Where's the harm in shacking up?

MissCris · Jan 31, 2015

First, let me state that no, I don't think it's right or okay to live with a boyfriend/girlfriend before getting married (because I'm sure someone would have crawled out of the woodwork to jump on me about that). Now that's out of the way...

I had a discussion with my aunt about "shacking up", and what she sees as the advantages of a situation like that (which is not what this thread is about), but also what we both feel the emotional effects of it are.

She doesn't think there are any emotional repercussions of such a situation. I strongly feel there are, but I'm going to keep them to myself until some other thoughts are shared here.

So the questions-

Do you feel that shacking up has a negative effect on one's emotional wellbeing?
Does it make a difference if the couple ends up getting married, rather than breaking up and going on to live with another girlfriend/boyfriend in the future?

Feel free to share any other thoughts/opinions/experiences regarding this, if you have them.
Or feel free not to. But threads work so much better if you share

Note: This is something I have past experience in, so I'm not posting this to single anyone out for anything, I'm just curious what people's opinions are.

jsr1221 · Jan 31, 2015

I didn't know people still said the phrase shacking up.

JesusLives · Jan 31, 2015

Well in Florida shacking up is encouraged. Why in the world would the Blond say that? Because so many seniors are on social security and the benefits go down when they get married. So since they are getting paid pennies anyway there are a lot of them that don't get married even if they are dying to do so because the government doesn't encourage it. Most seniors are living at poverty level or below.

Is it right? Probably not. But it happens all the time in Florida at least.

seoulsearch · Jan 31, 2015

I know this is a subject that's hotly debated in both secular and Christian circles (I've known lots of people who claim Christianity but are living with someone) and I'm sure our CC crowd will have plenty to say about it.

For me, the number one reason is because God tells us not to. As human beings, we look for every possible way to try to tiptoe around it.

Something that came to my mind once during a time of study and prayer was, "Is it wrong to eat a piece of fruit?" And the immediate answer in my mind was, "It is if God tells you not to." (Hence, the command not to eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil...)

I can debate and twist things around just as well as the next person who sins. But the bottom line is, God tells me not to. Therefore, I commit myself to try my best to keep His commands... in all areas of life (some people seem to think sexuality doesn't apply.) Are there failures? Absolutely. But I know one of the keys to staying in line with God is to not let all the "But what if's" and "It doesn't seem like there's any harm in..." to take root in the first place.

JL makes a great point. Are we going to follow God's commands... Even when there is a significant cost?

lil_christian · Jan 31, 2015

I'm pretty sure I've heard people way there are studies suggesting that if you live with someone before you marry them you're more likely to get a divorce. I'll have to look into that claim.

psychomom · Jan 31, 2015

MissCris said:

how can it not effect a person?
serial monogamy is like training for divorce. things get tough, and we bail.
it seems like the easy out of 'shacking up' would weigh on a person's heart.
depending on your personality, it could create insecurity and jealousy, right?

then there's the possibility of children in the equation, and when parents aren't
married, everyone suffers...kids with different dads, economic woes, custody problems, etc.

there doesn't seem to be much commitment involved in cohabitation...i know, YMMV.
but commitment is what holds married people together in the hard times (we hope

).

as far as eventually getting married goes, you don't really know if you will,
when you're in that situation. but as i said, if you've already lived with different people,
and left it when you thought it wasn't giving you what you wanted or needed,
it's very much like divorce practice.

ps--also guilty, and thank God, forgiven. my husband and i lived together for 2 months
before we were married...it was awful!

wisebeardman · Jan 31, 2015

JesusLives said:

I can actually see that. Disability is another one I have heard about. its a fix check and if you get married you lose money if not all of it.

zeroturbulence · Jan 31, 2015

I don't want to say that I am pro-shacking up because y'all would prolly hate me

But I will say that there are definitely some things you can only truly find out about a person after you've lived with them for awhile. Things that you might wish you knew before you got married.

Grace-Like-Rain · Jan 31, 2015

Moving in together before (or instead of) marriage is tempting, yeah. It's HARD to try to imagine what living with someone is going to be like after marriage. It's a huge leap of faith to decide to take our chances and get married and only after that, see if we're compatible as housemates. In fact, it is SO hard that it's no wonder nearly everybody in here is single.

But I do believe that when a couple decides to wait, to form a covenant with one another (and God) prior to living together... to make that jump in faith, trust God and promise one another that this is for the long haul no matter what happens... they go into their marriage stronger than otherwise. And I believe that God blesses them for their faith in him and in each other.

