Where's the harm in shacking up?

[ChandlerFan]

I'm really tempted to play devil's advocate, but I really can't in all honesty.

I am one who sees multiple reasons why cohabitation just isn't a wise way to go whether someone is a Christian or not. If they are Christian, the number of reasons why cohabitation is not a good life choice only goes up. With that being said, though, I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that cohabitation would have a negative effect on emotions. I know this more than likely doesn't happen in most cases, but what happens if a couple lives together and maybe even sleeps in the same bed, but never has sex? If they did ultimately break up, there would probably be some emotional baggage to wade through like there is with any break-up, but I'm not sure that either person would be left emotionally damaged from that.

I really don't think it makes a difference, though, whether or not the couple gets married in the end because they can't say for sure that that is going to happen when they make the choice to live together in the beginning. Whether or not they get married in the end, that initial choice still wasn't the right one, but I wouldn't appeal to the emotional impact first in suggesting why it's not a good idea.

 

[rachelsedge]

I know this more than likely doesn't happen in most cases, but what happens if a couple lives together and maybe even sleeps in the same bed, but never has sex?

I know someone who lived with her boyfriend, I believe they shared they same bed, but they didn't have sex. The thing is, people assume if you are living with your significant other then you are having sex. And the Bible says to not even give the appearance of sin (I can't think of the verse but I know it's in there).

Granted, this person wasn't a Christian, and they broke up/moved out shortly after moving in together, so that's probably not the best example...but the point still stands.

 

[ChandlerFan]

I know someone who lived with her boyfriend, I believe they shared they same bed, but they didn't have sex. The thing is, people assume if you are living with your significant other then you are having sex. And the Bible says to not even give the appearance of sin (I can't think of the verse but I know it's in there).

Granted, this person wasn't a Christian, and they broke up/moved out shortly after moving in together, so that's probably not the best example...but the point still stands.

Yes, exactly! And that's the first thing that I would appeal to for someone who is a Christian looking for wisdom on whether or not they should live with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

I think for people who aren't Christians, though, you more have to approach it more from the relational psychology side of things. Like it really does do something to your relationship psychologically when you have made a public commitment before your closest family and friends that you are going to love, cherish, honor, and serve this person for the rest of your life. When that covenant doesn't exist, it leaves so much room for distrust and other potentially poisonous things.
There's also the financial aspect of things too (lower tax rates, y'all! ) that can be really complicated in a scenario like that.

 

[MissCris]

My own thoughts on this are in line with much of what's already been posted, though I just want to add a little to it-

There's a whole new level of intimacy thrown into the mix when a couple starts living together, and I don't mean just sex. But there's also the...I guess lack of true committment, in living together without being married. I'm not saying that two people can't be really committed to being together just because they aren't married and have no plans to become so, but it seems like in a lot of cases of "shacking up", at least one person involved wants to keep the option to leave without a messy divorce open. Again, that's not true for everyone in that situation, but often.

Those two things, the intimacy, and the lack of true commitment, they don't mix very well. It just seems like at least one person in the relationship would be constantly having their emotions pulled in opposite directions; desiring that closeness with a person that won't fully commit to them.
I just don't see how it can be a healthy relationship...it seems like it would create a lot of trust issues or bitterness or insecurity.

I don't know if I explained that right, it's way past my bedtime.

ChandlerFan- what you said about not appealing to the emotional impact first in suggesting why living together isn't a good idea...I totally agree there. I didn't mean for it to sound like the emotional repercussions were the main reason people shouldn't live together before marriage. I just got curious what people had to say on this particular aspect of a larger issue

 

[Fenner]

A few months before I was married I lived with my now Husband. I was admit at first that I wouldn't, then I did. I think it was a matter of saving money. I'm not in a position to say it's right or wrong. I have to say for me it was pretty exciting. We were in the middle of planning a wedding and I was a little worried that we wouldn't have anything to talk about once it was over, but we did. I mean we didn't just sit around and talk about wedding gowns and wedding cake, but you know we had to talk about it because we were planning and paying for it.

We went to NYC for part of our honeymoon, we drove there. I remember the morning we went it was pouring rain, we argued about something and I went to my Mom's apartment because she only lived a block away. My Mother said, Stop it, you're married now, go back to your husband and deal with it. She was right. The hardest part for me was having to give up my cat that I had for years. My Mom had her and I hated leaving her. Although I saw her everyday. My Husband had 2 cats already and they had no were else to go, and she was 19 years old and the last time she moved she got some horrible skin rash from the stress. I couldn't do that to her again. So I left cat and Mom, shacked up.

Almost 16 years later I can't say that I regret it. Now with two kids if I were ever widowed or something I wouldn't just live with someone and make my kids deal with it. My thoughts have changed and my life situation has changed.

When I look back I wouldn't have moved in with him if we weren't engaged and had a wedding date set. I know that it still might not seem right, but what's done is done. I have had friends that have lived with people with a promise of marriage and it's never happened.

It's hard for me to say much since I've shacked up.

 

[zeroturbulence]

It looked like "Where's the ham in shacking up?"

...its right here!

 

[tourist]

Babies.
That's why.

Depends on the age - not as much an issue for older couples beyond child-bearing years.

