to date the Traditional, the Crunchy, and the Crazy to figure out what I don't like? probably not but now I really know what is okay for me. :)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
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#9
Did I have to date the Traditional, the Crunchy, and the Crazy to figure out what I don't like? probably not but now I really know what is okay for me. :)
If nothing else, it was worth it all... to be able to write that post!!

I totally enjoyed your descriptions. I don't fit into any of those categories and I don't think anyone in my relationships did either, but I really enjoyed your succinct, not to mention, entertaining, summaries! :D
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
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#10
Seoulsearch, I'm sorry for how your Husband treated you, that's really wrong. :(
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
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#11
Seoulsearch, I'm sorry for how your Husband treated you, that's really wrong. :(
Thank you for the compassion, Fenner.

What really troubles me is when Christians sometimes seem to think that you can stay married to someone even when they leave you (and file for the divorce) because they don't understand that sometimes, the choice of staying married is taken ou of your hands. I came home from work one day and he had taken his things and left without word or warning. I just came home to a half-empty house, and papers in the mail that said, "You Are Being Sued For Divorce" a few weeks later.

If someone doesn't love you anymore and is determined to leave you (and refuses to go to counseling), there is nothing you can do. Especially when they are determined to be with someone else, and marry that person instead.

So if the topic here is setting a low bar... Um, I guess I guess I'd appreciate a warning first before the person actually flies the coop!
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#12
Thank you for the compassion, Fenner.

What really troubles me is when Christians sometimes seem to think that you can stay married to someone even when they leave you (and file for the divorce) because they don't understand that sometimes, the choice of staying married is taken ou of your hands. I came home from work one day and he had taken his things and left without word or warning. I just came home to a half-empty house, and papers in the mail that said, "You Are Being Sued For Divorce" a few weeks later.

If someone doesn't love you anymore and is determined to leave you (and refuses to go to counseling), there is nothing you can do. Especially when they are determined to be with someone else, and marry that person instead.

So if the topic here is setting a low bar... Um, I guess I guess I'd appreciate a warning first before the person actually flies the coop!

No some people don't understand divorce isn't always a choice for someone. Also people change, someone could be totally different 10 years down the road. I know as we age our thoughts and feelings can change. But sometimes people do change for the worse. I mean if my Husband joined some sort of wicked cult and wouldn't leave. I'm sorry I couldn't deal with that very well. Or if he decided to start meeting random women for stuff, I don't think I could deal well with that either. Unless of course he was hiring a maid to do the housekeeping, that I'm ok with.
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
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#13
Once again, I re-iterate my point that the old saying, "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is baloney! :p