Only 40% of co-habitating couples ever tie the knot. What do the other 60% do? When they part, do they leave a large emotional piece of themselves with their former partner? God's laws are for the protection of our heart, our spirit, and our physical bodies too. That's my take on it.

jeremyPJ · Jan 31, 2015

My experience among other men brings the opinion that once the rings get exchanged, everything in the relationship changes. I have witnessed this in secular marriages.

I have traditional Christian beliefs, and hoping someday I will find a lady who values traditional Christian values as well. I truly believe this is the key to true marital bliss. It takes Faith...

cinder · Jan 31, 2015

I think the biggest problem with shacking up is the lack of commitment. Mostly it springs out the the consumer try before you buy mentality. And the problems with that are that it puts the focus on me and if this arrangement will meet my needs, and that actually continues into the marriage. Which as other people pointed out means that instead of asking how you can make the marriage work when it gets tough, you are apt to bail and try to find another situation that is advantageous for you.

I don't know that shacking up is so much the problem as it's the mentality behind shacking up (and consequently marriage becomes an I think this will work out not an I'm committed to putting my own wants aside to make this work). We could have a whole nother thread about marriage and financial issues and being able to afford to marry and stuff like that, but I'll let that be a different topic and just say that the real issue here is permanent commitment.

blueorchidjd · Jan 31, 2015

Babies.
That's why.

psychomom · Jan 31, 2015

Grace-Like-Rain said:

another thing that's amazing about God's grace...

we get to 'practice' showing the fruit of the Spirit to each other, as spouses.
God may bring trials to a marriage, and we learn and grow in grace and the knowledge
of the Lord Jesus in them. we get to give to one another the grace we receive from God.

in that way, God makes us compatible housemates.

CRC · Jan 31, 2015

All too many people today put a low value on their own chastity. Some regard it as an old-fashioned notion, one that does not fit in with a modern life-style. Thus, they give it up for a small return. Some trade in their chastity for a few moments of sexual gratification. Others sacrifice it in hopes of acquiring greater standing in the eyes of their peers or a member of the opposite sex.—Proverbs 13:20.
Many discover too late just how valuable a possession their chastity really was. Their loss is often tragic. As the Bible puts it, the aftereffects of immorality can be like poison, “as bitter as wormwood.” (Proverbs 5:3, 4)

blueorchidjd · Jan 31, 2015

Lynx · Jan 31, 2015

I'm reminded of a time when I was a little kid playing out in the yard. There was an electric fence at the back of the back yard and I thought I'd investigate it. My mother said, "Isaac, don't touch that." So of course I kept one eye on her and edged toward it. When I touched it I jumped, spun around and looked at her like, "How did you DO that?!"

The things God designated as "sin" were so labeled for a reason - because they are harmful. And the results of sin are not God punishing us, any more than my mother reached out and made the fence shock me. Hangovers, liver disease, general shattered health are just the natural result of heavy drinking. Me getting a jolt was a natural result of touching the fence. And we are perfectly free to do whatever we want, including all the things God said don't do. But there will be natural, harmful results.

If a guy and a girl want to shack up, that's up to them. But there's a reason God said not to, and they will have to deal with the consequences that come with their decision.

I'm a great believer in learning from the mistakes of others. People are gonna make mistakes anyway, nothing I can do to prevent that, so I might as well observe their mistakes so I can avoid them. Thanks to this "borrowed experience" I know for a fact that all the things the Bible says we shouldn't do are in fact harmful, because people do them every day and I see them being harmed by these things. And from what I have observed, shacking up is an amazingly bad idea. I see examples of the results everywhere, from a lot of people around me who have tried it. Seems God was right to tell us to avoid it.

But some people just have to touch that fence for themselves...

ServantStrike · Jan 31, 2015

psychomom said:

Serial monogamy.

That is the most brilliant thing I've heard in a while. I mean absolutely brilliant. Can I steal that?

As for the overwhelming response of "don't shack up" I'm so glad that's what everyone here is saying. My future wife won't know how bad my snoring is until after she's already married. MUHAHAHAHA.

On the plus side, I am toilet trained - I leave the seat down

rachelsedge · Jan 31, 2015

Wait, why would I want to live with a boy earlier than I have to?

Boys have cooties.

ServantStrike · Jan 31, 2015

rachelsedge said:

To see if he cries when he watches the price is right?

In all honesty, I've never met anyone who does that. If they did, that's probably a serious red flag.

psychomom · Jan 31, 2015

ServantStrike said:

i'm quite sure i heard it somewhere....and stole it.

let's consider it yours.

Where's the harm in shacking up?

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Folksy yet erudite

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