 

[Lynx]

Tell Abraham and Sarah that. Sarah, at least, would laugh at you. ^.^

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

I'm pretty sure I've heard people way there are studies suggesting that if you live with someone before you marry them you're more likely to get a divorce. I'll have to look into that claim.

I've heard of that study, also. I've also heard that divorce rates are higher among Christians than they are with those of reportedly no religious affiliation. A user here posted the information in one of the threads in the Bible Discussion forum, but there's so much to weed through that I'm having a difficult time finding it (actually, I just don't have enough time to dissect the thread for it).

 

[thecreationtutor]

I have a friend who did this, and when I met him, he saw no harm. Which of course he was sleeping with her - why by the cow is the milk if it's free?

If you listen to him, it was completely on how he felt, and how it affected him, and really cared nothing for how it affected her.

Marriage Covenant makes the love, because usually most of us love others when they are serving the one that they love most, which is themselves.

Marriage Covenant is to seek the best for the other person, let me serve you, how can I make your life better in Christ

 

[Oncefallen]

I've heard of that study, also. I've also heard that divorce rates are higher among Christians than they are with those of reportedly no religious affiliation. A user here posted the information in one of the threads in the Bible Discussion forum, but there's so much to weed through that I'm having a difficult time finding it (actually, I just don't have enough time to dissect the thread for it).

Most stats that I've seen show divorce rates among Christians to mirror that of non-Christians. The interesting thing is that I saw a study not too long back that gave a bit of clarity to those numbers. When broken down to Christians who are regularly active in a local fellowship the numbers are considerably lower.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Most stats that I've seen show divorce rates among Christians to mirror that of non-Christians. The interesting thing is that I saw a study not too long back that gave a bit of clarity to those numbers. When broken down to Christians who are regularly active in a local fellowship the numbers are considerably lower.

Yes, a lot of people identify themselves as "christian" by culture or social standards rather than true faith.

We also need to account for the fact that people who move in together and things fall apart, are not counted in the divorce rates, even though relationship-wise it WAS a divorce. That skews accuracy.

 

[zeroturbulence]

And you have to account for those who did not find the ham while shacking up

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Yes, a lot of people identify themselves as "christian" by culture or social standards rather than true faith.

This is true. An acquaintance of mine told me that she was a Christian. When I asked her what she believed, she asked what I meant.

Me: "Well, I mean, do you believe in the death and the resurrection, the redemption of the cross, Christ as savior, etc.? Or something other?"

Her reply: "Isn't all that like, Catholic stuff?"

 

[ServantStrike]

This is true. An acquaintance of mine told me that she was a Christian. When I asked her what she believed, she asked what I meant.

Me: "Well, I mean, do you believe in the death and the resurrection, the redemption of the cross, Christ as savior, etc.? Or something other?"

Her reply: "Isn't all that like, Catholic stuff?"

So, other then.


A lot of other floating around isn't there.

 

[Pipp]

Living together then breaking up and moving on is basically a divorce without paperwork (no I know not technically, but you get my point)

 

[jeremyPJ]

My feeling is that there are Christians, and then there are Christians.

I'm not calling out anyone, just saying...

One can go to church and play the role, and one can live the role.

I have learned this lesson from going just a year and a half. It saddens me, but we all live our own lives.

I left my church because of some of this, not going into details. But my faith still stands. I will find one that is a better fit.

 

[Kaycie]

A man who uses you and is able to throw you away whenever he wishes, will never value and respect you the same as if you were his wife.

 

[Tintin]

What confuses me is when people shack up and then they have kids. Life is going well, everyone's happy. Then, they decide to get married and BOOM! it doesn't last long. What is it about marriage that would shorten their relationship, as opposed to just continuing to shack up? Hmm... I've witnessed this a number of times. It also seems to happen with those who shack up and don't have kids, then get married and BOOM!

 

[cinder]

What confuses me is when people shack up and then they have kids. Life is going well, everyone's happy. Then, they decide to get married and BOOM! it doesn't last long. What is it about marriage that would shorten their relationship, as opposed to just continuing to shack up? Hmm... I've witnessed this a number of times. It also seems to happen with those who shack up and don't have kids, then get married and BOOM!

I've heard that women move in with men to pressure them into marriage. So there are probably a fair number of couples shacked up where the woman thinks it will all be wonderful once they get married, but one they get married they still have the same problems and now she wants something other than getting married to solve the problems. I doubt there are reliable statistics on this, but I might posit that some people who've been together for a while might get married in a last ditch attempt to salvage the relationship thinking that maybe the being unmarried is why things have gone bad.

Another possibility would be the psychological effect of having the commitment. As an example I enjoy spending a lot of time in my room, but if someone were forcing me to stay in my room, then the only thing I could think about would be getting out. So for some couples it might be they are happy enough together, but making the vows makes them feel trapped and imprisoned in the relationship.

There are probably more possibilities but those were the first two that came to mind. Some of it might be that in our culture, the romantic storyline usually ends with a wedding, but in real life you actually have a whole lot more life to live after the wedding and no one defines what happily ever after is supposed to look like ( and they never mentioned it included things like taxes, bills, laundry, morning breath, and bad moods).